Tag Archives: memories

Old Memories Surfacing to Be Felt

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Nature and life circle back as new growth emerges.

Nature and life circle back as new growth emerges.

Recently, old memories have surfaced at random times throughout my days. I might be walking and a whole scene plays out in front of me. They are painful memories that have lived underground for decades. As my knowing, accepting and loving myself expands, substrates of blackened pain arise. These are memories that I buried deep in order to keep my head above water. I did not know how to feel such pain and still keep the wheels of my life turning. I placed a heavy blanket over these feelings and pressed them down deep. I had to numb myself in order to survive.

As I wrote out a recent memory that surfaced, I was amazed by the depth of darkness that I had lived. When I read it out to others, they suggested that I flesh it out with greater detail as it encapsulated the essence of the last decade of my marriage. I sat with the memory but it would not come into focus. The basic outline was there, but the details were blurred.Was the woman blond? I recall the big boobs that my husband was always attracted to……where did we sit? What was the conversation like amongst the three of us? How did she greet me?

An Easter egg found months later , by my granddaugher, hidden at the base of a tree. Nature added its own fern design.

An Easter egg found months later , by my granddaugher, hidden at the base of a tree. Nature added its own fern design.

I had not been able at that time to attend to the parts of the picture, only the overall feel of it. It would not come into focus as it was viewed through a haze of pain. Why would my husband want me to meet someone he was having an affair with? He never stated this but every gesture between them, hinted at the shared intimacy rather than the work colleague relationship that he had told me that it was. Why would she want to meet me? Perhaps, he did not tell her that he was bringing his wife along. Maybe she was as blindsided as I was. What a strange encounter for both of us.

Part of me wanted to call my former husband and ask these questions. As I felt into that, I knew that he would back away. He has not been able to look at his behavior fully for those years of his acting out. There are huge holes in our story that he has no interest in filling. I have brought up similar memories to him with no satisfactory conclusion. He retreats in defensiveness or offers a blanket apology and asks how long I will keep him on that cross.

I have no interest in doing that. It is an exercise in futility to expect him to do so. These are my memories to clear. Whether someone is still here, accessible for conversation or passed over…the resolution can only come from myself, for myself. I had to accept that with my parents, that they were not able to have a conversation about what happened in the family. My heart that had desired the painful experiences to be resolved and tied up with a sweet bow.That was not possible so I was forced to learn a new way.

I had to find my own peace with it all. I had to turn the black coals of pain into diamonds of understanding. In finding the gift, the jewel in the blackness, I had freed myself from much of the past. I had more of me to move with. From struggling to hold my head above water, I have learned to swim in this watery landscape of emotions. I am amazed that my strokes are more sure and strong, that I can propel myself across time and space and allow myself to float in peace.

The other piece of this, has been accepting others as they are. My former husband and I are friends. We participate in family events and he helps me out with life’s chores; picking me up while I drop my car to be serviced, taking me to physical therapy when I could not drive, bringing me food when I need tending. How can this be? How can such pain live besides friendship? I asked myself this as this recent memory came up and other women in my writing group asked. I felt into it……searched my heart. I found love. In the end, there is only the love.

Always, the underlying love is revealed.

Always, the underlying love is revealed.

We have known one another for decades . We carry memories of one another’s parents, our youth and the raising of our family. To have him in my life, I must accept who he is. He likes crowds and surface relationships, I like one on one interactions that go deep. I acknowledge the places where we can intersect and enjoy them for what is offered. It is freeing to not need him to show up for me in any set way. To allow what is and find my peace within that. To honor the good that is present, without despairing of what is not. To acknowledge the love that exists between us. To honor his beautiful heart that is so giving. We came together to bring in our children. We came to help heal one another. We came to learn of betrayal and forgiveness. Big learnings.

The jewel, the diamond of that time is how I grew to listen and trust my own voice. He played a big role in that. He took over from my mother in that learning. Both had called me crazy when I spoke truth. It took me years to come to trust my own voice, my own knowing. Years to set boundaries that allow me more freedom.

April's eclipse sun

April’s eclipse sun

A work in progress. Who knows what remains to be felt, to be acknowledged within my soul. What I do know, is that I am able. I intend to excavate all the recesses of my heart and fill it with love light. That is the truth of who I am. That is the truth for us all. I honor each one’s path to it and am learning again and again, to trust in “the holiness of each one’s path. “ I think that is a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh. I still fall into swirls of concern and even despair at times. I am being taught more and more to stay in my own lane. Do my work and shine love wherever I am. See the beauty of each one’s heart. Life becomes lighter each day.

Opening the Package of Each Day With Wonder

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On my recent walk, I was greeted at every turn of the path by a deer. Some walked right up to within a couple of feet of me. I felt humbled by their gentle love.

On my recent walk, I was greeted at every turn of the path by a deer. Some walked right up to within a couple of feet of me. I felt humbled by their gentle love.

A week into this beautiful month of November whose energies are gifting us with more of our truth and beauty, and my heart is unfurling its petals.  Each morning, as I lie in my bed singing out a good morning to the beings who surround me, I tune in to our mother earth to hear the “weather report” for the day. Her mother’s heart is glad as more souls have begun to open their petals to the light of love. I feel the echoes of her joy. The days appear as beautifully wrapped packages, and there is a sense of wonder as to what I will find inside. I know that everything has been chosen specifically for me, each moment filled and orchestrated for my benefit! And yours. Each of us receiving the exact formula of light that enables us to open the next doorway. It may come in a plain brown wrapper, holding moments of quiet pain. It may be splashy and loud as one dear to our heart enters the stage to play. Know that each moment holds a key that opens the doorway to grace and peace. A friend calls with a threatening diagnosis, and in the hearing of the words, there is a space that offers peace from which to respond.  My son points out his favorite bird as it flits and dips in and out of the pool, washing itself in the morning light…..offering a space to savor the communion of our hearts with the bird’s and send that note to all. The empty house today offers an open palette, waiting for me to choose the colors. An event is taking place today where an old love is present and my heart fills with a bittersweet pain as I witness part of me wanting to be there. I am called to be tender with myself while this memory washes through, asking for grace to wash me clean.

I felt at one with this log and leaves, nestled together, sinking into the mother in a timeless dance.

I felt at one with this log and leaves, nestled together, sinking into the mother in a timeless dance.

I am learning the art of self care. In the past couple of months I have had biweekly massages, as a gift to this body for all her care of me. It has allowed me to more fully inhabit my body with gratitude for her strength and health. This last massage was on a different level all together. As I lay face down, I felt all the silt in my mind and being, slowly settle into my solar plexus then drain into the earth. I felt myself one with the autumn leaves, lying on the forest floor, returning to the embrace of the mother. I envisioned the violet flame transforming my decay into gold for my mother. She sent up a shot of that elixir that spread throughout my being. I felt my light body above me, raining liquidlovelight into all of my pores. Emptied and filled, over and over. I could hardly speak, with the wonder of it.

A gift for the faeries that I left with the heart rock and acorns I picked up on my walk.

A gift for the faeries that I left with the heart rock and acorns I picked up on my walk.

My sister called to say that she felt the truth of the magnifying glass of the sun burning away all of our warts of pain (my last post). She related how formally, in the resolution of an argument, when peace had been reestablished, there remained behind a nugget of pain in the heart. Now she finds the nuggets are gone with the argument, as our hearts have lost their hiding places. The sun is washing our hearts clean, leaving them open and alive rather than burdened with heavy nuggets of old pain. This is the gift of now as so many old memories surface to be fully felt and acknowledged. Once seen, they are free to depart and we reclaim more of the landscape of our heart. We were conditioned to live in the tiniest of spaces with walls those nuggets built, all about us. Now we are stalwart pioneers, clearing our land so as to dance in fields of flowers under open sky.

Our bodies are asking for this clearing also, as many can attest, with symptoms of increased pain as stored energy releases. A friend is dealing with a painful inflammatory condition. With courage and resolution, he has made radical changes to his diet and lifestyle. In his research, he has found differing opinions as to which foods are inflammatory. Who to believe? His mind struggles with this as his body awaits his attunement to himself and his own expert truth. We are taught to follow the advice of “experts” and yet, I AM the expert on this body as you are of yours. Our bodies know what they need for health. They will offer pain to slow us down, to get our attention and move us more fully into our hearts. Our cells hold memories that ask to see the light of day and then depart like the decomposing leaves. I honor my body as my wisdom keeper and I bow to her knowing in full trust.

The sun and clouds shooting their lovelight to me.

The sun and clouds streaming their lovelight to me.

The garbage collectors have just taken away the pile of debris that we have cleared from the property. Earlier a load was dropped at Goodwill and gallons of old paint were taken to a paint store to be recycled. All the clearing of the last couple of weeks, has left me clear and spacious, mirroring on the outer, the inner process. Tuning in, my body is asking  for a gentle walk and stretch rather than the bright, sharp dose of exercise it desired yesterday. Creativity is calling as my newest beloved painting awaits its beads of beauty. A friend pops in my heart and I feel a phone call happening. I move into this day with gratitude to myself for bringing me all that I need. I breathe in the knowing that I am in my perfect place, singing my tone of love. I know each moment will arrange itself in the perfect timing. I breathe that knowing through me and to you as we surrender to the flow of grace that is pouring in. Let us open our hands and hearts to receive this lovelight.