Butterflies were mating all around me on my walk.

These days, these wild and wonderful days. Yesterday I sweated as I worked in the garden in 90 degree heat. This morning the wind is whipping all into a frenzy, stirring up my allergies and the temperature has dropped about 30 degrees. Up and down and all around, this mirrors my emotional state. We swing high, we swing low. Pinging, I have felt like a ball in one of the old fashioned pinball machines.

Yet, there is a difference. Recently, the question of where I would be living arose once again. It is amazing to think that it has been a decade of me having no set place to call home. So, this question is not new territory, by any means.  Our minds bring up the questions, over and over until we can laugh at them and allow them to fade away. This one had not been on my radar for quite some time. Immediately it sent me into a space of vulnerability. I pointed and pinned my feelings on the one asking the question as to where I would be moving to next. He is the one currently, generously, offering me space, once again. As I sat with the feeling of vulnerability, I watched it move. I saw it attempt to anchor within me. There was no longer an anchor. There remained only the echo of that past feeling. Interesting! I was left with a feeling of gratitude to the dear heart who pinged my heart to show me how I have grown. I am safe within myself, I am home, always in my heart.

I backed into a mailbox on a rainy, foggy morning. This appeared in the dent to make me smile.

We are masters in form. Moment by moment, we are claiming more of our divinity. I sense more of me within my body. I am feeling stronger, more centered, more delighted with myself. I find myself singing love songs to me! I look in the mirror and giggle at the loveliness that is reflected back, whether I see my twelve year old self or ninety year old self reflected, I am beautiful. I am liking this! The pinging is so quick. We are able to come back to our truth in a blink and know ourselves as creator beings in form.

We are feeling the movement to the new world. This can bring the tears, the longing for community, for the love, for that frequency that we came here to anchor. As it gets closer to manifesting, there is a corresponding anguish in not living it as yet. I take my longing and the tears it brings at times, as a sign of how close we are to co-creating this new reality for ourselves. The love pods, so longed for in my heart. The vision that I have tended within the flame of my heart, so tenderly and steadily these many years. All is about to blossom. All is to come to fruition.

One bed mulched and one awaiting my attention.

I have been working in the garden of our family’s home. I have been battling nut grass, a weed that reproduces from nuts underground. It is tenacious and tough. As with everything, our intent creates. Nutgrass has become my spiritual work. With each nut unearthed and pulled from the garden, I am unearthing and removing all on this planet that works against love. I can work down a whole garden bed, turn around and see new ones sprouting, where none were. It is that quick and cunning. I laugh at it and tell it, “You cannot win. I am here. I will show up and remove you, day after day. I am not going anywhere. I am here, standing in my love (or rather squatting as I pull these weeds). I will prevail!”

Bucket of nut grass awaiting disposal.

We are prevailing as we allow love to flood our hearts. As we see beyond the outer expressions of fear and anxiety and poor behavior to the truth of love beneath. I feel such tenderness towards us all. What dear brave beings we are, to have come from our starry homes to light up this world. What courage and stamina it has taken. I bow to us all.

We are feeling our strength returning. I have had years of little outer movement as I followed the inner path of my heart. This year, I have been active in the world. I am showing up! For years, I could make no plans. I was not dependable as I chose to be ever ready to follow my inner work. I never knew when I would be called into the inner planes to work, only knowing that it was my highest calling and I would respond.

New growth on the old decay. I feel this way in my body.

Now, I am more fully present on this plane. I am grounded in a new way, literally working in the ground each day. I am showing up, meeting schedules and folks. It is a good feeling to be able to be present with others more fully. There are still times where I am called under and need to allow my body to rest while I journey on other planes. Yet now I am able to still maintain a presence here, more often than not. It feels liberating. We are being called back into the world so that these new frequencies can land in and anchor for all to access.

We shall tell stories of these days, as we traversed one age to birthing another. We will feel the privilege of being one of the folks here on earth at this pivotal time. I am savoring it all. My heart is on fire with the freedom flame that is alight. May it touch each of our hearts, allowing them to burst into bloom. The beauty, oh, the beauty of each one!

Butterflies were mating all along my walk. Fertile energies of new life in full view.

All through the night, I was awakened with short messages…pay attention, greater abilities, all now. It seemed that I was being shown all the lives that I am living now. Some were dull, I could feel the weary weight of them, some dramatic, full of passion and pain, some were pedestrian in nature. We are in the gathering times. Opening ourselves and integrating all that we have known in order to let it all go and enter the space of emptiness.

After my heart being hallowed out, that I spoke of in my last post, I have experienced spaciousness within. Less thoughts, more feeling. We are becoming in tune with one another in a new way. The veils of separation are dissolving. We are no longer confined to our separate selves. The internet has brought the world closer, opened the doors of our  hearts in compassion as we see images and hear the voices of those suffering around the world. Now it has moved into our cellular structure as our bodies become transmuters of this suffering. It is rising to the surface to be seen clearly so that we may dissolve it in the fiery flames of our hearts.

Someone left this carving to smile upon all who pass. The tree spirit reflected this joy.

For the past few days, I have been working with mental illness. I received a call from my youngest sibling, a dear heart who was lost to me for decades. She has suffered from mental illness, having sustained much abuse within the family. Our mother recently passed, which freed her on some levels to reclaim her life. She had reached out and contacted me which was a gift for my heart. The other day, she left me a heartrending message of despair as the voices in her head had returned. She wanted me to know that she loved me, not knowing if she would speak to me again. She had begun to build a new life for herself and once again, found herself hurled back into the darkness. Her words went into my veins like an icy transfusion. She has experienced so much suffering, as have so many.

Mental illness has been a heavy door closing so many in. May the door open and dissolve.

That night, my former hubby, (who has graciously offered me a home at present) and I were looking for something to watch. We saw the Beach Boys movie, decided that might be fun to hear their music. It turned out to be about Brian Wilson and his struggle with mental illness. At one point, he was imprisoned by a psychologist, whose help turned into absolute control. This mirrored what my sister had experienced at the hands of my mother and brother. He was finally freed by the love of a woman who became his second wife. She saw him truly and worked to help him recover his light. My sister had to work on her own to free herself from their control. She was successful, moving thousands of miles to return to our hometown to reconnect with her former life. She worked to get an apartment and work in the community only to have the voices show up once again.

The next day, I must have read a dozen references to mental illness. This is how it happens. Something comes to my awareness and then it is amplified so that I live it for a time, offering my heart’s flame to travel its pathways. At some point, I can feel it loosening and softening until I sense that it has been opened to the love light that is truth. I am then  freed from that world until the next thing comes into my awareness. It may take a day or a week or more that I am called to be present. There is no will in this, I simply allow it to move within me, trusting its timing and the process.

The lupines are glowing.

My sister wisely checked herself into a facility, for the assistance that she needs. My heart is sending her messages to say, hang on. Honoring her path, however she chooses to walk it. I cannot know the weight of the years of struggle that she has endured. I can only send her love light and let it do its job. I honor her courage, her ability to begin again and yet again. I do not know that I would have been able to do as much. What a courageous heart!

I am grateful for the life I have with its beauty and grace. I am grateful that from this space, I have the freedom to embody issues as they come to me. We are powerful creators. We can transform things from the inside out. Our hearts can melt the chains that bind, loosen the cords that restrain, offer hope and freedom to those oppressed. I cannot see the results of this work, I can only feel it in my heart. Each of us, has a gift. We are all called to do our part in one of the myriad ways that present themselves to us. Mine is an inner action, many take the outer action. I am so grateful for all of it.

Wildflowers offering their sweetness.

I feel a world free from mental illness. I feel these hearts, that have been so restrained, bursting free into the love light. I can sense the lifting of that heavy cloak that threatened to suffocate them. I feel this lifting of the weight of darkness and despair. How our hearts are crying out for this for all of humanity. How we desire freedom and peace and love for all on this planet.

The rain is pouring down outside as Northern California is awash in its wettest spring in decades. I feel it as the washing away of all the oppression bearing on humanity. I breathe in and appreciate the beauty and scent of the spring blossoms. May we turn the bitter into the sweet wine. It is time.

The beauty of the peonies has intoxicated me.

A week or two ago, my heart was challenged. Through one of my dear hearts, who wears the buddha flame, I was shown how I had held judgment about another close to my heart. He did not shine the light there yet I felt its shine. A cascade of shame came flowing in as I acknowledged to myself how I had walked that judgment in a harmful way with one I love. Whew…it was overwhelming at times to simply sit with it.

I had thought myself moving to neutrality and this started that loop of self judgment in play again. Oh my, how could I be here again? Haven’t I grown at all? Deep breaths, knowing that was not the way through but rather the old way rearing its head. We are so conditioned to beat ourselves up when we become aware of a misstep. I sat with those feelings yet did not own them as I once had.

Decided to feel the earth on my walk, found some mud puddles on the way.

Still it took a couple of days for me to come through the whole experience. I felt raw, my heart scrapped out like a gourd, tender. I felt the backwash energy as I vowed in my mind to have no opinions about anything again, to let go of anything that I thought I knew and to retreat. This passed until I found myself at a resting point. More able to hold neutrality in the face of news or opinions, not needing to align myself with one side or the other.

All in all, part of this growth cycle as we step back from this world in one way, and step forward into this world, in another. Seems contradictory yet feels true. I am more present than I have been in some years. I am appreciating the beauty around us on this earth. I am especially feeling such tenderness for each of us. I am grateful for how we all move in different ways, I feel the richness of this and my heart smiles.

Having left the white landscape of winter and returned to the soft opening of spring, I am cognizant of how we too, are subject to the laws of nature. Our bodies follow the cycles of birth, growth and decay in harmony with the all. Our spirits join in this dance as well. Our consciousness is in a constant flow of opening to the new, receiving, integrating, collapsing, and dying to the old.

We have subjected ourselves to programming that inserts form and structure in an attempt to hinder the natural flow of our beings. We have viewed life through a lens of past and future that limits that flow, chopping it into static pictures that dam the waters of our love light from their natural movement. We have attempted to set a pattern or pathway through the landscape of our hearts, keeping to what we have deemed safe and solid.

The old surrounded by the new, just as our new creations will overlay the old.

The planet, and all who wish to ride with her, is seeking a new path. She seeks a new space in the cosmic dance as her time to blossom has come. We have been taught that life is to be lived along a certain trajectory that if not followed, is cause for worry and concern. If your child does not go to college, then hit the workplace hard to step onto the ladder of success, then you are a failure as a parent. If you as an individual deviate from the prescribed pathway that the modern world of enslavement has deemed proper, you risk survival.

Yet, as we look at nature, we see the blossoming come in its season. Some plants pop their heads up at the first sign of spring’s warmth. Others wait for the heat of the summer sun, still others open in the brisk autumn air. We each have a timing within that flows free, if we allow it. Our society puts it all into boxes: four years for college, three days for grieving a loved one, two weeks vacation to justify fifty weeks of work, 9-5 workdays, retirement at sixty-five, age eighteen means you are an adult, and the list goes on. Thank goodness, much of this limitation has been changed and challenged in this internet age. Now to take the next step, and truly honor our own timing.

Spring blossoms brightening my spirit.

In honoring ourselves, we allow our spirits to grow and follow that inner pattern. We can push against the timing, berate our child or ourselves for not moving fast enough. That results in a layer of shame or guilt that obstructs the fluid movement. Who knows how long the cocoon is to be wrapped around one, until the butterfly can safely emerge to fly free? Just as we have taken from the earth by forcing high productivity from the soil year after year, we cannot force the spirit to produce balance and peace when we poke and prod and dig at it with artificial means. There is a time to lie fallow, there is a rotation of crops that feed the soil of the soul, there is a rhythm to be honored that knows how to bring forth the highest yield in a sustainable way.

San Francisco Art and Flowers exhibit. Feel that flow! Photo by Jeanette

For today, allow your heart to flow free. Allow it to love freely, without constraint. Honor your need for rest, for retreat, for engagement…..for whatever your spirit is leading you to. Trust your body’s wisdom as to what it needs. It is of the earth, it is our earth. It is the wisdom keeper and holds the seeds to our future. It knows how to nourish them, the timing of the breaking through the soil of our personality self, the time to blossom fully in the sun of our own beings. There is no manual, no reference guide that knows you like she does. Trust your seeds to blossom into the world in their perfect time. Trust that you have within, the gift to add to the creation of the new. Trust that all is well. Honor each one’s path, knowing its perfection like your own. Follow your heart’s lead and take action when inspired. Savor this walk out of the old programming into the flow of our true nature. All of the kingdoms on the earth, animal, plant, mineral and fey, are aligning with this stream of love light, flowing all home. Dust off your heart’s desire and allow it to fully blossom within as it will then create in this world of form. Our world is about to burst forth in colors unimagined just as the spring rains here in California have created massive swaths of wildflowers after years of drought. Let this energy of beauty sweep clean your heart and allow all to flow in a cascade of love light.

Ice breaking with its rawness.

Rawness, that feeling after a sunburn when every move feels painful. Your skin stretched and achy. The filters are off, life is more fully present. The heart has no filter, it all enters  and resounds, whether perceived as joy or despair, it flashes through with intensity. The mastery is in letting it flow through. Suffering comes when we try to stop the emotions by making a story about them or owning them as the truth of ourselves.

We will feel it. All of it. Things long buried within our cells, hidden in family lineages, covered up by our governments, distorted in our history books. All is coming to be seen and felt. We can choose to open to it, to allow the information to flow in and out. We can see the gift in all of this wonderful energy. It allows us to experience life in a front row seat rather than from the back of the auditorium. The love lights us up like never before as we feel it more fully. The despair can take you to your knees as it moves through. Let it. Let it all be. We are strong enough for this. We came for this time.

Trust is the byword. Trusting to self. Trusting to all aspects of ourselves. Trusting to the Creator and a benevolent universe. Trusting to the wondrous future we are creating for ourselves and our children and grandchildren and generations to come.

Mother Mary raising her arms over the port, blessing the sailors as they entered and departed. She stands on the oldest cathedral here in Montreal. I love the circle of stars above her head.

All part of being in the now. I realized how far I have moved into the now. Time is disappearing. We are being shown that we can expand or collapse it with our intentions. I am not a big planner as I am no longer able to look at life that way. I feel my way forward. I may feel an energy event, someplace or time where I am to “hit my mark”. I will be given the visual or sense of something…a meeting with someone or an action I am to take or a timeline that I am to align with or a place I am to be. I may have to get on a plane, drive somewhere, call someone. This extends to my family as I feel their future and can see the choice points in technicolor. I speak my truth about these points, which they have come to know me for. At times, they have reacted in anger to my knowing. Many times, they have then thanked me as they discovered more of themselves through aligning with their truth. As a mother, I have carried that immaculate concept for each of them and it carries a knowing of their truth.

As this reality we have come to know, collapses, we will be called to align more fully with our truth. To feel our way forward without the usual signposts. We will have to rely on our internal gps. Our hearts are losing their filters so as to be clear beacons, calling our highest future to us. It is so much more than we dreamed!

In this now, the seeds are present. We nurture them with love and attention. We love all that we no longer resonate with, all that has kept us playing small, by feeling all of our feelings fully. Letting sadness, despair, depression, loneliness have their say. Dancing out our anger, singing out our joy. Right now the birds are singing to the dawn of a new day. I feel my heart singing with them in gratitude. May your day be full of wonder.

A couple of gnomes I intended to copy and make. It did not happen but they remind me of Gimley, the gnome in Lord of The Rings.

On Christmas Day, I moved into a quiet space. My three adult children were celebrating the day in Vermont with their loves and our grand baby. My former hubby and I got together to chat with them and decided to pass on a dinner with family that was quite a drive away. We opted for ease and decided to start a Lord of The Rings fest. We grilled sausages and ate Christmas cookies as we watched the first video. This trilogy was the very last chapter book that we read together as a family. We completed it as the kids were entering high school and busy schedules. We went to the opening day of each movie as it came out. It holds a powerful spot in our family lore.

The next day followed with The Two Towers video which we briefly considered skipping as it has a lot of orc fighting scenes. These are definitely not the type of movies I watch, violence not being my thing at all. Yet we decided to use the fast forward button when we tired of the battle scenes but to not pass up the Ents part of the journey. The Ents were the tree beings who came to assist the fellowship in the battle with evil. It happened to be our 34th wedding anniversary which we toasted and celebrated despite having spent the last decade divorced. We had survived  the forms of marriage and divorce and now had a relationship free of form. We have come to a sense of peace and trust of one another. We felt gratitude for the family we created and how we are able to share in that joy. We have witnessed one another grow over the years and share so many memories. We knew ourselves blessed.

Reminded me of the Ents, the beings of the woods.

For three days, we came together for our videos and simple meals. It was a full on immersion that put me in a very dreamy space. I so felt the story in my being, the fight between good and evil, the heroic capacities of the characters revealed, the working together of the various kingdoms of the earth for the good of all. The stamina and strength forged in friendship and the unlikely hero who saves the day. The kingdom of men restored and an era of peace begun. How ready we are for this era and how we are poised at the same juncture in our now.

I retreated from the world to live in this dreamy space and when commitments of contact with others began, my body started to cough. A deep hot spot developed in my chest that kept me still. I am not one prone to illness. My body explained the coughing was clearing out lifetimes of grief. So much I was not aware of, yet that my cells still held. Emotions flowed through as I felt how I had been the caretaker in this life and not believed myself worthy of receiving that care. How so many of us have believed the lie that we were not lovable. I coughed out the suffering, the sorrow of ages past, for myself and the collective.

My daughter in love sent me this wreath she made. It brightened my cottage with holiday cheer.

For some weeks now, I had begun to feel the new energies flowing in. I was shown the pristine landscape awaiting our creator abilities. I could feel the enlivening energy flow through my body and knew that radiant health would become the norm. I felt such immense gratitude for my body as it emptied the old from each cell. Emptying to be infilled with this new love light. Making space for these expansive energies.

My former hubby brought a chicken, started a soup and left it simmering with its healing smell wafting about the place. Deep caring in the gesture that had not often been a part of our dynamic as a couple. Last night it was a brownie delivered to my door. We both felt the gift in his gestures of care and love and my receiving of it all.

So many of us have dreamt ourselves into this new year. We have completed “a big work” as a friend said. Our bodies need time to catch up. I depart in two days for the cold northeast. Montreal is where I am headed for the deepest part of the winter. Strange as it seems, I sense a renewal and invigoration awaiting me in the snow and cold. I am going to support my daughter and her husband and babe. My grandson and I have a piece to do together dealing with the plates of the East coast and allowing more light to stream into the solid granite structures. We will do it with sound, he makes wondrous ones, and play. Our expanded selves are in telepathic communication and have been since before he was born. He is sixteen months old so a perfect playmate for me. Full of curiosity about the workings of the world, ready to laugh and take delight in mastering new things. I feel right at that level. So many aspects of myself are taking up residence within this body and I am a babe, discovering what I can do and am now capable of.

The river flowing with grace, letting it all go.

Rest is still needed. I am trusting the packing will take place, the cottage set to rights,   necessary details will be attended to. Much that I planned will not. The mind can have its agenda but the body leads the way. I see myself floating onto the plane and know that my job is to show up. Stillness, then a wave of movement. The mastery is in trusting the timing  and the outcome. All is moving to offer more expansiveness for each of us. We are becoming one people, the kingdoms united in the desire for peace and unity. The hot coal in my chest has cooled, I am floating in the emptiness. There is peace in this space. There is freedom. A sense of wonder and love. I am so grateful to be here in this now with you all.

I love the darkness these days…..the early morning hours before the sun rises and the long evening hours after it sets. I have fairy lights and candles and firelight to keep me company. It may appear as if we are in the darkest of times. Yet, we are the light here to penetrate that darkness with our love. I wrap the darkness about me like a cloak as the candle flame infuses me with its steady warmth. We are heading towards the Solstice on December 21st, where we experience the longest night and our shortest day of the year. I have been cocooning in this darkness, banking my flame against this long night. In my inner hearth, the coals burn bright and sing a song of the light to come. Long have I awaited this time. Long have we dreamed the dream that 2017 will bring to the fore.

Leaves ready to let go and begin anew.

We are like the flowers. Our blossoms withered and gone, our foliage lying limp and dissolving upon the ground. Yet underground, our bulb is plumping up with nutrients, filling and swelling with its own inner light despite the damp, dark surroundings. I am that bulb, pulling light through my crown, deep into the earth with every breath. I can sense the newness, the aliveness, the strength of the beauty to come. For weeks my inner voice has asked if I was ready to walk my beauty into the world. It has taken all of me to answer this question. Yes. Yes, I am ready. Yes, it is time. Yes, 2017 will see the blossoming of beauty on an unprecedented scale. We are the flowers, we have come through the love planet of Venus, trailing stardust, violet flames, radiant love light. We have come to light up this earth and assist her to return to her true beauty.

All that is not our truth, all the weight of lifetimes mired in quicksand, all the pain and sorrow of old, is surfacing to ask for our love. And ultimately, for release back into the flame to be made new again in the love light. There are huge numbers departing, animals, people, plants, bees. Some are moving ahead into the new places we will inhabit…the bees are already there collecting sweetness that is so abundant. Some are departing for other realms and kingdoms. Some are seeking that flame of disintegration as the shortest path to becoming the love once again.

This nest has done its work, now it disintegrates to make way for the new.

My yearning for community, to live in my love pod in harmony and peace, is so heightened that I cry out at times. I recognize the signs when I am about to step into a new level of existence. There is the almost unbearable pain of being in the old, the waiting seems to go on forever and my soul cries out for freedom. The collective is at this stage, crying out for a new way of living on this earth. The ground must be prepared, the slate wiped clean in order for the new to be built. This is our challenge, to clear our hearts, to wipe away the old sorrows, to forgive every perceived transgression, to forgive ourselves. Peace comes within our hearts before it manifests in our worlds. As my world becomes a place of peace, and your heart becomes that peace filled dwelling….it spreads. There is no other who will do this for us. There is no book, program, supplement, diet, mantra, crystal that will get you there. There is only sitting with ourselves, releasing everything. Not only that which has caused us pain…..but everything that has brought us love. Releasing our attachment to anyone, anything, any place, any substance, any form. In the release, there arises the freedom, the spaciousness, the expansion where the new can be born.

Paths laid out before us, it is ours to choose the way of love.

The initiations on this path are innumerable. Always, there is another layer, another testing, another opportunity to choose love. To let go of beliefs, ideas of how or why or what. To drop into our own knowing that moves us beyond the field of trust. It is there, awaiting our presence. Presence….the gift that gives all. When we bring our presence to a situation, to another, to ourselves, our lives change. My presence is focused on this inner light which I tend with loving care and tenderness. I feed it beauty and song. I allow it to move me along. I resist nothing. I allow all to come forth, knowing it is all for me. All for my growth, all for my blossoming. I trust in the divine timing. The flower blossom knows not to bloom in freezing temperatures where it would die. It awaits the sunlight to unfurl its radiant form. I will know the moment to blossom, to reveal my beauty in all of its magnificence. I am being strengthened so that my form can hold the rose that I am. It takes the darkness, the long nights and short days to swell the bulb of beauty. There is the inner knowing of the cycles and the honoring of them. No more striving rather the allowing of the rest,of the deepening, of the infilling. All is on track. All is in perfect order. All is well underground.

Rotting log, gorgeous fungi emerges. Nature is always showing us the way.

May the deep days of this month of December, gift you with this nurturing. Rest and re create. We know not who we will be, what color our blossom, the shape of our petals, the scent we will wear. We do know that it will be dazzling, delicious and beyond our imagining. I can feel us in our love pods, wearing our garments of light. My spine straightens as this beauty swells at my root. I can feel my cells begin to dance at the thought of being free to be the love light streaming within my form. I begin to see this beauty peeking out at me from you and all forms. The birds are singing of it, the trees are swaying with it, the waters are dancing the new tune. All is in readiness. We will remember this new year as the time the old world collapsed and beauty was born anew.