Tag Archives: creating

Neither Here Nor There

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IMG_8728After a few days of warmer temperatures that saw a gradual melting of the snow around me, I awoke to a gentle mixture of snowy rain coming down. Not sure what form it was to take, it came down in a mixture of the two. Nature has been reflecting my moods so accurately. I have been in a flat place, standing still, no idea of who I am as there is no firmament under my feet. This week, as the sun shone with warmth, I walked with bare feet through patches of snow to land on earth, that gave as the thaw worked its wonders. All is in flux. Am I snow or am I rain? Am I sunshine or a mist gently hugging the ground? I shapeshift with the weather.

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

I observe my life with an appreciative eye and grateful heart, yet it is with dispassion. Removed by layers as life continues its flow around me, like a rock standing in a stream as the spring melt rushes past. In the stream, yet apart. I reach for sugar, toast, comfort in baking cookies and sitting by the fire, staying up late to read books that carry me away in their stories.  Some part of me waiting, sensing the magic to come, other parts too tired, too worn to touch into the feelings of future. The past has come in blips of intense feeling where some situation where I felt shame or censor arises full force like a shock to my body, only to recede as quickly as it appeared. Strange aches and pains arise for a moment or a day, only to recede from whence they came. Our bodies, throwing off lifetimes of suffering in these twitches, moving from denseness to seek the light of love.

The present most fully felt as I rock my sleeping grandbaby, breathing in her sweetness as our hearts twine in love with the starry realms that she retreats to. No thought, no needs, simply my foot pushing against the floor to keep us in that hypnotic state of surrender. Neither here nor there, a space of peace and calm.

Then there is the opposite expression as my five year old grandson invites me into his fort, assigns me my role in his never ending imagination, playing Peter Rabbit or Thumper Two or anyone of his menagerie of stuffed animals. He runs off to drive his tractor or dump truck into the fray, I set the blocks and he calls out commands. There is wrestling and jumping and movement aplenty. Ready, set, action!

IMG_8783We are to move in a few weeks as our rental house is being sold. It has been a gracious landing place as we moved from California to this Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. A year to get a feel for a rural life, a deeper connection to the land through the sharper lens of distinct seasons. The new place, the homestead is loosely tethered through a piece of paper with signatures. Older owners down South, the place full of three decades of life that they must come to dismantle as grandchildren call them to a new area and life. Our departure date looming, yet their leave taking timetable in their hands, not ours. This is the now….resting in this lovely farmhouse that has held us close, feeling the push to the next spot, seeing it shimmering ahead, yet the bridge from here to there is not built.

Moments of panic, what is the plan B if this should not come to pass? A houseful of stuff and four bodies to house, no easy rentals or spaces to find in this rural environment. Living in the deep surrender and trust that all will flow. Deep breaths as I recall that there is only now to live. Letting the questions and concerns come and letting them go. The hows, the whens, the desire to build the bridge to our future yet knowing I can only build it in my heart and trust it will find its form in the physical in divine timing.

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Highland cattle with its shaggy coat that is well suited to this clime.

The family is all here, nine hearts connected to a dream, a template of beauty and love that is ours to anchor. I know the dream so well as I am the dreamer, the vision keeper. Ahead, in the realm of day to day,  there is the moving from this place to that….fifteen minutes down the hill and up a steeper one. Boxes, trucks, lifting….we moved in big trucks across the country, a household reduced and rearranged here. Now a smaller old farmhouse in need of renovation and expansion to hold us. The hows of it all, I cannot feel. How does it all come into form? How is it transformed into a light filled space of grace and beauty that we can live in? Wells and septic systems….new elements to contend with. The land itself invites me with its woods and creek and park like meadow set in a bowl of earth. A fairy like setting that is expansive and restful. A container that calls for an expansive dream to play out. The love pod with its cottages and gardens, with its laughter and music, fire pit and hammocks, gatherings of joy. All awaiting physical form.

Onion seedlings on their way....awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

Onion seedlings on their way….awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

A decade ago, I told my son that we would not need moving boxes and trucks to shift from our apartment in San Francisco as I thought that it would all happen with a blink of my eye. He laughed and arranged for our move in the old way… “just in case, mom”. Of course, it was needed then and perhaps it will be again in this now. I feel it so solidly, the abilities to create with our hearts, with a thought, with a sweep of my hand or a tone from my voice, to make desires take form, to create and uncreate through intention and attention. I know that I am to live this. May it be soon!

Spring looms with sparkles and light…..as the snow flurries thicken and drift down with a weight to their form now. I sit with the fire inside, letting its warmth soothe me. All is well, all is weaving a tapestry of love to hold us. May it be for all of us, a spring of renewal and magic. A spring to remember in days to come as the new beginning.

 

Filling Myself With Light

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IMG_2496 I felt such a shift in the energies the past couple of days. I slept for most of one day, pulled under over and over again. I was a cat on the floor, following the sun shining in the back glass doors with my pillow and blanket. I was close to the warmth of the fire, getting up every now and again to throw on another log, fetch a glass of water, take a bathroom break,  and move my pillow up a bit so the sun was on my face. I knew that my job was to fill myself up with as much light as I could. I did venture outside to sit for a bit, wrapped in a warm sweater but the elements were too extreme for the way I was feeling. I was a tender babe, needing the utmost comfort. It felt like all I could do to maintain this routine throughout the day. Breathe in light, radiate it to the earth and out to the grid. Over and over. I was a battery being charged. I was birthing a sun in me.

The day before I had participated in a healing of a young woman who had suffered a great deal of abuse in some of the imaginative ways the divine feminine has been defiled. She carried an entity that needed to be released back to the light. That was interesting as the energy was so different from my former dealings with entities. I no longer held any negative judgment towards the entity, rather saw it as something that had become stuck in an old pattern and needed a loving hand to assist its movement forward. We acknowledged the role it had played for this woman, thanked it and sent it on its way with love. It moved with ease and gratitude back to its rightful home. My friend’s crystal bowls do amazing work in clearing so much from the body and energy fields. We added sound which aids in the movement. This woman was so full of light. She had endured much in her young life, and was ready to turn it all into a new story of love and strength. What amazing souls are on this planet! She came to do huge work and it was lovely to be able to acknowledge that for her and reassure her that the pain was now past. It will never be as hard, as dense again. We are creating a world that will be safe for women and children. It is coming by the choices we each make to flood all with love.

If we can create places of safety that this deer enjoys in the nature center where I walk, we can create a world that is safe for women and children. In fact, for all sentient beings!

I was shown how all that comes in my field now is for the collective. We truly are becoming one. I can listen dispassionately to tales at the denser end of the spectrum and hold it all in a space that allows the love to be reborn. I was lying on the floor, filling myself with light to send into all the places that this young woman had highlighted for me. She opened a river of experience that was ripe for transformation. I could feel this frequency clearly from her and was able to ride into that field of energy with my liquidlovelight. What a gift. It demands all of my attention and a focused intention to hold a container that allows love to weave its magic threads. It creates such a healing fabric, a soft pink blanket of peace. To wrap the perpetrators as well as the ones we would label victims in the old vocabulary. Now, we know that all are co-creators, choosing to experience dense energies in order to transform them. The ones who commit the acts of abuse are so in need of the power of love and on a soul level have volunteered to play out this darker role. I blessed them all for their service to the collective. As we clear our energy fields of all hatred, pain, anger, worry, frustration and so much more, we make these darker roles obsolete. When we no longer carry any of this violence and hatred in our fields, peace will flood the land.

IMG_2512The underpinnings of the old earth have been swept away as this great surge of love has anchored into and on the planet. What remains is held in place by our attention to it. It appears solid yet it is as ephemeral as smoke. As we wean ourselves from the lower vibrations and the matrix reality we have lived in, it will collapse. There is no fixing the old systems, as they provide no worthy foundation to build upon. We are tasked with creating the new by our dreaming, our intention and our focused attention on what we desire. Whatever we focus on, is what we choose to have grow. We are entering a time of great freedom and joy. With it comes great responsibility. Our thoughts are creative, each word spoken a vessel of energy. It is a time to chose and act wisely. Everything done in love, creates a field of love. We can wash our dishes in a state of love,  pay for what we need in a state of gratitude for the abundance in our lives, thank our mother for each drink of water and bite of food that her ground has grown.  Each thought of love, each word spoken in kindness, each action of compassion, creates our new earth. This is what we came to do and the time has truly arrived. There is no more waiting. Let us begin.

 

Allowing my Feelings to Flow Fully

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I continue to marvel at the way life brings to us exactly what we need, when we need it. I look back at all the years that I lived my life trying to orchestrate events through my mind. I was not able to accept life as it presented itself to me. I attempted to control how others should act, to control my feelings, tamping them down in the mistaken belief that life would be easier that way. I believed that I would be happy if a set of circumstances that I held to, came to be. I spent a great deal of time and energy opposing what was, in an attempt to create my own version of the magic lands.

I love the fierceness and wildness of some of the Maori images. They are expressing truth.

And lo, and behold……I am living in those very magic lands these days. I arrive more fully each day as I begin my day with a surrender to my higher self, Sophia, to be in the driver’s seat. I put all my trust in her, which of course, is myself. I trust me completely. I trust the benevolent nature of this universe. I trust Creator. From this place of trust, I observe everything that comes into my world. The energies are becoming much clearer in vibration and tone. I watch the interplay, hear the music that is being sung. There is only one tone that captures my attention these days. It is the tone of love. I want to listen to it, broadcast it, be bathed in it, sing it with others in conversation and silence. I hear it underneath all other tones, asking to be heard and amplified through my heart. The tones of love are what make up this world of ours.

Love resides in everything. It is the most freeing of feelings as we are born to love. We are love! I am feeling the freedom of loving all of life. It is a fiery feeling, the intensity is immense. I used to be afraid of my feelings, of the power of love that I felt coursing through me. Society taught me this from a young age. I felt too much, I wanted too much, I was too much. We were taught that you could not love freely, it was reserved for certain people in certain times. We were taught that you must love your parents, even if they were awful to you. We were taught that you could not love someone if they were in a relationship with another. We were taught to mistrust others of our own sex, that they were competition for the scarce commodity of love that was out there. We were taught that our feelings were dangerous and were to be hidden from others to the point where we hid them from ourselves.

In doing so, we have allowed the shadowlands to grow in size and scope. We are a society riddled with addictions, fearful of owning our truth, fearful of being seen. We have lost the ability to see others as we have not been able to fully see ourselves. We have been taught to shine out our bright side, to hide any sign of weakness as our enemies might use it against us. We have created an us vs them world. Yet, there is only us….one people on planet earth. One tribe, the tribe of many colors, the rainbow tribe. It is time to take off the masks and uncover the truth of ourselves. It is truth that what we judge in another is a part of ourselves needing love.

I have just finished reading, The Flaming Serpent by Aine Armour. Here are some of her words that resonated deeply in my heart:

“You must be honest with your feelings. You must allow yourself to feel them. They are the language of your own soul speaking to you…So often humans judge their feelings as wrong and so they suppress them, repress them. The feelings do not go away. They go into the body, into the energy system and continue to create-feelings create.  They are the juice of creation, the water of life. If they are repressed and unacknowledged they begin to create the shadow of the feeling they originated from….It is not the feeling that causes harm, it is what we do with the feeling that can cause harm.”

We fear the flame with its dying, forgetting it unleashes the seed of the new. In every death, exists the rebirth.

I so enjoy uncovering another belief that I have been unconsciously living by. I love the freedom that comes as I dismantle the lie and allow myself to breathe fully in the open space now at hand. I AM LOVE! This I know in all of me. I can allow myself to feel this love fully in all of its aspects. I can use my discernment as to when and how to act upon my feelings as they show up in my world. Who in this world has enough love? Who would not be grateful to know that they are loved? We have so limited our version of love. If it be for someone of the opposite sex, we bring sex into the equation. We do not trust ourselves to love deeply for fear we may cause harm to another. Yet, it is our intention that is all. I intend no harm come from my love. My love is a cosmos and we limit it to a physical expression that is the tip of the iceberg. We are taught that romantic love is all with its erotic charge that quickly grows stale. We are taught the sanctity of the parent- child relationship without allowing it the freedom to be more or less than that.

Love is to be fully felt, fully given in each moment. We can look into another’s eyes for a moment and exchange lifetimes of love. There is such a blessing in this for both parties. I am learning to love so fully that I no longer hold anyone or thing that I love. I bring all of me to each moment, allowing the love to flow in a continuous stream from my heart. I am free to bathe all of it in my love. I recognize no limits nor confines for this love. It flows in a never ending stream from Creator to my heart. My chalice which I offer anew each day to my Mother/Father, is filled with a radiant stream of liquidlovelight that overflows from my heart to yours. I am a conduit for love. I am the stream of love. I am infilled with love. The wonder of this!

I used to hold it in my heart, even close off my heart from receiving what my Mother/Father freely gave. I used my mind to decide where the love should go, who was deserving of my love. I gave time and again from an empty cup as I did not believe myself deserving of love. I felt flawed, damaged. If I expressed any emotion but love, I crawled into the shadows of the cave of shame where no light entered. Anger sent me there, impatience was a pass to the cave. I judged myself harshly and meted out punishment without mercy. Talk about an executioner! Whew, I wielded that sword with a vengence. Each time I crawled out of the cave, determined to be love, to walk in light, to take the high road in all situations. Each time an emotion other than love rose up in me, I took myself to the cave, asked for the nails to be hung on the cross of shame and guilt. My self loathing grew with my rage. My former hubby used to say that he was a good guy 26 days out of the month, but watch out for those other few days. That was when the illusion broke and the moon in her wisdom, drew forth the fiery truth of my soul. I would find myself raging, as feelings stuffed all month long, came pouring out in a violent cascade. They came to teach me, to ask for honoring. I would respond with horror and as my hormones settled, I would stuff them back into the recesses of the cave and place myself at the entrance, setting guard so that they would never see the light of day. 26 days later, they would overwhelm me once again and make their escape into my outer world. I suffered, those around me suffered their wrath. The remorse, the incrimination would enter in and the cycle continued its mad merry go round.

Part of a Nicholas Roerich painting that was a wedding gift eons ago. I have always loved this image of a man sitting on a mountaintop, tending the fire of his heart.

Eventually, I went deep enough into the darkness that I longed only to stay there. That is when I discovered a flame inside of me that illumined a truth. It told me that I was good, that I was love, that I was lovable. By holding to that flame, allowing it to burn within, I found my way out of the cave. I live in a state of grace and peace these days. I feel every feeling that comes my way, fully and completely. I can feel anger without spewing it at another or myself. I did not know how to do that before. I accept all that triggers me as my own, not looking to another to be the cause of my feelings. I thank each person that flips a trigger in me as it allows me to let go the charge. Once fully felt and met, triggers disappear. No one taught me this. I have learned to use my voice to express whatever feeling is present. It is the quickest way that I have found to move energy. I identify where the feeling is in my body and allow the sound it is holding to come out. I do not judge if it is a pretty sound or a grating sound, a groaning or a whining or a keening. All is welcome to be expressed. I tone until the space is clear and empty. I then use my voice to infill that space with my Mother/Father’s presence of love. I ask Sophia to more fully inhabit that space, to love it completely. I know of someone who had cervical cancer. She realized that the cancer grew in the place where she had not fully loved herself. The space she had not fully occupied. Nature abhors a vacuum. I wish to occupy my whole self, this beautiful body which works so hard to hold my light and points out to me where the darkness is that is seeking release through the tones of love. Our bodies know all! They are the wisdom keepers. Ask and you will be shown where you are unaware, where vacuums exist, where cobwebs have been allowed to grow. How many of us have parts of our body that we think unkind thoughts to; “I hate my butt, my shoulder is a pain, my breasts are too small…” The litany goes on. Our body is our friend, seeking love as we are. We can speak to it with tenderness, gift it with what it needs rather than what our minds tells us is the latest news as to how to treat it. We are unique and there is no one size fits all treatment for our bodies though society would have us believe it. We would rather see a doctor and take a pill than take the time to listen to our body. It will tell us exactly what it needs to be a healthy container for us, but we must become able to translate its thoughts. We do this by engaging our senses in the subtle realms of spirit.

We are all looking for permission to feel without judgment.  I give you that permission this day. In doing so, feeling everything that shows up in our world, we begin to know ourselves. And what beauty is there, waiting to be seen! Claim it! I love you.

 

 

Feelings of Thanksgiving in the Air

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I drove home from Thanksgiving grocery shopping and saw this view. My eyes welled up with tears as I felt such love for San Francisco, the low cloud bank that was illuminated by the setting sun, radiant in its depths, the cables for the electric buses, the buildings on top of each other……all of it seemed so dear. I love this city. I prayed for the city of divine love to be made manifest over this city and for the love and peace to permeate everything and everyone. I have let go of when and how but I have the knowing that it will come and that a huge part of my being is engaged in bringing it to fruition.


The past few days saw me falling back into old ways. I went through a scarcity fear as the numbers of my bank account fell below the figure my mind registers as comfort. That led to the old doing model…what can I do to make money? It has been a long time since I worked and brought abundance flowing in rather than flowing out. I have used these past years to allow a new relationship with money, seeing it as energy. I have enjoyed using it to support my kids, to support friends’ work as healers or artists, to explore new ventures and landscapes for myself. I had abundance from my half of the house from the marriage days. I chose not to own anything and rather enjoy the energy of the money in ways that brought me more joy. The thing that I forgot for a day or two was that we can no longer create in the new energy in the way that we did in the old. I knew how to make abundance in the old model, work hard and if that does not work, work harder! The new energies of creation are different. It is about following our bliss and trusting the universe to provide the abundant flow. It is about less action and more feeling. We have to feel the feeling that we want to experience, visualize it and let it go. Then wait for inspired action to manifest and follow it when it arises. There has been nothing in the old 9-5 way of working that interests me at all. The educational system as it stands, must fall away. I know that the new coming in will have a place for me as a teacher once again. Until then…

I am enjoying my art making. I have an idea for a body of work that I can then pitch to a gallery for a show. I would also like to begin to use my sound healing in some manner though I have to get over my aversion to the word, healer. I believe that everyone is a healer, the healer of themselves. And there are those who are gifted with healing hands and energy that can provide amazing assistance. My knowing has been that I am a teacher, known that since I was three years old. Knew it as my dharma. So…that term totally resonates and healer feels foreign to me. I asked for assistance last night before sleep and awoke in the middle of the night with the words, Heart Whisperer echoing in my ear. That is what I am to print on a business card. Been a long time since I have had one of those! I see that I could begin to offer services as one who listens to someone’s story, then reflects back the beauty of their heart (oh, this gets me so excited as my prayer each day is for every person to awaken to the beauty that they are). I would then allow whatever sounds chose to come through me to work with the energies that needed releasing or anchoring. I am ready to be more out in the world and to work with others. I like the idea of setting my own schedule and being able to do sessions in

person or through skype. There arises the fear…do I have what it takes to help anyone? Wonder if it does nothing? I read an article recently that said it is time to step out on faith and trust that your spiritual gifts will be given as they are called for.We have to take the leap and know that we will be caught. I know that I can see the beauty in others’ hearts, it is second nature to me and I know that there are times that I need others to reflect my own beauty back to me to truly see it. I can do this, I can be wonderful at this.Wait a minute, I AM wonderful at this! It is the thing that I am most passionate about..heart light, liquid love light. Those words fill my consciousness. I passed this passion flower on my walk today, its brilliant purple essence and its starburst of gold..yum! I am a passionflower of love!

I think that the Thanksgiving energies are here already. I am feeling so thankful for everything today and the world reflected it back to me. I had a call from a friend tearfully expressing her gratitude that I am in her life (gave me the opportunity to express the same sentiments back to her as she has been my elder sister in so many ways), my son brought me a cup of tea as I lay in bed this morning (bliss! He is an angel), I had delightful interactions with a number of the other shoppers at the grocery store (there was a feeling of excitement and joy that permeated the store), I added coconut to my standard oatmeal, chocolate chip, walnut, orange cookies, packed some for my daughter and her boyfriend for their Thanksgiving camping trip and received a text, “World’s best cookies!”. I arranged some new flowers and drank in their beauty. Blessings abounding.

I feel excited, energized, full of creative ideas. I am so appreciative as it has been some time. Even my body wants to move! Hurrah! The past couple of mornings I have danced to this song: The Long Time Sun by Snatam Kaur on utube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5tJvY_P9vg&NR=1 and it made my heart dance with my body. Joy!