The mountain continues to give me clarity. Yesterday was interesting. I had not slept much the night before, read a book in my tent until my headlamp batteries died. Energies were shifting and I could not settle. I spent the afternoon with a couple of friends. We did some intense work together as one woman was releasing some heavy attachments from a relationship that she had recently left. It echoed what I had experienced formerly and as we all spoke, we could share common threads and support. That is one of the beauties of sharing, we open the door for others to not feel alone on their journeys. We can validate what someone is experiencing and by acknowledging that their intuition is right on, we allow one another that space to step out of the pattern. Freedom can be had. It was beautiful to witness and be a part of.
Discernment, What is My Path?
So my learning came as we went to the Headwaters of the Sacramento River to wash our feet and to fill our water bottles with the clear, clean water. After a time, I felt ready to leave. I was tired and wanted a nap. I was driving so instead of simply stating my desire to leave, I waited around. I went for a walk with one woman into the woods nearby. A man came along, wanting to show us more of the pathways into the woods. We followed and it became a longer walk than I was up for. I felt a sharp stab of a feeling calling me back. Almost an anxiety like one of my kids needed me. I did not immediately turn around but continued to follow as the pressure to go back grew. Finally I said, I need to return. The other friend who had remained at the headwaters, had been sending us a message to return as she was concerned about the energies of the man we had met. He was a taker of energy in a strange way.
I saw how by not caring for myself when I was tired, I was spacey and not in a clear space to articulate my needs and be aware of the energies about me. It was a beautiful wake up call to listen to and honor that voice inside above all else.
This came into play later as I contemplated a board meeting that I was to attend today. I had been asked by a woman, who I admire, to be on her USA board of directors for her non-profit organization. When the idea was presented as building a community here in the USA, I thought it was community like I am desiring to co-create. I was so excited as I thought that her was an opportunity to advance that plan. But her focus is different. I found myself not wanting to read bylaws and go through all the rules of building this organization. It felt heavy to me (this is a good sign that I am in the wrong area!) I wrestled with the feelings of letting go of a commitment that I had made once again (I have done this a few times in the past couple of years) and trying to discern what it was that I really wanted. I saw that my avoiding reading the materials and the difficulties of doing conference calls from cafes and such with limited internet access, was clearly giving me some information. This commitment did not fit with my life. I saw that my ego had been flattered that this person who is one of the leaders in the spiritual movement, had asked me to be a part of her organization. So, that is old energy, feeding the ego! I can let that go. I need to feed my truth, my path. I can only follow where I am guided. I have been cut free in so many ways from the regular world and I see that is necessary for me to hold the vision of the new. This is my work and it does require my focus and commitment.
So, today I wrote my resignation letter. My heart felt a bit heavy in the doing but now I feel the freedom in the release from an obligation that did not fit. It is a dance, we step here and then there, trying to find our flow. Each day, there is more to learn and discover about being our authentic self. I am grateful for the learning and the opportunities to continue the dance!
The discerning never ends.