Dreary rainy day yesterday. It was the 11-11 portal and I struggled. I did not even go outside which is rare for me. Yet, there are days when I am locked in place, unable to find the energy to move about. I had not slept much the night before. I ended up organizing and wrapping all my Christmas presents at 2a.m. It takes a lot of time! I had made many of the gifts, in my clay class and with sewing some of my linen stash into towels and napkins and tablecloths. I like to gift things that I have made by hand, to send that love from my heart to others. My living room was a mess of wrapping papers and lists and ribbons. It was a satisfying feeling to have most of it done. Now there are only a few things remaining to buy at a store order online. I like to shop local when I can, to buy from other artists or small shops. Shipping is becoming so expensive so the gifts to those far away must be light and small.

My daughter is expecting her baby at Christmas so I wanted to know that all the gifts were ready so I am available in whatever way she needs me. Babies can come early, her first was two weeks early, or late, my daughter-in-love’s first was two weeks late so best to be prepared ahead.

I was hungry all day despite no physical activity. I was hot and cold, throwing sweaters on and off. I was restless and fatigued. Up and down. I did not answer phone calls, drew into a cocoon of sorts. I laid on the couch and watched seasons of The Monarch of the Glen. A Scottish series set in the Highlands. The scenery soothed me, locks and misty hills, castles and small villages. Some part of me, drifted into that scenery and imagined it as my life.

I can recall when the 11-11 portal was a big event for me. I tuned in with others, felt the power of the gateway. Now, it is life, a day at a time, or rather, moment by moment. The old spiritual life, the visions and experiences are like tracks beneath my feet. All laid down as the path that I walk. Part of what came before and supports me in this life, but not separate from the day to day. I accept where I am, how I am feeling. I had been riding a high since the morning of the sixth of the month. I had awoken with a song in my heart that kept singing for days. Joy, joy, joy!

Yesterday, I could not hear the song. I played Ava Maria for an hour or two as I wrapped gifts. Most of the Christmas song playlists began to irritate me when a jazzy or pop one came on and its frequency hit me as a discordant note. Mostly, silence held me. My elder son was to stop by, wanted to share a meal. I prepared it and he was a no show. Finally, I texted him and he called to apologize. I felt irritated and expressed it. A few minutes later, we spoke again and let my irritation melt into the truth of love. He was struggling in his day and time got away from him. I understand that as it frequently happens to me.

This morning is overcast and drizzling with rain. Snow showers are expected. Yet, the song is back in my heart! Today I am traveling with my former husband to spend this day with our eldest grandson and my pregnant daughter. He will drive so I can relax and not concern myself with driving home in the dark and rain or snow. Joy is dancing in my heart! I have a box of fun crafts to do with my grandson, a wreath I made with grapevines and bittersweet for my daughter’s door, and some sewing supplies for a pillow my daughter wants help making. It has all the elements for a fun day.

High or low, all that we feel, takes us down the road. The viewpoint changes yet our inner being walks steady. May your day hold magic….whether it is up or down..there is magic available to us all.

The new earth is open to all who choose to turn on and live their hearts’ flame.

Just woke from an intense dream. There were a handful of us who had been working together to create a celebration. We had practically nothing in the way of resources. Hardly any dishes or enough chairs, no flowers and little food. I had recently helped host a blessing way event for my daughter and her Christmas baby to come. We had flowers, candles, heaps of dainty food, lovely porcelain teacups, linen napkins and tablecloths and we wore our best dresses. This was not the case in my dream. I wanted those things but they were not available.

We all worked together to share what we had to make sure everyone would enjoy the event. We put together chairs out of boxes, food was an eclectic mix of whatever anyone had in their cupboards, clothes were shared and creatively combined, it was a scramble. I missed having flowers as the table looked so bare but the children gathered around and cut, pasted and colored to create a beautiful centerpiece.

As the last bits and pieces were coming together, there came knocks on the door. I went outside to find a large crowd gathered, all dressed to the nines and expecting to come in. They stepped up in groups to tell me why they were to be invited in. Some told me their titles and their importance as that would surely be the pass in. Others told me that they had once been a part of this group so that ensured their entrance. Others had heard that it was to be a good time, so, of course, they had come for that. The reasons were myriad and folks were quite vociferous in their entreaties. The atmosphere quickly became riotous.

I held up my arms and asked for quiet. I thanked them all for coming but told them that the doors were closed and no one else would be admitted. We had barely enough to feed ourselves. I told them that they had all arrived dressed for an event but with no offering. Their hands were empty and it seemed that their hearts were not full of goodwill and cheer as evidenced by this riotous behavior. I told them that they all had the opportunity right now to gather in groups and create an event of their own at their own homes and villages. Make it joy filled, make it as wonderful as they had hoped to experience here tonight. They all had the opportunity to create magic.

The time of expecting others to do the creating and walking in to reap the rewards, was over. Now it was up to each of us, to create the life that we wanted to live. If we wanted a lovely celebration dinner, then we would have to work with others and cooperate and give of our resources to make it happen. It was the sharing of hearts that would make the magic happen. We had to let expectations fall away and deal with what we all had inside. We had to allow our gifts to bloom and see where it took us.

I thanked them all for coming and wished them well in their creative endeavors. I turned and went inside, closing the door behind me. I sent a wave of love from my heart to all of them, wishing them the joy that I felt awaiting me inside. My tribe was scurrying about to make all in readiness. I took a chair, wobbly as it was, and reached out my hands to join with those gathered as a blessing song was begun to start our celebration.

I awoke from this dream with my heart racing. I could feel how many folks will find themselves unprepared for the new lives that await us all. We are moving into a new way of being and creating. It requires attributes that this old matrix did not value. Money, power, possessions and the prestige of office hold no value. It is all about the heart’s flame and being true to oneself. Each offering the gifts that they were born with, in service to the whole. A new paradigm. Individualism and looking to gain for oneself has fallen by the wayside. Now it is about the whole, sleeping well knowing that no one is hungry, no mother is struggling to care for her child, no one is without shelter. That no one goes to bed without knowing that they are loved and cherished.

It would seem that in the dream, I was not upholding these principles of sharing and caring. But, I was. As each person had to learn the lesson of The Little Red Hen. The hen who asked for help all along the way to plant the wheat, to water it, to tend it, to harvest it and bake the loaf of bread. At the end of the story, all who had refused to help, wanted to eat of the bread. But she said, No, I will eat this bread as I was the one who did the work to make it.

Everyone has the choice to step out of the way that we have been programmed. We were taught that if we worked hard and followed all the rules, we would be taken care of. We have witnessed the systems breaking down and the emptiness of all of the promises. The rich get richer and the poor grow in number. Wars continue and people suffer. Companies lie, governments are not for the people. Profit is king and the well being of the workers is not considered. It has been a system of slavery.

Now it is for each to choose the life that they desire. Some will go away from the event in the dream and grumble and complain about the unfairness of it. They will spew hate at me for being the one denying their pleasure. Others will decide to gather and join forces to create an event of their own. Everyone will choose their response and in so doing, decide on the life that they will live.

Humanity is amazing in their creativity, resourcefulness, kindness and care for one another. Most hearts are full of such goodness and a desire to be of service to their fellow man. May we each offer what we are to our families, our villages and communities. That is how we change this world. Heart by heart, family by family, village by village. Not by aligning with system that pit folks against one another, as we are programmed to, but by opening our hearts and trusting our own wisdom. We are the ones that we have been waiting for. We are the ones who came to create a new earth. It begins inside each one, with our pure hearts, following our joy and clearing our own wake. It is time to grow and be sovereign in our own field. There is such wonder ahead. Peace and love to us all. We are blessed and may we bless all in our reach. May we know that our hearts’ love can reach around the world. May it be so.

Do you see the giant tortoise rock in the foreground? I love how nature plays with us. I wanted to go over and ride him but there was a wire fence in between us. So I enjoyed him from this distance.

There are changes afoot. We have had glorious autumn weather, sunny skies and a flamboyant display of color by the trees. They sure shine bright before dropping their leaves. It is time for us to follow suit. To shine our lovelight so brightly that others feel cocooned in that flame. The sun has been gifting us with so much light, causing the rise of our shadows, who have only desired to be seen and acknowledged. That allows them to return to the truth of the lovelight that they are. We are made of stardust and beauty. It is time to embrace our true nature. Our shadows are a part of us and there is nothing so dark or twisted that cannot be turned into the golden lovelight that we are.

It is amazing to think how programmed we have been to feel less than. To feel we do not do things right, we are not thin enough, smart enough, witty enough, always not enough. Yet, think of the trees. They are not comparing their colorful leaves to another, not feeling burdened by their shape or their growth patterns. They are standing tall, free to be who they are. They allow the cycles of life to move through them, without hanging on when it is time to let go. They do not refuse to grow new leaves in the spring due to past hurts. They do not fail to shine when the summer light is upon them. They stand in their bareness throughout the winter, without trying to cower and cover themselves in shame or grief. Imagine if we grant ourselves this freedom. To wake to the dawn and sing our heart’s song of joy. To know that we are loved and cherished, whether we are alone or with others. To know it so deeply that it is like a chime sounding in our hearts, not counting out the hours, rather the moments.

Time is disappearing, memories are dissolving. I have a calendar to help me stay on track. Once I could plan long term. Now I record future events on it but they fade into the background. I keep a daily list..what is today? That is all that I can manage to hold in my mind. This is an example of how time is drawing closer to the now moment. We will live that way and these are the indicators of what is to come. Today I will make an appointment with the neighborhood garage to get my snow tires put on at the end of the month. The appointments book up quickly so you have to get on the books early or driving will be unsafe in the snow. Hard to conceive of snow when we have been basking in this autumn glow. Today’s cooler temperatures and rain have triggered the snow tires thoughts.

I do ask my higher self, Sophia, to keep me on track each day. She brings things to my attention that are needed in the moment. This becomes more necessary as the energies are fast! Do you feel how relentless the light has been? We are being prepared for a grand shift and there is no time to waste. I am taking a pottery class which allows my artist self to reemerge. I forgot how much energy creativity takes. I feel drained after class yet enlivened also. I have been feeling under the weather….a cough, the nose draining….found myself wishing that the class was not now but sometime in the future when I felt better. Yet, it is now and I am able for it. This is another sign of our new reality. It flows furiously by and you catch the currents as you are able. There are times, when you need to wash up to shore and take a breath and watch it run by. You cannot rest long as opportunities are flowing and we came to experience them.

The other week, I did not feel up to going to my writer’s group. I had put down some thoughts about my recent reunion trip but they felt scattered. I did not feel ready to share them. I went to the group, as friend picked me up, which helped to get me there. The group is supportive so you can choose not to read, but only listen to the others. That is what I determined to do for the first time. Yet, at the end, I was encouraged to read my piece. I was given wonderful feedback and my heart lifted. I did not want to share it in its clumsy form yet it was received differently than I had thought. How inspiring……put ourselves out there and see where the wind takes us. Allow it all.

At times, I feel so scattered by the energies, I can feel ten streams flowing through me, all in different directions. I have to breathe deeply, sit and center myself, allowing what most wants attention to flow up. I then allow that current to carry me towards whatever arose. At times, it is a still pool that opens that shows me I need rest. When I cannot decipher the path, it is an indication that I am fatigued and rather than doing, I need time to be.

There is a huge learning curve in this new energy and we are back to baby steps. I get regular doses of baby and child time to remind me that there are developmental steps that have to be mastered on the path. I learn as I witness emotions erupt and run through them with lightening speed, their stumbles only encouraging them to get up and try again, their joy as they master a new skill. Their openness to new adventures that they take on with glee. Yes, the children show me the way.

The other night I babysat my two youngest grands…..the three year old and one year old. The three year old girl, knew the whole bedtime routine and walked me through it. She praised my efforts, giving me a gold star for doing it all right from brushing her teeth to reading the right number of stories, getting the right cup and singing the songs correctly. She did prompt me through the last one. I felt chuffed to receive her praise as she can be an exacting taskmaster!

Trees and children, the moments that show up in our lives….all have something to teach us. I am a willing student, open to the gifts that pour in. I do not take any for granted and know myself blessed whether the gifts arrives as a challenge or with a pretty bow. All inform. All are made of the same lovelight as us. All of life is here to bless us. I am grateful.

The day before the Equinox hit, I felt under the weather. As if a storm cloud was hovering over my head. The pressure felt heavy, my body compressing under the weight. On the day, it began to lift. I decided to go for a swim as that is one of my joys in life. It was a magical experience. There was no one else at one of my favorite sites, a small lake called Big Hosmer. Little Hosmer is nearby but is ringed with private cottages so does not have open access like Big Hosmer. I threw my clothes on the wooden bench and quickly immersed myself in the water. I had my hair up as I did not intend to get my head wet as I had misplaced my wax ear plugs that are helpful as the water cools. I set a destination for myself and was surprised that it was one further than I had swum previously. The sky was overcast but the sun peeked out and sent a shimmering, sparkling wave of light towards me. It seemed to follow me as I swam. I felt so buoyant and strong. As I turned around to swim back to shore, I used the backstroke so my head indeed got wet. It felt good. I found myself pulling up a couple of times and was grateful that each time it was to avoid an area near the edge where logs were protruding from the water. I love how our higher selves are always watching out for us!

When I got out of the water and started to dry off, I had a strange sensation that my legs were muscular as if I were a professional swimmer. Wow! My body was tingling and it felt so real. I could see it clearly. My sense is that this is the beginning of the changes that will sweep our world. Perhaps we will feel it first until it will reach through to the physical plane. Rejuvenation here we come! We have prayed for these changes, envisioned them for years, if not decades for some of us, and now we are on the cusp of it all.

My heart is soaring with a new energy. That heavy dullness seems to have passed. It may return but I sense that it will not be as heavy again. Something has shifted and I am celebrating!

All this came on the heels of my trip back to the Buffalo, NY area to attend my 50th high school reunion. Talk about divine timing as there were so many completions as I visited the physical spaces of my childhood. I reconnected with two dear women from those days and we took trips down memory lane, visiting our childhood homes and the neighborhood that was our stomping grounds. As we were driving around, we crossed an intersection which triggered a memory of being hit by a car that ran through the stop sign at that particular intersection. My friend and I were in our bridesmaids dresses as we were on our way to the third friend’s wedding. We arrived just in time to walk down the aisle, a bit disheveled but present! There were a few memories that unfolded in a similar way during my time there. It felt good to clear those energies and call back all of myself to this now.

It was amazing to see so many folks at the event, not recognizing most as I had moved out of state for most of my adulthood. The senior portraits attached to our name badges, gave clues to who was who. The photos brought memories flooding back. All the girls had long hair, parted in the middle, usually straight. The guys shared the long hair. It was a more colorful era with wide legged pants, printed fabrics, embroidered designs, and halter tops.It was interesting to see how we have all aged. Most women looked younger than the men due to how common it is for women to dye their hair. There was a board with the name of those who had passed away. I teared up reading the name of one of my friends who died our senior year. He was the yearbook photographer and had been taking photos at the football game. It was raining and he stood under a big tree. He was struck by lightening and instantly killed. It was the first tragedy of my young life and it struck me to the core. He was a popular guy,I was not part of the “in crowd” yet I was good friends with a lot of them. I was quiet and shy but was sought out as a good listener for the guys talking about their girls. This young man and I bantered back and forth and liked each other but never dated. I did not date in high school. I remember where I was…..working at a hot dog/ice cream place trying to save money to go on the Rotary Exchange Program the following summer. Someone came in from the game and asked if I had heard what happened to this friend. I could not believe it. I would have been at the game if I had not had that shift at work. Ever since then, lightening is something I like to watch from afar. I get my kids and grandkids out of the water or off the trail if it begins. It is not something to be ignored. I still think of Darryl every time I see lightening. He was only seventeen years old.

Another part of the trip was visiting my grandparents’ home and neighborhood where I spent the happiest times of my childhood. There was a dairy farm down the road where we spent a lot of time, always sure of a welcome. The farmer had passed this spring while I was in Australia so I was not able to attend his funeral. It was so special to stay in the farmhouse with his daughter, who I grew up playing with and who had cared for her dad in the last times. It was bittersweet to feel his absence as well as his wife, who was a wise woman in all the best sense of that description. She had passed years before. I missed them and could almost feel their presence as everything was as it had always been. A time capsule to the past. Of course, nature took over the barn which had collapsed and trees grew up or grew so old as to be cut down, changing the look of the place.

My aunt’s art work hung throughout the house bringing back more memories of the years she and my uncle owned my grandparents’ house. We were thrilled that they kept it as we could still go and stay and enjoy the familiar comforts of that home. They lived in Brooklyn but came each spring to plant the garden and then returned to enjoy the summer months. My kids were able to spend time there when they were little and to enjoy many of the pleasures of the place. The attic was full of trunks of old clothes and hats and shoes. There was a victrola with records, that were quite thick, lined up in the bottom section of the cabinet. You had to wind it up with a crank on the side. The top was hinged. It was so much fun to dress up and dance to the silly songs. There was a clay bank at the creek that ran at the bottom of the neighboring pasture. You had to crawl under the electric barbed wire fence and avoid the cows that grazed there. It was a bit frightening as a child. I recall one of my sisters getting caught on the wire and the cows all coming up to investigate. I had to run back through them to get her free. The cows seemed huge and menacing and we ran to get away. Of course, that seemed to encourage them to run after us. Once we made it to the creek, we walked up it to the bend where the bank was made of clay. We would throw water up on it and create wonderful slides. My aunt was an artist and she inspired us to sculpt figures and objects from the clay. We would arrive back at my grandparents’ house, grey with clay. Our bathing suits never came clean again so we had clay clothes at grandma’s that we could don.

My friend was carrying on her parents’ tradition of an open house where folks stopped by to sit on the porch or come in the kitchen to visit. There was always food on offer as well as a listening ear. I am so grateful that she held on to the farmhouse and intends to repair and keep it. A daunting task but she is an amazing woman, much like her mom.

Another part of the trip was visiting my youngest sister, who lives nearby in a nursing home. She has battled mental illness for decades after suffering abuse from both my parents. She was the youngest and had it the worst. She is doing so well and is intending to move to her own apartment soon. She shared some flashbacks that have come up. Hard to listen to and feel yet how much more difficult to have lived. I had to breathe deeply and allow the feelings of guilt on my part that I had not protected her though my childhood nightmares were of trying to protect my three younger sisters from a lion who lived in our house. I was only a child too but was spared the abuse for some reason as I was considered the “little mother” who looked after the girls. When my youngest sister was born, we girls had stayed with a family friend. My father came to pick me up early to return home as I was to help with the baby and she was considered mine to look after. I was five years old at the time. Of course, there were three, now four children after me so I must have appeared much older to my mother’s eyes.

The trip was filled with memories, long forgotten, brought into the light of my heart to be illumined by its flame and then to dissolve. Some took more than a moment but all moved through me and released. I felt the blessing of the timing of the trip. The release of the old before the Equinox energies came streaming in the new. It is time. Change is the byword now. We have to be ready to drop old beliefs in a moment and pivot to embrace what is presenting in this now.

An interesting idea came up in a book that I just finished reading. It is titled: Meet Me at the Museum by Anne Youngson. A small book, a 5×7 inch format which in itself, drew me to it. It contains the fictional letters that a man and woman, strangers to one another, write over a period of time. In the act of writing, they come to know one another and themselves.

The woman is a farm wife, who has raised three children with her husband. Her sons work on the farm with their father as does the daughter, though after marrying, she leaves with her new husband to try out a different life in the city. The farm wife got pregnant, was married and had her first child by the time she was twenty years old. Her life was set and she did her best to care for her husband’s physical and emotional needs, and aid his devotion to the farm, which was not her love in the same way. It had been the farm he grew up on. She writes, ” I have seen it as my job to do everything possible to make him comfortable and support him in his work. ”

Her life takes an unexpected turn when she returns from a trip to discover their bedroom in the same clean state that she had left it, down to the exact sheets that she had made the bed with. She discovers that her husband has been having an affair with another woman.

The feelings echoed some of the turnings in my own life. To have seen to my husband’s comfort in every way, to have engaged in the daily tasks of raising the children, cooking and cleaning and later, working outside the home while maintaining the same neverending chores, to discover that he had led a secret life. The farm wife knows the new woman, and wonders at this choice as the woman is overweight and dresses terribly, is loud, demanding and critical, not someone whom she enjoys at all. Yet, she sees how her husband fawns over her and cares for her in ways he did not with her. She watches her husband run through the rain to the parking lot to get the car and drive it close to the door so that the new woman would not get wet.

“This was a courtesy I would not have expected him to show me. He would have done. I acknowledge, if I asked. Only, I would never have asked. I would have accepted that the car was over there,that I was not very far from it, and that I had legs. Perhaps Daphne will be better for Edward in some ways than I have been. She will force him to take notice of her. ”

It recalls to my mind, how my former husband’s choice of a partner was someone whom he waited on and spent money on in ways that he had not done for me. Yet, I did not ask nor demand. I felt it was my job to give and give. Perhaps that ends up being an uncomfortable weight on the other person, and so they seek someone who is needier in some ways so that they can be the giver. Interesting thought.

Reading fiction can help us grow. I see how I still have a tendency to overgive with my adult children. I anticipate and offer to fill a need before they have articulated it. Before they have asked for assistance. Reprising that childhood role of being the little mother where from an early age, I learned to sublimate my own needs to fufill those of others. My radar scanning the horizon for a need that I can fill. Wow, that is unsettling to feel remnants still remain of this conditioning.

I took a decade to myself, traveling on my own, discovering who I was. Then the first grandchild was born into a dissolving relationship and I became the second mother to my grandson and support to my daughter. Recently, she has now moved on with a new partner and they are expecting another child. He has a teenage daughter so they are creating a new family. My daughter no longer needs me in the same way. After nine years, there is a shift. A welcome one for us all. I feel a sense of completion as well as a void. A space opening for me to discover new things. There are new pathways of self care for me to find. Reading this book, illumined ways that I can do better towards myself. How to stand back and observe in a more detached manner. I can feel how freeing that will be for everyone. It has been nine years of being the mother with a capital M and it is time to move back and allow Nana to be my role. Still present but more open to time and distance to pursue my own inner world.

Lines that resonated for me: “I thought that at least I understood what that life was. The weft and warp of it. The firm ground and the boggy. I thought I knew where it was roughly darned and where neatly patched, but despite all the flaws in the fabric, I believed in the essential wholeness of it.”

It is time to weave a new fabric, using new materials to see what beauty I can create.

Lately, I have been noticing habits and wondering anew about them. Vitamins….they have been a hit and miss experience for me. I do not like take capsules and often feel like I am gagging to get them down. I have sourced more liquid forms and that works better for me. Though now the cod liver oil liquid is leaving a burning feeling in my throat. Ah, I am a sensitive flower. But….do I feel better having taken vitamins? Truly I do not notice a difference in my energy or being. If I did, it would be more compelling to continue but now I am left pondering. Is this another thing that we have been told is necessary and perhaps is not? So, I will finish what I have and wait to see if I feel different. My sense is that our bodies can heal themselves, keep themselves running perfectly as we move closer to our true frequency. Of course, we live in a world that is full of toxins and elements that actively work against that innate health. Yet, our beliefs are a large part of experiencing radiant health. I can choose to hold a vision of myself shining with energy and vitality.

Exercise, a hit and miss event for me also. At times, it feels fun and right. Days like today, it feels that if I were an engine, its plug has been pulled and all the oil has run out. Exercise, even a walk. feels foreign. Deep rest, perhaps time in front of the sauna lights in my closet, and that makes a day. Trusting that my body can maintain its health without a schedule or routine as both go by the wayside for me. I know this, I have lived this way for years yet interesting how when I have a run of a few days in a row, I start to make a story about what I need to do. I have marked it on the calendar….starting a list of days and then felt bad when a number of days have disappeared without having done anything physical. How is this helping me? It is not. So, I am letting go of that way of being. I have done this time and time again. It makes me smile at my tender self. How dear we are, wanting to do the right thing, follow the script, get our gold star. I was such a kid, wanting to get all A’s in school, wanting to do all that was expected at home to get the approval of my parents. I return once again to trusting the energy flow and my body to lead me. It is then a joy filled experience each time I engage.

It feels that we are walking deeper into the dream. Time dissolves and if not for my phone’s alarm, I would not show up when it is important to do so. I have started to label the alarm so that when it chimes, I can read what I intended for myself as that might have flown out of my mind. An hour can pass in a moment, days in hours. I am often shocked at how much time passes and I have been elsewhere in my being. I am floating in the dreamtime while awake. More and more the night and day blend into one another. The delineations are dissolving taking us with them. It is so interesting to be aware of this while living it.

The grandchildren and adult kids are anchors, keeping me tethered to this reality. I am grateful for them. As I am grateful for the dreamy floating feeling. I can get lost in a flower or a view or simply the space around me. Coming back due to someone at the door, calling, “Nana!” can be a jarring experience at times. Other times, the popping back and forth comes with ease. Simply a turning of my head to view this reality and then another. All laid out, like bands of color in a rainbow yet fluid. It gets more difficult to find the words that express the experience.

LIght language flows freely, perhaps it is the frequency where sound holds so much more meaning than our minds can process or interpret. When friends and I engage in allowing that language to come forth, there is understanding but not one that we can put into words. Our inner being takes it in and our bodies feel it. Like listening to whales and dolphins..their sounds penetrate another stratum of my being. It feels good to my body. Sound is so powerful and we are only beginning to understand how it can benefit us.

This morning I awoke with a crunchy back. Crunchy, my term for my back not allowing me to stand up straight. It is this way some days, not all days. Once I get up, move about and take a short walk, it eases and I stand up straight and the discomfort passes. Today, I fell into a pit of despair. I had been looking at the route I will drive next month to attend my 50th high school reunion. I knew that I would not do the eight hour drive in one day as my back no longer tolerates long car rides. I have been getting excited about where to stop on the way to explore new and old places. I want to camp so that I can be in the woods and take hikes. I spent many years doing just that but it has been a long time since I camped. This past spring I had camped for two nights with my daughter and grandson and my back took longer to straighten after a night in the tent. I felt like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

All this came up and I felt the worry that I would not be able to camp and enjoy the trip. I have been more diligent of late, doing my back exercises and caring for myself. Yet, here I am, crunchy! I went out to my son, who was getting in his car to go off to work. I cried and asked for a hug. He responded that we need to get me a new mattress……perhaps a good move, worth a try…..but in that moment I needed to be witnessed in my despair. He did that and soon I went off for a long walk with a friend and felt so much better.

The trip is three weeks away and who knows how I will be feeling by then? I went into despair because I was projecting my present self, who was in pain, into the future. Afterwards, I reminded myself how I had floated through the twenty- eight hour plane ride to Western Australia, last spring. I had visualized myself getting off the plane feeling great and that happened. I can do that again, see myself feeling wonderful for the entire trip, enjoying the campsites and hikes and arriving at the reunion, feeling wonderful and strong. Whatever happens, I will be alright. I can stay at motels, I can rest when I need to.

We are all of it, weak and strong, despairing and optimistic, sad and joyful. The friend I walked with this morning was describing a forty-three year friendship she has and how they totally accept one another in all the guises that we wear. How if she expressed an opinion one day, her friend would accept that she might express the opposite opinion the next day. She marveled at how freeing it was to be so accepted. So honored for being who they each were in their shared moments.

Allowing ourselves to be inconsistent, to change our minds, to be up or down. We were trained with such a narrow scope of behavior that was deemed acceptable. Consistency, following things to the letter, these were our training wheels. And yet, our humanness is a wild thing, we are mammals and at times we live that nature without the veneer of conditioning.

Nature demonstrates this over and over. I am sitting in the library, looking out the bay windows at a maple tree outside. A batch of leaves near the top of the tree is living autumn with its oranges and faint reds, the rest of the tree is singing summer songs of green, green. One tree, different songs. We are more complex than we have been led to believe. As more light pours into the planet, the veneers are being blasted off and more of our essence is being revealed. Who are we? Who am I today, this moment? Time is dissolving as are our known markers. We live more and more in a sea of uncertainty as the structures are collapsing around us. The outer reflecting the inner that is coming undone. Notions of the person that I am, unwind as more of me shines through. I look in the mirror and see a playful five year old, the next time I see an ancient crone staring back at me with eyes of infinite wisdom. All me, all here.

The wildness is stirring and asking for greater expression. Perhaps that was me this morning, crying in front of my son and asking for the hug I needed. Not my usual behavior but that was me at that moment. Allowing more of me to be and express. That is why the camping is important, sleeping on the ground, being immersed in the night sky, hearing the quiet of the trees. My heart is in need of some wilding. My body leading me onward.