A lake in Maine where I attended a wedding.

3:33 am and sleep is elusive. There have been major solar flares affecting all life on our beautiful planet. Our sun, which gives us life, is blessing us with the opportunity to live life more fully. It can feel like the opposite as our bodies struggle to adjust to the increased pressures. The past few days, I have felt that I am moving through mud. My body is so weighed down with fatigue that doing much of anything is a struggle.

I have been back home, from my recent weekend away in Maine, for a week. My small suitcase still sits in my bedroom, not yet unpacked. My laundry basket is next to it, clean clothes folded inside yet not put away. My refrigerator is full of my farm share of organic veggies and meats and yet I walked across the street to the village store and bought myself a pizza. I have had little energy to cook though I manage to put together a salad most days. My daily walking routine has fallen away. I watch the rain and sun play outside my windows as I lay on the couch and read or watch videos. I want to sit by the water or walk in the woods but it all feels like too much effort.

New Hamphire’s White Mountains lighting up our drive to Maine.

I trust this process even while I long for more energy, more aliveness. I feel like a puppet on a string at times……animate myself for the grandkids, for my kids and then collapse completely. I choose to use what energy that comes, on these essentials. Bake cookies with my grandson rather than clean my apartment. Play dress up with my granddaughter and reenact her version of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White a dozen times rather than change my sheets. Spend time on the floor with my 10 month old grandson rather than complete a sewing project. It feels a bit feral as dishes are left in the sink, clothes in piles on the floor, closet contents spilling out as I began to reorganize only to run out of steam. This makes me uncomfortable as I like order and beauty. So I do what I can and then surrender to living with the mess until energy returns to deal with it.

I have been showing up to help my daughter pack for her upcoming move. She and my grandson are moving an hour and a half away. I will miss them both in the daily rhythm of my life. It will take more effort to spend time, no longer a ten minute walk down the road, no more meeting my grandson at his school to walk him the two minutes back to my place to play together. There will be a big space in my life where time with the two of them has been.

My heart has been grieving this change. I have been a second mother to my grandson for the eight years of his life.  I have lived with him or close by him for most of these years.  My daughter divorced when he was little. She is ready to create a larger family with a new partner. He has a teenage daughter so they will each go from a unit of two to a family of four. There will be more opportunities and adjustments for all of them with this move.  But the spontaneous get togethers with family will be in the past. It will be more intentional and take more planning and effort to make it happen. The nature of time with my grandson will change. I am called to let go and trust that he will be ok, that my daughter will have the support that she needs. That my role as that major support has come to an end. This is a relief as I am weary of that role that has consumed so much of my life force and yet there is line of grief in there as well.

This is life, the grief and excitement, the sorrow and joy, the mess and order, the fatigue and the energy. Our hearts get a workout on a daily basis. I know that I am able for all of this. I know that our souls are always moving towards more experiences, more growth. I celebrate this for myself and for those I love. We are always moving towards more…..may all of our worlds grow brighter , may the ebb and flow get lighter and may love connect our hearts ever deeper.