Today has been a lovely day despite the cold and rain splotched weather. I had only slept a few hours as sleep eluded me until 3am. Figured that my body needed some rewiring that involved me being awake but not very conscious, you know that dreamy state. I sing to myself, say prayers, daydream. Too tired to get up and do anything, eyes not able to focus to read, mind relatively quiet. Feeling strange tinglings and sensations in different parts of my body. How glad I am that I do not have to function in a 9-5 job. I recall the feeling of desperation as the clock would tick away the night time hours with me awake. “Oh no, it is 4 am and I have to be up in 2 hours, how will I survive?” Panic used to set in which only made the whole situation worse. Now I observe it and my mind, and drift with it.
I got up wondering if my car needed to be moved. The San Francisco parking patrol officers are very efficient at their jobs. The kids and I joke about adding to the support of this beautiful city each time one of us gets a parking ticket. We have gotten better since they got a parking permit that allows you to park for 3 days on your neighborhood streets, rather than the 2 hours for those without the permit. Due to my temporary status, I did not apply for a permit. Not sure how many you are allowed per address. My car has to be parked where you can stay for a day or two or three. That involved a walk of a few blocks, that leads you steadily up hill. The last block is so steep that you get quite the workout. Each street has its own street cleaning days, 2nd and 4th Mon, 1st and 3rd Wed. No uniformity on the myriad streets that constitute my parking area. So 8am is the deadline for moving the car, usually. Some are from 12-2pm, others from 10-12noon. I did get a ticket for a random one that was from 6-8am, There I was right before the stroke of 8am feeling righteous and delighted with myself for remembering to move the car only to see the flapping white envelope tucked under my wipers. $55! Another was for turning my wheels the wrong way for the grade (I am a bit dyslexic), and the others were missing the street cleaning times. $50-$65 a crack. I think that the times are purposely set so differently to keep everyone confused. You cannot go online and check the dates and times to watch for so…you have to remember. Which brings me back to this morning when I could not recall if it was the 1st and 3rd Thurs or 2nd and 4th. So, I pulled on some clothes and headed out into the morning mist for a quick hike up the hill. My car was safe until Monday morning. I repeated Monday morning aloud to myself a few times as I walked down the hill, to register it in my brain. It all becomes a blur after awhile.
Intended to do my exercises before showering. Lucy came home from an early morning work out, she made me a yummy breakfast of kale (never my favorite green but she makes it appealing) and an english muffin with egg and cheese. I began to play around with my art project. A friend called on skype and we spoke for quite some time. We shared our art projects and encouraged one another. Back to the project. I had begun it with what I had. I was pulling the wrong kind of needle through a difficult angle as the wooden frame of the small canvas was obstructing easy access. It made the whole process more laborious than necessary but I was determined to use what I had as I had no desire to head out to a store.
Another friend called who I had not spoken with in quite some time. We shared stories and encouragement. Truly we do need one another as we move through all the changes that are taking place. I told her that I had been feeling anxious yesterday. Old energy for me. She too had felt the same. We both had had dreams of men from our pasts, dreams where things were explained and growth had taken place on the part of the men. Nice to know I am not alone in this. Another friend emailed that she was feeling the continual releasing on a deeper level and that she was not judging herself but rather accepting herself where she found herself. That was a good reminder to me. When you have some time in the bliss state, the anxiety state can produce some panic, “Yikes, I am back here! What have I done wrong?”
When in truth, it is all as it should be. Accept what is in every moment. I remember this most of the time but the feelings of anxiety had thrown me for a loop. Thank goodness for friends on the path who can help bring me back home!
I was doing an outdoor boot camp with my daughter. She is just starting her own business so I went to support her, praying that I could get through her workout! At one point I was next to her and began speaking of things that I needed to take care of. She looked at me in surprise. I said, “I know, I am feeling anxious.” She said, “Mom, it is ok. You are safe. It will all be fine.” So dear that she can instantly be the mother and reassure me. You are safe..that was the dearest expression! I recall days on my couch where I repeated those words, “You are safe “, over and over like a mantra. It was my first apartment of my own as well as first time living alone at 51 years of age. After years of no solitude, I was suddenly immersed in the silence and aloneness.
Back to my art project, playing with the beads and seeing where it would all lead. I am more fluid in my art these days. Less planning, more of a co-creative process as I see where my soul leads me. Art has that aspect inherent in it, the flowing. But I noticed today that I did not worry about how it would turn out. Gave myself permission to simply play with the beads and colors. I love gold leaf though I do not know much about working with it. But I have used it as well as twigs and stones on most of my paintings. Also I like writing on the painting. I had sent my sister home with my twin flame chalice painting, as she really loved it. Today two people expressed regret that I had given it away as they really loved it. That was nice to hear. My sister called and was happily trying out the painting and a little ceramic buddha that I had made, in various places around her apartment. I am glad to think that she will get enjoyment from something that I created. I do like my art but once it is created, I am not so attached to it. The process of creating is the real joy for me. Though I have enjoyed going places and being pleased to encounter something that I have made at various friends’ houses. Also, the traveling lifestyle does not lend itself to keeping a stack of paintings with me, nor ceramics for that matter. So, most has been given away. My kids have some and friends the rest.
So, today I created a miniature painting, 5x7inches. I may go smaller. I am experimenting as I have a series of sketches for twin flame pictures that I want to create. Tiny ones would be fun but I had to see how the beads would work, to know how small I can go. It is kind of funny to me as my great desire is to paint with a house painting type of brush on huge canvases where my whole arm could sweep across and up and down. I can feel in my body that I have done that size painting before…..not in this lifetime but surely in another. So small is not my thing yet I have been attracted to mosaics and tiny intricate work. I was pleased with how this first attempt came out. The photo does not show the colors well. It has a light blue background and more vibrant colors…but you can get a sense of it. The writing says:
“Love is such a perfect lover, caressing and waxing our souls to blossom from seeds hidden within the soul. We are blissful in our love, lifted, transported, expanded into the cosmos.Love is such a perfect lover. I am love, You are love. We are love.”
Now I cannot recall where I read those lines, I added the last three but know that I did not write the others. If you know, let me know!
I then surprised myself by getting into gear and making miso soup, wholewheat muffins with orange zest and grated ginger and chocolate cookies for dessert. The kids came home late, cold and wet from their workout in the rain so I was happy to have some warm food prepared for them. I do not care for cooking for myself but when there are others to appreciate it, it becomes more of a joy to me. Baking is always a joy, I love to bake.
So, only a brief walk outside yet contentment as the art progressed. Just had a late night call from Eagle, my Lakota chief friend. He is coming for dinner tomorrow night if I can cook some wild meat for him. He asked, “Do you have any wild buffalo, deer or turkey meat?” No, not in my fridge but I am sure that somewhere in San Francisco I can find a place to buy some. It has been awhile since I cooked anything of that nature but I will make an attempt for my friend.
Time for bed, almost midnight and surely sleep will take me.