Watching myself these days, here in the void. It is truly amazing to see how many layers there are inside of us. You peel one back, (or twenty!) and find that you are in a new landscape yet again. You look around and say, “Hey, some of this feels familiar. I am tired of this, I want something new. New, do you hear me? Is anyone listening?”
Curled up on the bed, letting the headaches and nausea have their way. Another layer of surrender is at hand. You would think that I would be a veteran of the surrender game, after these last few years. Possessions, home, friends, place, predictable schedule, (any ability to predict a day ahead) ……..so much jettisoned on this path to mastery. Yet I stand before a door that requires a new level of surrender to enter in. I must surrender all of me that I have come to know in these last few years. All the hard earned wisdom that I gathered on my many miles of traveling about…over the side it goes. I have to “unknow me”. I read that phrase somewhere recently and it struck like a hot iron. Yes, that is where I am. The new earth requires letting go of all of the old and that includes any idea of who I am. My mind has many stories about the work that I do, the path that I am following. I am being asked to stand in the void and orient myself. There is no sun rising to establish East nor North Star to point out North. I am free falling in space and I am beginning to sense how to be at peace in this space. That is where the surrender comes in big time, let go, let go. No knowing, let go of the need to know anything. I sense that I can orient myself in my heart. I am still twirling and whirling but there is a center that I can almost grasp. I sense it rather than see it. I am moving closer all the time. It seems counter intuitive to let go completely in order to find my way. We are moving out of the reign of the mind and into the new reign of the heart. Takes a whole new set of skills. This free fall is the gateway.
Watching people move in and out of my life. A call from my former spouse (who had put me on the outs, do not contact list) expressing concern that I was in a dark place. His family (they read my blog?) had gotten that from my blog and alerted him. The interesting thing was that it was the drama that was the draw. The adrenaline rush of seeing a “problem” and wanting to get into the thick of it. Drama has been a way of moving through life for so long, going from problem to problem, feeding on the hit of energy generated. It was a strong thread in his family as it was in mine but the vibration feels so foreign to me now. It interested me how I can now see the energy behind the words spoken. We are moving into transparency where nothing will be hidden as we will all read one another’s intents. No longer will I experience that strange sense of being told something and having my heart feel the opposite. My mind would struggle with the contradiction and conclude that I was wrong in my read of it. Now I trust myself and my ability to read what is truly being said. This is my time as my truth telling open heart can sing its song and know that it is received with love by me, by my mother and father God. I will no longer abandon her to someone else’s truth.
That is the other thing, my heart feels like it has shattered, over and over. I have watched explosions taking place, like big fireworks inside as I felt my angels and guides step back, leaving me to myself. The void is all encompassing. I am understanding that is the way to the openness required. That is why I am seeking a protective space for a time. I cannot put on the covering that is required to walk about in the 3D world. I have to leave myself wide open, heart on fire, open to the air to burn brightly. I see the white fire and know that I am it. Purifying all, burning through the barriers, the protective coverings. I am reminded of the images of my Catholic childhood of Mother Mary’s and Jesus’ sacred hearts. A bit gruesome
to a child but I am understanding them in a new way today. All the darts and arrows turn to ash as every perceived wound or hurt is consumed.
I feel like this purple house I passed as I took a short walk in the city today. In many places, this house would be out of place. Too loud, too bold, too bright. Yet in San Francisco, it is just right. It matches the mood of the city. I am entering a land where I am just right. Where I match, where I know the right colors to wear and my heart light shines in delight. The welcome home sign is being prepared to be hung. Oh, I can hear the faint notes of the band tuning up. There will be a celebration as we enter in, heart lights streaming. (my new favorite phrase!)