Tag Archives: anger

Always Learning

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Snow folks that my granddaughter and her mom made on the back steps.

Snow folks that my granddaughter and her mom made on the back steps.

There had been a disagreement brewing with one dear to me. My heart was sore with the feelings of anger and resentment. I ended a call quickly, not sure how to continue. How to maintain a boundary and yet be the love? I breathed in and felt a loosening. I expanded it and allowed the love that is true to flow through me. I wanted an apology, an acknowledgement of wrong doing. It was not to come. How to sit with that? All of this was mine to do. I could continue to feel the emotions like a weight on my shoulders or ? Again, the knowing that this was mine to do. It was not dependent on the actions of another. I realized that it is not my  job to ensure that someone “gets it”. I am not responsible for the way that others walk this life. I do not have to teach them a lesson. I do not have to make them understand. I am responsible for myself and how I walk my love in this world. Amazing to think that I know what is best for anyone. How long have I carried this sense of responsibility? Too long. It is time to let it go.

I had a choice. I sat and allowed the lovelight to infill that area of pain. It slowly began to warm that part of my heart with its glow. Deep sigh. I picked up the phone and made the call expressing only love. There remains differing views of the situations. It matters not. I can choose my boundaries, choose what feels lighter, express my truth and then let it go.

Later, a dear friend called and expressed that she had struggled with the same emotions that morning. We were able to laugh and feel the lightness as we moved through the heavyheartedness. We acknowledged that we are getting better at this. We feel it all and let it be present until it washes away like a wave.

fullsizeoutput_4f2aIn the afternoon, a wave of loneliness came over me. I took myself out for a walk, intending to go to a nearby woods. I saw that the trails were closed due to deer hunting season. Ah….I had forgotten that. My bright orange vest was back home, it is an essential part of the wardrobe during hunting season to make sure that you are seen. I ended up on a different walk about the common, taking in the views. The sky was alive with patterned clouds as it decided whether to drop snow or rain.

I love the sweet face that he made on this little being.

I love the sweet face that he made on this little being.

I went home and cleaned out my pantry, finally putting away groceries that had been sitting there awaiting space. I emptied my cupboards and ended up with a box of give away dishes and implements. It felt good, clearing in the physical can often clear our heads. I then settled into making more fairy wands to sell at my first craft fair this coming weekend. I imagined the children dancing with them and laughing. My grandson made two and zoomed around flying them up and down. He is so creative, I love seeing what he comes up with. I am grateful for the time with my two little ones. They keep me laughing and experiencing joy. May we all have that child inside, lit up. Cherish yourself as we cherish one another.

 

The Lion’s Gate Portal and Pain

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Latest swimming spot

Latest swimming spot

My world of late reflects these intense times. My back aches and makes sleep elusive. Time sitting, especially in cars is no longer easy. Camping trips have been cancelled and my hermit/nun existence moves further inward. I do my back exercises, get acupuncture treatments, walk by the river and play in the pool with my grandson. An unexpected delight of the summer has been swimming in the nearby river. The current is swift but there are places where lovely stretches off the main river can be found. I enjoy the feeling of swimming almost in place as my legs and arms strive for forward movement. It makes me laugh! There follows the reward of a gentle float back downstream, lying on my back, watching the bank flow by. Then the quick movement to eject myself from the river’s slipstream to reach the bank.

IMG_3037I pick blackberries warmed by the sun on my walk there and back. The wildness of the river and the berries resonate on a cellular level with a wildness in my soul and body that seeks greater expression. I can feel the enlivening and it brings me joy. I sense that all of nature is coming alive in a new way and it is transmitted to me in these connections. I need to feel these glimmers of a greater aliveness that herald the new that is to come for us all.

Then there are days where it feels as if a plug has been pulled and every drop of energy has drained from my form. I can hardly animate it. I lie exhausted on my bed or couch, a book at hand if there is a modicum of energy or mindless netflix shows if there are mere drops. If none, I watch the movement of the leaves on the trees outside the windows. If I do not have food in the refrigerator, I am glad of buttered toast from the loaf stashed in the freezer.  Amazing how long I can put off going to the grocery store or any other errands. I feel all those who suffer chronic pain, the limitations, the drawing in. What courage it takes to keep joy alive.

I spend much of my time with my daughter and grandson. I sleep over at the family house on weekends and when the three year old requests my presence. He is just back from a two week trip to see his father in Montreal (Yes, crazy that a three year old has to be so long from his mother. California courts and a father who is not able to honor his child’s needs above his own) so he wants the reassurance of his grandpa and me close at hand. This morning I awoke and went to the bathroom, to find the big blue exercise ball by the toilet. I called out to the scamp who must have rolled it in. He laughed and said, “Nana, that means this is a cracker day!” What is that?, I ask. He just made it up and finds it hilarious and so the day began with laughter and silliness. What kind of animal was I this morning? Could I guess what kind he was? Ok, I am a kodiak bear and he is a chinook salmon and we will see how that turns out!

A recent trip to San Francisco to pick up my grandson from his trip, the fog was shrouding the Golden Gate bridge just as this anger shrouded my heart.

A recent trip to San Francisco to pick up my grandson from his trip, the fog was shrouding the Golden Gate bridge just as this anger shrouded my heart.

Earlier this week, I had three days of intense anger flow through me at the patriarchy and its power over others. I observe how we bring issues in on a personal level to connect us to the global level. It came into my world with a court date where my daughter’s child support was reduced as her soon to be former husband wielded his financial savvy and control. I felt the struggle of single mothers to support and nurture their children while our society turns a blind eye. I felt all the abuse from the Catholic church of my youth, the power men have held over women. I felt the horrors of human trafficking and pediphilia. The anger was like a fire in my veins and I felt that I could smote all who used this power to harm. Moments of unconsciousness appeared in males around me and my level of fatigue with it brought me to my knees. I have no patience for it. I want to shake them and say, “Wake up!” It is time for the masculine to wake up. I have held space for this for so long and have so much compassion for the masculine as it moves from its aggressive warrior stance to becoming warriors of the heart, protectors of women and children, of innocence and truth.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of his love.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of love.

It has not been an easy road for them, I know this. I do  see signs of this happening, there are beautifully conscious males, especially in my sons’ generation and even more so, in my grandson’s as these souls come in balanced in their masculine and feminine aspects. Thankfully, each generation freer from the old programming.

Grief and sadness followed in the wake of anger’s fire. It held me in its grip for days until it suddenly released. These are the times we are in. Duality presents in heightened tones asking to be brought into harmony. My body is a cauldron where an alchemy takes place, turning the unspeakable into the liquid gold lovelight. It takes all that I Am.

I feel as worn as the wedding band of my former twenty-five year marriage. Thin to begin with, it lost its edges, softening with the daily wear and tear of old patterns of partnership and union.

The Lion’s Gate portal has opened as this night moves towards day. I have felt Mother Sekmet’s fire flowing this week and her sword swinging amongst the distortions of power and love. Tonight, the white lions come in, lying beside me as I type. They lick my heart and offer solace. I feel all the pain falling away. I sense the lovelight flowing as I move through this gate. We are being gifted with so much more of our essence. I see sovereignty entering in as our young men and women claim their power in authentic ways and wield it for the greater good.

I was delighted that this heart rock wanted to be balanced to shine its love to all by the river!

I was delighted that this heart rock wanted to be balanced to shine its love to all by the river!

Bliss and despair, hope and hallowed, beauty and fear. All to be held in our hearts, to be allowed, to be accepted and loved. What a glorious thing we are doing here on this earth. What a privilege to play a part in it. God bless us all in our tenderness and dearness.

 

 

Kali Breathes Her Fire

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IMG_0717Ah, calm is returning to my soul. I have been in the grips of Kali’s fiery energy the past few days. Sleepless nights as I tossed and turned with my mind spinning in webs of confusion. One dear to my heart, has stepped out of the old victim, playing small energy that I had lived for many years of my life. Witnessing the unfolding brought echoes of the old pain to the surface. Seeing one holding the stance of power over, with all its many guises, brought that energy into sharp focus. The gaslighting, the manipulation, the shaming, the guilt, the lies…..all presented in technicolor for me to view.

It was exhausting to be in such energies without allowing Kali’s fire to burn it all down. I felt that I was a match ready to ignite all in a fiery conflagration. I felt the impact of the imprisonment that we have lived lifetimes under on this planet. I felt rage at the forces that feed off of humanity’s misery. My personal world was reflecting the macrocasm and my inner being was on fire as the microcosm. I am amazed that my physical form still stands!

The ocean crashes against the rocks, creating something new in its wake.

The ocean crashes against the rocks, creating something new in its wake.

At one point, a small voice said, ” You are not being spiritual.” Then a deep laugh followed by a roar from Kali. Ha! Spiritual! She quickly extinguished that voice and every cell in my being knew that this anger was truth. I had to forgo saying goodby to one who was here highlighting this energy for me, as I knew that I could burn him to cinders with a look. I sent regrets to a family gathering as the anger needed my full attention and it was not to be diluted with any niceties. Truly, it felt that I was breathing fire. One night, I ate two half pints of gelato in an attempt to cool my being down. I felt scorched from the inside out. The outside temperatures mirrored this as it seemed that all are in the fire as the intensity ramps up. It will not lessen soon but continue until there is no longer a need.

Stones balanced on a bit of sand as the tide flows out. We are called to our own balancing act as our former foundations crumble beneath us.

Stones balanced on a bit of sand as the tide flows out. We are called to our own balancing act as our former foundations crumble beneath us.

Being around the unconsciousness that is rampant on the planet, is so much more tiring than in days past. I am so grateful to have been gifted a sanctuary space to rest in. I sit here in this beautiful cottage, a tiny bird dipping its beak into a birdbath outside my window, my heart being fed by its presence. The trees all stand with me, offering their shade and strength . All of nature and the elements conspire to assist us in this evolutionary change. All is being changed. All are being given wake up calls. There is so much fear and anxiety running in the collective. Nature is a wonderful antidote. We think of her as being peace, offering peace. This is true and yet there is more.

I have known that I am a pillar of peace on this planet. Yet, here I have been, deeply engaged in anger on a personal and impersonal level. One does not negate the other. Kali has shown me the place of anger.  Peace is not without anger. Peace comes through being with all of it, without resistance. Feeling all of it. Riding the waves as they crest and smash against the rocks. Nature shows us eruptions, fires running out of control, lava spewing forth, waters rising, winds whirling. It is all part of the picture. All to bring that stability, that new firmament upon which we can begin to build the new.

Much of the new age thinking has touted a lie. Encouraging peace when fire was raging below the surface. Telling folks to think positive and all would be well. Shaming folks for their anger, their pain. A lie. Another way to harness folks’ energy while appearing in the guise of “spiritual”. It continued the work of organized religion with its oppression and guilt.

Today I feel depleted, emptied of the fire. The settling as my breath cools. I am so grateful to this body elemental that withstands such energies flowing. I am grateful to be a part of this dance.

We stand in our beauty and strength to bless all.

We stand in our beauty and strength to bless all.

I witnessed a squirrel sounding an alarm yesterday. A louder than car alarm noise, that came unbelievably from a squirrel. He stood stock still on a branch and rang his alarm for all that he was worth. No idea what it meant but it sounded like a wake up call to humanity. Wake up! Let go! Surrender and allow. It is time, past time to make a new choice. To let go of narcissism, let go of holding onto material forms of security, to ride the waves and flow with the energies which are landing in. He was brilliant at his work.

May we all live what is true and trust that it will all turn out in ways beyond our wildest dreams. This I know, all is well. It is done. We have anchored the light as we allow ourselves to be true to what is seeking expression. This is the path to peace. Hawaii is showing us this now as her eruptions destroy as well as create. New landmass is being born as what no longer serves is burnt away. Nature is a teacher if we choose to learn from her.

Inner Fire

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imageAfter days of brilliant sunshine, yesterday dawned with a pink glow on the mountain that was soon enveloped in a white mist that spread into a wool blanket over this place. Everything felt muffled and muted. A wintry feel that matched my inward desire. It was a day for staying in my robe and pjs, lying on the couch, staring into the flames of the fire, dissolving into the whiteness outside. I did go out at one point to walk barefoot on the grass in the yard, but otherwise, it was a tea and toast kind of day. Bodily comfort reigned as I walked between worlds. No desire to speak to anyone or deal with anything beyond heating up some water and food. A day for communing with my heart’s flame.

Today the white blanket persists but my energy is more communicative. A walk feels possible and some talks with friends. I have learned to honor my body’s rhythms, allowing the quiet days and the active ones. Riding the wave of energy as it presents itself.

imageMy dreams have been active in releasing old energies. Interesting situations arising, experiencing the pain or sorrow. Taking time to breathe it through as I awaken with emotions running. Calling in the violet flame angels to transmute it all. Thanking myself for releasing in dreamtime…an easier path than on this physical plane.

Spoke with one dear to my heart, he was experiencing extreme anger at the news of someone killed by police officers. The pain of all that is corrupt and harsh in this world, bore down on him. I honor the aspect we are each here to feel and express. I do not follow the news. I live in a bubble of beauty and peace. I have felt that rage move through me at various times, in the past. Perhaps I will feel it again. I have no knowing of how it all fits but I do feel how we are each called to play our part. For me, it is holding a vision of the new land, for some it is being the voice that cries out at injustice and others are the ones who work to right the wrongs. I bless each one for being true to their calling. There is no right or wrong way, there is only your way, what you are guided to, what I am guided to. All offering their piece that works together to create a more loving and harmonious world.

imageBright orange lilies breathe their joy to me. I am reading a fantasy novel of bears and princesses and adapting to new places and ways. All informs me. All touches me. This flame in my heart is burning bright with hope and anticipation of love flowing around this world as our hearts ignite in a conflagration. We are ready to live and love as one. My heart bows to your flame.

Allowing my Feelings to Flow Fully

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I continue to marvel at the way life brings to us exactly what we need, when we need it. I look back at all the years that I lived my life trying to orchestrate events through my mind. I was not able to accept life as it presented itself to me. I attempted to control how others should act, to control my feelings, tamping them down in the mistaken belief that life would be easier that way. I believed that I would be happy if a set of circumstances that I held to, came to be. I spent a great deal of time and energy opposing what was, in an attempt to create my own version of the magic lands.

I love the fierceness and wildness of some of the Maori images. They are expressing truth.

And lo, and behold……I am living in those very magic lands these days. I arrive more fully each day as I begin my day with a surrender to my higher self, Sophia, to be in the driver’s seat. I put all my trust in her, which of course, is myself. I trust me completely. I trust the benevolent nature of this universe. I trust Creator. From this place of trust, I observe everything that comes into my world. The energies are becoming much clearer in vibration and tone. I watch the interplay, hear the music that is being sung. There is only one tone that captures my attention these days. It is the tone of love. I want to listen to it, broadcast it, be bathed in it, sing it with others in conversation and silence. I hear it underneath all other tones, asking to be heard and amplified through my heart. The tones of love are what make up this world of ours.

Love resides in everything. It is the most freeing of feelings as we are born to love. We are love! I am feeling the freedom of loving all of life. It is a fiery feeling, the intensity is immense. I used to be afraid of my feelings, of the power of love that I felt coursing through me. Society taught me this from a young age. I felt too much, I wanted too much, I was too much. We were taught that you could not love freely, it was reserved for certain people in certain times. We were taught that you must love your parents, even if they were awful to you. We were taught that you could not love someone if they were in a relationship with another. We were taught to mistrust others of our own sex, that they were competition for the scarce commodity of love that was out there. We were taught that our feelings were dangerous and were to be hidden from others to the point where we hid them from ourselves.

In doing so, we have allowed the shadowlands to grow in size and scope. We are a society riddled with addictions, fearful of owning our truth, fearful of being seen. We have lost the ability to see others as we have not been able to fully see ourselves. We have been taught to shine out our bright side, to hide any sign of weakness as our enemies might use it against us. We have created an us vs them world. Yet, there is only us….one people on planet earth. One tribe, the tribe of many colors, the rainbow tribe. It is time to take off the masks and uncover the truth of ourselves. It is truth that what we judge in another is a part of ourselves needing love.

I have just finished reading, The Flaming Serpent by Aine Armour. Here are some of her words that resonated deeply in my heart:

“You must be honest with your feelings. You must allow yourself to feel them. They are the language of your own soul speaking to you…So often humans judge their feelings as wrong and so they suppress them, repress them. The feelings do not go away. They go into the body, into the energy system and continue to create-feelings create.  They are the juice of creation, the water of life. If they are repressed and unacknowledged they begin to create the shadow of the feeling they originated from….It is not the feeling that causes harm, it is what we do with the feeling that can cause harm.”

We fear the flame with its dying, forgetting it unleashes the seed of the new. In every death, exists the rebirth.

I so enjoy uncovering another belief that I have been unconsciously living by. I love the freedom that comes as I dismantle the lie and allow myself to breathe fully in the open space now at hand. I AM LOVE! This I know in all of me. I can allow myself to feel this love fully in all of its aspects. I can use my discernment as to when and how to act upon my feelings as they show up in my world. Who in this world has enough love? Who would not be grateful to know that they are loved? We have so limited our version of love. If it be for someone of the opposite sex, we bring sex into the equation. We do not trust ourselves to love deeply for fear we may cause harm to another. Yet, it is our intention that is all. I intend no harm come from my love. My love is a cosmos and we limit it to a physical expression that is the tip of the iceberg. We are taught that romantic love is all with its erotic charge that quickly grows stale. We are taught the sanctity of the parent- child relationship without allowing it the freedom to be more or less than that.

Love is to be fully felt, fully given in each moment. We can look into another’s eyes for a moment and exchange lifetimes of love. There is such a blessing in this for both parties. I am learning to love so fully that I no longer hold anyone or thing that I love. I bring all of me to each moment, allowing the love to flow in a continuous stream from my heart. I am free to bathe all of it in my love. I recognize no limits nor confines for this love. It flows in a never ending stream from Creator to my heart. My chalice which I offer anew each day to my Mother/Father, is filled with a radiant stream of liquidlovelight that overflows from my heart to yours. I am a conduit for love. I am the stream of love. I am infilled with love. The wonder of this!

I used to hold it in my heart, even close off my heart from receiving what my Mother/Father freely gave. I used my mind to decide where the love should go, who was deserving of my love. I gave time and again from an empty cup as I did not believe myself deserving of love. I felt flawed, damaged. If I expressed any emotion but love, I crawled into the shadows of the cave of shame where no light entered. Anger sent me there, impatience was a pass to the cave. I judged myself harshly and meted out punishment without mercy. Talk about an executioner! Whew, I wielded that sword with a vengence. Each time I crawled out of the cave, determined to be love, to walk in light, to take the high road in all situations. Each time an emotion other than love rose up in me, I took myself to the cave, asked for the nails to be hung on the cross of shame and guilt. My self loathing grew with my rage. My former hubby used to say that he was a good guy 26 days out of the month, but watch out for those other few days. That was when the illusion broke and the moon in her wisdom, drew forth the fiery truth of my soul. I would find myself raging, as feelings stuffed all month long, came pouring out in a violent cascade. They came to teach me, to ask for honoring. I would respond with horror and as my hormones settled, I would stuff them back into the recesses of the cave and place myself at the entrance, setting guard so that they would never see the light of day. 26 days later, they would overwhelm me once again and make their escape into my outer world. I suffered, those around me suffered their wrath. The remorse, the incrimination would enter in and the cycle continued its mad merry go round.

Part of a Nicholas Roerich painting that was a wedding gift eons ago. I have always loved this image of a man sitting on a mountaintop, tending the fire of his heart.

Eventually, I went deep enough into the darkness that I longed only to stay there. That is when I discovered a flame inside of me that illumined a truth. It told me that I was good, that I was love, that I was lovable. By holding to that flame, allowing it to burn within, I found my way out of the cave. I live in a state of grace and peace these days. I feel every feeling that comes my way, fully and completely. I can feel anger without spewing it at another or myself. I did not know how to do that before. I accept all that triggers me as my own, not looking to another to be the cause of my feelings. I thank each person that flips a trigger in me as it allows me to let go the charge. Once fully felt and met, triggers disappear. No one taught me this. I have learned to use my voice to express whatever feeling is present. It is the quickest way that I have found to move energy. I identify where the feeling is in my body and allow the sound it is holding to come out. I do not judge if it is a pretty sound or a grating sound, a groaning or a whining or a keening. All is welcome to be expressed. I tone until the space is clear and empty. I then use my voice to infill that space with my Mother/Father’s presence of love. I ask Sophia to more fully inhabit that space, to love it completely. I know of someone who had cervical cancer. She realized that the cancer grew in the place where she had not fully loved herself. The space she had not fully occupied. Nature abhors a vacuum. I wish to occupy my whole self, this beautiful body which works so hard to hold my light and points out to me where the darkness is that is seeking release through the tones of love. Our bodies know all! They are the wisdom keepers. Ask and you will be shown where you are unaware, where vacuums exist, where cobwebs have been allowed to grow. How many of us have parts of our body that we think unkind thoughts to; “I hate my butt, my shoulder is a pain, my breasts are too small…” The litany goes on. Our body is our friend, seeking love as we are. We can speak to it with tenderness, gift it with what it needs rather than what our minds tells us is the latest news as to how to treat it. We are unique and there is no one size fits all treatment for our bodies though society would have us believe it. We would rather see a doctor and take a pill than take the time to listen to our body. It will tell us exactly what it needs to be a healthy container for us, but we must become able to translate its thoughts. We do this by engaging our senses in the subtle realms of spirit.

We are all looking for permission to feel without judgment.  I give you that permission this day. In doing so, feeling everything that shows up in our world, we begin to know ourselves. And what beauty is there, waiting to be seen! Claim it! I love you.