Tag Archives: shadow self

Allowing my Feelings to Flow Fully

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I continue to marvel at the way life brings to us exactly what we need, when we need it. I look back at all the years that I lived my life trying to orchestrate events through my mind. I was not able to accept life as it presented itself to me. I attempted to control how others should act, to control my feelings, tamping them down in the mistaken belief that life would be easier that way. I believed that I would be happy if a set of circumstances that I held to, came to be. I spent a great deal of time and energy opposing what was, in an attempt to create my own version of the magic lands.

I love the fierceness and wildness of some of the Maori images. They are expressing truth.

And lo, and behold……I am living in those very magic lands these days. I arrive more fully each day as I begin my day with a surrender to my higher self, Sophia, to be in the driver’s seat. I put all my trust in her, which of course, is myself. I trust me completely. I trust the benevolent nature of this universe. I trust Creator. From this place of trust, I observe everything that comes into my world. The energies are becoming much clearer in vibration and tone. I watch the interplay, hear the music that is being sung. There is only one tone that captures my attention these days. It is the tone of love. I want to listen to it, broadcast it, be bathed in it, sing it with others in conversation and silence. I hear it underneath all other tones, asking to be heard and amplified through my heart. The tones of love are what make up this world of ours.

Love resides in everything. It is the most freeing of feelings as we are born to love. We are love! I am feeling the freedom of loving all of life. It is a fiery feeling, the intensity is immense. I used to be afraid of my feelings, of the power of love that I felt coursing through me. Society taught me this from a young age. I felt too much, I wanted too much, I was too much. We were taught that you could not love freely, it was reserved for certain people in certain times. We were taught that you must love your parents, even if they were awful to you. We were taught that you could not love someone if they were in a relationship with another. We were taught to mistrust others of our own sex, that they were competition for the scarce commodity of love that was out there. We were taught that our feelings were dangerous and were to be hidden from others to the point where we hid them from ourselves.

In doing so, we have allowed the shadowlands to grow in size and scope. We are a society riddled with addictions, fearful of owning our truth, fearful of being seen. We have lost the ability to see others as we have not been able to fully see ourselves. We have been taught to shine out our bright side, to hide any sign of weakness as our enemies might use it against us. We have created an us vs them world. Yet, there is only us….one people on planet earth. One tribe, the tribe of many colors, the rainbow tribe. It is time to take off the masks and uncover the truth of ourselves. It is truth that what we judge in another is a part of ourselves needing love.

I have just finished reading, The Flaming Serpent by Aine Armour. Here are some of her words that resonated deeply in my heart:

“You must be honest with your feelings. You must allow yourself to feel them. They are the language of your own soul speaking to you…So often humans judge their feelings as wrong and so they suppress them, repress them. The feelings do not go away. They go into the body, into the energy system and continue to create-feelings create.  They are the juice of creation, the water of life. If they are repressed and unacknowledged they begin to create the shadow of the feeling they originated from….It is not the feeling that causes harm, it is what we do with the feeling that can cause harm.”

We fear the flame with its dying, forgetting it unleashes the seed of the new. In every death, exists the rebirth.

I so enjoy uncovering another belief that I have been unconsciously living by. I love the freedom that comes as I dismantle the lie and allow myself to breathe fully in the open space now at hand. I AM LOVE! This I know in all of me. I can allow myself to feel this love fully in all of its aspects. I can use my discernment as to when and how to act upon my feelings as they show up in my world. Who in this world has enough love? Who would not be grateful to know that they are loved? We have so limited our version of love. If it be for someone of the opposite sex, we bring sex into the equation. We do not trust ourselves to love deeply for fear we may cause harm to another. Yet, it is our intention that is all. I intend no harm come from my love. My love is a cosmos and we limit it to a physical expression that is the tip of the iceberg. We are taught that romantic love is all with its erotic charge that quickly grows stale. We are taught the sanctity of the parent- child relationship without allowing it the freedom to be more or less than that.

Love is to be fully felt, fully given in each moment. We can look into another’s eyes for a moment and exchange lifetimes of love. There is such a blessing in this for both parties. I am learning to love so fully that I no longer hold anyone or thing that I love. I bring all of me to each moment, allowing the love to flow in a continuous stream from my heart. I am free to bathe all of it in my love. I recognize no limits nor confines for this love. It flows in a never ending stream from Creator to my heart. My chalice which I offer anew each day to my Mother/Father, is filled with a radiant stream of liquidlovelight that overflows from my heart to yours. I am a conduit for love. I am the stream of love. I am infilled with love. The wonder of this!

I used to hold it in my heart, even close off my heart from receiving what my Mother/Father freely gave. I used my mind to decide where the love should go, who was deserving of my love. I gave time and again from an empty cup as I did not believe myself deserving of love. I felt flawed, damaged. If I expressed any emotion but love, I crawled into the shadows of the cave of shame where no light entered. Anger sent me there, impatience was a pass to the cave. I judged myself harshly and meted out punishment without mercy. Talk about an executioner! Whew, I wielded that sword with a vengence. Each time I crawled out of the cave, determined to be love, to walk in light, to take the high road in all situations. Each time an emotion other than love rose up in me, I took myself to the cave, asked for the nails to be hung on the cross of shame and guilt. My self loathing grew with my rage. My former hubby used to say that he was a good guy 26 days out of the month, but watch out for those other few days. That was when the illusion broke and the moon in her wisdom, drew forth the fiery truth of my soul. I would find myself raging, as feelings stuffed all month long, came pouring out in a violent cascade. They came to teach me, to ask for honoring. I would respond with horror and as my hormones settled, I would stuff them back into the recesses of the cave and place myself at the entrance, setting guard so that they would never see the light of day. 26 days later, they would overwhelm me once again and make their escape into my outer world. I suffered, those around me suffered their wrath. The remorse, the incrimination would enter in and the cycle continued its mad merry go round.

Part of a Nicholas Roerich painting that was a wedding gift eons ago. I have always loved this image of a man sitting on a mountaintop, tending the fire of his heart.

Eventually, I went deep enough into the darkness that I longed only to stay there. That is when I discovered a flame inside of me that illumined a truth. It told me that I was good, that I was love, that I was lovable. By holding to that flame, allowing it to burn within, I found my way out of the cave. I live in a state of grace and peace these days. I feel every feeling that comes my way, fully and completely. I can feel anger without spewing it at another or myself. I did not know how to do that before. I accept all that triggers me as my own, not looking to another to be the cause of my feelings. I thank each person that flips a trigger in me as it allows me to let go the charge. Once fully felt and met, triggers disappear. No one taught me this. I have learned to use my voice to express whatever feeling is present. It is the quickest way that I have found to move energy. I identify where the feeling is in my body and allow the sound it is holding to come out. I do not judge if it is a pretty sound or a grating sound, a groaning or a whining or a keening. All is welcome to be expressed. I tone until the space is clear and empty. I then use my voice to infill that space with my Mother/Father’s presence of love. I ask Sophia to more fully inhabit that space, to love it completely. I know of someone who had cervical cancer. She realized that the cancer grew in the place where she had not fully loved herself. The space she had not fully occupied. Nature abhors a vacuum. I wish to occupy my whole self, this beautiful body which works so hard to hold my light and points out to me where the darkness is that is seeking release through the tones of love. Our bodies know all! They are the wisdom keepers. Ask and you will be shown where you are unaware, where vacuums exist, where cobwebs have been allowed to grow. How many of us have parts of our body that we think unkind thoughts to; “I hate my butt, my shoulder is a pain, my breasts are too small…” The litany goes on. Our body is our friend, seeking love as we are. We can speak to it with tenderness, gift it with what it needs rather than what our minds tells us is the latest news as to how to treat it. We are unique and there is no one size fits all treatment for our bodies though society would have us believe it. We would rather see a doctor and take a pill than take the time to listen to our body. It will tell us exactly what it needs to be a healthy container for us, but we must become able to translate its thoughts. We do this by engaging our senses in the subtle realms of spirit.

We are all looking for permission to feel without judgment.  I give you that permission this day. In doing so, feeling everything that shows up in our world, we begin to know ourselves. And what beauty is there, waiting to be seen! Claim it! I love you.

 

 

Forgiveness of Self……

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the magolia tree that I chose and helped plant years ago at my former home, revisited this spring to witness its beauty.

I just posted a blog indicating that I deleted the one from the day before. I have reconsidered and instead have edited it and decided to post what remained. The reason is that it was a knee jerk reaction in the old way. I was punishing myself as my mind was saying, ” How can you write about love when you just found yourself judging another? That if I observed a flaw in myself, then I am flawed all the way through. Old energy of self punishment. I am a complex character, holding great light as well as darker aspects. All of me is desiring to be only love. I ask for this each day, to be a living chalice of lovelight to be used by the Creator for the good of all. That is my heart’s intent. And as my call is answered with more love flooding in, the tides must wash out what no longer resonates. For this, my heart rejoices  but my personality self felt shame. I am allowing that to wash away on the tide of love that has once again flooded my being tonight. This is progress, in the old days I would have been laid low for a week from this experience. Thank you Creator for these quicker, lighter energies that move us to our truth.

Yesterday felt like the first day of Spring here in Northern California. The sun was shining, the air felt fresh rather than chilly and the earth emitted that delicious smell that portends new growth. I laid my blanket on the ground and took a nap. It was still a bit damp and cold yet my body soaked it in like a sponge. I so needed that elemental connection with my mother. This magnolia tree that I chose and planted years ago at my former family home was a delight to visit it as it opened its blossoms to the sky. What a color! The blossoms like hearts of love opening just as hearts are opening all over the world. What a time we live in! To witness this love explosion happening on the planet is a gift from our Creator.

The new moon stirred up the energies and it felt a bit unsettling as they swirled about. My eldest son texted me that he felt so emotional, weepy as if all boundaries between him and others had disappeared. He could feel each one’s heart and it was almost painful. He is a druid of old, a nature being with a deep connection to the earth. The energies move through him on a level most of us have not felt. I honored him for his pure heart of love and suggested he change his plans of the day to match his vibration. He was headed into San Francisco but needed to lie under his favorite oak tree in a park and be still. He chose the latter and we all benefited from that choice. When we care for ourselves, we care for all. When we allow the peace to enter in, we are being peace for the earth. This is such a fundamental lesson that we are not taught. We are all wired differently, all connected to the earth, the oceans, the sky in different ways. We are learning to honor the ways of our bodies and spirits. We are leaving behind the idea of “normal” and embracing the uniqueness as well as the oneness of all. In the past, we have cast out the mystics, the dreamers, the wanderers, who do not fit in one of society’s pegs. In the present time they are often our homeless wandering the streets. Now we are opening the door to them. I feel such a tenderness for all beings, for each one’s special gift. My daily prayer is for each person to know their own beauty and to share it openly with the world. A friend sent a poem with a line that lingered: “How strange now that I am walking my path, others see me as wasting my life.” He had stepped off the wheel of the working day world, letting go the house, the marriage, the job to enter into the mystery that has called his name. He is writing beautiful poetry and feeling new connections within. This is the blossoming of the soul that is happening all over this planet at warp speed. The heart is emerging as the pathfinder and no longer believes the limitations set by the mind and conditioned by society.

The love that is emerging on the planet is so much larger than any idea we have held. Recently I noticed how we are moving from our minds to our hearts. The old way was to allow our minds to have full rein, to attempt to control situations and people.The mind is what keeps the story churning, believing it can “make sense” of a situation if it only “thinks” enough. This is the lie.(How many hours did I spend trying to figure things out over the years!!)  It is only by turning to the wisdom of the heart, that truth can be known. I understand only too well that place of being stuck in the monkey mind and how difficult it is to surrender and let the story go. I was living there for so long.

The more we grow on this path of love, the clearer it becomes that what appears as suffering, has a higher purpose for the soul. I trust that this is the path that the soul has chosen to awaken further to their own truth. Suffering is often a catalyst for awakening, certainly it has been in my life. I am so grateful for every moment that it took before I turned to my heart and saw truth. I used to beat myself up for how long it did take but  have discovered that it takes as long as it takes for us to awaken. I had to forgive myself for all the years that I suffered and know that was what it took for my soul. (if you read the post on humility you will see that here I thought I had forgiven myself but there was another layer yet to go, shadows can be tricky characters) All that I perceived as coming from the outside to harm me, was a reflection of my not valuing my own worth and giving away my own power. 377923_150023841763777_100002684869050_174562_322300789_n-300x191.jpg

This photo was posted on facebook and I so love it! I do not know the person who took it but acknowledge your great photo skills! It expresses the liquid lovelight that I bathe in each day. Can you feel it?

We are truly entering into the new earth. The changes are apparent in our hearts. This is how it happens, not through some big revolution, though there will be changes in the outer structures of society, but it comes by way of the heart. Each person, letting go, loosening their ideas of right and wrong, good and bad. Returning love for anger, softness where there is hardness, peace rather than judgment. The hearts speaking rather than the mind. We are witnessing an inner revolution in the space of each one’s heart. Tune in to yours today. Love it dearly for the dearness that you are and remember to “turn on your heartlight” so that others can see it shine!

 

Humility

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What a day of lessons for me. I have taken down my post from yesterday and ask for an open heart of any who read it before I deleted it. If you read it, you would have witnessed judgment loud and clear from me. My shadow came leaping out in my need to judge a friend who was going through a difficult time. I was so uncomfortable with what I perceived as her pain that I  judged her rather than allowing myself to be with her. I used her as my mirror, I was still holding judgment of myself for how long it took me to wake up. For how long I stayed in suffering mode at the end of my marriage and the time it took for me to recover myself. I violated her trust by writing a judgment of her on my blog. Big shadow stuff…..processing it, asking for forgiveness from her, forgiving myself.

I had no idea that was still there. I had to sit for a time to really process this and get some understanding of what this shadow aspect was about. Wow, powerful stuff. My it is hard to forgive ourselves and let it go. Here I am cruising along, feeling more love each day and then this. I know that as more love comes in, all that is not love must flow out. I have watched this happen to others, felt it for myself but this was somehow trickier for me to catch. Now here it is for me to learn from. Whew…..not fun but I am grateful for this. I do not have to attach to this but rather see it, feel it and let it go. I know the words and now have to breathe deep to live them.

Linda to self: “OK, dear little one who thought that you did it all wrong, come here. It is alright that you suffered as you did. It all helped you to come to this place of knowing your own heart light. To understand that you are love and lovable. You were courageous, you are dear. You gave love and did not know that you had to learn to love yourself first. You are learning that now. It is all ok. You are safe now and are in my heart of love. I love you.”

I feel such gratitude that this storm came, that it shook me so deeply and turned my heart upside down. I am asking to continue to be bathed in liquid lovelight and to let go of all that is not love in my heart. I am grateful to my dear friend’s heart, for forgiving me. I am grateful for the moment to moment opportunity to begin anew with God’s love. I am grateful for my I Am presence for speaking truth to my heart and showing me what this shadow asked of me. Love. All of us seek love. Every part of us seeks love, especially the parts we disown. I had hidden this part so well that I did not even know it was there until it was! I pray for all my shadows to come out of hiding and to enter into the light of my heart. I pray for this for me and for all of our hearts. I bow to the power of love.

Shadows Come Knocking

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These oak trees created a portal on the pathway, gracious branches touching the sky.

Love day came and went, bringing in all heart light and stirring up all the undercurrents of my life as well as many others. Shadows coming up to be loved and embraced. I spent the last couple of days witnessing shoulds and fears coming up in me. My new exercise routine took a dive, my energy shifted and my joy quotient plummeted. When I was in Maui, I went deep into the Mary Magdalene energies with my friend. We were immersed in them for days on end. I came away wanting to offer an initiation that Mary Magdalene spoke  of in Claire Heartsong’s book of the Magdalenes. It was called, “Opening Your Mouth” and she said that it was time for women to do just this. Time for the truth to be spoken. I was shown the women to invite to such an event as I flew back to California. That was about three weeks ago and so now it seems time to do this. My ego was going on about how if I am a way-shower, it was time to be showing something to the world. Yet my being is loving this time alone in my own space and not feeling sure that I want to use my energies in this way. I am not wanting to be with lots of folks, rather meeting folks one on one for a walk or talk.

The shoulds came out in force: “You should do this, what else are you doing?:” “It is way past time for you to be engaged with the world!” ” What is your purpose anyway?” On and on they went. I wrote up the flyer, began the list of names to email and kept hesitating on a date. I found myself waking up and beating myself up by saying, “OK, today you have to send out that email! You know how to run a workshop or an event. This is easy for you.” Another day would roll by and I would not have done it.  I had loads of ideas flow through yet something in me kept hesitating. I did not want to commit, never knowing how my energy will be on any given day though of late, I have had more energy. Surely, I could commit to a two or three hour event.

This morning I woke up with the weight of this event on my mind. I asked my Mother-Father God to hold me in love and show my the way through this. I was taken up through a Maxwell Parrish sky (you know all soft blues and pinks and fluffy clouds), and was bathed in lovelight. I saw myself become infilled with light, I came apart in a way as I saw all of my cells as separate units being filled with love. I was amazed! A love filling station! After a time I came back down and found myself in my bed once again. I laughed and said; “May I do that again?” It was such fun! Up I went and I was assured that I could return at any time to be filled with love in every cell of my body. Wow! I also knew that it mattered not what I did, it mattered what I was. If I was joy and love, that is my gift. My “job” is to emanate the love that I am. I am love so that is easy. Oh yeah, if it feels easy and good……it is!! My ego had gone back to the old I must struggle and force myself to do something. Those days are over. I follow my joy. I do what I am inspired to do and trust that is my work. It matters not if someone sees it or if I am “teaching” in the traditional manner. When I do something with joy, it reverberates throughout the  universe. Love is all there is!

This bud is from a bouquet of lilies that have been providing me with joy for over two weeks! This one is just about to burst into bloom, much like me.

So, the event will happen but when the timing is right. For now, I crave this space of silence and solitude. It is a short window in time and I want to suck all the juice that I can out of it. I will know when the time has come for the event as I will feel joy in the whole process rather than anxious and uncomfortable. Our emotions are our guides and truly if I stay in the joy zone, I am on track! I feel like this beautiful lily bud, you can see the soft beauty, the fragrance is a hint in the air and the opening is but a breath away. That is me at the moment. There is a deepening that has been happening and I am ready to burst forth with wonderment at who I am. I am shapeshifting, finding new aspects of myself that stand at the door of my heart, waiting to be invited in. These past couple of days, I have had a visit from the shadows, asking to come in to the warmth of my heartflame. Yes, anxious self, come in and sit down by the fire. Oh, you controller, you want entrance, come, there is a cup of tea waiting for you. And you, the one who calls herself, Too Much, come on in, you are welcome here. All the shadow selves coming to the heart flames of love. I celebrate each one of you for how well you did your jobs. You helped me to feel safe in the world. I am here now to let you know that you are safe and so very loved. All is well. We can move forward in joy!

My latest couple is feeling the joy! The Rumi qoute for this one is:

“They say there is a window from one heart to another. How can there be if no wall remains?”

I love seeing how the couple appear. They are like characters that come alive under my fingers with my paint, beads, and gold leaf. I have so much fun creating them. My beloveds…..for that is part of the delight awaiting us all as we reunite with our other half. We have done the inner uniting of masculine and feminine and there will follow the outer uniting with the other. Some are in this already. I know it to be beyond the romantic ideals that we have held as it is a uniting in service to the world. Our ideas of love are enlarging as so many new ways of experiencing love will be present. I am loving myself by creating these images. They are all me! I will be excited to meet the man who can match the love that flows from my heart! And of course, there is the match for each of us as we are one another, two halves of the whole. This I know as I now know that my cells love the love fuel most of all!