Today I was surprised to find old energetic patterns of victimhood flooding through me. I was watching myself, knowing that it was not my truth any longer yet it felt so real. I had to remind myself to not attach but rather to let it all move on through.
Now I can laugh and feel the pleasure of knowing that it was old patterns having their last hurrah and then disappearing for good. But when the energies are swirling within it feels intense. There is the panic, “Oh no, I thought that I was done with this long ago and here I am again!” I felt sorry for myself, the voice in my head said that I still did not know what I was doing in my life. I had no friends, no one cared about me. I wanted to point the finger at everyone around me, my kids are not caring enough, my friends have forgotten me. Yikes, it was truly awful! I had not felt such emotions in a long time. Thank goodness!
My sister had the same thing happen as she recently quit smoking. All those emotions that had been held at bay by the habit, suddenly came forth. She felt very emotional and teary. She wanted to point the finger at her new love, he was not caring enough, he was being unkind. Surely it was time to end the relationship. She knew that it was not true, just as I did when I was hit with the old stuff, but it sure feels true when you are in it!
These are the times when we need one another to remind us of our truth. We all know this intellectually, that as we release patterns and move into new ways of relating to the world, our old patterns will return on their way out of our lives. This is a critical time as it is easy to be ensnared again. It is a vulnerable time as you can sabotage yourself. You have to be able to step out of yourself and simply become the observer, watching everything move through.
As we open our hearts to more love and it comes streaming in, it stirs up all the shadow energy within. If you are not in the observer mode, you can attach to the shadows and be pulled back in. That is what happened with my beloved. There was so much love and light that poured in last fall when we were together that all the shadows came rushing up to be loved by that light. All parts of ourselves want to be loved and accepted. I saw it happen, told him that he could move into observer mode and it would all pass on by but he could not. He wrapped those feelings of pain and suffering around himself like a hair shirt. He told me that he was not destined for happiness but rather was to suffer alone for that was the noble path. Three months later and he is still wearing the hair shirt of pain.
Unfortunately, the ego can create a wall that appears too high to scale. It tells you that you made a mistake, so you feel guilt. Then you feel anger at the person who you feel guilty about hurting. The anger may incite another action that is unkind. Now the ego tells you that you cannot undo it as you have gone too far down the road. The other person will not forgive you. So the wall continues to build until it is so high that you believe that you cannot climb over it, you cannot get out from behind it. It convinces you that you are not worthy of love. You are to stay in the shadows.
We stay in our suffering until we tire of it. I sure spent enough years in it, believing that there was no way out. Being so far in the tunnel that I could not see the light at the end. It is hard to believe that I lived in that darkness for so long. I am so grateful to be free and standing in the light of my truth.
Thank goodness for friends at such times who can remind us of our truth and for our hearts which have helped us find freedom.