Tag Archives: back pain

The Changing View

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fullsizeoutput_5080Fifth day of limited movement, I can stand or lie down……nothing in between. The weather has matched moments of my mood, brooding cloud cover, rain on and off, thunder and cool temperatures. This morning there is a shift, sunlight is streaming in between the clouds causing the temperature to hit 70 sometime today. I am moving a bit more freely. My low back has been my Achilles heel for decades. I had painted my granddaughter’s bedroom and then decided to try a furniture rearrangement that rearranged my back, not in a good way. It is hard to accept that at sixty-seven, such behavior may be behind me as my sons tell me. When I feel good, I believe I can do anything with this dear body of mine. This time, I will heed their advice and call them to do the heavy lifting. Or my daughter as she is a powerhouse of strength, having just competed  some wild half marathon with an obstacle course stationed throughout the steep up and down mountain run. Today she came to help me get my breakfast prepared and I watched her carefully walk back down the stairs. Whew, I see the results of running and at times, walk/crawling up the steep mountain sides. Not my idea of fun. It is so interesting what lights us all up. There is such a huge variety of options!

Poppies exploding next to the barn, such magical papery flowers.

Poppies exploding next to the barn, such magical papery flowers.

After feeling flat for so long, I had just begun to feel some enthusiasm to participate in life in a more physical way. It is still ahead, I can feel it. The vibrancy, the instant bursts of energy when I want them. Things are changing even as I am in this period. The muscle spasms are exhausting but I was laughing with my daughter that I was doing my own cross fit workout, a condensed version. In five minutes or so that it takes for me to get myself upright from lying down to then standing using a crutch as a support, I go through a wringer of spasms that has me sweating! Viola, mini workout done! I am able to be fully present in the pain and release fully in the next moment. In all my bouts with back pain, I have not experienced it with such lightness nor joy. I feel free in a new way.

My latest weekly haul fresh from the organic farm down the road. Such aliveness!

My latest weekly haul fresh from the organic farm down the road. Such aliveness!

Dear ones show up to care for me, to cook and offer assistance. My former hubby and his partner, cleaned my fridge, prepped my veggies, put them in easy to reach places, brought a bag of easy to eat supplies, washed my dishes and cleaned the kitchen. My sons, daughter and  daughter in love have cooked yummy meals and set my computer and books at hand. My granddaughter has provided comic relief with her antics and stories. Her sweet kisses and concern warm my heart. I am so open to receive and feel such gratitude for all that I am given. I send waves of this lovelight out to all who are suffering alone, who have no respite, no one to care. How blessed I am. May all be so cherished and loved.

The Lull

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The dancing diamond light delights me.

The dancing diamond light delights me.

Sweet dreamy days followed by nights of little sleep, back aching in an elemental way. In the middle of the night chat with a friend on the other side of the sea, she asked me if my back was related to Gaia. My body shuddered a resounding yes. So many I know are experiencing intense physical symptoms at present. Gaia then gifted me a vision of her shaking off an outer layer. It is time. We are part of her, as much as the trees and mountains and oceans. We  move with her and feel her as she does us. I saw this physical pain departing, being shook off as this layer departs. As the dis ease moves up and out, it is magnified in our experience. We are called to breathe through this movement, allowing the inner earthquake and tsunami to move through unchecked. This layer of density has completed its work, we no longer need pain to teach us. We are stepping into a time of more fluidity and ease, a time of radiant health.

Time, itself,  has become so fluid and incomprehensible. I am called up short when someone mentions a month or a date. My mind searches for where that fits….is May soon or long ago? The old linear pathways are dissolving and it takes focus and effort to place myself on them. Each moment we are invited in, to live it fully. Past and future fade in its embrace.

Like many, there is this creative energy stirring and swirling. Yet there is this pause, this lull, this stillness. We are so active on the inner planes, aligning all for the coming equinox and eclipse cycle. On the physical level, we are being held still by our bodies, our wisdom keepers. Now is the time to dream big, to trust with every cell in our bodies, that a new world is being birthed through us, with us. The trust and faith bones in our being are  strengthening with each surrender, each letting go. Ours is to breathe it each moment. To know and feel it within our hearts, that the Universe is conspiring to bring us our deepest desires in ways more magnificent than our imagining allows.

imageFor me, there is no doing. There is the being of appreciation; for the hummingbirds that visit the manzanita bushes’ pink bells outside the window, the mountain that glows in the moonlight in her bright whiteness, keeping me company through the night, the roommate who offers me a delicious smoothie elixir for a morning drink, the list goes on. I do not have to search for things to appreciate, they are all about me. We are becoming part of the song of gratitude that the elemental kingdom has sung for so long. We are singing to one another with our hearts full of love. Our Mother Earth sings us a lullaby and we coo back at her. My back sings a tune that I sway to, my feet touch the ground and feel the swirl of its motion. Everything is alive in song and movement.

Pathway through the woods.

Pathway through the woods.

We were taught to fix ourselves to a point on every level. Now we are asked to let go of our anchors so that we can float with our mother as she rides this expansion wave. Think of children playing, holding hands and running free. If one sits down, holds to the ground, the line of movement comes to a halt. We are asked to let go, to allow her to fly free without being anchors,  checking her movement. Let the ship fly! Let our beings fly with our mother in an exhilarating free fall. She is our mother. We can trust her love. We can trust ourselves to know where to move, how to flow with the currents of change. We have waited for this time, now that it is upon us, let us savor the ride in all its mystery. It is the ride of our lives!

 

I’m Bored and Lessons from my Back

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IMG_6698May, the month of magic and miracles I so wanted. Instead it has been a time of immobility as my back seized up for no apparent reason. My higher self told me that I was “bringing in a new frequency” and the stillness was required. I surrendered to that, there is no fighting the body. I have not been inspired to write or do anything as sitting has been out of bounds for the past 10 days. This morning, a wave of wellness moved through me and though one hip is still riding higher than the other and movement is not yet without discomfort, a window flew open and a fresh breeze has wafted in. Hallejujah!

The blessings have been manifold. My former hubby insisted that I call his brother who is an acupuncturist to get an appointment. The relationship with his brother and sister-in-law has recently been mended after years of no contact after the divorce. They had cared for our family with herbs and acupuncture throughout the years of raising our children. As I lie on the table, awaiting the needles, I sobbed as I felt the energy of this family’s care and love for me. It was so healing to be cared for by them once again. I received it on a deep level and thanked my back for facilitating this healing.

The magenta flame of the Magdalene

The magenta flame of the Magdalene

A friend called to share a dream that I inhabited with her. It spoke truth to me as I found myself sobbing as she described the scene. We were in a space deep in the ground, down a flight of stone stairs. She recognized as a place where Mary Magdalene was purported to have lived for years. We were a part of a circle of women, kneeling together. Mary Magdalene was going around the circle to anoint each one’s feet and kiss each one on their crown chakra. My friend saw her clearly and felt the touch of her hair as she leaned in to perform her rite. She said that we were bringing in a new frequency, a wonderful confirmation for me in what I had heard. My daughter was amongst the women, another confirmation for me as I had been reading a book about Mary Magdalene and the description of her infectious, playful, grounded, sensual nature so matched the energy of my daughter that I knew she also carried the Magdalene codes here on earth. Mary Magdalene instructed us all to “swoon in her beloved, Jeshua’s love”. My body responded with a yes as my lying down took on a new energy. Swooning……yes I was swooning in that Christ light and love!

Days passed and my night times felt like wrestling matches as my body felt so confining and limiting. There were moments that felt unbearable. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, the snake came to me with his image of shedding the old. I felt I would combust. Irritation with life, boredom with all that it had to offer was off the charts. No excitement bubbling up for anything. Gratitude, always there whether for a breeze on my cheek,  the light illuminating a flower petal, or my daughter walking me through restorative stretches……gratitude is second nature to me. Yet this dirth of desire for anything in this world. Flatness. Boredom. Wanting a frequency which has not landed. Knowing came that this was the intense confining energy which preceded expansion. Taking a deep breath of solace from that. Yes, I am about to expand as I let go of the old limitations.

Drying my wings, readying for flight.

Drying my wings, readying for flight.

Another dear friend reminded me that the only place to go exploring was inside. Ah, yes. There was spaciousness, newness, openness and freedom. Deep breaths possible. Staying in the present moment, inside and out. Being ok with the now, accepting where I am, trusting it is all perfectly created by myself for myself. I feel the completion in my present situation, my mind rushing ahead to scan the future for a foothold to latch onto. I find myself looking up small towns across the country as possible landing spots. Yet, the knowing is that it is not a mind game, rather my heart must lead. I am alert for signs and have an open ear to guidance. I calm my mind, telling her the heart has this in hand and I will be safe. She flows between understanding and wanting to work it out. I drop deeper, below her radar and flow in the river of love that is ever there for me, if I allow.

IMG_6690Next month, I will need to find a new space as this cycle completes itself. I am grateful for what has been and curious as to what will be. It is a big letting go as I see myself stepping more fully into my wholeness, letting go of the family that has been my work for the past thirty years. Our love and care has been firmly reestablished and is a light burning within with its strength.  Now the level of involvement will shift as I try my wings as a sovereign being, ready to sound a new note. I am ready. There remains much of May and I intend to experience some of her miracles. Oh, wait, I already have, just not the way my mind thought it would look! Expect the unexpected, of course. Better yet, drop the expectations and show up for each moment. I AM, with love.

 

Back Issues deepening the Divine Masculine/Feminine Balance

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A view out over this beautiful small town.

April is proving to be a month of movement on one level or another. I awoke yesterday morning quite early but did not get up for hours as I was guided to lie still and allow what was taking place. It felt like a river of energy was running through me, it flowed from head to foot with an amping taking place at my heart. I heard, “Be still and allow. This is your work right now.” It had a different quality to it than most energy I run. It was deeper and lasted far longer. I finally had to get up and use the bathroom. I then went to take a shower and my lower back gave out. I had not had this happen in ages and was surprised at the severity of it. I thought, oh, so you wanted me to lie there longer! Movement in a different way…inner energy moving, outer body forced to lie still.

At one point in the day, the clouds lifted and this mountain came into view. This is just what is happening with us, the veils are lifting and we are beginning to see our own majesty! Aren't we awesome!

The pain and spasms in my back increased as the night wore on. I knew that there was more happening than simply the physical experience. A dear friend responded to my message for help. She did a distance healing on me. She saw that I needed to allow support from Mother Gaia to enter my root chakra and flow upward. I had been flowing all that energy down into her core that morning and it needed to be balanced. My friend saw Archangel Michael fill the center of my being and point his sword down through to the center of the earth. I began to sob at this as I could feel him in my body. Then she and I both laughed as she saw all the angels filling the space about me. They are so delightful! Another friend that called (I love my friends who have different gifts than I and so willingly share them with me) and saw Archangel Michael’s energy and sword as the divine masculine flowing through to meet the divine feminine of Mother Gaia. My body vibrated the truth of this as she felt that I had experienced much pain from the masculine in this lifetime and if I could bring it back into balance, I would open the pathway wider for those with similar pain. Through the lessons and experiences that we chose, we can work to bring balance once again. I must forgive myself and all others and release the energy back to love. It is the time of the balancing of the masculine and feminine energies on the planet.

The clouds teach me to flow with the streams of energy.

The other aspect of this back pain is clearing my cellular memories of all trauma from this and past lifetimes. The tooth issues that I had recently clears ancestral memories. The lower back is our feeling of being supported in this world. That has been a theme in this lifetime of not being supported and having to do it all myself. My body has to clear these  memories in order to fill with more light. The past two nights I have had vivid dreams of feeling victimized related to this life. I awoke shocked at the violence of my emotions. Rage on a scale that I have not felt in years and years. In my dreams, I am acting out that rage in a terrifying way. Yikes! I am grateful that these emotions are clearing in the dream space and that I can call in the violet flame to transmute them. But wow! No wonder folks are acting out their fears in forms of aggression. We have been subjected to such manipulation and lied to on so many levels. Now we must forgive ourselves for allowing all that has transpired and forgive all who brought these lessons to us. Our hearts know that love is the only answer to everything.

I am testifying that we are experiencing things for the collective. Our actions on the outer physical reality are only one layer of what is truly taking place. I offer myself each day as a vessel for the Creator to use for the highest good of all. (not my will but Thine be done). That includes my highest good as we can no longer create with only our own interests in mind. Unity consciousness demands oneness, win/win scenerios, for the good of all. Today I am better, walking upright, able to stand and lay down……sitting is still difficult. I spent the day quietly, lay in the sunshine streaming in the windows and watched the clouds drift by. I am embracing the notion of resisting nothing. Of accepting all with grace and gratitude. I want to move out of using my mind to express gratitude and into my heart space where I emanate gratitude. Gratitude for breathing this crystalline air, for being in a body (I do so love and honor this body for all the pain she has been through of late!) and mostly for being present for the grandest experiment of the ages, this shift into unity consciousness on planet earth. How blessed I am! I want to breathe that feeling of blessedness in and out day and night. To let go of good and bad and be present with a grateful heart for all. The back pain, the energy I am privileged to run, the beauty out the window, my friend who has cared so dearly for me, the receiving of that help.

April is the month where we are given more support to own more of our own power. Lena Stevens writes a lovely article about this at  http://www.thepowerpath.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=421:april-forecast-2012&catid=17:monthly-forecasts&Itemid=65

The sun piercing through the clouds as my own I AM presence is piercing through my ego self. Faint but glowing brighter every day!

My healer friend saw a flame of light surge out from my solar plexis and felt that this symbolized a new level of owning my power coming into play. (the solar plexus is our power center). I concurred as I am being shown more and more each day, who I truly am. It is a lot to take in and can feel overwhelming, hence my frequent bouts of tears as my personality self tries to absorb the fullness of my being that is entering in. We are alchemists, magicians, masters, goddesses, priestesses and so much more. It is time to celebrate these aspects of ourselves and open to our gifts. We each carry a piece of the puzzle from Home that will ensure that we create heaven on Earth. It is time to come together to lay our pieces on the board. So look inside your heart and see your gifts and get ready to give them to the world. Believe in the unique beauty of your gift and KNOW deep in your heart, that no one else carries your puzzle piece. And we all know how frustrating it is when the puzzle is almost complete but a piece or two is missing. All must bring their piece for the beauty to be revealed. Yes, this means you! You carry within you something so precious that none can duplicate. Isn’t that a wonder? I stand in awe of my gifts as I do yours. Let us share and create this beautiful world of peace, abundance, harmony and love for all.