From the time that I was a little girl, I saw my life spiral out in front of me like chapters in a book. Lately, I feel a new chapter opening. Maidenhood and motherhood behind the crone calling me forth. I am the grandmother to three angels, a role that I cherish and accept responsibility for. It is a source of joy to me. Yet there is more.
These past few weeks, I have felt aspects of my relationships with my adult children and former husband come to the fore. The old patterns felt confining and exhausting. I spoke my fatigue to each one as I recognized that it was time for me to shift my overgiving energy. My children responded well, for the most part, understanding and cheering me on as I claim more of me, for me. Former husband, not so much but that informed me as to the firmer boundary that I needed to reinforce and maintain.
It is difficult to embrace and enjoy aspects of another and at the same time maintain a firm boundary around aspects that are draining to me. There is that muddy area to traverse, as to how much room to allow the relationship in my life. Our frequencies are moving further apart and my job is to allow it to naturally fall where it will without my propping it up. I know that role of cheerleader well. It is time to put down the pompoms and let myself and each one find their own way. Always the love but from a wider viewpoint.
Nature shows us the divine design.
The crone is calling me from the personal into the wider more impersonal sphere. I recall a feminine deity coming to me, showing me her sword. She said, “Love is truth and truth can be fierce!” She guided me to a more compassionate place, showing me how sympathy was a lesser vibration as it was not seeing the soul as whole and capable. Compassion was a frequency of love that could feel with another without taking it on, without seeing the other as needing fixing or help. It was being present with another from a neutral space yet one full of love.
At first, I was surprised at how I felt. A shaming energy emerged that said that I no longer cared for others. This had been part of what I experienced in the past when I set boundaries with ones who wanted me to rescue them time and time again. This feminine deity showed me that the shame was to keep me in that space, to take me from the truth of love.
How did the universe create this heart on a piece of soap? Magic
This new stage is very present now as I feel a restlessness that heralds change ahead. I want to move, to create, to connect. Yet, my body feels exhausted. The thought of packing a bag, getting on a plane, searching for camping or hotel accommodations weighs me down before I even begin. A sea of aloneness surrounds me. All signs pointing to an ending and a new beginning. I sense that I am to move out of my hermit/ family stage and into the wider world. I can feel the swirls of energy and colors vibrating out ahead. It is a this AND that kind of time. Hot and cold, wired and tired, simultaneously.
The old ways of moving will not work which is likely why my body resists dealing with the restlessness in the old way. The new is not online yet. I can feel the void, the emptiness of the space. No familiar landmarks to guide one, no ancestors to lead me on, no inner promptings. There is only silence.
I have dreamt of this. A blank canvas to weave light upon, to create in ways I do not yet know. Wanting a life beyond what I can imagine. My imagination is limited by what I have lived and read and observed. I am eager for this unknown though my legs feel as wobbly as a toddler’s first steps.
Playing with my two year old granddaughter yesterday, she gave me a clue. She said that she was the wife and needed to take a walk alone. She had her flashlight to illuminate her path and she hummed as she walked. I was the husband and my job was to stay put as she explored. She could travel out humming the new into life but be assured of my presence as she returned. For now, I take her advice and stay in the present as the new lovelights explore out ahead.