The Madonna and Christ child that always stood over my in-laws’ mantel. Mom bequeathed it to us, knowing my love of Mary.

The Solstice came and went and I did not depart. There was a death and a resurrection which I sense so many of us went through. The following day I felt wrung out, limp, enervated. I spent the day on the couch reading a tale of mages and dragons, warmed by the salamanders dancing in the wood stove. A myriad of feelings arose, I allowed them all their time on the center stage of my awareness. It was an interesting show; depression, exhaustion, joy, confusion, peace, chaos, sorrow…the line up was quite impressive. My body had no energy to move away, I was a captive audience. I clapped for each one’s performance, grateful for their authenticity and courage to step out and be fully seen. I went to bed with a blanket of peace about me.

My former hubby and I have taken turns in the kitchen, me in charge of cookies, he is the bread baker and soup maker. He cleaned up the yard debris, I cleaned the house. We noted the ease and grace we both felt, moving so lightly and joyfully through Christmas preparations without the old frenetic energy. We took breaks to sit in the sun and eat our snacks. We watched long loops of gossamer threads waft on the slight breeze to land on a chair, a plant, the grass. The sunlight showcased its shimmering. It looked to originate from the nearest tree, ten feet up. It continued to spread its luminescence in a swath of a dozen feet or more. Now it seemed it must come from a taller tree, set further back in the yard. We pondered if it was a giant spider weaving this massive carpet of sticky delight. Where did it come from? We decided that it did not matter, rather we could sit and enjoy the wonder of it without knowing any facts. Grace weaving a carpet at our feet.

The flowering of vegetables, a bouquet of emerald life freely given by our Mother Earth.

A friend called and we wove understanding between us, the warp and woof interacting to deepen our knowing. I so love the tapestry of understanding we weave! We were speaking of the Solstice and this new space we have landed in. We felt the hush, the Divine Mother with her finger to her lips, shhh. Quieting us, soothing us, wrapping us in her magical pink blanket of love. Oh, this is the meaning of Silent Night! The world holds its breath for a moment in awe and wonder as the Christ light enters each heart. We are each offered this gift. All who choose to unwrap it this Holy season, whatever their religious belief, will fall silent in its presence. The Christ light is our birthright. We are Christed beings come again to bring forth the memories of the Oneness of which we are all a part. We are invited in these last days of the year, to step out from under the dark cloak of despair and duality to don our radiant raiments of liquidlovelight.

I slip on this shimmering gown, to stand poised in the doorway of the new. The light is blinding and disorienting. I take deep breaths to feel my center. There is no knowing. I allow my monkey mind its chatter. It is muffled, quieted. My heart assures me that it will lead. My crown chakra wears a crown of dancing energy that feels like faeries’feet, lightly landing as they dance their joy. My feet send forth shoots of light into this dear earth in gratitude. I allow her answering to flow up to my heart, a shoot of emerald lovelight. We both smile. I open my being in the center of that faery ring on my crown, sending my liquidlovelight in a wild stream out to our sun and the Great Central Sun. Our love, a power hose with a reach that spans light years in an instant. In stillness, I await an answer and it comes in a shower of lovelight, golden in hue. I drink it in, an elixir that infills, nourishes.

Sitting with the lights in the predawn hours.

I know nothing of what lies beyond this doorway, this moment in time. I know only that it will be new. That I am done with the life of the wandering mystic. That chapter has closed. We have done our work well. We have pushed against hardship, we have suffered under the weight and density of the despair mankind has created and lived. We have cleared lands, connected grid lines, anchored light, used ourselves as acupuncture needles to bring our earth and ourselves back to health. We have fought our inner dragons, wrestled with ancient demons come to sup on our light. We have been victorious with the aid of our brothers and sisters from the stars and the inner earth. The heavenly hosts of angels have had our backs along with the ascended masters, the devas of the elemental kingdoms, the elements of the earth. All came to our aid to complete this Herculean task.

We have become so used to the struggle, that we are reluctant to lay down our swords, to shed our armor. It is now safe to do so. Lay it all down. Let the tears fall. The earth receives them in gratitude for a job well done. The Mother beckons with her sweet smile. I go to her, innocence returning with each step I take from the armor I have shed. Oh, as she lifts me into her lap of love and cradles me to her breast, sobs shudder through me. I did not know! I did not know! I AM the Christ child. I am her child of love. I am the Holy infant. I did not know this truth my cells are singing. I am loved! I am cherished!

I knew I was loved by Mother Mary, she has long been my mother, ever since my parents disowned me, almost forty years ago, she has been the mother I looked to in my life. But this! To look at the Christ child in her arms and see myself. I never imagined it would be. She smiles down at me, her tenderness a benediction, her words soundlessly land in my heart.

“My dear child, I am so pleased that you have opened your gift! I can see that it pleases you. Yes, you are my holy child. You carry the Christ light. There is a halo about your head. This which is now known, may never be taken from you. It is offered to each of my children this Holy season of love. May all unwrap their gifts. A mother’s heart knows only joy in the giving. May each of my children open their hearts to receive. I love and cherish each heart as my own.”

Yeshua, my brother comes now to hold my hand as Mary rocks me. His smile is so radiant and his words stream in:

“Dear sister, you now know the truth of who you are. We are siblings bathed in our Father’s/Mother’s love. The time is ripe for this awakening. It is time for each to know their own beauty. It is the time I foretold, when you will do greater works than I, in my life as Jesus/Yeshua. You have accepted the Christ light with all its wonders and responsibility. As I told you, my burden is light. Wear your light with lightness, spread the joy of your being. The Golden Age of Peace has dawned. Welcome Home. my little sister. Welcome Home.”

I rest in this, I rest in this. Glory to God, peace and goodwill to all men. Hallelujah, hallelujah!

Today I felt a lightening, energies lifting. I started to enjoy this new space of knowing nothing. The Solstice approaches, days shortening and I am intrigued with what departing may mean. Is it a metaphor? Are we departing from all knowns? Dropping any identity that we wrapped around ourselves, leaving behind any idea of how life should or could look? I am ready to leap into the mist, no longer caring if  I land or float or am to be pummeled by the waves. Only known is that I am tired of this script of survival and suffering and weightiness.

I was thinking of a toddler having a tantrum, the frustration of the small body and its limits, the parental authority figure with its demands, the passion of the desire driving the outburst. I share the frustration of that toddler. I strain against this body suit that feels too heavy and awkward. I have outgrown this way of being, no longer feeling the passion to engage in the old ways.

I want to weave lovelight, create beauty in new dimensional arenas, travel with a thought to a loved one, drink starlight and dance with the faeries. I have outgrown the chunky crayons of my childhood, I want new art supplies to play with.

As I was walking out to the spa to soak my sore back, I heard: ” You are about to experience radiant health like you have never known.” Well, ok, I will accept it with a grateful heart! I am ready to feel that aliveness in my body. I knew it to be true, yet have no understanding of what that looks like but feeling it in my cells.

We are holding all of it, the polarities and finding our way through it. This and that, wanting to be here and not wanting to be here. Loving soaking up dear ones and happy to step away. Detachment and immersion. All a wild mix. No longer following any rules about how to be, allowing the naughty and nice to be what they are.

Feeling the magic that is a possibility this Christmas season, dropping in for the ride. My heart open to the highest expression and pathway that serves my essence and yours. My candle is lit, I lie here by the flames and know myself blessed.

Homemade deodorant with a label by my elder son. One of the fun evenings we all spent coloring and creating.

A week ago, as I prepared to leave Mount Shasta, my back spasmed. My body indicated that I was to still make the four hour drive, despite the discomfort. I am amazed at how all my bodies work together to create a perfect storm that allows the releasing of so much. This week found my physical body challenged with back pain that has drained me of strength. My emotions have been watery as tears sprang up at the slightest touch. My spiritual body has felt disconnected from the deep peace I had been residing in. My mental body has not known where to turn as it has found no identity or base to hold to. All building on one another to leave me vulnerable and open.

My daughter is like this tree, golden in her radiance.

The feelings have been raw. Old patterns and energies emerging with my former hubby as I returned to the family home, to welcome our daughter back for a week’s visit. We have done this dance many times before and had established some grace in navigating these waters. Yet, it was as if we took two steps back for every one forward. Feelings, so many I thought long gone and done with, arose. It has been a bit like witnessing two children arguing, words used like sticks to hurt. Everything felt personal as I found my lip quivering and tears spilling. Witnessing departed as I was right there engaged on this battleground. Anger arose on both our parts. I felt the old pattern of wanting to get up and run from the pain. Yikes! How could I be in this space?! The judgment arising as I saw myself acting out. The resolve to do better  shattered within hours, moments.

Transparency is here. All our feelings coming out of the shadowlands to be felt. On the world stage, we are seeing horrific dealings coming to light and on the personal level, our masks are off and we stand naked in all that we are. A friend was telling me about a workshop on peace that she was attending. They were discussing feelings and did an exercise where they drew cards about their feelings on a topic. She said we tend to think in terms of having one feeling about something….I feel joy, I feel sad. Yet, she was amazed to discover that it was more like six or seven different feelings present in one experience. I can attest to this! My dear former hubby and I could finally laugh as we relayed the oft times, contradictory feelings we were having. A mixed bag that did not add up and yet there they were. We were feeling all of these things and there was no hiding them. Grace did enter then as we felt around until we found our common ground of love to stand upon. We allowed ourselves to feel what we felt and lifted off the judgment of right or wrong, good or bad. We choose to not view it as backward steps, rather as showing up authentically in the now. The heaviness lifted as we allowed space for all our feelings. Simply the acknowledging of them, allowed kindness to naturally arise between us. We were both giving it our best and remembering and stating this provided some space to breathe.

Jars labeled and ready for packing.

Our daughter expressed her gratitude for our efforts that allowed her to visit us both in one place and have home about her. The three of us have shared cooking, conversation, movies and books. There has been the making of a Christmas tree star with her dad in the wood shop, for her first tree with her partner. There has been cookie and craft making with me, homemade gifts she will take back to Montreal to share with new family and friends. Yesterday we all worked together to create a birthday dinner for her with many family members showing up to share the evening. It has been a time full and rich with living. We are all grateful for it, despite the bumps.

Sometimes the sun of understanding eludes us and we have to find a way to be in the half light.

I have not recognized myself in many of these moments. It was like playing out a part that I had outgrown. The shocking thing was how convincing I was! I managed to convince myself for moments that that was who I was. Coming back to center has been aided by taking some moments to myself throughout the day. In my desire to soak up this time with my daughter, I let my relationship with myself slide. I need the stillness and quiet like I need food and water. I felt such tenderness for the being I was in my marriage, giving all to the family without any care given to myself. A recipe for disaster. In this mini review of those times, I can easily forgive and love myself for who I was. We are incredible beings, capable of so much love for others. How glad I am to have come to the place of being able to give the full force of my love to myself. That is the game changer and what we desire for each other. To fall madly and passionately in love with the whole jumble of the being that we are. To know ourselves as love even when we are acting otherwise. To see our beauty through the illusion that we cloak ourselves in. To know the truth of our hearts that trumps all. We are beings made to love as that is what we come from. Love is the creative force that allows this world to be. It may be shown in many guises but we are beginning to see that it is all love. We have traveled far to get here, to this understanding. We know it now and in that knowing, we are changing the world. Hallejulah!

Mount Shasta came out one morning in her white cloak to be admired.

Third day of intense head pressure. Trusting that ease is found in this day. I have been kept to the moments. Yesterday I went to look at a couple of small condos on the other side of Mount Shasta. A totally different view. More masculine than this side with the heart carved in her slope. It is high desert country there, expansive, elements harsher, the lake almost gone with the lack of rain. Yet, all changes as it has been raining since I arrived, moisture swelling the buds and infilling the dry creek beds. What a gift. I felt the balance of Mount Shasta more fully, the masculine and feminine integrated in her being as well as my own.

Later…fourth day and I was able to move. My head was clearer, the pressure released, my gratitude immense! I took a walk as the rain had stopped. A friend and I were dazzled by the light dancing on the water in a diamond pattern that sent up golden, magenta, and blue rays of light. A tree, shedding its leaves, the sun turned its spotlight on, turning it to liquid gold. We passed a tree growing a magnificent fungus that looked like a huge clamshell, a seat for a faerie queen. As we sat by Lake Siskiyou’s edge, my friend said, “Look up!” Two eagles flew low above our heads, wing to wing. They seemed to fly in slow motion as we felt them glide over us. We looked at one another with awe and a deep appreciative sigh. We knew ourselves blessed.

The faerie queen’s throne

Waters flowing in the creek outside my window, pine and cedar smells drifting in with the sound of rain falling. It has been a day of magical moments. I ran into a friend I wanted to see on the path in the woods. Tonight, three of us pooled our food and made a yummy dinner. We had a special bottle of organic wine to celebrate this day where we all felt a shift in the energies, a lightening. We lit candles and strung up Christmas lights. We sat in front of a blazing fire in silence, our spirits full.

Wild!

Being present in each moment, savoring its gifts, whether of head pressure or eagles majestic flight. I am grateful to be alive on this blue jewel of Earth.

Last night and today I have felt weighted down, pressure like dense gravity, pressing me flat. I could only get up to hydrate and eliminate. I saw myself spinning deep under Mount Shasta, taken down a shaft that led to the core of the earth. A council of nine of which I was one, convening. We created a chalice through which a waterfall of lovelight cascaded. My cells expanded anew as the knowing flowed that the greater my capacity to expand, the greater the light that could be anchored. My future self flowed in strongly, reassuring my cells that they were up to the task as she knew of its success. I felt the sigh and release into that knowing which allowed a greater opening.

I was gifted with a day of solitude as this was occurring. I made a fire and it burned bright all day with little tending. Its flame a comfort to mine. A quote from one of my favorite books echoed in my mind:

” Walk with me through death’s door

And realize the dream of your deeper being

Is what you have been dying for.”          

                                                                   From The Flaming Serpent by Aine Armour

I felt how we are called to release all attachments to people, places, things. My deepest desires, that have been held close to my heart, have loosened and flown free. I have surrendered all. There is a faint afterglow where they once burned so bright. That space offered to be filled anew. I hear, this your last act of service to the earth and humanity. It asks all. Lifetimes of preparation for these moments of expansion and melding into a crystal chalice of living light. All nine, fully present, moving in a pattern of harmony written ages ago in the language of stars.

Anchored, it will perculate until it finds its way to the surface, available for the Solstice’s magik to infuse feet and hands and hearts. An elixir of love, offered to all. Drink of it and see your own starlight glow. The Christ light entering in, heart by heart until the truth of Christmas will be felt at last. Christ consciousness alive, walking on the earth in your heart and mine. Knowing all as brother and sister as heartlights shine their beams of love.

I know nothing of how these days will unfold. Coming back from the earth’ s core, I felt the pressure as if I had dived to the depths and was required to move in stages so as to not suffer damage to my body in the ascent. Spent I lie here listening to the rain upon the roof. Lifeblood to this land of drought. The cascade of lovelight we have just anchored, hydration for the hearts parched for love. The Creator has heard the cries, felt the waves of sorrow and looked upon the masses bereft. The response pours in.

Swirling matter as we move through form.

Grateful am I for the knowing that the earth’s shift is assured. The doorway open, the light spilling forth, illuminating the path. I see the footprints glowing from those who have prepared the way. Mine match theirs as I stand upon the threshold and gaze back. Heart overcome with love for the beauty of each one as they decide their path to follow. There are many paths that converge at this doorway. Some are long winding roads, others short and straight. Wide paths where one may walk with one’s fellows, others so narrow they must be walked alone. Guardians at their posts assure all must cross the threshold on their own. No baggage may be carried, no attachments brought along. Every garment stripped, hearts bared to this lovelight.

I have realized the dream of my deeper being and know in this moment, that it has been worth dying for.

Japanese maple’s flame feeding my heart.

An old pattern came up, a pocket of unconsciousness seeking release. I was with a person from long ago and I engaged in gossiping, speaking in a judgmental way about another’s actions. It was interesting as I knew the positive role those actions held in the higher spheres. Yet I was engaged in giving it all a negative slant. I felt regret, shame settle in. I called in the violet flame to transmute my words. I tried to contact and left a voice message with the one I had conversed with, to tell a different story. It was a shadow that lingered for part of the day. I knew it was my choice, how long I lingered there, that part of me was seeking my love. A feeling of the Catholic penance was present as I felt the reluctance to free myself from the judgment in that shadowland. I felt the lifetimes that I had lived under that weight, the cross heavy on my back.

As I lay down for a nap, I called in the higher self of the one I had judged. I called in my higher self to make it right. I held us both in love’s flames. My heart experienced a shattering as the love between us exploded. I felt our many lifetimes together pass in a swirl of sensations. We had played every role with one another, our bond was deep and true. It was all understood, the love that was true. No words, simply strands of heartlight weaving in joy. I felt only gratitude for all.

I sent him an email expressing that love, knowing he might not be able to receive it on this level, assured that he had already felt it within his heart. Yet the outer expression is important as we each speak our truth, it plants seeds for the new way of being. We will be able to openly love everyone, without fear or reservation.

We are beings of love. If we act unloving in a moment, it does not negate our loving nature. That was a lie taught to us, to keep us ever contained in a cycle of shame and smallness. As we are able to bring consciousness to more and more of our moments, we shed light on any pockets of unconsciousness. All desires that light. All wants to be seen as the love that is. Such freedom wafting in the air as more of this world is seen in its true light.

Pink skywriting

Our intention is so powerful. My intention is to be a flame of love. To recover all parts of myself that have lived without that heartlight. To see my ups and downs through a lens of love, knowing the whole is far greater than the aspects that I play out on this stage. This has been the mighty work of this age to return all to love. As I live in these moments, I know that it is done. We have been successful. The earth will never again dwell in the dark night. We are living it and we are viewing its success.