Monthly Archives: November 2022

Always Learning

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Snow folks that my granddaughter and her mom made on the back steps.

Snow folks that my granddaughter and her mom made on the back steps.

There had been a disagreement brewing with one dear to me. My heart was sore with the feelings of anger and resentment. I ended a call quickly, not sure how to continue. How to maintain a boundary and yet be the love? I breathed in and felt a loosening. I expanded it and allowed the love that is true to flow through me. I wanted an apology, an acknowledgement of wrong doing. It was not to come. How to sit with that? All of this was mine to do. I could continue to feel the emotions like a weight on my shoulders or ? Again, the knowing that this was mine to do. It was not dependent on the actions of another. I realized that it is not my  job to ensure that someone “gets it”. I am not responsible for the way that others walk this life. I do not have to teach them a lesson. I do not have to make them understand. I am responsible for myself and how I walk my love in this world. Amazing to think that I know what is best for anyone. How long have I carried this sense of responsibility? Too long. It is time to let it go.

I had a choice. I sat and allowed the lovelight to infill that area of pain. It slowly began to warm that part of my heart with its glow. Deep sigh. I picked up the phone and made the call expressing only love. There remains differing views of the situations. It matters not. I can choose my boundaries, choose what feels lighter, express my truth and then let it go.

Later, a dear friend called and expressed that she had struggled with the same emotions that morning. We were able to laugh and feel the lightness as we moved through the heavyheartedness. We acknowledged that we are getting better at this. We feel it all and let it be present until it washes away like a wave.

fullsizeoutput_4f2aIn the afternoon, a wave of loneliness came over me. I took myself out for a walk, intending to go to a nearby woods. I saw that the trails were closed due to deer hunting season. Ah….I had forgotten that. My bright orange vest was back home, it is an essential part of the wardrobe during hunting season to make sure that you are seen. I ended up on a different walk about the common, taking in the views. The sky was alive with patterned clouds as it decided whether to drop snow or rain.

I love the sweet face that he made on this little being.

I love the sweet face that he made on this little being.

I went home and cleaned out my pantry, finally putting away groceries that had been sitting there awaiting space. I emptied my cupboards and ended up with a box of give away dishes and implements. It felt good, clearing in the physical can often clear our heads. I then settled into making more fairy wands to sell at my first craft fair this coming weekend. I imagined the children dancing with them and laughing. My grandson made two and zoomed around flying them up and down. He is so creative, I love seeing what he comes up with. I am grateful for the time with my two little ones. They keep me laughing and experiencing joy. May we all have that child inside, lit up. Cherish yourself as we cherish one another.

 

The Darkness Deepens As the Season Changes

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A recent trip to Buffalo, New York brought me new sights and wonders.

A recent trip to Buffalo, New York brought me new sights and wonders.

As we head towards the Winter Solstice here in the north, my body is shivering as the temperatures drop and darkness descends just after four p.m. There is a slight panic as the cold air flows in, the nights drop below freezing and I am greeted with frosty mornings. I have upgraded to plastic covered window inserts to stop the frost from forming inside my place. I am ordering battery operated candles to create a “hearth”. I miss having a wood stove to watch the flames dancing but am grateful for my heater that keeps me comfortable. I am adding more twinkle lights and look forward to getting my Christmas tree in a couple of weeks and stringing multicolored lights. I picked out my tree as I hiked around our family property the other day. My grandson loves marking and creating trails with his grandfather. He and I looked for, found and marked our Christmas trees. Best to do this before the snow falls so we get a good look at our choices. There are hundreds to choose from so it takes time. We mark our favorites and then go back and feel into the one that wants to come home with us, thanking all of them for their willingness to cut short their outdoor life to blaze light indoors and warm our hearts.

A last blaze of color as autumn exits.

A last blaze of color as autumn exits.

There is a huge hickory tree on the top of the hill of the property. We recently had a sad event in our family and needed a place to bury this sadness in a ceremonial way. I saw the tree in my mind’s eye. It told me that it would and could hold “all the sadness and joy of the family”. Its message brought tears to my eyes. We will include a candle lit procession to it on the Solstice, to sing our love and joy with it. All of nature is desirous of being part of our journey. It supports us and thrives on our attention, just as we thrive on attention. It is so easy to send the plant and animal kingdom, the fairy and deva realms, our love. I forget this at times. The hemlock came in to remind me that I can turn to these nature spirits for support. How wondrous this is!

The energies of this time, find me depleted by mid-afternoon. I feel that every particle of my being has been used up. Often my day begins at three or four a.m. so as the darkness descends so early by the clock, my body reads it as night time and is ready for sleep. I am grateful for how I show up each day. I thank my body for doing its part as it has felt exhausting to simply be in these energetic streams. The top of my head was sore to the touch for a few days as I could feel the energy pouring through like a waterfall. Now, I sense a bit of a breather.

One of my daily hearts that occur in random ways. This was a hair on the tub, reminding me how I am loved and cherished.

One of my daily hearts that occur in random ways. This was a hair on the tub, reminding me how I am loved and cherished.

The future is misty and I cannot make plans. I feel the call to deepen into this darkness and rest. I am savoring the family connections and letting go of what is not here. I know this is where I am to be for now. Spring holds movement and energy. I see a mass migration as we will feel a pull to our place on the earth. The place where our body and hearts dance in resonance with our Mother Earth. The time of being lone sentinels will come to an end and we will begin to gather in our love pods with our tribe. Oh, I have held this vision for so long. What rejoicing there will be when we can live it.

For now, there is gratitude for what is. Acceptance for all that shows up. Taking it all in and knowing that every shade of darkness can be transformed into the lovelight that is true. A friend’s son is going through a heightened time with his mental illness symptoms. I know his soul from lifetimes as llamas in the Himalayan mountains. I have felt drawn to dropping in a few times a day to sit with him in the core of the mountain. We are both in our burnt orange robes, sitting before a fire. We tend it with our hearts. Its effects flow out to the world. I know that I am there all the time, sending liquid lovelight. I am pulled there throughout the day, for moments, to consciously sit with him and know him as the wondrous being that he is. These times are a challenge for us all, but especially for those with mental illness. They are the sensitives who feel it all so profoundly. May all beings be supported and loved as we move to embodying our highest aspects here on earth.