Restless

Posted on August 16, 2022 by lovelylinda

A favorite spot outside the library to sit and muse.

We are IN the time of transformation. Not approaching it, nor feeling complete with it…..simply in it. It looks different for all of us. For me it is hot flashes surging, a need for bodily comfort, exhaustion, frustration, bouts of creativity then flatness.

Restlessness is the biggest sign to me that I am about to make a big shift. I look at photos of views from around the world. Water and mountains does something to my soul. I yearn for a wide vista that showcases these two elements to dream in and with. I feel confined in my upstairs apartment though I can walk into nature and drive five or ten minutes to a little lake or pond. The energy is not often there to act on my yearnings. I do make it out to swim most days that the sun shines warmly, as that nourishes me.

This wild flower grew about eight feet tall and then bent over, making a fairy arch for me to walk under as I enter my apartment.

I liken myself to a puppet on strings. I animate myself for the grandkids, perking up with smiles and patience and joy. Once my day of care is done, I lie flat, my strings slack on the ground. I read to occupy my mind or take deep naps. Nights are short so the fatigue is present. I finally did my dishes after three days of piling things up for later. It takes all that I have to show up for the kids and my body’s needs. Chocolate is a dear companion. As well as ice cream from the village store across the street. I watch the old farmers stop in for their morning coffee and roll, later they come back for ice cream cones. Often they have their grandkids or their dogs. Yes, the dogs are served ice cream cones too. There are a number of regulars. The young girl who serves the ice cream sits down by them and makes them eat it in four bites instead of just one. Life is full of hard work here in Northern Vermont. Winter is an ever present awareness so summer is a time of getting things done.

I love the clouds.

At the recent Old Home Day, I was browsing the book sale. A farmer and I started chatting. He said that he was gathering a few for the winter. He said he could not understand how anyone had time to read in the summer. He was flat out getting crops in and wood split and house and barn repairs done. He said that winter was his reading time in the evenings when the dark enters at 4 pm and stays late in the mornings.

The restlessness comes over me and yet, I do not get in my car and drive off like I have in the past. I recognize that I am still in need of this cocoon about me. My spirit is ready for a bigger, more magical life but my body needs comfort. I need the ease of clothes in the closet to choose from, the food in the fridge, the twinkle lights and my sewing machine. When I have a couple of days in a row of rest each week, then I sew as a form of creativity and meditation. I just finished making myself a duvet cover out of soft white linen. It pleases me immensely to look at it and was a dream to sleep under last night. I had removed my down comforter for the summer but now the night time temperatures have dipped into the forties and I found myself shivering at 3 a.m. So, the lighter down comforter is back and snugged inside its new cover. Joy! It is the little things.

Hearts continue to show up and let me know how I am loved.

I am dreaming this new world into being. That is what we can do in the moments. Be the love, feel it, dream it. Let our imaginations flow with the wonders that we know, deep in our hearts, are ours to create. I am choosing to meet this restlessness with an inner joy. The heartbeat of excitement, anticipation, wonder. I know that this swirling energy will settle and we will be amazed at what appears. I am grateful to my body for its steadfastness on this journey. She is a wonder being and I hold her in love. It has not been easy.

Grandchild about to arrive so time to get dressed and be the Nana that I am.

The Season of Gratitude

Posted on November 13, 2021 by lovelylinda

The dying milkweed releases its seeds of new life. We are in this same process now.

The chaos swirls around us and can sweep us up into its eye. There are times that I feel like an old sock, wrung out and limp. There are times that I feel like a balloon, blown up so that my belly is a drum that calls for my loosest pants. There are times where I lie upon this almost frozen ground of Northern Vermont, my face turned to the sun, my bare feet on the ground and I feel that I am plugged into a battery that recharges my system. There are times that I cannot venture outside despite the sun beckoning. There are times that lying on the couch, snacking and watching videos consumes hours so that my body rests. There are times where there is no sleep as my heart is on fire with pain or my body tired but wired with energy flowing. There are times when sharp pains come and go, times where the pain lingers and keeps me close to my nest.

Thank goodness my heart has a flame of faith that burns bright. It holds an image of the new world that I desire for myself, my children, my grandbabies, and theirs, to live in. My heart sings the notes of harmony, of peace and bliss. I know that I am in place for this transition. I am grateful for all the softness that I arranged and granted myself in this lifetime. Dear friends, who uplift me and carry my heart when it is heavy with pain. I have not found friends here since our move a year and a half ago, except for a couple of dear hearts. Yet the ones I call and communicate with, but can no longer physically be with, are my anchors in this new world. How grateful I am for each one. My three adult children are lights that hold me in their embrace and nourish me with hugs and love. My former hubby, my daughter-in-love add to the strength of my days here. My two grandchildren are pure flames of love that enrich each of my days. Their eyes are jewels, sparkling so, that at times, I almost reel from the power of their lovelight.

Gratitude flows easily, even when I am feeling the extremity of some new horror appearing on the world’s screen. The children are my hearts, the new experimental drug that is being offered to them, took me through nights of despair as I felt every intent behind this injection. I had to feel it all the way through, processing it through my body, so as to know deeply every nuance of its frequency. After wrestling with this for three days and nights, I came out on the other side knowing that my job now is to hold the children in love and ask for the highest possible outcome. I trust the greater plan to awaken more people to what is taking place in this matrix world, though it hurts my heart that children are being used in this way . As a grandmother, I stand with the other wise women in this world, to harmonize and bring all to the lovelight. May parents wake up and stand guard before their children and protect the light that they are.

The last of flowering bushes, each bud in the shape of a heart!

My days give ample opportunities for gratitude. A ten minute walk takes me to the organic farm where I pick up my fresh veggie allotment for the week. All winter long, their greenhouses produce fresh sprouts and greens, vibrant and alive. They provide recipes that help me know what to do with some veggies that I am not familiar with. Closer still is the organic meat stand where I can buy meat that has been raised here, by loving owners who care for their animals in the best ways. There is a general store that sells organic supplies, a village store that sells whatever else is needed. Our friends who keep a few cows, provide us with organic raw milk that is topped with so much cream, I find myself patting and thanking the cows when I am out at the farm. A post office with friendly workers and trails that weave in and out of the village for snowmobiles and skiers. I will be a snowshoer, free to use the paths also. It is wonderful that landowners around here, rearrange their fences in the winter in order to allow the hundred miles of trails that the local outdoor center, keeps groomed. We have yet to have snow though it is in the forecast.

The last of the color of autumn.

The best is my nine month old granddaughter who has learned to crawl to and knock on the connecting door between the downstairs and my upstairs apartment. She lets me know that she wants to come up for a visit. I am blessed that my son and daughter-in-love, have turned the upstairs of their farmhouse, into this space. My former hubby, both sons and I, worked to create a kitchen and living room from two of the three bedrooms. There remains one large bedroom with space for the six year old’s more physical imaginary play…jump off the bed, tumble on the floor, run around. I homeschool him a couple of mornings a week, while my daughter works. It is such a joy to see him reading! It is one thing that I have always loved to teach and that I promised all my kids I would do for their children, as I did for them. I am grateful to be here to fulfill this desire.

Thanksgiving approaches in less than two weeks time and its energy is flowing strongly through me. I feel the richness and depth of joy that is possible with connection and love. I breathe this out to all of humanity, that all be cherished, that all know love and that they are love. That everyone has a place where they are needed, where they are honored for who they are. May we hold steady as the old falls around us. May we not be swept into the whirlwind of collapse, but hold the center of peace. This is who we are, this is what we do. God bless us all.

Surrendering to Pain and its Lessons

Posted on July 8, 2021 by lovelylinda

The windmill atop the hill behind the house.

It has been about ten days or so of pain and discomfort in my back. I have had back issues on and off for years yet none have taken so long to resolve. My body is strong in its willingness to do as I ask of it, when I ask. Now, it asks me to move in a new way, a new energy. My old way held a gritting my teeth energy. I had thought that long behind me since I stepped onto this path of beingness over a decade ago. Yet, the recent move of our family brought out my old “can do” energy despite my knowing that I was to walk it differently.

Homemade naan bread and fresh delights by my daughter-in-love.

This has been a deep surrender on much more than only the physical level. I have had to have help which my family has graciously given. They have taken it in turns, to make sure that I have had food and assistance as well as company and a showering of love. One morning, my former hubby came to check in and make me breakfast. I was not feeling hungry and started to say so when I heard, “The food is the vehicle for the love. Accept the love and allow it to nourish you.” Yes, I allowed and ate the love that created it. I had thought myself balanced on the receiving end after a half century of the giving side. I was raised to believe that love came through service, and I emptied my well of self over and over in pursuit of that love. These days have shown where I still held remnants of that belief that I had to be giving in order to be loved. I have sunk into the love given with a deep sigh of gratitude and appreciation.

I have been moved to stillness, to a time of drifting. I have turned to my old coping mechanisms; books, movies, sweets. All having their place yet not touching what needed touching within. I have felt the loosening of bonds. I have watched myself react in old ways, the attempting to control, fix or change people or circumstances. Of wanting all to feel comfort and softness. There is a falling away as the energy does not hold….it dissipates as I form it. I am now sensing the old reaction form and knowing that I can watch it and allow it to recede without moving to form. I can bear witness to all these aspects of self and feel compassion and love for myself and all of us. We are such tender beings. Oh, how we strive and work to be more. Our own beauty and mastery eclipsed by the story of not being enough.

Vibrant poppies outside my door.

Each day, more falls away. The pain has moved to discomfort, my body keeping me in check if my mind harbors an idea of what I will do. Slowly, slowing down to its pace. Movements careful and full of presence or the spasms take over. Grateful for the easing that is happening, the greater connection to this beautiful body that has held up through so much heaviness with few complaints. Letting go of any idea of how each day, each hour will be. Allowing myself this drifting, the ability to rise without using a prop and then needing the prop once again. Back and forth, surrendering to what presents, to what I am called to.

The new comes closer, on the edge of my awareness, a dream like quality of joy. If I turn and feel for it directly, it moves away. The stillness invites it in. I lie here dreamweaving the future I choose to live in. The future where we are free to love everything and everyone. The future that my grandchildren embody, their eyes ablaze with starlight beams from home. My sweet five month old granddaughter takes me breath away each time I see her, whether it has been an hour or a day. She is so bright! Fortunately, I live above her in a beautiful space that allows me freedom to dream as well as easy access to the love of my son’s family below me. Sweetness.

I know the privilege of space and time that I have. As I sink deeper into the dream and weave the lovelight that I am, I feel all hearts’ desiring for this new world. May we all dream it together and relish all the moments along the way. We are awesome creators. We are beautiful. May we all come to know our own beauty.

The Lion’s Gate Portal and Pain

Posted on August 8, 2019 by lovelylinda

Latest swimming spot

My world of late reflects these intense times. My back aches and makes sleep elusive. Time sitting, especially in cars is no longer easy. Camping trips have been cancelled and my hermit/nun existence moves further inward. I do my back exercises, get acupuncture treatments, walk by the river and play in the pool with my grandson. An unexpected delight of the summer has been swimming in the nearby river. The current is swift but there are places where lovely stretches off the main river can be found. I enjoy the feeling of swimming almost in place as my legs and arms strive for forward movement. It makes me laugh! There follows the reward of a gentle float back downstream, lying on my back, watching the bank flow by. Then the quick movement to eject myself from the river’s slipstream to reach the bank.

I pick blackberries warmed by the sun on my walk there and back. The wildness of the river and the berries resonate on a cellular level with a wildness in my soul and body that seeks greater expression. I can feel the enlivening and it brings me joy. I sense that all of nature is coming alive in a new way and it is transmitted to me in these connections. I need to feel these glimmers of a greater aliveness that herald the new that is to come for us all.

Then there are days where it feels as if a plug has been pulled and every drop of energy has drained from my form. I can hardly animate it. I lie exhausted on my bed or couch, a book at hand if there is a modicum of energy or mindless netflix shows if there are mere drops. If none, I watch the movement of the leaves on the trees outside the windows. If I do not have food in the refrigerator, I am glad of buttered toast from the loaf stashed in the freezer. Amazing how long I can put off going to the grocery store or any other errands. I feel all those who suffer chronic pain, the limitations, the drawing in. What courage it takes to keep joy alive.

I spend much of my time with my daughter and grandson. I sleep over at the family house on weekends and when the three year old requests my presence. He is just back from a two week trip to see his father in Montreal (Yes, crazy that a three year old has to be so long from his mother. California courts and a father who is not able to honor his child’s needs above his own) so he wants the reassurance of his grandpa and me close at hand. This morning I awoke and went to the bathroom, to find the big blue exercise ball by the toilet. I called out to the scamp who must have rolled it in. He laughed and said, “Nana, that means this is a cracker day!” What is that?, I ask. He just made it up and finds it hilarious and so the day began with laughter and silliness. What kind of animal was I this morning? Could I guess what kind he was? Ok, I am a kodiak bear and he is a chinook salmon and we will see how that turns out!

A recent trip to San Francisco to pick up my grandson from his trip, the fog was shrouding the Golden Gate bridge just as this anger shrouded my heart.

Earlier this week, I had three days of intense anger flow through me at the patriarchy and its power over others. I observe how we bring issues in on a personal level to connect us to the global level. It came into my world with a court date where my daughter’s child support was reduced as her soon to be former husband wielded his financial savvy and control. I felt the struggle of single mothers to support and nurture their children while our society turns a blind eye. I felt all the abuse from the Catholic church of my youth, the power men have held over women. I felt the horrors of human trafficking and pediphilia. The anger was like a fire in my veins and I felt that I could smote all who used this power to harm. Moments of unconsciousness appeared in males around me and my level of fatigue with it brought me to my knees. I have no patience for it. I want to shake them and say, “Wake up!” It is time for the masculine to wake up. I have held space for this for so long and have so much compassion for the masculine as it moves from its aggressive warrior stance to becoming warriors of the heart, protectors of women and children, of innocence and truth.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of his love.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of love.

It has not been an easy road for them, I know this. I do see signs of this happening, there are beautifully conscious males, especially in my sons’ generation and even more so, in my grandson’s as these souls come in balanced in their masculine and feminine aspects. Thankfully, each generation freer from the old programming.

Grief and sadness followed in the wake of anger’s fire. It held me in its grip for days until it suddenly released. These are the times we are in. Duality presents in heightened tones asking to be brought into harmony. My body is a cauldron where an alchemy takes place, turning the unspeakable into the liquid gold lovelight. It takes all that I Am.

I feel as worn as the wedding band of my former twenty-five year marriage. Thin to begin with, it lost its edges, softening with the daily wear and tear of old patterns of partnership and union.

The Lion’s Gate portal has opened as this night moves towards day. I have felt Mother Sekmet’s fire flowing this week and her sword swinging amongst the distortions of power and love. Tonight, the white lions come in, lying beside me as I type. They lick my heart and offer solace. I feel all the pain falling away. I sense the lovelight flowing as I move through this gate. We are being gifted with so much more of our essence. I see sovereignty entering in as our young men and women claim their power in authentic ways and wield it for the greater good.

I was delighted that this heart rock wanted to be balanced to shine its love to all by the river!

Bliss and despair, hope and hallowed, beauty and fear. All to be held in our hearts, to be allowed, to be accepted and loved. What a glorious thing we are doing here on this earth. What a privilege to play a part in it. God bless us all in our tenderness and dearness.

What Matters

Posted on November 15, 2017 by lovelylinda

The other night I watched a lovely film on Netflix called, ” What We Did On Our Holiday”. I so love when a film is able to reveal a truth. There is a grandad who is able to listen to his troubled, serious-minded granddaughter. At one point, he directs her to steer the truck, which terrifies her as it is so outside of her experience as well as the “rules” for a child. He says:

” You need to live more and think less.”

Great advice to all of us on this journey. Our minds have to take a backseat to our hearts as we allow our heart light to lead us into this new landscape, of which we know so little.

The granddaughter tells her grandad that she is so fed up with her parents, who are in the midst of a separation. She is tired of the lies and so angry with them. Her grandad tells her:

” I used to feel that way with my lot too till I suddenly realized that there was no point in being angry with people that I loved for being what they are….

The truth is every human being on this planet is ridiculous in their own way. So we shouldn’t judge and we shouldn’t fight because in the end…..in the end, none of it matters. None of this stuff. ”

An invitation by the rocks to come deeper into myself.

The grandad spoke so clearly and truthfully and allowed his granddaughter a way out of her mind’s confusion. She could take the road of love rather than trying to make sense of a situation that made no sense in her world. How does it make sense for people who loved one another to no longer feel love? This is changing as we come to know the truth that none of the personality stuff matters, that the essence of who we are is love. That love never dies once experienced. We can allow the old grudges, hurts and pains to fade away. We can rewrite the past in a way that allows our hearts to know the truth of love.

The leaves don’t resent the frost for causing their fall from the branch. They accept it all as part of the cycle of life moving them onward to their next experience. All that comes into our world, is a gift for us. A means to move us towards more growth, more capacity to love.

The leaves letting go of their vibrant colors to become the duff of the forest floor.

At present, the waves of lovelight streaming into our planet are extraordinary. They are forcing all that is not love, all that truly is ridiculous, as the granddad said, to surface to be loved and allowed to move off. One of the characters is caught on video having a violent breakdown in a local shop. Her rage is off the charts as she throws boxes of things at another woman. Once brought to light, she is freed from the stigma of depression and taking medication as her husband and community support her. You sense, that in finally being seen, she will find her world view lightened.

We are called to this now, to take off our masks, to bring all of ourselves to light. To have the courage to allow others to see us and to see all others through the lens of love. As we remove the sting of fear, we bring in the balm of love. This is how we create the new world. Heart by heart, we are singing a new song. Let us all add our note as it takes each one of us, to create the harmony we seek.

Flames of Transformation Pounding This Weary Body

Posted on February 13, 2014 by lovelylinda

Shadows hinting at our taller, thinner forms to come?

Intense energy days….today my head felt like it was being hit by a hammer. So heavy, made me feel ill. My body has been sweating as the fires of transformation continue to burn. As a friend said to me: “We are transforming into flames of love!” That is a better image than mine of a sledgehammer hitting me! Today I believe it. My body has felt so heavy and dense, each morning it seems to take longer to get it moving. The dissonance between the freedom of my dream time and this reality is more and more difficult to navigate. Tears of weariness arise along with a sense that we will soon be shining ones. Both feelings present…..how to be present with them both?

We are right in the midst of immense movement, excitement a current running through me. All that I have dreamt of and held a vision of, seems almost palpable. Our new world, shimmering at the edge of our sight. I heard the word, purify, in relation to this week. My mind went into its old aesthetic mode: “Oh, we will fast.” My body quickly said no to that. She told me I was too fragile emotionally for that and needed comfort food and warmth or coolness. Indeed, chocolate, sugar and salt have been my food groups of choice, alerting me that change is in process. My body knows something big is up and she will not be the same. Purification is coming in the form of inner heat, it is building the head pressure, sleepiness and sleeplessness. This afternoon I could do nothing but lie down and let sleep take me, tonight it is after 4am and I sit here with the fire for company, the moon illuminating the sky.

Oh, this transforming is not easy. There are moments when I do not think I can go on. It feels like I have lived this limited life forever. I observe others moving about with energy to do a hundred things and I sit or lie here breathing in and out with energy for no thing. Other times, I am pulsing with the lovelight and on fire with the knowing that all is on track.

Last month’s full moon rising…time is disappearing.

Our earth is burning with heat in the southern hemisphere, flooding and freezing in the north, all in flux. I feel all of this with her as the flames and chills roll through me and the pounding waves batter me. We are all seeking balance and a clear vessel to move in. There is only surrender to this moment. To feel every emotion fully, to allow it to play itself out and open to the next. I am safe and warm, surrounded by the dark, quiet house, the fire flickering in the hearth. I send out ribbons of heartlight to all those suffering in this night. I pray for freedom and blessings for all. Hold on, I hear. Hold on. A world beyond our imaginings is about to be born.

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