Tag Archives: emotions

Repeating Themes

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A community gathering on the common in our village.

A community gathering on the common in our village.

The experience of repeating themes, as expressed in the old movie, Groundhog Day, came alive this morning. I have not felt the energy to write much here. I was guided to search back in this blog to my beginning writings. So much is the same.Writing about community, unity, lovelight. Seeking to know more of myself and the world. Seeking understanding and allowing the writing to bring clarity.

The spiral continues to flow as we touch and retouch areas of our lives as well as energies from other lifetimes. All cycling to completion. Every experience looking to be returned to the truth of love at its core. When I have encountered entities of heavy energy, the request is the same, they wish to be released back to the Oneness, back to the love. Many cling to the darkness in a host and attempt to keep alive on that food yet it is not the nourishment any of us need. Everything desires the return. Everything desires to know itself as love.

We have played this separation game to its limit and now we are in the lifetime of bringing all to completion. Any outstanding karmic relationships or lessons, are brought to the fore to be seen and experienced. Once we allow ourselves to feel all of the emotions surrounding the situation we are freed to glean the wisdom found within.

The path laid out for us by our I AM presence.

The path laid out for us by our I AM presence.

I look back at writings from twelve years ago and see how I knew so much of this at that time, yet here I am, still learning to be all of the love. Layers upon layers unfolding, we have to be so gentle with ourselves. Our higher selves know how to pace us, they know what we can handle and will move us as we are able…often it feels like we are not able! Yet, we are so loved and blessed in our guidance that walks us ever closer to the truth of who we are.

I am grateful that the seeking and searching is gone. Mostly I abide in peace. I feel stretched to the maximum as I show up each day. There are no big magical moments, everything is muted. I follow the thread of joy that each day weaves. A heart on my bar of soap, reminding me that I am loved. Laughter with my granddaughter as we inhabit her imaginary worlds. Baking scones and cupcakes to brighten the working days of my sons. Swimming at the lake with my daughter and grandson. Supporting my daughter-in-love who has less than three weeks remaining until her due date. Feeling the soul preparing for the descent which feels sooner than the due date indicates. Marveling that I am not called to support this one or anchor him or her as was the case with my other two grandchildren. A positive sign to me that the frequency of the planet has risen allowing more ease for souls entering in.  As well, my son, his wife and their two year old, hold a chalice of lovelight that has the strength to receive and hold this being of lovelight.

Perhaps as time collapses more and more, reflection will be a thing of the past as we are called to presence in each moment. Now and now and now. That is how it feels to me.

 

Trusting the Waves to Flow Through

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I breathed in the stillness and grace of this pair.

I breathed in the stillness and grace of this pair.

Melancholy and sadness filled my field for a time the past couple of days. A couple of folks called to check in, was I feeling it too? Nice to know we are not alone, that others are experiencing the waves with us. That it is not personal, rather an expression of the collective consciousness. Our earth is going through more changes, earthquakes and volcanoes erupting in Chile, New Zealand, Nepal and elsewhere. A friend in Idaho called and said that there were a couple of small ones in her area.  We feel more of the collective energy as it moves up and out for release. There is no hurrying it along. It flows in, seeking the love light, it opens my heart so the love light streams forth, I walk with it, listen to its story, feel its energy, allow it space….and it departs into the field of love that is.

Found heart rocks are now placed in trees so that they can shine their love light to all whom pass by.

Found heart rocks are now placed in trees so that they can shine their love light to all whom pass by.

Just realized that the word, holy is within melancholy. As we discover more and more, there is holiness and wholeness in what we are taught are negative states. Clues embedded for us to discover and bring into the light of our consciousness. We have been so programmed to shed the shadow, to keep running as if to outrun its reach. It is a relief when we finally stop and face it. To witness the fluid nature of feelings when we allow them entrance into our heart’s home. I recall the shock when I finally opened the door to the pain of my divorce and invited it in. I had thought that I would die on some level. Indeed, something did die. A dream, a vision, a creation. Yet, I did not die. As I became more comfortable with this guest, as its character became more known to me, as I began to love it, peace flowed in. It departed then, coming back for short visits when I required it. A messenger baring gifts of wisdom and strength.

Mount Shasta teaches me as I watch her appear and disappear in the mists. She is there, allowing the sun and shadows to flow over her.

Mount Shasta teaches me as I watch her appear and disappear in the mists. She is there, allowing the sun and shadows to flow over her.

Amazing how many states of feeling I can experience in a day. I honor each as an invited guest and in doing so, discover that none overstay their welcome. In previous times, I so desperately wanted a feeling to depart, that invariably, they stayed and stayed! No hints or encouragement saw them head to the door, rather they simply settled in more comfortably, tucking the pillows just so behind their backs. Now, I offer to rearrange the pillows, bring the refreshing liquidlovelight, offer my attention.

The sunny colors amidst the grey greens.

The sunny colors amidst the grey greens.

Before the glass is drained, they are usually up and out the door. Just as with our children, if I ignored the one hanging on my leg and kept with my task, the cries and attachment grew. If I bent down, offering my full attention, the hold loosened, the cries ceased and I could return to my task at hand.

The liquidlovelight is penetrating deep, the debris is floating upward to be cleansed. We are transmuters, alchemists of old, turning the dross to the golden love light. It was never about the golden coins, the true riches have always been the spirals of love light found in our hearts. We are blessed. We are.

“The Mind Thinks It Knows and The Heart Believes It Can Be Hurt” Trinity Thomas

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My latest beloved painting, the marriage of the masculine and feminine in my being.

My latest beloved painting, the marriage of the masculine and feminine in all of us.

This statement is from an upcoming book: The Heart of the Oracle by Trinity Thomas at inneroracle.com. It turns out that both of these statements are illusions. A friend shared these words with me recently.  I sat and allowed them to flow in and land where they chose. They settled as truth in my body.

The first, dealing with the mind has been easy for me to see. I know that my heart and body hold my wisdom and my mind is a tool at my disposal. I am grateful to her for all the processing she has done on my behalf. We have upgraded from the old operating system and she is now working in harmony with my heart, who is the director. My mind is appreciative of taking off the lead harness and working with the heart. She enjoys using her skills as she was meant to, no longer carrying the weight of running this show. This feels so aligned with how my will has dropped away as I surrendered to the will of my higher self, Sophia. She uses her expanded knowing to direct this vehicle. I felt such a sense of expansion and release as I allowed this change. Why be limited by the small light of my personality self when I could be walking in the searchlight of my I AM presence? Once this step is taken. there is no question of going back.

Ah, the heart believes that it can be hurt. That statement blazed a trail of truth right through my being! How many tears have I shed, how much misery have I created when I believed that I could be hurt? Oh, we are wonderous beings! Our hearts are instruments of the divine. The All, the One. Our hearts are love and only love. Hurt is an illusion. We have been conditioned to believe that others can hurt us but there is only one as we are one another. Someone can speak words to us and we can choose to believe that they are arrows dipped in poison or not. It is our choice. But when we drop below the surface, all is revealed. We see the beauty of our dance, of the way we trigger one another in service to the One. We all participate in the grand scheme to bring everything back to love. All that is not love within my being, must come to the surface to be embraced and reminded that it is love too. I am in awe of how loved I am that every trigger point, every sore spot in my heart, brings forth another to poke it until it releases back to the love it is. How loved we are! Once you begin to observe this, it becomes almost comical how situations will arise that hit a resounding note of pain within, to offer an opportunity for it to clear. It will happen over and over until the densest layers have been excavated and brought to the surface to be loved and cherished. Become a witness to this, see your pain and ask for its resolution. It is beyond our comprehension how it comes as everything conspires to bring the love. The wonder of this fills me. You will find that another that you felt harmed you, has been a force of love to bring you to greater truth of the love you are. You will suddenly find yourself filled with gratitude for this other, knowing deeply that they are you, and you, them. It is magic of the highest order.

Going beyond the human form, we are lightbodies dancing together in oneness.

Going beyond the human form, we are lightbodies dancing together in oneness.

Yesterday this came home to me as it felt to be an emotional day. I could sense heightened emotions swirling in the collective field. I called in the violet flame to assist me to transmute all that came my way, back into the frequency of love that it is. I was having a discussion with one dear to me. He displayed some hesitancy to speak to me about a desire of his that he felt was in conflict with a desire of mine. I laughed and said. “Oh, I already shifted that as I realized how it was right for you and not for me.” We spoke of how by always speaking our truth, things become softer, flow more easily, hesitation can drop away as the emotions are not so charged. As we spoke further, I felt an undercurrent of unrest and sadness. I sat with it all for a time allowing it full play in my heart. It was so interesting to feel a perceived “hurt” try to find an anchor in my heart. It circled around, trying to find a landing place but none were available. Hallelujah!

I laughed out loud at the beauty of this, the wonder that my heart no longer offered a landing place for hurt! It knows the truth of oneness and love. It can no longer be fooled into believing that anyone or thing wishes me harm. It knows all to be love. All that appears or presents differently, is a guise, a ruse, asking to be seen through. All is asking to be acknowledged as love at its core. Everything, everyone desires to live in the flame of love. It is the fabric of our being, of all creation.

A heart that is free shines its light!

A heart that is free shines its light!

How beautifully we play this game. How great is our love to continually present as criticism,  judgment, dishonoring, deceit, and the list goes on, until we see the truth. We play this out for one another until we have our aha moment and laughter bubbles up as the only response. It is so beautiful! Our hearts cannot be hurt, we allow the perception of hurt to anchor in, at times we allowed it to burrow deep……until we don’t. Once we know that we are love, that we are sparks of the Divine, that  we are one with all life, the game is over. We are free.

Our hearts can then live as they are meant to, as a sending and receiving station for love. No longer sites for burying pain, no more toxic emotions stored underground, no more poisonous air to breathe. Our hearts become clear vessels where love flows freely with each breath. Oh my! Think of this replicated in our Mother Earth! She is clearing herself of the old toxic waste sites, the deep rivers of pain and underground mines of disruption. We assist her by lightening our load. If my heart is clear, I not only free me, I free her as well. What I do, I do for the all. Your clearing of your heart, frees mine. Each of us an intricate part of the whole that affects every other part. Oh, the beauty of this!

May you feel these truths shake and quake in your world and may you join me in laughter and delight. We are one people and our tone is love. Always has been, always will be. In fully loving me, I more fully love thee. A deep sigh of this flows through my body. This love, this love…….

 

Emotional Release Leaves Me Limp and Grateful

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This guy showed up on the arm of my chair, to teach me how to view life from a new angle.

The past few days lined up in my world as an oracle/astrologer predicted. Oraclereport.com. I like her take on the planets, giving them personalities in a way that feels very relatable to me. It has been a time of emotional purging as the planets lined up to assist us in our clearing.  I am grateful as I desire for my cells to be full of lovelight and that can only happen if they are not carrying anything else.

Betrayal….I have been shown how it has been a part of every significant love relationship that I have had in this life. This thread has been the warp and woof of my life. I created it for a reason. Now that I have done so much weaving, I can observe the pattern it has made and learn from it.  I have been immersed in its energy and pain as I felt it all like a white hot poker in my heart. It is amazing how the feelings can arise with such ferocity. It is not as if this were the first time I had allowed them release. My mind wants to jump in with that information but I will not play that game any longer. Yes, I have felt these feelings before. Yet here they are again so there is another layer to experience. As they came flooding out, I felt almost overcome with a searing rage and sorrow.

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So many painting projects! Each color holding a world of memory for me to walk through.

I love how my dear, Sophia, my I AM presence, sets me up for growth. My younger son wanted to clear out the tool shed and configure it into a more useful space for his art framing. It had been accumulating stuff for over 20 years and was a mess. I decided to assist him in this, wanting him to have this space. This put me back into the old track of powering through to a goal. It took three days to empty everything, clean it and patch the holes in the walls where rodents had found entrance. It was hard physical work as well as emotional as old projects and objects where unearthed.

There was the set up: building containing the past, high degree of physical labor called for, days worth of a project, former partner absent yet directing from the phone while I labor in the field. All leading me to use my energy in my former way of cutting through with my will, pushing myself from task to task like an automaton. Amazing how I fell back into that way of moving that has become foreign in the past few years. Yet it was a perfect formula as physical exhaustion led to emotional fraying led to Cinderella complex surfacing with her victim mindset. Some part of me is aware of all of this and feels gratitude while the rest of me ends up yelling, crying and stomping about. A tear storm that sweeps me along as the heated emotions find release. It is interesting how the physical clearing out mirrors the inner clearing that we are doing. No wonder so many of us have felt the compulsion to clear our closets and spaces, opening up more interior landscapes.

IMG_4879My son and I went out to a movie and dinner last night to celebrate the new space within the shed and within my heart. This morning after getting up to view the stars, I fell back asleep and dreamt of the defining betrayal in my life. It was raw and harsh, pulling me out of sleep in order to take a breath. Now, after getting up for the day, I sit here with my coffee and slice of peanut buttered toast and feel peace. My heart feels light, emptied. I can take a deep breath and feel the golden light moving in and around. My body feels like I have been through a boxing match. I am moving slowly. I will be tender and caring and alert to what my body asks of me today.

I am sending gratitude to Sophia, to the planets and the sun for their assistance. I am grateful to my son for witnessing me and holding me in love. I am beaming love to all those who played out the betrayal for me so that I could arrive at this place of no longer betraying myself. Today I am diving in the truth of the love that I am and allowing it to caress me. The chair in the sun is calling me outside, perhaps that is as far as I will journey today as I savor this shore I have landed upon.

Soothing Our Inner Child and Setting Ourselves Free

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Sifting through our buried emotions reminds me of coming upon these bones on a trial in Southern India so long ago. We are asked to reclaim our feelings just as our mother reclaims our bones, freeing all for new growth.

Sifting through our buried emotions reminds me of coming upon these bones on a trial in Southern India so long ago. We are asked to reclaim our feelings just as our mother reclaims our bones, freeing all for new growth.

I awoke from a dream where one of my children was crying in distress. My heart is still feeling this as I tune into the earth in these quiet pre-dawn hours. There are many souls in distress as we move more fully into the light. My mother’s heart wishes to enfold all, as I echo our Mother Earth’s heart that holds us all with such love. I hear her intone the age old mother’s sound, “Hush, hush now my child.” Soothing us, as I did my babes, with a hand caressing our brows. February began with that energy for me, a hush from the earth. We are in need of this soothing touch as the love streaming into our planet is touching each of us in such personal ways. Any wall that we had erected about our heart, as a form of defense, is being melted away. Indeed, the light is piercing inward to all the closets and drawers where we stored feelings that we did not know how to handle. It is as if a mighty wind has blown through and we are left with all our belongings tossed on the curb, for all to see. Distress is indeed present as we attempt to gather the feelings up and stuff them back in drawers. But the winds of love have done their job well as the drawers and closets are damaged beyond repair. There is nowhere to hide these feelings, no place to stuff them safely away. Each feeling must be picked up and addressed, one by one. There is no other way. You may believe otherwise and take off running down the road, only to discover all your baggage following you. You may try to throw it on your neighbor’s pile, thinking no one would notice, but it all comes back to land in front of you, once again. You may stand and shout, “This is not mine!” But it all carries your identifying signature. There is no escaping it. Embarrassment, worry, fear, panic, rage, anxiety…..all may arise in response to all these unfelt feelings. Many are sitting on the curb, wailing their laments. Others are begging for help, which is a wonderful first step as our angelic team awaits our call in order to step in. The process must begin and no one can do it for us.  It takes our commitment and love to release the stored energy. All of it wishes to be freed back to the reality of love that it truly is. All of our feelings arose to assist us in our growth. We were misled, taught to store feelings that felt too powerful, too awful, too raw, into our beautiful  bodies. We were taught to erect a shell about our heart in order to be safe. We were taught that we were not strong enough nor good enough to face the world straight on.

We are strong enough. We are good enough. Say that out loud to yourself a few times: I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. How does that feel? Do you believe yourself? Hold that thought and pick up the first feeling in the pile you see lying in front of you. Oh my, it is from my twenty- two year old self, who has just listened to her mother screaming; “Who do you think you are? You will never get that knight in shining armor you seem to think is coming!” Breathing it in, recalling my mother’s pain when I refused a marriage proposal. Oh, this was about her desires and disappointments, not mine. I let the feelings go through, compassion arose, for all her dreams that had not come true. A smile burst forth in my being, I AM going to be met in love. It has not happened yet, but the knowing of its arrival is strong in me. I am worth dreaming big for, I am going for the gold in love. With that, the feeling of pain disappeared. One down, what is next? Oh, this is my three year old self who realizes that she is not to play, but rather be responsible for her siblings. I feel the pressure to keep them safe from the angry adults but am so small myself. I hold her and tell her that I will watch out for the others and she can scamper off to play. She can be the child.

The lightness we feel when we allow our inner light to shine!

The lightness we feel when we allow our inner light to shine!

One by one, we are the adults who can now clear up all this debris. It is possible to have fully open, spacious hearts, allowing each moment a wide field of love in which to unfold. We can choose to feel every now moment completely. If pain arises, I can sit as witness to that pain. I can open my heart field of peace and allow it to be enfolded. There is nothing to fear. This field of love can handle guilt, shame, sorrow, grief…….all of it can be projected onto its screen and viewed as the cry for love that it is. We can sit back and watch it and let it go, ready to view the next scene. We do not have to replay a scene over and over. That is the old way and it got us nowhere. By being the viewer, the observer, we allow the scenes to come and to go. This pile of unresolved feelings begins to disappear. Our hearts grow lighter and we move with new freedom in our bodies. Massage and other body work can be helpful to dislodge deeply embedded emotions. I have sobbed on a yoga mat as a movement released some feeling as well as on a massage table. A loving voice of a friend,  can provide a release as can a piece of music. There are so many avenues open to us to welcome these feelings in and allow them to release back to the love. Acknowledgment from another, validating what you experienced, can be liberating but is not always available. I did not have that opportunity with my parents but give it freely to my children, apologizing for harmful behavior that my awareness now allows. I give it freely to myself, playing the parental role.

We are only as conscious in the moment, as we are. This thought can bring freedom as we let others off the hook, knowing that they did the best that they could at the time. That thought has helped me through many a dark night. The majority of humans want to be good, do good, bring good to others. They give as much as their woundedness allows. We are poised to create a new earth, we need to bring our wholeness to the task. That means we must take the hand of our inner child, soothe them and strengthen them so that our actions reflect our inner field of peace, acceptance, and love. So, pop a batch of popcorn, sit on the sofa and begin the viewing of all that is ready to depart. See it, feel it, love it and release it. Consider it your earthwork, recycling heaviness into light. Our mother will be smiling at you with such love and gratitude.

 

Falling Down the Rabbit’s Hole

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This cloud looked like the vortex I had been swirling in.

This cloud looked like the vortex I had been swirling in.

Yesterday was full of energy for me, not all if it pleasant. It started the day before with an issue being brought to me attention that triggered a number of old issues. My mother bear protective energy was engaged, my truth detector was on high alert, a sense of violation arose at another using the story of others’ pain in a way that enlarged their own story. I was triggered! I dreamt of it during the night, my consciousness seeking to bring me some clues or resolution during the night. The very interesting thing was that the other involved, dreamt of it too. One of us dreamt of it in terms of distress and the other of tenderness. I so love how different we all are in the ways we process information and emotions. Spirit was intent on giving me a lesson in honoring each one’s perspective as one is not more “right” than another.  Rather, we each have a unique lens through which we view our reality which creates our experience here.

My mind began playing a loop of injustice, working itself into a righteous (isn’t it all presented as that?) anger. I decided to take myself out for a walk/run and see if I could shake it loose. Instead it kept pace with me, repeating its litany of complaints, with each step. I came back to write and rewrite an email a few times before hitting the send button, knowing I should wait a day before doing so but that insistent shrill voice said, “Send!”

I was swallowed in a vortex of inharmonious energy, not finding anything to hold onto to get myself out. A friend came to pick me up for an event and I spilled it out to her. She said, “It is coming up for release,” and with those words, I was suddenly free. It is amazing how we forget all of our tools at times and simply fall down that rabbit hole! I saw how these were old issues that had surfaced to be let go of once again. They had not been in my world for years and yet here they were, bright as day, wanting to be loved and released. I was flooded with love and compassion for all of us involved. I detached myself from the old energy of trying to control how anyone else chose to walk their path. I surrendered my out dated notion of protecting anyone from anything. These were old energies that I had not worn in recent times so it was surprising to find myself wearing them! Off they came with a sigh of relief.

The sky doing its dance of joy, echoing mine when I moved through this latest trigger.

The sky doing its dance of joy, echoing mine when I moved through this latest trigger.

This morning it has come full circle as my dreams offered me a view of ourselves as toddlers. We get up on our chubby legs and take our steps only to fall down, over and over again. We learn nothing if scolded for falling down. We are grateful for the helping hand or the smile that greets us, saying, “Oh, you fell down!” in a singsong, loving voice. I am that voice for myself today and for the other in this story. I intend to remember this when presented with a situation that triggers me. To see myself and the other as an adorable toddler who just took a spill. Oh. the tenderness of our hearts, the fortitude of our spirits, and the immense capacity of our souls to move forward, ever growing in our truth.

I am feeling such gratitude for this experience and reminder to cherish myself and each other. I cherish you.

Allowing my Feelings to Flow Fully

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I continue to marvel at the way life brings to us exactly what we need, when we need it. I look back at all the years that I lived my life trying to orchestrate events through my mind. I was not able to accept life as it presented itself to me. I attempted to control how others should act, to control my feelings, tamping them down in the mistaken belief that life would be easier that way. I believed that I would be happy if a set of circumstances that I held to, came to be. I spent a great deal of time and energy opposing what was, in an attempt to create my own version of the magic lands.

I love the fierceness and wildness of some of the Maori images. They are expressing truth.

And lo, and behold……I am living in those very magic lands these days. I arrive more fully each day as I begin my day with a surrender to my higher self, Sophia, to be in the driver’s seat. I put all my trust in her, which of course, is myself. I trust me completely. I trust the benevolent nature of this universe. I trust Creator. From this place of trust, I observe everything that comes into my world. The energies are becoming much clearer in vibration and tone. I watch the interplay, hear the music that is being sung. There is only one tone that captures my attention these days. It is the tone of love. I want to listen to it, broadcast it, be bathed in it, sing it with others in conversation and silence. I hear it underneath all other tones, asking to be heard and amplified through my heart. The tones of love are what make up this world of ours.

Love resides in everything. It is the most freeing of feelings as we are born to love. We are love! I am feeling the freedom of loving all of life. It is a fiery feeling, the intensity is immense. I used to be afraid of my feelings, of the power of love that I felt coursing through me. Society taught me this from a young age. I felt too much, I wanted too much, I was too much. We were taught that you could not love freely, it was reserved for certain people in certain times. We were taught that you must love your parents, even if they were awful to you. We were taught that you could not love someone if they were in a relationship with another. We were taught to mistrust others of our own sex, that they were competition for the scarce commodity of love that was out there. We were taught that our feelings were dangerous and were to be hidden from others to the point where we hid them from ourselves.

In doing so, we have allowed the shadowlands to grow in size and scope. We are a society riddled with addictions, fearful of owning our truth, fearful of being seen. We have lost the ability to see others as we have not been able to fully see ourselves. We have been taught to shine out our bright side, to hide any sign of weakness as our enemies might use it against us. We have created an us vs them world. Yet, there is only us….one people on planet earth. One tribe, the tribe of many colors, the rainbow tribe. It is time to take off the masks and uncover the truth of ourselves. It is truth that what we judge in another is a part of ourselves needing love.

I have just finished reading, The Flaming Serpent by Aine Armour. Here are some of her words that resonated deeply in my heart:

“You must be honest with your feelings. You must allow yourself to feel them. They are the language of your own soul speaking to you…So often humans judge their feelings as wrong and so they suppress them, repress them. The feelings do not go away. They go into the body, into the energy system and continue to create-feelings create.  They are the juice of creation, the water of life. If they are repressed and unacknowledged they begin to create the shadow of the feeling they originated from….It is not the feeling that causes harm, it is what we do with the feeling that can cause harm.”

We fear the flame with its dying, forgetting it unleashes the seed of the new. In every death, exists the rebirth.

I so enjoy uncovering another belief that I have been unconsciously living by. I love the freedom that comes as I dismantle the lie and allow myself to breathe fully in the open space now at hand. I AM LOVE! This I know in all of me. I can allow myself to feel this love fully in all of its aspects. I can use my discernment as to when and how to act upon my feelings as they show up in my world. Who in this world has enough love? Who would not be grateful to know that they are loved? We have so limited our version of love. If it be for someone of the opposite sex, we bring sex into the equation. We do not trust ourselves to love deeply for fear we may cause harm to another. Yet, it is our intention that is all. I intend no harm come from my love. My love is a cosmos and we limit it to a physical expression that is the tip of the iceberg. We are taught that romantic love is all with its erotic charge that quickly grows stale. We are taught the sanctity of the parent- child relationship without allowing it the freedom to be more or less than that.

Love is to be fully felt, fully given in each moment. We can look into another’s eyes for a moment and exchange lifetimes of love. There is such a blessing in this for both parties. I am learning to love so fully that I no longer hold anyone or thing that I love. I bring all of me to each moment, allowing the love to flow in a continuous stream from my heart. I am free to bathe all of it in my love. I recognize no limits nor confines for this love. It flows in a never ending stream from Creator to my heart. My chalice which I offer anew each day to my Mother/Father, is filled with a radiant stream of liquidlovelight that overflows from my heart to yours. I am a conduit for love. I am the stream of love. I am infilled with love. The wonder of this!

I used to hold it in my heart, even close off my heart from receiving what my Mother/Father freely gave. I used my mind to decide where the love should go, who was deserving of my love. I gave time and again from an empty cup as I did not believe myself deserving of love. I felt flawed, damaged. If I expressed any emotion but love, I crawled into the shadows of the cave of shame where no light entered. Anger sent me there, impatience was a pass to the cave. I judged myself harshly and meted out punishment without mercy. Talk about an executioner! Whew, I wielded that sword with a vengence. Each time I crawled out of the cave, determined to be love, to walk in light, to take the high road in all situations. Each time an emotion other than love rose up in me, I took myself to the cave, asked for the nails to be hung on the cross of shame and guilt. My self loathing grew with my rage. My former hubby used to say that he was a good guy 26 days out of the month, but watch out for those other few days. That was when the illusion broke and the moon in her wisdom, drew forth the fiery truth of my soul. I would find myself raging, as feelings stuffed all month long, came pouring out in a violent cascade. They came to teach me, to ask for honoring. I would respond with horror and as my hormones settled, I would stuff them back into the recesses of the cave and place myself at the entrance, setting guard so that they would never see the light of day. 26 days later, they would overwhelm me once again and make their escape into my outer world. I suffered, those around me suffered their wrath. The remorse, the incrimination would enter in and the cycle continued its mad merry go round.

Part of a Nicholas Roerich painting that was a wedding gift eons ago. I have always loved this image of a man sitting on a mountaintop, tending the fire of his heart.

Eventually, I went deep enough into the darkness that I longed only to stay there. That is when I discovered a flame inside of me that illumined a truth. It told me that I was good, that I was love, that I was lovable. By holding to that flame, allowing it to burn within, I found my way out of the cave. I live in a state of grace and peace these days. I feel every feeling that comes my way, fully and completely. I can feel anger without spewing it at another or myself. I did not know how to do that before. I accept all that triggers me as my own, not looking to another to be the cause of my feelings. I thank each person that flips a trigger in me as it allows me to let go the charge. Once fully felt and met, triggers disappear. No one taught me this. I have learned to use my voice to express whatever feeling is present. It is the quickest way that I have found to move energy. I identify where the feeling is in my body and allow the sound it is holding to come out. I do not judge if it is a pretty sound or a grating sound, a groaning or a whining or a keening. All is welcome to be expressed. I tone until the space is clear and empty. I then use my voice to infill that space with my Mother/Father’s presence of love. I ask Sophia to more fully inhabit that space, to love it completely. I know of someone who had cervical cancer. She realized that the cancer grew in the place where she had not fully loved herself. The space she had not fully occupied. Nature abhors a vacuum. I wish to occupy my whole self, this beautiful body which works so hard to hold my light and points out to me where the darkness is that is seeking release through the tones of love. Our bodies know all! They are the wisdom keepers. Ask and you will be shown where you are unaware, where vacuums exist, where cobwebs have been allowed to grow. How many of us have parts of our body that we think unkind thoughts to; “I hate my butt, my shoulder is a pain, my breasts are too small…” The litany goes on. Our body is our friend, seeking love as we are. We can speak to it with tenderness, gift it with what it needs rather than what our minds tells us is the latest news as to how to treat it. We are unique and there is no one size fits all treatment for our bodies though society would have us believe it. We would rather see a doctor and take a pill than take the time to listen to our body. It will tell us exactly what it needs to be a healthy container for us, but we must become able to translate its thoughts. We do this by engaging our senses in the subtle realms of spirit.

We are all looking for permission to feel without judgment.  I give you that permission this day. In doing so, feeling everything that shows up in our world, we begin to know ourselves. And what beauty is there, waiting to be seen! Claim it! I love you.

 

 

Playing in the Fields of New Creation

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In a dream, I was given handfuls of fluffy cotton candy looking stuff to play with. I was laughing and throwing it about, forming it into various shapes and tucking it here and there. The unseen givers told me that they would be back, I was to simply play with it for now. It was the most magical feeling as I have dreamed for so long of creating through my heart and here was this tangible heart fluff to mold to my desires.

All who know me have heard me speaking of this for a couple of years or more. Knowing that creator abilities exist in my heart and palms. I can feel it! I had my very first experience of this a few days ago in Mount Shasta…..yes the place of magic! I was in the crystal bowl store with my friend who was adding a new one to her collection. There are hundreds of bowls in the store, gleaming in their brilliance, deep reds, blues, oranges and golds……truly every color radiating their light. My eye was drawn to a luminescent pink one, rose quartz and platinum. I asked if I could play with it. I sat on the floor and with a light tap of the wand, began to make it sing. Oh, what a song she sang! She is a bowl of gentle love, a love that can enter hearts and oh so softly, with a mother’s tenderness, open them. I knew that she and I could do some wonderful things together for others. Yet, I am not in an acquiring stage in life, I am desiring to be lighter in all aspects, possessions being one.

My friend, Jan's mandala of the heart that I was fortunate enough to sleep under.

The bowl showed me that there are so many hearts yearning to feel. I was searching for an object for the verb feel but stopped…….yes, yearning to feel. We have been so disappointed, disillusioned, disheartened (I never truly understood the truth of that word….dis-heart-ened, before) that we have accepted a life lived in a narrow bandwidth of emotion. We no longer expect to experience great love. We put up barriers to prevent the experience of great sorrow. We numb ourselves to the beauty of this world, fearing its power to captivate us and take us on a journey to depths untold. We play it safe. We cling to our routines and beliefs to prevent any wildness taking hold. We attend meetings and groups that provide checklists of how to structure our day. We take our medicine to even out our emotions, we read the latest info about which foods are safe, which activities will put off dementia, which product will give us youth. Why do we wish to prolong this small safe life? We become so caught up in the rules of it, that we forget the reason for doing it. Why do you want to live longer? Answer that in the quiet of your heart. For me it can only be to love more fully and to serve as an instrument of that love.

The mother of the world, by artist Nicholas Roerich, her veil allowing her to see the truth of all of us.

Love is not safe. It is not routine. It has no rules that it abides by. It moves like the wind and can blow through your life with the force of a hurricane as well as the gentlest of breezes. It can caress, it can destroy. In the destruction are birthed the seeds of the new. I no longer wish to live in the world that I grew in. I spit out the milk toast manner of living…..I plunge the depths and heights for all that life offers me in each moment. I am a creator being and it is time to create anew. I desire deep connection with all life. I open myself fully to my role in birthing this reality. I open my heart to dream BIG, to claim my right to be a play a role in the greatest love story ever told. I will be the Magdalene meeting her Yeshua at the well, I will be Kali consuming the dross of the world, I will be Mother Mary, holding the Christ in her womb. I will be the Christ shining his/her light in this world. Yes, I claim myself as a exquisitely cut facet of the diamond of my Mother/Father’s heart.

All of this comes to us through experiencing of the full spectrum of emotion; raging with anger’s bright fire, sobbing with broken hearts, laughing with the absurdity of life, being overcome by beauty’s bright light. In the fullness of the emotion, lies the treasure waiting to be unwrapped. The moments then become notes in the most sublime symphony. It requires us to retune our ears, to open new chambers in the heart, to allow our fingers to feel the bee’s sting and the velvety softness of a kitten’s ear. To taste the bitter and the sweet. By tuning ourselves to a richer frequency, moving from AM to FM on our dial of life, we truly begin to live. Each fear that arises, we face full on. It becomes a game as we laugh at what comes calling. Death holds no fear for me as it is simply another doorway to my Mother/Father’s heart. Why would I fear that? I want only to serve that fire, whether from this side of the veil or the other, it matters not. I accept the gift that this life is. I accept my forgetting in moments and my knowing that grows stronger by the day.

Do we want to live our whole lives curled tight, afraid to let our beauty unfurl?

As I live in this richness, my life becomes simpler, more peace filled, sweeter. Place matters less, as I am tuned to the beauty in everything. This amazes me. The colors are more vibrant, the sounds softer to me ear. I can hear the neighborhood lawn mowers and the birds’ songs as different expressions of the same note. I am wowed by this. I beam my smile at one with a hardened expression and marvel to see the beauty I know, reveal itself in an answering abashed smile in return. We have grown shy of letting our light out. Of letting anyone see our truth. Fearing that in that smile, something might be taken from us. Oh, we have become a timid race, keeping to someone else’s construct, allowing our power to be taken with barely a murmur. Thank goodness, this reality is crumbling and we are donning our mantles of power once more.

Come take a seat with me to observe the magic and the mystery!

Back to my bowl……I could feel how she wanted to work with me to open hearts. To bring folks back to the remembrance of their own beauty and light. I thanked her and left the store and went to commune with my favorite mountain once again. The next morning, I was taken aback to discover that I had indeed created something with my heart. The pink bowl was in my heart! She told me that I am to use my eyes to stream the presence of our Mother/Father’s heart while I use my voice to play her song into hearts desiring this opening. Oh! This is the heart whispering that I was told months ago, I was to do. I open myself as a channel for this love to flow through. I hold the perfection of the person’s heart, the immaculate concept that Mother Mary trained me in all those lifetimes ago, and step back and witness the streaming of heartlight from our Mother/Father’s heart to the other. LIquidlovelight is a substance so pure, so golden in its hue, it melts all in its path. It is the alchemist’s tool gifted to me for use. A shudder of wonder as I take this in.

Each of our pieces is needed to make make the pathway whole so that we can walk with ease home.

I invite you to step into your heart today, look around and discover where your power lies. Open to its gifts and shine them out to the world, hungry to know you. Without your light shining bright, a piece of the puzzle is missing. I am so ready to view the whole scene! Please lay your puzzle piece on the table, fitted in with the others so that the picture can take form. There is no other who can add your piece. You are the only one who knows what it looks like and where it fits in the picture. Perhaps you think that you are only a part of the sky and so will not be missed. But the sky has a hole in it where you belong. You are needed, for in you, the whole of creation resides. Trust this, know this. You are loved beyond our human understanding of that word.

I love you.

The Gift of Solitude

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I have had the last two days alone. How beautiful solitude can be. My sons traveled to Sacramento to work on building frames for my younger son’s upcoming art show. I was meant to go to a “No turkey” party the day after Thanksgiving and spend the night with my dear friend. I had been looking forward to seeing many old friends and connecting once again. Yet my emotional releasing has spread to include physical releasing also. Drip, drip of the nose, sore throat, fatigue and achiness has kept me put. My body is so gentle with me, asking me to sit quietly and be in the stillness. 


The clearing out of old emotions continued its program with me. Yesterday I watched three different romance movies on netflix’s instant movies. I cried and felt the pain of not having a partner in my life. Realized that I have not experienced romantic love very much in this life. It was there for the first years of my marriage and a brief storm of it last year. Not so much in a 55 year old life. So the mind does the why thing that yields no answers. Why do I feel so deeply, want so much, dream so big, why have I not met a man who loves the way I love? Easy to ask these questions, not so easy to know that I have created all my experiences so why have I not loved myself the way I want to be loved?  I did not want to find that peace inside…..I wanted to avoid it with movies but chose ones that cracked open my wounded heart. I knew what I was doing. One, Bride Flight, was particularly poignant, what does a woman do when faced with caring for young children and staying in an unhappy marriage or losing her children and going to the love of her life. There were lies and secrecy and following religions that beat down all expressions of joy. It was a period piece set after WWI, yet so much remains true today. Women are so brave. They are the ones who are on the front lines of the pain, seeing the suffering of their kids and trying to make it right through their own sacrifice. (Not to exclude dads as I know that there are times when it is the man who is left to hold it together and explain why mommy has left but for the most part it is the women who hold the family together). What a species we are, so often not expressing what our hearts are feeling. Today’s movie, Shadowlands dealt with unexpressed love. C. S. Lewis, the famous children’s author, married late in life and had his heart cracked open by his wife’s death four years later. He had lived an intellectual life  in the company of men that shielded him from navigating the emotions of the heart. His wife, Joy, allowed him to enter into that landscape of the heart that he had closed off from the time of his mother’s death when he was a young boy. Together they entered in to the joy of love expressed. Truly we are love, it is our natural expression and all that has sought to repress it, all the ways that we have been taught to block it off to protect ourselves, have been lies. Hearts love…..it is their natural state of being. 


Many cleansing tears for me. Crying it all out, all the times and ways that I had not been loved in this life, the ways that I had not loved myself.  A friend said to me today, “I am glad that I can cry.” I agreed as the tears are healing for our emotional bodies as well as for the earth. As we shed them, we water our mother and allow her a deep sigh. I watched and felt the struggles of the movie characters and knew their suffering as my own. And then the peace finally descends. I remember how surprised I was when I first discovered that at the bottom of the well of grief, there was peace. Who knew it was hidden there? I read a channeling from Peggy Black and her team of angels called Heal the Wounded Heart: http://www.therainbowscribe.com/healthewoundedheart.htm 
She speaks of the importance at this time on the planet to clear out our heart spaces to make room for that greater connection with the Divine. It is time to heal our wounded hearts. She gives a beautiful exercise to hold what you wish to heal in the chalice of your heart and set your intention to transform and release it. She suggests breathing into it and making the sound of it. This is very powerful . To give voice to the pain and allow it to release rather than remain locked up, this is the path to freedom.  Our mother’s heart feels our pain so in releasing it, we allow her release and freedom. She then has less need for earthquakes and upheavals as we each clear our part of her density. The eclipse energies are asking us to do this work now, revisiting all the old lingering wounds that still cloud our hearts. I marvel at how the universe orchestrates the bringing to us of all that needs to be healed. 


Feeling the blessing of the love that I am stream in from the Creator. Knowing the blessing of dear friends who love me and see me for who I am. Loving that I see me these days and know my own beauty. Grateful for my children who understand me and cheer me on. My elder son and I spoke today and heard each other’s hearts so clearly. Joy! There has been an agitation working in me as my soul works out this next step on my path. Knowing that there is a template of new relationships that my sons and I are creating and also knowing a change is on the horizon. Allowing myself to feel into it. Knowing that is the only way forward. 


I lay here and dreamt of this forest glade. I felt myself walking through it, marveling at the sunlight streaming through the branches. Loving the softness of the forest floor under my feet. I envisioned the first picture, the feeling of watching the sun as it rose through the clouds to announce the new day. I want these. I want a partner next to me to share this beauty. I want a community around me of folks who are co-creating with me…..art, gardens, raising children, animals, flowers. All of this I want. So I am dreaming it into existence. I will follow with inspired action where and when I am led but I know that the dreaming is the important piece. I want natural beauty around me. Being such a plant being myself, I need nature in close proximity. I want it feral and wild so that my heart can revel in its true nature as I dance and sing its vibration. For in truth, our hearts are wild places, full of untamed, dark and mysterious landscapes. We all long to dwell there, shivering with excitement as we walk the dark paths through the thickest growth, dancing with abandon in the moonlit spaces, floating effortlessly on the gentle waters, letting them carry us where they will.  


I have been blessed by this solitude, this journeying into my heart’s space. Tomorrow all three kids will be here for a repeat of Thanksgiving dinner as my daughter has been away. I am glad that I did not lay guilt on her for making the choice to go away with her love rather than being here with us, glad to allow the breeze of freedom to blow through our relationship. (A new pattern from the command performances that my family of origin demanded.) We will open our hearts to one another and ride the next wave. We can create it all anew, how we interact with one another, how we let our hearts sing. Sing a new song and create a new day. 











Cloud Watching

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There is always a bit of a tug for me when I leave Canada. The vibration is lighter there and easier to move through. This is the Peace Arch at the border crossing near Vancouver, BC. I love this saying: “Children of a common mother.” It is great when we get it right……we are all children of our Mother Earth. We are all children of our Father Sky as we come from the stars. Our dear earth is ascending out of duality and into unity consciousness and we are going with her. As we move into unity within our own beings, we make the transition easier for her. For we are her and she is us. How beautiful it is to begin to recognize the connection to everything around us. Today is a new moon, falling right after the autumn equinox. There has been a palpable shift in energy these past few days. Have you felt the fatigue that often accompanies a download of new energy? I did and have felt overwhelmed with the vibration of love that is permeating the air. We are witnessing the shifting of an age. It is amazing. I feel reverent, grateful, exhausted, emotional. unsettled, expansive, excited, quiet……so many different feelings. I watch all move through me as the knowledge that we are NOT our experiences takes hold on deeper and deeper levels. We are great beings of light having experiences. We watch them come and we watch them go and feel such compassion and awe for our dear brave selves that waited in line to get a spot at this grand event.


I arrived on Orcas Island yesterday. The ferry was late and it was a wind tossed ride as stormy weather moved it along. It was evening by the time I found my way to the place I had rented and then busied myself with unpacking and settling in. Felt a bit alone, strange place, dark, couldn’t find my flashlight to walk back out to my car to bring in my own down comforter that I travel with. (a girl has to have her own blankie!) Walked out blind as there was no moonlight with this new moon upon us. (found my head lamp in the car..yahoo, let there be light!) Listened to the wind in the trees. Felt my bravery in approaching new experiences and places. The night before I had been lying in bed in a motor home parked in a new friend’s driveway. I laughed at myself….all the different situations that I have been in. I have learned to not question much, to simply follow guidance but at times I get a kick out of where I end up! I have learned to be comfortable anywhere and breathe into the home in my heart. I have let go of the need to know much, I follow the whiffs of inspiration, show up with an open heart and watch what happens. I had spoken to my youngest son last night and he sensed my aloneness. I said, “I am fine. It just takes me sinking into it and then I am in peace.”

This is a tree from my last walk on Bowen Island. His coat of moss enticed me over and I found myself petting him. Ha, that was his plan all along! How clever of him to grow such a fine coat, so soft and luxurious. I love interacting with nature, talking to everything and listening to what they choose to share with me. I am so enjoying the feel of the woods here in the Northwest. Damp, deep and dark in a way. Fertile and feral also. Ferns and mosses in abundance. Deep shade and patches of sunlight. Bits of water splashing about. I can sense why my soul was craving this experience. So different than the bright rocks of the desert scape of Arizona and New Mexico or the hot inland valley of California with its dry scents of sage. These forests are speaking to what is fertile and wild in my heart. Someone wrote to me of my “fierce beauty” and I was struck by that phrase. Yes, I claim that fierce beauty around me. I claim it as part of me. The forests abound in this fierceness. A beauty that almost frightens as it portends a journey deep. The forests are allowing me access to new regions in myself. The shadows come alive and ask for appreciation and love. Isn’t this where we are with ourselves? We are embracing all parts of ourselves, we are going deep to find all the bits that we have shut away, thinking them too dark, too awful, too sad, too silly, too selfish, too nasty to be seen by the light of day and certainly, not by anyone else. The forests show me that it is time to pet the dear child who felt she had to control things in order to feel a sense of safety in the world. They are showing me to love my heart that loves forever where it has once loved. I am embracing all the places that I lied to myself in order to present an acceptable face to the world. I am embracing all of me that I abandoned in trying to fit into a marriage, an educational system, family and relation- ships that did not serve me. I am forgiving myself for all the times that I so harshly judged myself. The freedom that flows once you do this! The sense of compassion for yourself arises in all its beauty. It is the sweetest nectar to taste. All guilt and shame can be embraced and allowed to flow on through. Old energies that no longer need to be carried. Think of all the emotions that we have stuffed into our bodies over the years! Is it any wonder that our bodies get ill and out of sorts? We were never meant to hold onto emotions, they were meant to be experienced and let go of. It is time to clean out the cupboards, dump all the past due items on the emotional shelves. Give yourself a good housecleaning and you will feel so much lighter! It is joy, pure joy. And your delight in yourself and your body for all that you have put you through……amazing! I cherish myself so these days. I love my body and give her whatever she desires and tell her thank you, thank you, thank you, for all that I asked her to endure. She is so beautiful, so cute! I get such joy from her and in her. I dress her in cute things, cover her in scented lotions and soaps, give her rest and wholesome goodies that delight her. Our bodies want appreciation just like everything else in this world. A friend was telling me of someone who was losing weight for the first time in forever not by her usual dieting but rather by speaking lovingly to her body. Eradicating her negative self talk about weight and using her words and thoughts to love every aspect of her body. She was delighted to find that the pounds began to fall away as her body responded to her loving treatment. It makes sense to me. Harsh gym routines, diets, etc never made sense. Let’s stop the self punishment and begin the self celebration on every level.

Today I awoke to sunshine and stillness all
around. As the day unfolded, I realized that I did not desire to use the phone and after a bit on the computer this morning, it too was put away as I had no energy to answer emails or communicate with the outside world. This log bench out front called to me and it is where I spent much of the day. I had a blanket, a pillow and my wool wrap and I lay cloud watching. I was amazed at how quickly they shape shift. Small wisps would seem to be drawn to bigger masses, to join up. It felt like what is happening now as we are being drawn to our soul families, those whom are of like vibration. We are separating out from old duty relationships of family and friends that felt heavy, and flowing with the currents of energy to those with whom we have a high resonance. It was fun to watch it being played out and to feel a part of that play. I thought of the new educational systems that will arise. How cloud watching can be an activity that allows kids to expand their consciousness. Here I am at 55 years and I have never spent more than a little while watching clouds. Yet they have lessons for me. Every day, some part of nature is calling me to class, saying, “Look! This is important. This is what matters. Learn from us. Grow with us.” I am listening. This island is a place of deep stillness and it has lessons for me. I move into the quiet, knowing that a rebirth is at hand. I am so blessed to walk this path of mine.