Tag Archives: death

Observations On The New Year’s Energies

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An unusual ET Buddha found sitting in the dark woods.

An unusual ET Buddha found sitting in the dark woods.

It has been an interesting step into this new year. It began with newness and excitement as I sensed a large opening ahead as I heard a doorway closing behind me. Not softly, but with a clang as it shut. I sensed this for the collective and for me personally as the choice point of the Solstice had been passed. It seemed that the past seven years journey of playing at the wandering mystic had come to an end. I had the sense that I would be able to “be in the world” in a new way. My heart quickened with that thought and my curiosity was piqued as to what that might look like.

It was not a pretty sight! It took me once again to the underworld, to a further dissolution of self. I felt dreamy most of the time, floating along, frequently having adjustment seconds where I reoriented myself to myself. There were moments of sheer joy mingled with an unknowing that left me unhinged.

The other day I took a nap and as it came time to return to my body, I could not find it. I was in a dreamscape of billowing curtains, pushing them aside as I searched for the right body to return to. It was an uncomfortable sensation. I landed in with a shudder and awoke with no idea where I was nor who I was. An apt description of my current state.

Standing at the portal, ready!

Standing at the portal, ready!

I sense this larger, richer, more vibrant life awaiting me. All the chapters have been read and I am awaiting the new one. I sense deeper colors, more intimate connections, physical passion, natural beauty that enlivens and creates with us. Yet I am in this space, a bridge perhaps between spaces, no handrails, no place to place your foot until you actually take the step. Confusion energies swirl like angry bees about me, causing teary despair to envelop me. Will I totter to my death from this space? Do I fear this dissolution of self? There have been so many deaths. I do not fear it, yet I can find no comfort anywhere.

Each step has its own flavor. I sense that events are transpiring to pull reaction energy from us: guilt, anger, depression, sadness, the list goes on. They flare up, white hot. Is it to see how quickly we can let go of judgment of self around our reactions? Can we love the part of us that reacts in sadness, fatigue, anger? Can we be with these feelings without fleeing? Can we accept ourselves in all of our moments, loving every part of the tapestry of self?

Redwood, burnt out yet the brilliant green moss so alive.

Redwood, burnt out yet the brilliant green moss so alive.

Perhaps all this must take place before we reach the new shore. Emptied, all bits shaken loose. The lint and crumbs hidden in pockets tossed out on the surface to be seen, acknowledged. Every bit asking to be loved back to its truth as love.

I did some deep clearing, ancient energies working against one dear to me, whose intention is to bring in community in the new frequencies. It was making him ill, pulled under so that he could find no traction. The energy responded to the mother’s love, softening, loosening and accepting it was time to return to its own home. The old anger was not there for me, more of a redirection, like with a wayward child.

Playing the bowl in the redwoods.

Playing the bowl in the redwoods.

Another day, a friend and I were doing a card reading for the new year. It is an old system, from the seventies called Stargate,  that takes a couple of hours, going deep with its images and words, calling forth gems from the subconscious. This time was new as we had to stop and use our crystal bowls to clear energies that arose in the reading. At one point, I found myself chanting in a way that made the hair stand up on my neck. Catholic priests, satanic rituals, images floated through in rapid succession, as my voice sang their intentions. Light language followed that rent the air with its shattering power. It was like sword blades swinging in its intensity. Then the bowls’ song of peace and love, gathering it all up. I could not tell you what it was all about but it followed this theme of energies outside the bounds of what we consider good and acceptable, coming to the surface to be seen. To be loved, to be returned to Source for recycling. Ha, think of recycling our mental and emotional stuff into living light. How wonderous is that?

The where of housing my form has yet to appear. No place lighting up, no direction given. All like ash in my mouth as my mind scrambled in its old way, searching, searching. Bringing me closer to the edge, closer to emptiness. I was harsh in my judgment of self as it seems the simplest of things…decide on a place, commit to rent it, find things to furnish it. Or take the furnished sublet route……yet for me, neither  is easy. My sensitivity is off the charts, everything is felt, registered. Nature is the place where I breathe free. Otherwise, the discordant notes play through me from a piece of furniture, a jammed space, corners that feel too sharp. I desire to land in, begin this newness yet the timing is not quite here. There is still this misty landscape to navigate as my spirit flies amongst the stars, playing chords with frequencies, aligning, harmonizing. So little attention remaining for the body and its animation. Everything in me desires to dive deep into the silence, to fly free in the universe within. The outer world feels like distraction pulling at me. I know it is where I  intend to land, with all of myself, all of my divinity brought to bear to create anew.

See how the dark defines the light.

See how the dark defines the light.

Surrender, once again. Trust, my byword. I am here in love, for love. Dreaming my vision of the world I wish to live in. At times I feel I have outlived my life, yet this spark of creation desires animation. Desires form. Divine timing rules. Open, allow, trust. In that trusting, I honor my path. As I see others about me stepping into new creations, finding their loves, their homes, their passions, and I am living in a flat land of greys…….I trust my path. I agreed to walk this, to be who I am. It is not comfortable at present but it is too late to be second guessing my choice.

The knowing is strong. 2015 is a year of change, of magic and miracles. Dichotomy of deep darkness standing next to the brightest of light. All swirling, merging, rearranging into the Oneness we are. It is a messy process bringing heaven to earth. I am grateful to play my part. Thank you for playing yours. We are creator gods, just beginning to understand the tools in our hands. May we play well, loving and living our unique gift to the whole.

I Give You Permission

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Autumn sunlight allowing clarity to my senses.

Autumn sunlight allowing clarity to my senses.

An aspect of my role has come to the forefront of late. I am the mother, the headmistress, the boss, the father…..all authority figures that we are taught to look to for permission. Family and friends call me to echo their own truth. To confirm their inner knowing that tells them to put their needs first. Intuitively, we know that is the path home, to fill our cups before offering a drink to another. Yet the conditioning is strong to give that first cup away, to honor all commitments, to be “nice” above all else, to shore up another at the risk of our own drowning.

I am called to give permission, “yes, this is a day to rest…..yes, you can cancel that plan that feels heavy….yes, you can say no even though the person is outside your door asking to come in and they have driven two hours to get there……yes, you can walk away from that “opportunity” that feels like too much….yes, you can be assured, more opportunities are in the offing even if you decline this one…..yes, to honoring your body’s need for chocolate, nurturing in whatever form appeals to you…..yes, you can tell the truth that you do not wish to go somewhere at this moment……..yes, you can cancel a date with a friend……yes, you are allowed to be inconsistent…..and on it goes.

This is all a part of releasing the old programming of the matrix. We are taught that if we do not keep our commitments, if we pass on an opportunity, if we say no to another….we will suffer. We will lose out. It is a lie that has kept us walking the straight and narrow path of being productive cogs in the wheel of the machine. Even our language supports this oppression. Think of the connotation of words like lazy, slothful, indulgent, and a phrase that makes me cringe; to die for, usually spoken about some dessert or article of clothing. The implication is that if you follow your desires, it will lead to death on some level. Really???

A hazelnut torte I made, yum!

A hazelnut torte I made, yum!

We are taught to not trust ourselves. If I eat a piece of cake, who knows where that will lead? As if I will become obese if I am not holding a tight rein on myself at all times. If I do not eat the right foods, (and which are the right foods is a  constantly changing and often confusing business) drink the right drink, exercise the right way, join the right clubs, follow the right path of advancement….death awaits. Yes, death awaits us all. Funny how a natural process has been used as a Damocles’ sword above our heads. Face that fear of death, and suddenly life opens with its joys and pleasures. I know death to be a doorway to greater freedom and am ready to step there whenever I am called. Life itself is a series of deaths and rebirths as we move ever closer to embodying more of ourselves.

I was taught that to “be” meant I would become nothing. The glory was in the productivity. It was a revelation to me to come to the knowing that I was loveable, that I had value in and of myself. Not because I did this or performed that service but rather because I am an aspect of the Creator. I am of value for who I am, not for what I do. We were programmed to believe that to have a full daytimer was a sign of achievement, to be busy, gold stars. Even our calendars with their linear line up of days, ask us to cross them off as if we were living in a prison cell. Nature does not move in an orderly march, she swirls and dances and asks us to attune to her rhythms. Often I am able to confirm for others that they are in tune with the planetary cycles, feeling the solar flares in their bodies need for more rest, wanting to withdraw from social obligations as the moon is waning. Instead of being “wrong”, I can echo their hearts’ knowing that they are “right”. I offer words of gentleness that their heart seeks for them to hear. We are a species that are learning to walk and we beat ourselves up if we are not Olympic caliber athletes! We are toddlers in this new land and need to be oh so gentle with ourselves as we practice walking upright. Once we fully pop out of this matrix, we will be astounded at how we agreed to live under such harsh conditions.

I love watching the leaves dance their way down to the water and ground.

I love watching the leaves dance their way down to the water and ground.

Think of it, no more obligation in the name of family, relationship, roles…….each one moving to their own inner joy. Planning will become a thing of the past as we move out of economic slavery, with times and schedules. We will flow together on currents of love. We will broadcast our desire and watch it unfold in a way we could not have orchestrated from our minds. Our hearts are so ready to be unleashed so as to show us the wonders that are possible when we fill our cup and drink deep. We were taught that the supply was limited so we sipped barely enough to stay alive. The truth is, when we fill our cups for ourselves, there is a never ending stream that can pour through us.  There is no thought of giving, it simply overflows to all, a spigot turned to on once we step into the stream of our own truth. Liquidlovelight flowing, bathing each in its rejuvenating waters. Drink deep and nourish yourself for in doing so, you nourish me. Together, we nourish the world.

Today I give you permission to honor yourself in each moment. Watching the leaves do their autumn dance of letting go is calling me outside. Nature unfolding the mystery with her gentle grace. The leaves dancing to their death allow me to dance to mine. I can die fully to this moment, savoring each drop, whether it is to be my last. I give myself permission to live in this gentle embrace of love.

 

 

Death and Crystal Skulls

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An angel that has been with me for a long time, she speaks to me of grace and peace.

An angel that has been with me for a long time, she speaks to me of grace and peace.

The current energies are helping us to stay out of our mind and land in more securely in our hearts. There was a deep pause at the end of December which induced a semi-sleep state in many of us.  The new year opened with all kinds of clearing. My whole family went through a death experience that was powerful. Energies converged with my my older son that led to his voicing how tenuous his hold in this world was. Suicide was mentioned in passing that sent the experience right through my core as well as his dad’s. I understood this as there was a field of darkness kicked up by the intense love that had been released on the solstice. Suicide energies were enlivened and were seeking hosts. LIghtworkers had been holding on by a thread, seeking the relief of the solstice energies, which did not manifest in the way many “thought” they would. It was the dark night before the dawn of change and it served to release a huge bubble of disappointment, despair, anger and frustration from the planet. Not easy nor pretty to be in. Like a knife in the heart, it moved through me with a shudder and sobs, clean and swift. For my former husband, it was a drawn out wail that took him deep into his own fears. All perfect to each one.

At the same time, my younger son ended a relationship and was experiencing physical and emotional heart pains that were intense. Then my daughter called from New Zealand to relate her experience of being the first to happen upon a road accident. She and her partner stopped to help despite running late for a wedding. Needless to say, they missed the wedding ceremony. My daughter stayed with the three folks in their van which was smoking, having hit a tree.  Her partner went to find help and cell phone reception to call for an ambulance. It took 45 minutes for aid to arrive. In that time, my daughter followed her intuition and called upon her first aid training from years as a lifeguard to help the woman who was most injured. She made a neck brace with her body and was able to clear her air passages. She encouraged the unconscious woman to breathe and kept assuring her that she was ok and cared for. Upon his return, her partner made sure that my daughter spoke with the medical personnel after all were cared for. She learned that she had done everything as they would have, her intuition had been right. The woman, an Israeli tourist, ended up dying. So death visited our family in a gale force wind that released those layers from our beings. Intense and liberating. We were left with immense gratitude and a heightened appreciation for this experience on earth.

IMG_2452Shortly after this, I was invited to meet a crystal skull named Marie. Due to my Mother Mary connection, the name called to me. I held an aversion for skulls, retreating when I saw skull and crossbones imagery. I had heard of the crystal skulls on the planet, coming to aid our expansion at this time. I opened myself to the experience, following the tug that Marie was causing in my heart. I love crystal bowls and have come to know them as beings that each have their own energies and gifts. I recognize the beings in trees and rocks and plants. This was another opening into the many beings that populate our world.

I had recently undergone a journey into the underworld with my back spasms. I was shown how my experience was helping to lift all physical suffering from this plane. Marie wanted to lie next to my back. She took it a step further. I sobbed from the depths of my being as I connected to the suffering. She said, “This time is coming to a close. Suffering is no longer needed to evolve and learn. Joy will be the new pathway for evolution.” She then instructed me to turn over and cradle her to my heart (she is big, 39 lbs of crystal). I then began to sing with her. She does indeed bring the Mother Mary energies of love. I felt cradled and held. I have worked with her a couple more times, knowing she amplifies my heart energy in a new way. I will continue to play with her in the times to come.

IMG_2471There was a release of creative energy that came in after the death clearing. It energized me, bringing the idea of a book and art to the fore once again. Followed quickly by the deep sleep! I am learning to ride these waves. To see how to open myself fully to the creative energies when they arise but not attach when they just as rapidly, depart. The trick is to not allow disappointment or self judgment to enter in but trust the process and stay with what is true in the moment.  I am now in a sleepy phase, moving as though encased in molasses, the simplest of activities can feel like mountain climbing. To care for my physical needs, takes everything I have. Flashes of energy move through at times, some as visions that I feed with my heartlight, some bringing movement in the physical. I am discovering how to surrender and trust at all times. Knowing my higher self is directing this movement for my highest good. My mind can feel distress when there seems no action towards a goal but my heart is skipping in the flames of joy, knowing all is well. I am discovering that the old thoughts move through like a gentle breeze that floats them away as I open to feel every feeling fully. There is no longer any attachment so they move on and I am left in my heartlight. The old energies simply will not hold any longer…….hallejuah!

 

Kali Rages then Flows to Peace

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After some wild dancing of RAGE that had Kali alive and well in me, I was able to laugh at how perfectly this small family soul group of mine works! We made sure to include all the elements that we needed for our transformation. We held the whole spectrum of polarity between us and have played it from all sides. Beautiful! Truly awe inspiring.

Last night there was a now rare family dinner scene, four of five present. Reminiscent of a couple of decades of times around the table, allowing unconsciousness more rein.  We sang the family blessing, ate our fresh corn on the cob and relaxed. Former hubby brought in an unconscious piece that triggered me. He has played this role so perfectly for us all and it will be interesting to see what happens now as it feels it was a final clearing for me, so that part will no longer be played.  Dinner ended and he went on his way while the anger simmered and stirred within me. I felt the energies grow and expand as that mother bear arose on her hind feet. Kali came to life within me.

Kali

from wikopedia: Kali, also known as Kalika is a Hindu goddess associated with death and destruction. Despite her negative connotations, she is not actually the goddess of death, but rather of Time and Change. She is also revered as Bhavatarini (lit. “redeemer of the universe”). Comparatively recent devotional movements largely conceive Kali as a benevolent mother-goddess.

Actually, I love this image of Kali as the rage felt full of death and destruction. I know this rage, it has coursed through my veins many times in this life. Yet, as with all things, we experience them anew with our new understandings. I am clearing collective energies. The other night it was the decree to the universe that I would no longer accept this 3D life, demanded that I be allowed to bring heaven here or return to Source. This was the follow up energy, as I could see all the grace that had been offered each one of us, time and time again to move into the light. How many accept and how others play with those undecided. How much of me has held wide a door. Kali came in to say, No more! Door closed. I will not give one more ounce of my energy to hold the door open for those who impede another’s path with intention, who create an air of confusion around those sitting on the fence so as to siphon off their light, who have made the choice to continue in separation from Source and are intent on taking as many others with them on their path as possible. It stops now.

No more. I asked for it all to come forward, to show its hand, to face my Kali self. And it did come pouring in and my rage consumed it like a fire. I danced and danced to wild, pounding music with lyrics of “no more, no more”. I added my voice in frequencies that had not moved through me in ages. It was hot, it was fiery and it was quick. All that this body could move from the collective, came forth to dance its death dance. I acted as a conductor to move and transmute these energies. My son acted as witness and turned the volume higher as well as found the song for me as he too, has played this role. This was a power filled clearing.

Our sun is the ultimate fire, showering us with his love each day.

I asked for and received the broader view and saw how my former hubby played this role so perfectly for me. I felt the gratitude flow like waves  to his soul. I also gained the recognition that on a personal level, there was to be no more gifting of my energies his way nor to others playing this note. Boundaries are good. There is the love that flows through all and I see it so clearly as ribbons of multi-colored heartlight flowing into and amongst all hearts. I see how he and I adore one another on the soul level. I see how his personality self may now choose to make use of all that he has been given from the family or not. All perfect and no longer mine to tend.

These are the end times. The death of the old and the birth of the new. We are here to create the new world that our heart’s desire and remember from home. The wonder is that it is all so impersonal yet so dear. How each of us plays our part for our soul group to grow and expand the Creator’s experience for ourselves and one another. How quickly the energies run, allowing us to move so much in these final days. We are creating room for the new to stream in in all its glory.

I have had to own all my shadow self in order to allow Kali full rein. As we clear our own containers, we can then offer ourselves in service to the collective. The intensity can be elemental, like lightening moving through the body, yet it is familiar to this elemental woman. I am of the elements. My fiery nature has awaited this time to play. I can call this passion to move in any part of the spectrum, from the darkest depths to the lightest of airs. I used to judge myself harshly for my fiery nature, now I celebrate it in its current form. It is a fire that burns clean whereas before it left a scarred landscape in its wake. Now it consumes all so that not even ashes remain. My trigger knew nothing of my dance on a personality level, yet the souls knew all. I understand the personality is but a container for the energies to move through.

Kali is a creator god that allows the birth of the new. We have been programmed to shy away from  the heat of death and destruction yet Kali must dance her dance to create anew. We are standing at the doorway of the new cycle of the ages and all that has been must come crumpling down. We cannot build the new on the old foundations. All is being taken. I rejoice in her presence and honor her energies of life. Truly it is in dying that we are reborn. Thank you Kali for allowing me to move as you last night. I am so grateful.

The soothing coolness of the waters cascading over me.

I am left marveling at the wonder of me. At the wonder of you. At the beauty and ugliness, the heights of love and depths of despair, that we are capable of. Bring out your shadows, dance them, let the flames consume them. We are being purified and the fire is our friend.

Today the waters cleared me as I swam and showered. Soothing waters to quiet the flames and bring the balance bright. Now to see what the earth and air have for me!!!