One of the pleasures of summer is a daily swim at one of the local lakes. I was at one yesterday and an acquaintance came by and we swam together. We were chatting away in the water when we noticed a loon quite close. I am always surprised by how big they are and the way they dive underwater and can stay down so long. You see them dive then minutes later, watch them pop up in a place quite a distance away from where they dove. This loon was maybe ten feet in front of us and it began to lift itself out of the water and flap its wings wildly. Another loon popped up a couple of feet from the first one and joined in the dance. It was truly magical. My friend and I were silenced by the beauty of what we were witnessing. Two loons dancing on the water……they left us giggling as we shared in their joy.

Not much sleep last night…part of this life. Our sun is gifting us with amazing energies for our evolution……this is truth for me. Yet the sleeplessness, the fatigue, the heaviness of the energies can be debilitating. My natural enthusiasm takes a nosedive. I can feel lost, an acute aloneness that is not alleviated by the dear family that surrounds me. I feel the desire to desire to create. The energy darts to and fro….a wave lifts me and suddenly a pair of pants is hemmed. Then I am dropped in the trough and can only lie on my couch with a fan and listen to a book on tape to take me away. Even reading can be challenging as my eyes feel blurry and strained. At times, I am immobolized by the quick shifts in energy….a dozen ideas of what next surface, only to leave me idling at a standstill. Motor running but going nowhere.

Usually that is a sign of fatigue. There is not enough energy to propel me forward. There are lovely places to go in this state of Vermont. I have visited very little of it. The past few years have been family focused. Now I am desiring someone to play with and go on adventures with. Someone who will do the planning and driving! I find myself copying out descriptions of pretty spots that I would like to visit. Facebook does provide the visuals of so many beautiful places on the earth. So, I am an armchair or couch traveler. Feeling the desire to experience more beauty but no energy to move myself there.

My clothes are hung on the line, the leaves on the sycamore trees that anchor the backyard are quivering in the gentle breeze. It is hot already. Soon, I will get myself into my bathing suit and drive to the nearest lake for a swim. The thought of the cool water and the way it holds me, is a lure that usually pulls me out of my space and into my car. Fortunately the drive is only five or ten minutes, depending on which lake I choose. So doable.

Yesterday evening as a friend and I were leaving our writing group gathering, we pulled over and got out to take in this view. It was a spectacular moment, much like the loons dancing. The rays were streaming down across such a wide swath of land, we felt immersed in a heavenly light.

There it is, days of bringing heaven to earth. We live the magic and the mundane and infuse it all with love. Even if my heart feels lost, I know that I am still transmitting a beacon of lovelight into the world.

This poppy found its way to bloom at the bottom of my steps. A bit of dirt in the concrete and it took the opportunity to shine.

Once again, a humbling experience as my elder son pointed out the way I commented about my youngest son’s life, when no input was sought. I have done it with all of my adult children. An unconscious habit that I had thought I had conquered. Ah…another look at this behavior. I had to sit with it for a bit, shed a few tears and breathe deeply. I traced it back to fear…..a fear that something would happen so my words were thrown out as a protective barrier in hope of that they would shield them from any harm or discomfort. A fallacy for sure.

There are experiences that I have garnered over my almost seven decades. This conversation was a reminder that they are my experiences and lessons, not those of my offspring. They will learn and grow in wisdom and strength, as each generation does.

My life has space in it, I no longer run a household or have garden projects or house projects to do. I no longer am in charge of forty teachers and myriad students. I am only in charge of myself. Yet, after all these years, almost two decades on my own, those patterns of control and organization still find open pathways for my thoughts to run upon. They are part of my skill set that is no longer needed in my  life. I can access them if needed but must allow them to fade for the present.

Sewing again, this linen tablecloth brings a sense of calm and beauty to my small space.

My artist self has been waking up. I have been gathering images, textiles, words……finding bits of beauty that feed my soul. My palms are tingling with the desire to create. I pulled out my old scrapbooks from the year that I took ceramic classes. I looked back at photos of my very first painting as I was looking to find myself in the aftermath of my marriage’s demise. Making art helped me to heal. Moving my body was part of it also. After months (though who can tell time anymore, could have been weeks?) of a stagnant feeling of sluggishness, my body is wanting more movement. I am back to doing strength exercises and short you tube videos for my back. Swimming most days feels so enlivening! I am cooking again, using recipes to discover new tastes that excite my senses. It feels good to be more alive in my being. My cells are spinning more rapidly, there is this hum that I can move with.

Another difference that I am noting, is that I can read books with more difficult subjects after a period of light romances and happy endings. The librarian and I were both noticing a change in our reading habits. I am volunteering for a few things in the community, finding I can stick to a commitment and have energy to follow through. I can have a morning with the grandkids and still have energy to do something else in my day. It is an expansive feeling, one full of hope for a future in which our bodies are regenerated and our spirits recharged with delight and joy. Where ease and grace are the way of life and all are free from the heaviness of the past.

One of my son’s paintings that allows me a vista as I lie in bed.

This is my record keeping of these inner changes that express through my body and heart. I see us looking back and marveling at all that we came through. It helps to let go of the old patterns that served to keep us safe. The new is so much freer and open. My heart is free to stand unguarded as I drink the renewal elixirs in each moment. They were always there but I could not reach them. Now, I know it in my bones…..I am safe. All is well. We are creating heaven on earth. Breath by breath, moment by moment. I can let go and trust. Trust that my children and grandchildren are guided by their own inner light, by their own soul paths. All of us, walking this life as best we can.

It is ok to be spent at the end of the day. May I spend my heartlight to the full each day, knowing that the well is deep and eternal.

We know that all life flourishes with appreciation and attention. I know this as an educator and a mother. Beat the drum of the positive, find the good in everyone. Yet, I found myself once again beating the drum of the negative about my daughter’s former husband. He is the father of my grandchild and his decisions for my grandchild and towards my daughter, are at times, hard to take. They seem rooted in unkindness and I react in anger. This is a valid reaction. Though beyond this initial reaction I can feel the wounding that acts to control others, to put others down. I want to allow myself the reaction internally by writing it out or moving it through my body but not spreading it around to others. It does not help anyone. It does not ennoble anyone, rather it diminishes me.

This is being played out in our world for all to see. Folks are so passionate about the ills of the world, rather than the beauty that abounds. I want to live in a peaceful world of unity and harmony. I have to find that within myself otherwise I am adding a note to the discord of the world. How often are you part of a conversation about our dreams for this beautiful earth? How often do you hear folks on a beauty rant rather than a complaining rant about the ills of the world? We need to turn this around.

The barn behind the store is collapsing, as this rainbow lights up the sky.

The election here in the USA is one such source of huge anger and complaints. None of the candidates will save this country. None are pure evil nor pure good. The system of government was hijacked ages ago to serve an agenda that is not for the people’s highest good. It would seem that we are powerless to change any of it. Yet, we can shift our focus to the society that we want to inhabit. We can dream it into being. We are more powerful with our love and attention than we have been taught. We are creators and together we can create a new world.

I know this. And yet, I fell once again into the trap of complaining about someone. Focusing on the negative rather than staying neutral and sending love for whatever healing that person needs. I make a practice of sending love to Donald Trump and other world leaders. Mr. Trump has endured more hatred than any man in recent history. Who could handle that on a day to day, year to year basis? I could not! He is a huge soul to play the role that he has. He has been a lightening rod for polarity, showcasing the divide that is fostered amongst us to keep us small.  We are taught to judge others as good or bad by who they choose to support in this election. Clearly this is more of an agenda to divide us rather that unite us as one people. I choose to envelop Donald Trump and his family in a cocoon of lovelight as I can feel the weight that they all carry.

We live in a world where truths are being shown to have been lies and lies are now being shown to have been truth. Discernment is critical and difficult to achieve. I find myself moving back into a more neutral space to observe it all playing out. I know that I came to add love to this world. To meet hatred with more hatred, anger with more anger, solves nothing. It simply continues the strife.

Corn planted in three successions to extend the season. We are building our strength in successive plantings to be the love that we are.

Today, I resolve to feel all that comes my way, deeply and completely. It amazes me how when I do this, at the bottom of the well of emotion, I find a reservoir of peace. I do not want to be a complainer. I want to be an uplifter. I want to see the light in everyone’s heart and fan that flame with attention, acknowledging the God spark that we all carry. I had to forgive myself once again for falling short of the mark and resolve to do better. We know that we feel better when we are in appreciation than when we are complaining. The world offers us opportunities for both. It is our choice where we focus our attention, our lovelight.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my grandson returns home to his mom today after his time with his dad. I am letting that joy permeate my being this day.