Today I have traveled up and down, back and forth across the emotional landscape. Right now I feel like water cascading down a waterfall. Rushing torrent carrying me down and finally, under I go. Sleep waiting for me in the deep, deep water. Do you ever feel the fatigue hit you that way? Yet I am prompted to sit up and get this down before I succumb to that deep sleep.
Started off so bright at the beach, walking along, picking up stones that glistened in the sand. They are so beautiful, the colors so rich. Carry them home in pockets, lay them out on the table only to discover that they are rather dull. The sheen has evaporated with the water. Some still call me whether through the feel of them against my fingers as I turn them over in my hand or some texture or shape that captures my imagination.
Ran into a couple of my younger son’s friends coming out of the surf after a morning of riding ocean waves. Joyful to see their wet shining faces so full of life and vitality. What a way to greet the day!
Drove up to Sacramento for lunch with my eldest son. A total pleasure to see his beauty shining so bright. Sometimes I need the physical read on him. After a recent phone conversation where he sounded a bit low, it was time to touch base, check in and simply soak him up. We ordered salads and sandwiches and sat in the park surrounding the Capitol. The trees are immense and deeply rooted in their peace. The camellias were in bloom in all their different colors and shapes. We sat on a bench in the sun and enjoyed the beauty. There was a garbage can near us and a homeless man was digging through and collecting the bottles to add to his cart for recycling. He was very industrious. After he had moved off, my son said how he always felt such a deep compassion for folks like this guy. It is hard to see any of our fellowmen suffering. I shared that I had been reading the Anastasia stories that came out of Russia and how Vladimir spoke of his experience of spending some time with a homeless man. He followed him around and then offered him an opportunity for employment with a friend of his as well as a place to stay. The man concluded that Vladimir was simply out to take over his dumpsters and he was having none of it. Vladimir protested that he was offering the man a chance for a different life where he might enjoy more comfort and ease. The man could not take in the idea of a different life as his days were filled to the brim with his present world. The story went on to say how we create our realities and our lives are as big as we can imagine or as my daughter had read somewhere, as big as we have the courage to imagine. We spoke of enlarging our own visions to encompass a life better than we can presently imagine. This or better please! I often ask the Universe and my higher self for “this or better” as I am limited in my imagination and know that there is more that I could be reaching for but have no language for it. Only a faint heart memory of such beauty and love unending.
My son spoke of the wonderful news from Egypt. I had not heard so it brought immediate tears to my eyes. What a blessing, what power of the people that we witnessed. I do not read nor listen to the news. From the internet websites that I frequent I respond to calls for prayers and healing light to be sent places. I was filled with such joy for the Egyptian people and so inspired by what they had accomplished. We are witnessing a new earth being born. It is so powerful.
Later I had to do an errand that found me out of integrity. I neglected to make a call to make a request of someone who had asked to not hear from me. Yet the situation warranted a call. I am not one who typically avoids confrontation, as my life as a truth sayer has given me a great deal of practice in this area. Avoid I did and there was an immediate consequence. Thank goodness. I used to tell my kids when they were little that they had to be aware that they had a clear knowledge of right and wrong in their beings and that when consequences came back quickly it was a sign of how deeply there were loved. So the love came flooding to me as I saw where I was out of integrity. It was humbling. I was grateful that the anger was diffused within a couple of minutes as I accepted the anger, acknowledged my mistake and apologized for my action. A base level of civility was gained in that short time. It took me a bit longer to accept my mistake, forgive myself and find my equilibrium again. There were many layers of pain that the incident brought to the surface and many old patterns. Amazing how much could be contained in this one small incident. I did my ho’oponopono:
I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
So the day held deep beauty and love and also deep sorrow at the distance of a heart from mine as well as a lesson for my heart. So much in one day. Time is so expansive these days, I often cannot recall all that a day contained. I am grateful for all that occurred today, all of it enlarging my heart’s capacity to feel love and express love. Hallelujah!