Nature and life circle back as new growth emerges.
Recently, old memories have surfaced at random times throughout my days. I might be walking and a whole scene plays out in front of me. They are painful memories that have lived underground for decades. As my knowing, accepting and loving myself expands, substrates of blackened pain arise. These are memories that I buried deep in order to keep my head above water. I did not know how to feel such pain and still keep the wheels of my life turning. I placed a heavy blanket over these feelings and pressed them down deep. I had to numb myself in order to survive.
As I wrote out a recent memory that surfaced, I was amazed by the depth of darkness that I had lived. When I read it out to others, they suggested that I flesh it out with greater detail as it encapsulated the essence of the last decade of my marriage. I sat with the memory but it would not come into focus. The basic outline was there, but the details were blurred.Was the woman blond? I recall the big boobs that my husband was always attracted to……where did we sit? What was the conversation like amongst the three of us? How did she greet me?
An Easter egg found months later , by my granddaugher, hidden at the base of a tree. Nature added its own fern design.
I had not been able at that time to attend to the parts of the picture, only the overall feel of it. It would not come into focus as it was viewed through a haze of pain. Why would my husband want me to meet someone he was having an affair with? He never stated this but every gesture between them, hinted at the shared intimacy rather than the work colleague relationship that he had told me that it was. Why would she want to meet me? Perhaps, he did not tell her that he was bringing his wife along. Maybe she was as blindsided as I was. What a strange encounter for both of us.
Part of me wanted to call my former husband and ask these questions. As I felt into that, I knew that he would back away. He has not been able to look at his behavior fully for those years of his acting out. There are huge holes in our story that he has no interest in filling. I have brought up similar memories to him with no satisfactory conclusion. He retreats in defensiveness or offers a blanket apology and asks how long I will keep him on that cross.
I have no interest in doing that. It is an exercise in futility to expect him to do so. These are my memories to clear. Whether someone is still here, accessible for conversation or passed over…the resolution can only come from myself, for myself. I had to accept that with my parents, that they were not able to have a conversation about what happened in the family. My heart that had desired the painful experiences to be resolved and tied up with a sweet bow.That was not possible so I was forced to learn a new way.
I had to find my own peace with it all. I had to turn the black coals of pain into diamonds of understanding. In finding the gift, the jewel in the blackness, I had freed myself from much of the past. I had more of me to move with. From struggling to hold my head above water, I have learned to swim in this watery landscape of emotions. I am amazed that my strokes are more sure and strong, that I can propel myself across time and space and allow myself to float in peace.
The other piece of this, has been accepting others as they are. My former husband and I are friends. We participate in family events and he helps me out with life’s chores; picking me up while I drop my car to be serviced, taking me to physical therapy when I could not drive, bringing me food when I need tending. How can this be? How can such pain live besides friendship? I asked myself this as this recent memory came up and other women in my writing group asked. I felt into it……searched my heart. I found love. In the end, there is only the love.
Always, the underlying love is revealed.
We have known one another for decades . We carry memories of one another’s parents, our youth and the raising of our family. To have him in my life, I must accept who he is. He likes crowds and surface relationships, I like one on one interactions that go deep. I acknowledge the places where we can intersect and enjoy them for what is offered. It is freeing to not need him to show up for me in any set way. To allow what is and find my peace within that. To honor the good that is present, without despairing of what is not. To acknowledge the love that exists between us. To honor his beautiful heart that is so giving. We came together to bring in our children. We came to help heal one another. We came to learn of betrayal and forgiveness. Big learnings.
The jewel, the diamond of that time is how I grew to listen and trust my own voice. He played a big role in that. He took over from my mother in that learning. Both had called me crazy when I spoke truth. It took me years to come to trust my own voice, my own knowing. Years to set boundaries that allow me more freedom.
April’s eclipse sun
A work in progress. Who knows what remains to be felt, to be acknowledged within my soul. What I do know, is that I am able. I intend to excavate all the recesses of my heart and fill it with love light. That is the truth of who I am. That is the truth for us all. I honor each one’s path to it and am learning again and again, to trust in “the holiness of each one’s path. “ I think that is a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh. I still fall into swirls of concern and even despair at times. I am being taught more and more to stay in my own lane. Do my work and shine love wherever I am. See the beauty of each one’s heart. Life becomes lighter each day.
