Tag Archives: change

Our Sun Is Blessing Us With Change

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A lake in Maine where I attended a wedding.

A lake in Maine where I attended a wedding.

3:33 am and sleep is elusive. There have been major solar flares affecting all life on our beautiful planet. Our sun, which gives us life, is blessing us with the opportunity to live life more fully. It can feel like the opposite as our bodies struggle to adjust to the increased pressures. The past few days, I have felt that I am moving through mud. My body is so weighed down with fatigue that doing much of anything is a struggle.

I have been back home, from my recent weekend away in Maine, for a week. My small suitcase still sits in my bedroom, not yet unpacked. My laundry basket is next to it, clean clothes folded inside yet not put away. My refrigerator is full of my farm share of organic veggies and meats and yet I walked across the street to the village store and bought myself a pizza. I have had little energy to cook though I manage to put together a salad most days. My daily walking routine has fallen away. I watch the rain and sun play outside my windows as I lay on the couch and read or watch videos. I want to sit by the water or walk in the woods but it all feels like too much effort.

New Hamphire's White Mountains lighting up our drive to Maine.

New Hamphire’s White Mountains lighting up our drive to Maine.

I trust this process even while I long for more energy, more aliveness. I feel like a puppet on a string at times……animate myself for the grandkids, for my kids and then collapse completely. I choose to use what energy that comes, on these essentials. Bake cookies with my grandson rather than clean my apartment. Play dress up with my granddaughter and reenact her version of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White a dozen times rather than change my sheets. Spend time on the floor with my 10 month old grandson rather than complete a sewing project. It feels a bit feral as dishes are left in the sink, clothes in piles on the floor, closet contents spilling out as I began to reorganize only to run out of steam. This makes me uncomfortable as I like order and beauty. So I do what I can and then surrender to living with the mess until energy returns to deal with it.

I have been showing up to help my daughter pack for her upcoming move. She and my grandson are moving an hour and a half away. I will miss them both in the daily rhythm of my life. It will take more effort to spend time, no longer a ten minute walk down the road, no more meeting my grandson at his school to walk him the two minutes back to my place to play together. There will be a big space in my life where time with the two of them has been.

IMG_20240603_085705375_MPMy heart has been grieving this change. I have been a second mother to my grandson for the eight years of his life.  I have lived with him or close by him for most of these years.  My daughter divorced when he was little. She is ready to create a larger family with a new partner. He has a teenage daughter so they will each go from a unit of two to a family of four. There will be more opportunities and adjustments for all of them with this move.  But the spontaneous get togethers with family will be in the past. It will be more intentional and take more planning and effort to make it happen. The nature of time with my grandson will change. I am called to let go and trust that he will be ok, that my daughter will have the support that she needs. That my role as that major support has come to an end. This is a relief as I am weary of that role that has consumed so much of my life force and yet there is line of grief in there as well.

This is life, the grief and excitement, the sorrow and joy, the mess and order, the fatigue and the energy. Our hearts get a workout on a daily basis. I know that I am able for all of this. I know that our souls are always moving towards more experiences, more growth. I celebrate this for myself and for those I love. We are always moving towards more…..may all of our worlds grow brighter , may the ebb and flow get lighter and may love connect our hearts ever deeper.

Grouchiness

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IMG_9010Irritability, nausea, head pressure, dizziness make for a grouchy gal! My, that light flowing in is doing some excavating. It is almost 6 am and I have been awake most of the night. Intense dreams filled time asleep. Now I am sitting by the fire, watching a glowing red orb peek over the distant hills. The sky is muted purple and pinks, giving light to a soft blue. The birds are singing the sun up and I am grateful to be a witness to its rising.

IMG_8996We are on the cusp of a huge transition as a collective. We are purging the old energies of pain and despair. It can feel uncomfortable. I remind myself that it is a pattern of change that suddenly what was once tolerable, is no longer. Little things irritate beyond reason, patience is stretched thin, my entire emotional field feels fried. I feel as worn as an old piece of silk that has seen decades of wear. Any frequency that is not crystal clear, feels like an assault. Old ways of interacting leave me exhausted.

Thank goodness for nature and the walks that invite me out my door. I can regain my equilibrium and find peace. Two tiny violas have blossomed as the recent snow melted, lifting their yellow gladness to all. Two fiddlehead ferns thrust themselves above the snow to be seen and marveled over. The trees have buds that are swelling with green that I can almost sip. Some buds are white and look like tiny candle flames alight on a Christmas tree.

IMG_8996My living arrangement is soon to change and I feel it reverberate on the inner and outer world. It is personal to me, yet reflects what we are all about to step into. Newness on levels we cannot comprehend. All we can do, is show up. Whether in our grumpiness, our joy, our sorrow….all of it is called out. We are asked to get clear about who we are and what we desire. Only then can we live in peace. Not the peace that we have known, rather sovereign peace where we stand each moment in truth, each breath conscious as it flows out and draws in. May we be gentle with ourselves and one another as we walk these days. We will look back and know what strength it took and be glad of our hearts so pure.

Ah, here she comes! The sun cresting the hillside. Blazing her light on one and all. We are blessed.

Adjusting to the New

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The new is new! Imagine that! There is no pattern, no routines, no predictability, no a+b=c. It is all new. Our humanness has been entrained to patterns, to habits, to practices as ways of orienting ourselves in this world. We have sought to tether ourselves through these anchor points in order to feel safe, to feel held. Now the game has changed and we must change with it. Our Mother Earth has decided to be more of herself, radiate more of her true starry being. As we are a part of her, we are given the opportunity to follow her lead. As a mother, she does not demand, rather nudges and suggests that this might be the path of ease and grace. Yet, if we decide to head towards the thorny path, she allows that too.

Mermaid self knows how to flow.

Mermaid self knows how to flow.

What does the new look like? Yesterday is a good example. After a number of days of regular exercise, it was a rest day, no exercise. Yesterday I wrote that it had been years since I had exercised in such a way, but I recalled in the middle of the night, that I had exercised each morning last spring with my roommate in Mount Shasta. I asked my body, ” Wait, is this simply a spring energy that I am feeling?” No, she told me it was the new energies surging through and spring added its impetus. During my awake period last night, my mind parroted the phrase, “It takes 21 days to form a habit. Now you have to start counting all over.” Really? Oh my, so interesting to watch the thoughts that attempted to catch my attention. I laughed at that, and said,  ” I am not trying to form a habit. I am flowing with the now.” We have been trained to view ourselves as good or bad, worthy or not worthy by external criteria: if I exercise every day, I am good. If I eat this, I am bad. The new requires a letting go of self judgment. Can we be good with what is? Can we allow our bodies to lead? Can we trust ourselves?

That truly is the bigger question, do I trust me? Do I honor my own guidance? Do I take responsibility for my life? Do I trust my voice above all others? Can I take all of it in and sing a song of gratitude for who I am and how I flow in this world?

IMG_3032When we sense that change is upon us, a friend and I do a card reading with an old deck from the seventies, The Stargate deck. I asked what the prime energy was for me in this next three months period. Once again, the cards spoke such wisdom and truth. Of course, I chose the cards and their placement, eyes closed, hand allowed its knowing as it picked each one. It showed that the seeker is behind me as is the death process. I was in a tunnel for years, focused on the inner initiations, taking me deeper and deeper into my core. I felt the sense of celebration and joy as I have reached that center space deep in the earth and myself. The new focus is of a cherry! All of life holds sweetness to be savored. The sun is shining, the sea glistening and I am experiencing that radiant light. Frantic paddling like a duck is no longer needed. Rather, the mirror radiates my beauty and light into the world as I see myself as that light. I am the star of laughter, the player in this realm. I now have the perspective to see further, wider, deeper  so as to know the patterns of perfection swirling beneath it all. The top card, the issue is the dancer. I saw myself dancing on this earth, with each step, I was flowing liquidlovelight and rose light. I saw the earth moving and flowing, volcanos and earthquakes. I saw my dancing steps assisting, along with others, to mitigate the force, allowing the most ease possible. I saw September rise up and part like a wave and a new firmament appear. I saw myself greeting family from inner earth and the multiverse as we rejoiced in earth freed from her traumatic past, and ourselves with her.

Have loved this piece in the art museum in San Francisco.

Have loved this piece in the art museum in San Francisco.

My role, in this now, to dance in that frequency of the new with all of my heart and passion. I love this role! I am to be more present, more visible in my dancing form. For weeks, I have been claiming my dancing self, a vision and dream from childhood come full circle. Get ready folks, new roles are opening up and it takes strength to experience the joy fully. We can live this, it is our birthright. Hallelujah!

Being Blown Out of Our Comfort Zones Into the New

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The wind blowing through the palms.

The wind blowing through the palms.

I awoke to howling winds and sunshine. Palm fronds crashing down, pots overturned and the restless wind, pausing and then surging about me. The new moon occurs in two days time but its energy is already making itself known….,and how! This re-birthing is serious business and none are escaping its effects. The wind is a gift, seeking to take all that we are willing to release. If ever there was a time to let go, it is now. I am so appreciative of the elementals and the way that they work with us, for our highest good. My nervous system does not like the wind but my soul is standing with arms outstretched, saying, “Cleanse me, sweep me clean, take all the dross and hear my gratitude!”

The astrology reports that I read this week pointed to this being at time of getting out of our comfort zones, a grand game of musical chairs about to commence as our chairs are pulled from under us and we must move to find a new seat. Our fears come up and part of us wants to cling to the familiar, believing it offers safety. The only safety is to be found in our hearts, resting with our Creator. All else is an illusion. We are spiritual beings, evolution is our game. We love musical chairs! We desire to move and grow. We might need to remind ourselves of this but when we feel into our hearts, we know it is true.

I sense that we have new orders burning holes in our pockets. We are feeling the tension as the signal for ripping open the envelope is about to be given. We know we will find our directions; where to go, whom to meet, what our new roles will be. I sense a quantum leap for all humanity is close at hand. It makes us restless like the wind outside, moving through the branches in waves that seem almost angry at times. We are ready, we have prepared. We have cleared, let go, faced our demons, studied and grown. Now it comes down to trust. Trusting divine timing, trusting ourselves to act when called, trusting the light to reveal the reality of love about us.

A butterfly that was taking its morning drink as i was cutting a lilac bouquet.

A butterfly that was taking its morning drink as i was cutting a lilac bouquet.

I was shown once again the beautiful weaving that takes place with everything that comes into my world. I stepped out of my comfort zone the other night to watch the Matrix movie with my son and his girlfriend. They had been suggesting it for months and each time I said, “I am not ready.” I am a Pollyanna type gal, and watching violence is not in my comfort zone. The day had arrived when I said yes. I spent about half the movie shielding my eyes under a blanket yet absorbed it. There was one scene I looked up in time to have imprinted within. Neo, the hero is being shot at by dozens of bullets. He holds out his hand and says, “NO, no more.” The bullets stop before they reach him, his command in action. He chose to no longer engage, to neutralize the energy directed at him. He had found his power.

I was on the inner planes, doing some support work for a friend who had called out for help with a negative force she felt was attacking her through one she knew. As I was enfolding her in love, strengthening her communion with that knowing, and doing the same for the one she had been engaged with, I suddenly felt the energy of Neo in that moment from the film. I saw the illusion of anything but love, the separation that it caused. I knew myself as love in every cell of my being. I knew that any force in the universe that stood opposed to this love, would be melted by the flame of love that was flowing through my heart. I knew that all that appeared dark or destructive, was seeking to be enfolded in this love. It was immensely powerful. I grew in stature and breathed flames of love, my red dragon flowing her fiery nature through me. At the same time, my breasts experienced the let down feeling of nursing as the Mother’s milk of love released in me. We are wondrous beings!

I loved this sign at the park exit, the crude graffiti with the beauty of the lupines someone dropped on top. We are being asked to go forward, our tires will be slashed on the grate if we try to back up.

I loved this sign at the park exit, the crude graffiti with the beauty of the lupines someone dropped on top. We are being asked to go forward, our tires will be slashed on the grate if we try to back up.

As this energy of expansion flows through, there is the contraction contained within. I am having to calm my body and personality self that have enjoyed the comfort of a home these past six months. They are not thrilled about traveling and figuring where to be and how to get to the next place. It was my life for over three years and my nervous system is saying, “We are a nester! What are you thinking with this moving about again?” I soothe her, say, “There there, little one, it shall be ok.” My soul feels the expansion to come as I am daily undergoing preparations in my heart to be the purest chalice that I can. I am letting go of the Linda Marie that I have come to know and love. Dropping the old robes to don the garments of light that await me. This is true for all of us. We visualize the future based on what we have known yet we are stepping into uncharted territory. We are the wayshowers, we are making this up as we go along. I breathe in and find that courage in my chest and let it roar through me. I AM here. I offer myself to this path. I AM fearless. And most of all, I AM ready. We will meet up after we cross the threshold…..that crossing is done alone, none can do it for us. Once through, the lives of our dreams await our creation.

I see you shining there, tears of joy streaming down our faces as we embrace in our new land. We will know that we have succeeded in bringing heaven to earth. I can hear the trumpets now and feel the crowns being placed on our heads. This is who we are. This is why we came. To open this portal for all to step through. What a privilege. What joy. I love you all. Espavo!

 

Attuning to Nature’s Rhythm

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Last night, sleep eluded me for a time as my mind wound down from the energies of the day. I began to think of the rhythm of nature and how she is always teaching me through her example how to be in life. It is winter here in Northern California. I am following that energy by drawing more inward, craving fires and warm food. My inner earth dweller wants root vegies baked in the oven, warm cookies and hot drinks. No wonder I felt out of synch in Hawaii! My body knew it was to be wintertime, though it was an inward journey that I took there with my friend. I did not do the vacation activities associated with the islands.

It amazes me how we can live with nature all around yet not see the clues she leaves for us, until suddenly we do! While in Hawaii, camping on the shore, we moved our tent after the first night, seeking to be as close to the cliff edge as we could. We had laughed as we picked up our tent, carrying it in its open state, to the next site. “We are moving to our new home!” It was so easy and fun. I have been thinking how nature is always in the process of change. Whereas we have forgotten what that means. We find a home and settle in. We begin to accumulate things, beliefs, relationships and find ourselves locked in density. We are no longer free to move like the wind or shed our skin like the snake as we have become hardened in place with our jobs, our roles, our beliefs. We join a religious organization and stay locked into those beliefs, We stay in family dynamics long after we have outgrown them. After all, our family of origin is often the training wheels that we arranged for until we could navigate on our own, At such time, we are to drop them and ride free but for the most part, we do not. We hold to everything with almost a religious fervor rather than taking our cue from nature and allowing ourselves the freedom to flow. We stay stuck in traditions that we have outgrown, think of how the holidays are weighted with expectations of how we are to act rather than allowing who we now are, to set the desired scene.

We can allow the waters of life to rush past us, bending and shaping us into new forms.

It is our nature to flow and evolve. Mankind has become stuck in this density, believing it to be solid and real. We can allow people to flow in and out of our lives without attachment. Some relationships are meant to be short, some are long term. All are there for our growth. One is not better than another, they simply are. We do not have to stay because society tells us that you must love your mother when your mother is no longer someone with whom you resonate. There does not have to be judgment or blame, she is wrong, I am right. There is only the resonance of energies, does this fit who I am today? We are asked to honor ourselves by aligning with what fits in the moment. The butterfly does not seek to return to the cocoon, it knows that its path lays in flying free in the air, not lying entombed in the confines of the cocoon. Yet that is what we are programmed to do, stay in the confines so that we do not  fly free and discover our own beauty and power. 

We can allow possessions to change hands. What I need as a single woman is very different from what was needed as a mother and wife. Yet how many of us, let go of all that clutter and stuff and lighten our households, or change our residence to a smaller one. We can give ourselves the freedom to feel what is right for us in this moment of time. Perhaps the house that grew children remains the perfect place for grandchildren or a place to invite others in to live as I am witnessing happening. New configurations being formed from economic necessity.As a society, things are breaking down to help us evolve.  All this is movement, is allowing change and growth though it may manifest as suffering in the old model. Again, it is perspective. Many are having to reinvent themselves and find a freedom in letting go of jobs that no longer fit, even if the letting go is scary and not consciously chosen. Often, we create change in our lives,  that from our conscious smaller self, we would not have chosen. I played victim to circumstances in my life that I now view as life saving rather than life ending. How grateful I am to now be a conscious co-creator of my reality with my higher self. I trust always that she is showing me the shortcut home, whether my rational mind can understand it or not.

As we allow possessions to flow in and out, we discover that there is so much stuff in the world! I have begun noticing how things show up when I express a need or desire. As my son returned my car keys to me, a couple fell off the flimsy keyring. I thought, I need to look for a sturdy one so that I do not lose a key. Later that day, one that had been mine years ago showed up and it suited me perfectly! Small thing but the more I acknowledge and appreciate how the universe is caring for me, the more caring I receive!

Beliefs are another area that we get caught in. We were trained to see the world as black and white, shades of gray were not available. We can allow ourselves to contradict ourselves, try on new ideas, drop beliefs that no longer fit. Others may try to put you back in the former belief box as your changing can feel threatening to their way of seeing the world. There is a sense that the black and white box is a place of safety. Yet in truth, it is a form of enslavement as we allow ourselves to be manipulated by the powers that were. (Yes, were, as the old order is crashing down.)

A friend wrote the following to me and it spoke so deeply to my heart. She is an artist and I think a poet as well. She has given me permission to share this: 

sometimes i am overwhelmed with my good fortune – to be alive, to be able to think and act and make choices, to see the sky brighten as dawn arrives,  to love the earth, pachamama, to know she is perfection and i am a part of her.  i am so blessed to have had this wisdom come to me.  and when my dying time comes, i know I will know how to do this – even with the fear.
But it really is time for me to bring my energies inward, to have at least some years before my next great passing to study nurture and love, recognize, appreciate and enjoy all my uniquenesses – and then to release this too – i am not done with myself yet – i want to know so much more about how i am and how i work and to sit in the dappling sun, to watch another season pass over the gardens, feel the winds lifting away the debris of my carcass, to watch those coils from and to mother loosen and fall flaccid to the ground.  ahhhhh – yes i am still breathing!

With that, I leave you and enter this misty morning.