Hearts show up everywhere. My grandson loves to find them for me.

The wheel of the calendar has turned and I lose track of where I am. A new year that may see time dissolve as a measuring stick. There is a dreaminess to the landscape that I am floating in, upon. I show up for my grandchildren, hitting the mark of time that their parents need. Other than that,  I drift. I read. I watch videos or read books online, go for short walks in woods blanketed in snow, lie on the couch and watch fat snowflakes dance outside.

Today, my fingertips went numb inside my heavy gloves, my driver’s side door froze. Hitting the zero and below temperatures of winter that require some focus to navigate. I pulled a sled filled with firewood my former hubby cut in his woods and my grandson helped load. Back and forth, woods to house, house to woods. Abundance and warmth present in the loads, knowing an aliveness offered in all aspects of the cycle.

Sunset blazing out my back window tonight.

It is difficult to project ahead as it has no weight to it, no anchor. I use notes to myself, timers on my phone as reminders to enable me to show up and do the few tasks that are yet mine. I sense myself in all of it, but do not really feel attached to who I am. I see versions of myself, snapshots of times. Nothing has weight or even connection. Movement within, without. No tethers to this drifting. As if I am riding alongside this life, I stop and get out to shoot a scene, then get back in a vehicle that transports me to the next scene. I do not direct it….all happens of its own accord. I trust the design, the timing, the sets, the characters. All showing up for me, for my expansion and growth. Even those words seem empty and old. There is only this.

Wood piles and snow.

I no longer study my lines, try to set the stage in any way. There is not a sense of getting it right or getting it wrong. It is. I AM. My heart feels the love. I intend love moving through it all. It is a peaceful place, this drifting space. As though I am an octave away from life. I feel a great tenderness for us all, a love that permeates everything. I am in everything and yet removed.

A swirl of energy will surge up and catch me, engaging me in some old pattern. It takes me up and away until it drops me out. I wonder at the intensity. How did that happen, what was that? Then the drifting again. The lines are dissolving and the spirals opening or tightening as they are want to do. We are moving at lightening speed as we stand still. The cosmos dances and my body slumbers. I feel the speed and the stillness. All awash in lovelight.