Everything feels off these days. I intended to book a place to stay in an area on the Maine coast that I had heard of. Instead I booked a place where I had once intended to spend the summer with one of my sisters. She lived here for a couple of years. So, here I am. Is there some reason that I had to circle back here? How did I book this place?
I feel muddled. Everything shifts….intend this……that happens. Buy something to eat…..it does not taste right. Put on clothes….they feel uncomfortable. My belly is bloated……sleep is full of strange dreams and does not provide rest. I start something and then I am doing something else. I find myself stopping in the middle of things and asking myself,
Why am I doing this? What is going on?
It is as if I am shifting between timelines, between different aspects of myself.
The sound of waves crashing and gulls calling is comforting. I love long walks on the beach but find I am running out of energy quickly. Grey, rainy weather for the few days that I am here. Sky and surf blur in a soft liquid grey. Umbrellas and flowers offer pops of color.
It feels like I am seeing through a filter, my lens is salt encrusted and everything is muted. My senses seem dulled. I observe myself with a kind of wonder. Who am I in this moment?
I feel done with this earth experience. I cannot find anything to pull me forward with anticipation. I am present and find moments of joy in my grandkids, in the beauty around me, in the juice of a ripe peach dripping down my chin. And yet….it does not satisfy. I feel myself detached, floating in emptiness.
This open vista of sky, surf, sand calls part of me forth. I feel I could walk out into the barely perceptible horizon line and disappear. The old is fading, the new as yet uncreated. This space that offers only breathing room. I take a breath and then another. I am here.
Ok, photos will not load…..another glitch in my world.
Oh my dear Linda, you have expressed this weirdness that is going on so beautifully and poetically. I couldn’t have done the same but what you have written so resonates with me. My body even seems foreign to me right now with new aches, pains and sensations not experienced before. When I gaze out the window of our small apartment I feel like I am looking at a world I don’t feel a part of and have no feelings for. I feel apart from myself… or at least who I have been. Maybe that’s a good thing. Time will tell.
Just even reading a few of your lines of writing here, making me say yes, to it. I am feeling this also. Along with a ringing in my ear that comes and goes. Working in the garden brings some peace, a tiny patio one. Breathing in and then out brings a slowdown around me. Thanks for your sharing.
Deva Sadhvi