Cracking
Today was a day unto itself in agitation, anger, fatigue, frustration. I felt myself at the end of this long cycle of the Kali Yuga. I wanted to dismantle my altar, take down the Mother Mary images, clear the decks of all that got me to here. Crystals, ascended masters, skulls…..smash them. New age, spirituality……all tasted like sawdust in my mouth. Fucking this and that flew out of my mouth. Everything felt off.
I am done. Complete with this game we created. No juice left, all dried out. Nothing sparks, nothing beckons or excites. DONE!
I definitely wanted to escape as “I am leaving!” sprang from my lips. It echoed down corridors of old when I was running on empty and had no knowing of how to refill myself. It has been years since that feeling of overwhelm had surfaced. It was as if everything that came into my field had streamers attached, bringing so many unvoiced desires with each interaction. All pulling at me for something which brought up so much anger. Grief running a line through it red hot. DONE!
I have nothing left to give to any of it. This illusion has outrun its natural course like a bad show that was allowed an extra run. Nothing new expressed, reruns of the old.
New moon, time to set new intentions. What do I desire? I desire the plug to be pulled on this show. I would light it up if I could, torch me and all of it so as to get to the rebirth, the new, the open playing field. This rigged game is so oppressive.
Wrath blazes up at how we have all been used and held back and held down. Yes, it is dissolving, yes, light is embracing the dark, yes, we create our world, yes, love is the answer. Yes, yes, yes. It all is white noise to me today. None of it makes sense.
Nature offers some solace with her ability to endure and be with what is. My being reaches out into the field, searching for anyone who I can relate to. Instantly, one calls and the relief! To share this feeling with another, to fill and feel the space together, brings tears and even laughter. We barge back and forth with, “Fuck that! and “This fucking……..” until some of the energy is skimmed off. She asks if I can be with it, can we both just feel it. Yes, we are standing in it. Breathing it in and by being with it, the weave loosens. More observation, and some space opens up……not much…..enough to tilt my head up and catch a shallow breath.
Another, close at hand, offers a hug, a few words of comfort, understanding. Not trying to change what I am experiencing, rather standing next to me in it. How grateful am I for the beauty of our hearts.
Not doing anything with it. No conclusions, no pronouncements, no action. Taking a breath. And then the next one. That is the victory of this day. To endure. Once again, to endure. I am here. I showed up. That is all I have.
Thank you for being you, Linda! For sharing the bad days as well as the good! Today I feel just like you, flying into an unreasonable rage about everything, just wanting to scream in frustration and be well away from anyone ( though I think everyone may be staying out of my way anyway!), having not a clue what has turned me into this mad woman. At least your blog has consoled me a little, knowing I am not alone!
Dear Ann,
Thank God some of our tribe is about to share with during these intense times. I so get the rage and thank you for expressing it. It has to be seen and felt to move as does all energy. I sense that we are reclaiming a huge part of our power right now by allowing this expression.
No judgment, this is who I am today and it is enough.
Loving you,
linda
Dear Linda – you never cease to amaze me! Each and everyone of your posts is always in sync with what I am experiencing when I read them. How cool is that????
Your experience today illustrates what I was reading last night about energy-balancing dreams (Ref. Spiritual Psychology by Steve Rother). It seems you’re balancing your energy field (which is filled with beautiful heart connections and love) with what seems like a negative experience. The book says the balance occurs in dreams that are generally not meant to be remembered; negative days followed by wonderful dreams and vice-versa. You may be doing the balancing even in your awake time because there is not enough time at night to balance the tremendously high energy that you carry all the time 🙂
I used to be such a vivid dreamer but for a while now I haven’t been able to remember my dreams. This morning, however, because I chose to, I remembered a very vivid dream, better described as a nightmare, which made me feel very heavy when I woke up. Instead of carrying this density for hours or days, like I did in the past, I just discarded the dream as an energy-balancing episode, and went back to my usual ‘lighter self’. I have to say, after reading your post, I felt even better. It reassured me it is okay and only natural to have bad nights or bad days….after all, if all we wanted was perfect bliss, we wouldn’t have chosen the human experience in the first place 🙂
I’m fuckin’ loving life, imperfections and all, right now!
There, I finally said it – after a long life entirely devoid of profanities…
You did this Linda 🙂 Thank you for adding more colors to my life!
I’m f’ing loving you too!
Dear Nici,
Woohoo…..similar to me with little profanity but now, watch out! Interesting about the energy balancing. Moving into no labels of good/bad days, just moments lived with all we have for them. Love that you are fuckin loving life! Love the colors, bigger palate to play with.
Definitely feeling some power released and we let go of any notion of how anything should be and show up…..cursing or singing or crying. We show up. Thanks for showing up in your new colors!
Loving you,
Linda
I know exactly what you are expressing here, I have begged to be able to leave.
I had another ‘ blow up’ with and at myself early this morning, I used the f word a couple of times talking to a neighbour earlier.
Somewhere in all this insanity is the love we so want and need, all is well I know.
Love you Linda
Dear Maggie,
We are enduring and it is what it is. Felt joyfilled yesterday afternoon, all felt lighter for having allowed what was to present itself. Allowing love to be present in its many guises. Glad you know all is well, and it is.
Keep on keeping on and surrender in each moment.
What a game.
love you
Linda
elegant truth.
‘reruns’ is a good note;
old drama trying to replay itself
searching for why – making more drama
every breath is endurance. every moment is an eternity of meditation.
Hello Steven,
Thanks for reading and your comments. No more into whys. simply witnessing what is.
Blessings of heartlight,
linda