Tag Archives: grief

Crowning: Preparing to See our own Beauty

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The sky brings new delights each day.

There has been so much inner movement that time seems to have melted away. There is only the now and the stillness. All feels sacred to me. I know the blessing of these holy days and treat them as such. All movement, all thought, all feeling moves toward the one goal…..the ascension of our planet and ourselves with her.

I am frequently overcome with tears as I feel my own light moving,  expanding within me. The task is no longer to see if I have the strength to stand in adversity and density but rather, am I able to stand in the brilliance of my own light. Each moment, it becomes more familiar, more comfortable , more accessible. The gratitude for the gift of knowing myself on a deeper level, is immense. We have been so trained to handle darkness, now we are being asked to step into light and love like we have not tasted since first taking incarnation on the earth. This takes some deep breathing!

Moments from these past few days:

A dream in which I was a child with a sibling of whom, I felt very protective. Another child came into the family with intent to harm my sibling. I tried to alert my parents of the danger but they could not hear me. As I faced this child who seemed to embody all evil,  I was terrified. I heard: “Empty yourself.” The fear drained out of me. Then the injunction: “Fill yourself with love.” With my heart afire, the being melted into the love. What a powerful reminder that there is no force that can stand in the presence of love, it is the ultimate power.

 

A heart on my walk, always the love.

The incident in Connecticut, opening hearts world wide to cry out, No more! Our hearts and souls are clearly stating that we desire to live in a world of peace, where all children are cherished and each one knows that they are loved and are needed. Where all souls know themselves as a vital part of their pod or group and are free to sing their song. As expressed by an acquaintance, Judith Moore:

“These are the days of the soul, the soul of the world, the soul of the human experience, crying out for something better, something more beautiful, something that sustains the life of the sacred planet.”

The Mother's heart standing vigil for all souls

Waves of toning coming through as my voice expresses the sorrow, the lamentations, the joys of this human experience. I have felt humanity as part of me, as we move into the oneness. I have been experiencing waves upon waves of gratitude for each soul on this earth. Knowing all have played their role to perfection, those asleep and those awake (another form of separation as we now know there is no other). My heart has been exploding with the love as I felt their hearts.  What a holy and sacred time. Yes, many will leave with the old consciousness in order to lighten the entry into the new for all of us. My heart thanks them and blesses them on their journey into the light.

News of a cousin choosing to leave by suicide. Feeling her torment as the love that is pouring in has released all the shadows to be felt before being released into the love. It can be overwhelming and many are choosing to take that confusion energy with them. I bless their journey and call in the angels of comfort for those left with the aching heart.

I I had a dream as a gatekeeper, ushering so many souls through a doorway to the new light. What joy! The next day, I read of the role of gatekeepers and felt the confirmation sweep through me that I have been in training for this role.

Tulips feeding my soul with spoonfuls of joy.

I have felt the absolute certainty that the solutions to all of our problems on this earth will abound in rapid succession.  As the weight of oppression that we have lived under, lifts, we will see an explosion of creativity and joy. We are an amazing creative species! What exciting times are ahead.

I participated in a 12-12-12 event with a few other women. We took turns using drums, rattles and crystal bowls to heal what each felt arise within. I knew we were doing it on a planetary scale as the light beings and angels filled the room. We released grief, mind chatter in order to be present, shame (that was a sticky one!), judgment, and removed barriers to receiving love as well as opening to laughter and play. Wow! It was a magical, power filled evening as I could feel so much leaving the planet as the new gifts came in.

I embraced my divinity. I am no longer waiting until I am some idea of perfection. I embrace my divinity in my present state, knowing I am love. Knowing all that is less than love is now consumed by the love of my heart. I am a divine spark of my Mother/Father and I know myself as a delight in their hearts. It is a powerful knowing.

Preparing to walk through the doorway to my divinity and Christ Self.

Truly what we do for ourselves, we do for one another. How can we not love everyone and everything!!! All works for the all……the win- win world, the highest good of all. I so love this universe we are playing in, this beautiful mother who has waited so long for her babes to be ready to move with her, our hearts that are so earnest in our desire to be the love that we are. We are co-creating the new earth now. Each moment we are being asked, what do you want? I want love. I love you and I love me and I love everyone! This year, we will experience the true meaning of Christmas as we birth the Christ in our hearts. Prepare your manger bed well for She/He cometh. May we all be blessed in this love.

Each twinkling light, a heart on fire with its divinity!

Embracing All of Ourselves

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Image from yesterday of Mount Shasta that captures some of the magic that I took part in.

Mount Shasta called me back to experience the OM crystal as it was activated. I felt it as a blast in my body that required a retreat from the darkening cold of the day. I awoke in the night with a belly swollen and cramped as the light sought integration in my body.  I flipped open a book and   came upon this poem that spoke to my heart.

Grief

Reading poems
I question the grief

still in process moving through my belly,
the stiff contours of my throat, the shaking

that lives in back of my thighs, calves,
extreme targets of energy having rested

there for years burrowing in with my mind
saying do not feel, push down and now

nowhere to go except to feel
the slim connection still there, joy

remains behind and underneath
the grief as i allow grief to flow

out, acknowledging yes I have been
too long in pain.

-John Joseph Crimmins

( I could find no personal information on this poet and ask his indulgence to reprint it here.)

Dear hearts braving the cold to come together in honoring this Holy Mountain of Shasta.

I see so many folks in the throes of this pain that is crying out for release. Our bodies will no longer carry this burden, instead they are demanding to be lightened. Our freedom is at hand as all around I hear the nervous laughter and laments, “I am being shredded”, “all is falling apart”, “we are in the fiery furnace”, “my life is out of control”. We are letting go of this stored grief that we had thought so cleverly hidden that none would ever find. I was surprised to find how I had hid lumps of it, deep within my cells. It is the great unmasking as we shed our false selves to come with our bruised and battered hearts to the mirror of ourselves. The mirror asks of us, “Will you love me without the mask? Will you find me acceptable despite my blackened face? Can you see the light in me and love me yet?”

Yes and yes again. I embrace each lump of coal, each sorrow that could not be borne, each arrow that had embedded in my frame. Now is the call to be the warriors of the heart that we are. To acknowledge our mastery, our mysterious natures created from sinew, bone and thought. Our bodies are rejecting the role of landfill of our lives. They are wanting to glow with our heartlight, to dance with fluid expression, to fill with the Christos, the light from on high. Quick, let us be about the plucking of those arrows of shame and remorse, dig out the pockets of betrayal, scrap away the unworthiness and haul up the leaden buckets of not enough love.

Gold, blue, browns.....our mother dazzling in her light.

Our earth has been drilled and filled with toxins aplenty. Our hearts lament, and wish to take action. We look outside ourselves for a cause to join to appease our aching hearts. As in all things, we have been trained to look everywhere but to the one source. It is inward, always has been, in each and every thing. I have made of my body, a dumping ground of the most toxic of thoughts and emotions. I wore my mask well so that none might smell the stench of decaying darkened moments. We spend inordinate time and money to dress well, attend to the hairs on our head, cover our scents with perfumes all the while, the inner dross grows in its darkness. To clear the toxins from our mother’s heart, we must clear our own. This is the work of the now moment. To free ourselves to be the light and beauty that we are. To retrace the steps to each moment of darkness that we could not face. To call upon our angels and star families to take our hands and help us do this thing before us.

It is time to claim stewardship over the microcosm of our beings so as to be enlightened stewards over the macrocosm of this mother of ours.

Many have been in the process of clearing households, letting go of possessions, feeling the freedom that comes from owning less and thereby, having more. This is the next step, to do the internal housekeeping with a loving heart. To embrace each shadow with a heart felt hug, to greet all with a smile of welcome. There is no time to wait. There is no agency to call upon. This task awaits each one. Trust to your courage, your fortitude and call on your team to guide the way. But begin, we must.

As you clear, ask for each cell now vacant to be filled with your own light. Each of us has a storehouse that is larger than our homes, larger than our cities, larger than this dear planet! Yes, you are that light, that love. Call it forth into your newly prepared rooms. The Creator is asking to take up residence in your heart and mine. He/She cannot enter when we have packed all the rooms and shut the doors. The love is wanting to enter in. Toss the judgments out and make room. This is a window given in love, take it in love and run with it. Breathe deep and ask. You will be shown where and how to begin.

A life of lightness and such love awaits. You will no longer need anyone nor anything to assure you that you are OK, that you are acceptable, that you are anything but the love that will course through your veins. This I know to be truth and my heart rejoices in it. Let the river of love flood through your being and your life will be transformed. We will then see true magic as our earthly mother dons her garments of light once again. Do you see? We have held the keys all along. We are the creators of our reality. Which world do you chose to live in? If you choose peace, harmony, abundance for all……make sure you are all these things and it shall come to pass.

Supermoon: Sadness, Softness, Sweetness

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The supermoon rising over the shed in the backyard.

The supermoon of Wesak took me on a  journey of several days that I am just returning from. First she and I entered the realm of sadness and grief. Tears flowed with no known cause yet I knew there had been a completion of significance for my Spirit. Those of you who have journeyed with me these past few years, have witnessed many endings. As recent as six months ago, I recall a death experience where I felt I was done with this third dimensional life, never to take up the reins again. Yet, the cycles began again, as did I. These past few days there was the sense that it was for the young to bring in the new earth. That I had played my part, spread my seeds and now wanted only to sleep in my Mother’s and Father’s arms once again.  My son reminded me that elders were needed and that there was more to be experienced and brought forth. This I knew but could not touch, the sadness engulfed me. I wanted to park my body somewhere and let me Spirit fly free. I did not want to have to care for it, figure out where I am to live, how I am to live. All seemed flat. We need a resting place for weary lightworkers, a way station where the body can be tenderly tended while the Spirit takes a sabbatical to the Great Central Sun, to Venus, to home.

Soft light for a magical sight....the sculptural quality of this calla lily drew me in.

Yesterday I spoke with a facebook friend who has a radio show. I called in and asked about my grief and she affirmed that I had completed by blueprint, and had the option of leaving or staying for more. She said, “You have raised your hand for more.” Yes, I have wakened morning after morning hearing myself saying, “I AM ready!” My physical and emotional bodies have been moving to catch up with my soul’s ever eager desire to serve the light. She told me that my team said, “Linda Marie rocks!” Deep breath…breathing that in. I do rock! I have given everything I have to this path these past few years.

Pink peonies full of perfume and passion, come ignite mine!

A softness washed over me next as I felt the air, the earth, the trees all blur their forms. Everything appeared slightly out of focus, felt softer on my skin. The rawness that I had been feeling so appreciated this.The world had been too bright, too intense for this being that was being birthed from the old Linda. I felt vulnerable and unable to protect myself in the old ways. My heart was fully exposed now, and no intent nor thoughts could cover it again. This softness was letting me know it would be alright to be this exposed. I felt grateful for this place of sanctuary with my sons, sheltered by their love. I even joined a friend in a sweat your prayers dance event. My personality self had no desire to be in public, my back still felt tender and stiff yet my soul was nudging me forward. Ok. soul trumps all. I went. I danced mostly in my own space but even allowed brief encounters with others, even men. Whew…big for me. My soul was right, the dancing moved the sadness out in a bigger way, allowing the softness to take me. I had the evening alone, which I savored as the gift it was. As my son said, “It is a win win for all of us,” as he and his brother and friends departed.  Always I am shown how I am loved. We are all so loved.

This morning, I awoke to sweetness. Yes, I could feel the dearness of life as I moved about

One of my Japanese maples, its shadows dancing on the shed, showing me the way.

the house by myself, smudging the rooms, clearing the energies after the gathering for the Wesak birthday party for my elder son. I had participated in a limited way as the grief was still upon me. The sage did its magic, wafting its sweet fragrance in the air. The wind of the past couple of days was gone and I felt the gentle greeting from the trees and bushes in the yard. The water in the pool sent a sweet message up my leg as I dipped my toes in. Everything shimmered with new light. I cut a couple of peonies to bring into the house that the wind had flattened on the ground. Ummmmm, sweet fragrance. Moving slowly as the Wesak moon and I complete this

The swing that will rock me today in the cool shade and dappled light.

journey. Being gentle with this dear body as she strengthens herself for what is ahead. Allowing myself seclusion from phone calls and friends for the moment as I tend to this new being that is here. I feel as I did with my newborns, simply wanting to be with them, and no other. I can recall the pleasure of night time, when the other babies and husband went to bed and I was alone to nurse and commune with my baby. Oh, the bliss and sweet joy of looking at him or her. To kiss and pet, to ohh and ahh. I am falling in love with these new aspects of me that have arrived on the light of this moon. Stardust and love’s mysteries and a sound that rings in my ears of angel choirs. Time to rock this babe in my arms.

Emptied Out

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The past few days I have been walking a rocky path to my inner landscape. This was reflected in my path to the river today.

A day of tears. I feel hollowed out, empty. I awoke to tears and pain surfacing in a way that felt overwhelming. I had an interaction with someone by phone that left me feeling weak. Intense waves of not being good enough, of being the outsider, of not being worthy of love. As if all the particles of fear in me (all that is not love is fear in some form) coalesced into a huge wave that crashed on my head and took me down to the depths. There I stayed, drowning in my own emotions.

The sun was shining so bright, beaconing me outdoors. I drove to the park and walked by the river. I listened to the ducks communing with one another, watched the geese performing their morning abulations. Saw their community and felt my singularity.

The ducks seemed to reflect the community that I seek.

The past few days have been intensely emotional, my beingness getting an overhaul. What came up strongly this morning was the sense of not being seen, not being accepted for the love that I am. Waves of grief crashed on the shores of my heart. Observing myself in it, knowing it is all me, not really to do with anyone or thing outside of myself. Breathing, watching how it moved in me. Mind judging, this is not pleasant….witnessing. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Only here now with this ache. Sensing the beauty offered by nature but not really able to feel it with all of me. Grateful for it but not extracting the joy that often flows so unbidden when I am with her. My feet carried me over my mother yet I was not connecting.

All busy cleaning themselves for the day ahead, made me smile.

Stopped for a short visit with my sons, brought flowers, my language of love. I could feel their colors and beauty and offered them as words as I looked at my sons brightness yet felt distant from their lives. Came back to this space, so precious to have the alone time. Sleep took me on a journey so deep. I did not really want to come back as it was so nourishing, asking nothing of me except surrender.

I awoke like a baby, wanting my mommy to take charge of what was next. No mommy, only me. I sat and felt the nausea that has been present the past couple of days. What food would calm it? What nourishment was I seeking? A bath, that sounded lovely. I put on some music that fed my soul as I lay in the warmth. Tears came again, a storm of grief. I saw that my feeling of not being accepted or loved in the allness that I am was false. I saw doors being closed to me as others said, too much, too bright. I felt every particle of that pain. But then I saw that it was I who was closing the door to the love offered by my own I AM presence. I was saying, “No, you are too much, too bright to be here.” What will happen if I allow more of my own light in? Who would be able to accept the allness of me? Fears of being even more of an outsider, a person with no place to land that felt welcoming. LIfetimes of persecution were being released from my cellular memories as I cried out to my own light, my own love, my own divinity. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you. I love you. I love you.

The outer world has been reflecting my own non acceptance to me so that I could awaken to the truth. Oh, huge sighs after the storm of tears cleared. No one can fully see me until I fully see and accept and love my own divinity. I have to offer myself a place of safety and rest. I am called to fully accept the gift of love I am being offered by me to me.  I spoke with a friend last night who thanked me for accepting the gift of her. It was a profound moment as I realized that in accepting and seeing the allness of her, her beautiful immense heart of love, I was given the opportunity to accept the magnitude of my own heart, just as she did.

I am left knowing nothing, I am emptied of all ideas of who I am. I let go all striving,

I see the sun's beauty reflected on the water, doing their dance together. Nature again teaching me that I can see my beauty reflected in another, as we gift each other with sparkles of light.

searching, yearning. I am here. I understand the Buddha touching the earth, claiming his selfhood. In the emptiness, I am found. I offer the chalice of my being, an empty cup to be used for highest good of all. There is nothing else. Shall I be filled? Will grace come again? I care not. I lay in this emptiness as a babe. No one told me that this birthing was so like birthing my children, fluids flowing, every fiber of my being engaged to the max, groans and deep sounds releasing.

I find that a bowl of applesauce settles my tummy and my little baby self is pleased. I am honoring the newborn that I am. I am cradling her in warm pjs and blankets. I know not who or what I am. I am here, hollowed out. Yet as I type this a feeling of peace floats in, almost imperceptible.  What a wonder! How gentle the feeling is, come to wrap me in her arms. I am able to feel the gratitude once again. I am going to tuck myself in and allow the dreams to come.