This poppy found its way to bloom at the bottom of my steps. A bit of dirt in the concrete and it took the opportunity to shine.

Once again, a humbling experience as my elder son pointed out the way I commented about my youngest son’s life, when no input was sought. I have done it with all of my adult children. An unconscious habit that I had thought I had conquered. Ah…another look at this behavior. I had to sit with it for a bit, shed a few tears and breathe deeply. I traced it back to fear…..a fear that something would happen so my words were thrown out as a protective barrier in hope of that they would shield them from any harm or discomfort. A fallacy for sure.

There are experiences that I have garnered over my almost seven decades. This conversation was a reminder that they are my experiences and lessons, not those of my offspring. They will learn and grow in wisdom and strength, as each generation does.

My life has space in it, I no longer run a household or have garden projects or house projects to do. I no longer am in charge of forty teachers and myriad students. I am only in charge of myself. Yet, after all these years, almost two decades on my own, those patterns of control and organization still find open pathways for my thoughts to run upon. They are part of my skill set that is no longer needed in my  life. I can access them if needed but must allow them to fade for the present.

Sewing again, this linen tablecloth brings a sense of calm and beauty to my small space.

My artist self has been waking up. I have been gathering images, textiles, words……finding bits of beauty that feed my soul. My palms are tingling with the desire to create. I pulled out my old scrapbooks from the year that I took ceramic classes. I looked back at photos of my very first painting as I was looking to find myself in the aftermath of my marriage’s demise. Making art helped me to heal. Moving my body was part of it also. After months (though who can tell time anymore, could have been weeks?) of a stagnant feeling of sluggishness, my body is wanting more movement. I am back to doing strength exercises and short you tube videos for my back. Swimming most days feels so enlivening! I am cooking again, using recipes to discover new tastes that excite my senses. It feels good to be more alive in my being. My cells are spinning more rapidly, there is this hum that I can move with.

Another difference that I am noting, is that I can read books with more difficult subjects after a period of light romances and happy endings. The librarian and I were both noticing a change in our reading habits. I am volunteering for a few things in the community, finding I can stick to a commitment and have energy to follow through. I can have a morning with the grandkids and still have energy to do something else in my day. It is an expansive feeling, one full of hope for a future in which our bodies are regenerated and our spirits recharged with delight and joy. Where ease and grace are the way of life and all are free from the heaviness of the past.

One of my son’s paintings that allows me a vista as I lie in bed.

This is my record keeping of these inner changes that express through my body and heart. I see us looking back and marveling at all that we came through. It helps to let go of the old patterns that served to keep us safe. The new is so much freer and open. My heart is free to stand unguarded as I drink the renewal elixirs in each moment. They were always there but I could not reach them. Now, I know it in my bones…..I am safe. All is well. We are creating heaven on earth. Breath by breath, moment by moment. I can let go and trust. Trust that my children and grandchildren are guided by their own inner light, by their own soul paths. All of us, walking this life as best we can.

It is ok to be spent at the end of the day. May I spend my heartlight to the full each day, knowing that the well is deep and eternal.