The color blue has been a presence in my world these past months. Most of my recent clothing purchases have been a lovely aqua or robin’s egg blue, which was my favorite color as a child. Interesting how I am coming back to that now. I had two big blue experiences in Shasta, besides the blue blue water of the lakes. One morning I awoke from a dream where I had been at a naming ceremony. I was gifted with a new name. It was a very formal event attended by many. I was wearing my blue starry crown that I had been given, along with my sisters in Santa Fe, by the Divine Mother. A lovely deep violet blue cloak was put on me and I had my sword sheathed at my hip. I had a beautiful gown (I love the costumes we will get to wear again!) and I stood in my beauty. I was asked if I was willing to accept my new name with all the gifts and powers that it signified. Was I ready to fully step into myself? It was a humbling, reverent and joyous occasion. I did accept my new name and all that it represented. I recall the sense of celebration and joy. As I awoke in my tent, I was repeating the name, not sure of the middle name. It was Blue Star Lotus. When I told my elder son, he laughed and said, “Now you will fit right in with the Shasta crowd, Mom!” I do believe that we are all bringing in more of our true selves and have many names on the various dimensions where we reside as well as earning new ones as we evolve.

Another heart by Mother Nature, I am taking them all as signs of her love to me and to us! My

other experience is of a blue file box. I did another level of sorting with my few remaining boxes in Sacramento. All of my papers from our four drawer file cabinet had been reduced at the time of the divorce, into a plastic file box. I had not opened it in ages. I did not get to sorting through it before I left so I had brought it along, intending to get to it in the woods. One afternoon, I was suddenly in the mood to deal with it. I began to sort and toss papers into the nearby fire pit. I had no idea that I was to sort through years of emotions. There were my teaching credentials from NY State, Montana and California, records of my earnings over the years, records of things with the kids, letters of recommendations from parents of my tutoring students when I was homeschooling and applying for my first job in years, divorce papers, a few old letters, some writings I had saved, the rental agreement from my first apartment after the divorce, the car title changed from a couple to me…on and on. I sat and felt waves of emotion. It was like opening Pandora’s box! My friend called to tell me when she would be back and then the tears came. Somehow they came more easily when relating the story to someone. She helped me to process it and let it move through me. My mind was fixing on plans, trying to get away from the well of emotion. Ok, breathe. I gathered sticks and a match and began the fire. It took a very long time to burn through all the layers of papers. It was a beautiful fire that kept me company for a couple of hours or more. I was so glad that I had done it this way as I was witness to so much pain and grief, being transformed into coals that sparkled like jewels. The red hot heat of the fire and coals was a thing of beauty. I had to keep moving my chair as the wind sent the smoke my way. I finally surrendered as I realized that the fire was asking to smudge me. To purify me, to aid in the releasing. Again, the elementals, helping me.

I did not walk six miles that day…walked about a mile or two and then saw an enticing spot to swim. There was a steep bank and I inadvertently descended on my butt and slid to the water’s edge! The water felt great after my rather dramatic approach. I floated on my back until my ears got too cold. It felt so magical; cold water, big powerful mountain, sunshine, trees. Heaven. When I rested on the shore, I watched two ducks swimming by. I watched the male leading and the female swimming along behind. And a new thought came: the male was activating the “thrust” into the world, opening the way. The female was flowing with the opening, allowing her feminine nature to move gracefully along. I felt such deep resonance with this as of late, my thrusting into the world energy has deserted me. My feminine is ready for a male to take the lead and move first into the world, allowing my feminine to be sheltered so as to flow freely. This feels so different from the way I always saw it before..the female docilely following along. We were taught to rebel against that image yet I did just that for much of my life, allowing my partner to call the tune that I stepped to. I would not have said that was what I did, but in hindsight, I was constantly taking my cues from his emotional state and adjusting my behavior accordingly.

The Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus & the Sex Magic of Isis

San Francisco is an interesting place to be in the summer as it feels like winter! Fog rolls in and over the hill and the breeze makes me pull my wool hat down over my ears. I loved this cloud that looked like a tadpole skimming across the sky. I resonate with him, in the process of growing into my new form, floating in space that is neither sea nor sky. We think of tadpoles in water yet here he is floating amongst the clouds. This little guy is showing me the new way, I think that I am here on the earth, living my life when really I am floating in the clouds, trying to grow the legs that will allow me to walk across the bridge to the new.

Thinking about feelings and the way we tuck them into our hearts. I was reading something that said that our hearts are meant to be wide open, not closets full of old stuff we did not want to feel. I have been airing out my heart these past few days. Lying on the couch or bed in my daughter’s apartment (this is why I am not camping right now…I needed a more comfortable perch than a tent in the middle of the day. I love camping but it takes energy and as I was running low, the idea seemed too hard.) I can look out at the trees (well only from the bed as the couch looks at the side of the building next door) and drift from my place of comfort. So I have been taking things out to air. Shame, guilt.. any of that in there? Today

I dozed and then was reading a light “junk food” type of book…..no real nutrition but just the ticket for the enjoyment factor sometimes, and I looked at the clock and saw that it was just about time to pick my daughter up from work. We had arranged to go and get her car from the garage where it had been serviced. I felt this guilt come over me…”oh no, the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink, my stuff is lying about, I haven’t started dinner.” Wow, a litany of shoulds came crashing down on me. I was the mother but it was as if my daughter would be upset with me. This was a really old pattern from my old life where I felt I had to meet some standard at all times. That my worth as a person was measured by what I had accomplished that day. Yikes! Ok, so there was guilt. Observe how he wants to speed up my adrenaline, make me move quickly when I am feeling languid and slow. He came and received a good airing and my daughter and I laughed about it as I related how this sense of panic had come over me.

I want my heart to be an open vessel that the Creator’s love and energy can move through at will. That is my deepest desire. I feel that my body recently told me to stop and rest so that this housecleaning can take place. I have done most of the external housecleaning when I walked away from the house and its stuff a few years ago. This internal heart cleaning is a different story. My mind gets that stuff is just that…..stuff and that the world has too much stuff. You can always get stuff. I learned this lesson in my early twenties when one of my younger sisters committed suicide. She had been in the military overseas and one day a UPS truck pulled up and deposited a number of boxes of her stuff at my parents’ doorstep. It struck me deeply that that was what was left at the end of your life……boxes of stuff that someone would have to sort through. A stark lesson. So, the material things have not been something that I cling to though I love beauty and like it around me.

Heart cleaning…..what else is in there. Anger. Hmmm. What does he have to say? Oh, he wants to talk until he feels heard. Tonight that happened with my daughter, not at her but she asked for my story of a difficult time in my life and the anger came. She listened with such compassion that I felt embraced in love. I was able to embrace my anger and thank him for helping me to move from a tough place. Anger had been a means of survival. For so long I could not even access anger as I felt shame for feeling anger at all. I was able to honor him and then he could transform. This heart cleaning, clearing is an interesting process. There is more to go but I feel lighter already….like when you clean out a closet or the garage. Once you begin, it can get a bit messy. Actually it does get messier as you get deeper into it. But then the tipping point is reached and you begin to see some clear space around you. I am enjoying that space tonight. A breeze blowing softly through. Calling in the violet flame to transmute the energy released (a bit like taking stuff to Goodwill, the violet flame transmutes it all into something good).

Tomorrow is a new day. I want to live it fully feeling everything in my life, not storing anything till a later date. Knowing that this is how our heart was designed. To fully feel all experiences in the moment so that it is open and ready for the next moment. I am loving this heart of mine tonight. I am letting my heart light shine.

As a woman who has always been affected emotionally by the moon’s pull, yesterday’s full moon was significant for me. I could feel the pressure building as I completed my long drive. This painting I call solar flares. On top of the energies of the full moon, we have been experiencing the most intense solar flares ever seen. Truly, our sun is assisting mightily in this wake-up call to humanity. There is so much light pouring into our crown chakras, opening us to remembrance of our true nature as star beings. As the light floods in, the denser energies are pushed up and out. Wow, did I experience this! I found myself sobbing as I drove through the desert. Part of my mind was running a “you are nuts” tape which is a very old program I thought long gone from the line up. My heart was full to bursting with a feeling of expectancy. It felt like the day before each of my babies came. Your body is preparing, you see the signs that the birth is imminent yet it has not happened. You feel a frenetic energy of nesting instincts coupled with an immense fatigue that makes you wonder how you will get through the labor to come. Every cell in my body was ready to embrace and hold my baby. I wanted my baby so much. I want this new earth with a desire that fills every cell to bursting. I am so ready to embrace her, to live on and with her, to be a part of a world where all can live in peace, love, abundance and freedom. The desire is so deep and has been held so long (eons and eons of time) and it is now finally approaching. I felt I could not bear the wait. The mind program was running saying: “You made it all up. This is not real.” I called a friend sobbing about how deeply tired I was and how I wanted to find my home. I am so ready to touch down on the earth where I feel that deep resonance. She assured me that it was that moment before the true stepping in. So close, oh, so close is my dream. Oh, to hold it in my arms! To live it in my days! To witness its beauty!

on the last night that my two friends and I were together. It was unexpected as one of my friend’s flight was cancelled. So we had the gift of an extra evening. I felt the call for a ceremony at the beautiful womb rock outside the front door. We lit some sweet grass gifted to me from a grandmother in Mount Shasta. We offered our thanks for the time we had shared. And the Mother came through and acknowledged our work, telling us our time with our swords was over. We could let down our warrior selves and embrace our divine feminine fully. She gifted us each with a crown of stars. The crowns lay in the rock cavity and we were told to put them on. It felt beautiful and light on my head. Stars..imagine! We are to walk with the knowledge of our beauty in the world and hold our heads high. This may seem like the stuff of fairy tales and I realize how I do want to live in the world of fairies, dragons, angels, nature sprites and wonders.

Ok, can you see this blue ray coming from the cloud? I found it fascinating. I was whooping and screaming in my car: ” Yes, blue ray masters and angels! We are here now!!! Archangel Michael, El Morya and all the other blue ray masters and angels were screaming along with me. What a cool sign! I ask for fun on my long drives, often there is not much. But this was a gift that I celebrated 🙂

a wonder to see the slot in the earth and descend into it. What beauty! A friend had recommended that I visit as it felt to her like the heart of the earth. The walls curved around you as you made your way deeper into the canyon. I felt like I was held in her womb. Rocks can be soft and caressing..who knew? Sensual and so feminine. The young Navajo guide played his flute for us and the sound in the canyon felt primal and just right. I would like to buy a native flute as it looks like something that I could play with in nature. Another way to sing to her and interact with her energies. I passed a place called, Vermilion cliffs and indeed

That evening we went to the Zen center where our weekend workshop with the calligraphy master awaited. The first night there was a meditation session followed by our practice session with the strokes. The teacher was a master in the way he presented the workshop. The first night was focused on practicing two strokes. It was interesting to witness the feelings of frustration that came up in the group. The master was so still, so calm. He demonstrated the strokes and then he had us come up one by one to sit at his place at the table. He stood behind us and held our hand and moved it through the character. That way we were able to feel the movement of the stroke. I could have used a hundred hand holdings to get the muscle memory but we were gifted with about six opportunities over the weekend.

I watched many emotions surface in the zen atmosphere. I rebelled against the silent meals, the gongs and rules. It felt so old to me, I have had so many lifetimes as a contemplative. The dark clothes, the subdued atmosphere did not fit me any longer. Instead of joining everyone in the zendo for meditation with all the bowing and rituals, I laid on a bench outside and delighted in the leaves dancing with the breeze. I faded in and out and that is the type of meditation that works for me. We are at a time where we each have to find what resonates with our hearts. I faced admonishment by a couple of the young residents who are so full of zeal for their path. I was told that I was disrespectful for not joining in the zendo time yet I did join in with the peace of the land. I found myself laughing at their admonishments yet when we were given an hour for meal time, in their hurry to complete their task, the food was whisked from the table as soon as the last person filled their plate. My idea of taking a little bit to taste first and returning for the food that I enjoyed, did not work. It was gone. Within 15 minutes, the plates were cleared from the tables and your hour meal was finished. A resident came by and asked a friend and I to lift our tea cups so that she could wipe the table under the cups. That felt disrespectful to me and funny as there are signs around about sipping your tea slowly with reverence. There seemed to me to be many examples of how the rules ruled and the atmosphere that was intended was lost. The grace of caring for guests and making all feel welcome, did not exist. There were locks on all the doors to the buildings that you needed a key code to open. Yet I had taken the camping option rather than paying the higher price for a shared room. I was shown to a area behind the compound that sloped down to what was once a river bed. There was a public path that ran along the river bed. This area belonged to the zen center but there were no signs delinating the property. There were no level places to pitch a tent and I had to clear rocks and broken bottles to pitch my tent. I was the only one camping and I listened to men walking along the path outside my tent door as I lay there in my sleeping bag. Not a safe environment and truly the worst camping site I had ever stayed at. So… the center was very lax in safety for their guests in that department yet locks on the other buildings. I found it all so interesting. It showed me what I do not wish to create in a community. The residents were more concerned with their rules and an attendant superiority attitude than with offering kindness. Kindness is the first rule if there are to be any. I believe that folks of a similar vibration can live together in peace without rules. If each takes care of themselves and wants to offer caring to one another. It can be so simple and joy filled. The joy was missing here. I called a friend to check in what was going on in the bigger picture as to why I was there. I delighted in time with the calligraphy master, he had a sense of humor that was fun. But the other part of the time, was not of interest to me. In fact, I wanted to bolt. She saw the calligraphy master standing in front of me, representing the masculine. He was offering me acknowledgment of the role I had played carrying the divine feminine in many of these places of old. This was when the feminine was rejected. He came to ask forgiveness of me. I granted it and he then wrote with golden ink on my forehead. The old signs were being turned into the Christ codes which are flooding the planet. He wrote them on my forehead, my throat chakra, my heart. I felt the golden light and thanked him for this gift. As I wrote with my brush the remainder of the weekend, I felt a lightness, a joy. I was anchoring in the Christ codes through the symbols. I closed my eyes and allowed my brush to make whatever symbols came through it. Afterwards, one woman who was not seated at my table, came up to me and thanked me for my joy. She said, “You looked so joyful and I was feeling so frustrated. Thank you for helping me.” I loved that acknowledgment of how our actions can have a bigger impact than we know. She saw my joy across the room and it helped her to find hers. I love how we can help one another by being true to ourselves!

I allowed myself to talk and connect with those who I felt a connection with.Met a beautiful woman from New Zealand who has here on holiday, traveling about in her car. Her story was amazing. Channeled AA Micheal to a young man who may end up in community with me. He had been seeking, left his job, took the leap of faith. His story of then being blessed with a big tax return and another source of money that he had not expected were affirming of how the universe will take care of us if we trust it to. I was gifted with two shooting stars when my bladder led me out of my tent in the wee hours of the night. I heard the coyotes and dogs howl. I am happier sleeping on the ground. Mother earth anchors me more deeply that way. I love our mother!

This is a painting from the first day, one that I am happy with. I call it Earth Flares. The bottom portion looked like the earth to me (I did not plan this) and the flares of energy coming off of her are a brilliant turquoise color. There are golden sparkles (I love golden sparkles!) and it is the energy of love and movement that I feel coming from our mother.