The river flowing through the misty rain.
December 5th, 5 is change and it was reflected in my world. I awoke from confusing dreams of heartache and of many pulling at me to find their center. I noticed a burst blood vessel in one eye. No food settled in my stomach and I could not think of what to eat that would bring comfort. I felt at sea. My elder son came home and there was tension and emotion, a call with my younger son saw flashes of anger and frustration move through me with great speed at things in his world. All unusual for us as we have moved in a space of unity and effortless flow for a time now. I observed myself in the moment, took the breath and moved to a higher perspective. We were clearing our hidden corners as well as many for the collective, per our agreement for this time. I saw the unity of it all…….the joy, the anger, the frustration, the instability, the uncomfortableness in my body, the deep peace……a grab bag of emotions. Waves crashing and pounding the shore of my being. None separate, no good or bad, all there to be met with an open heart. All asking to be seen and felt fully and invited into the warmth of the flame, alive in my heart.
I retreated into nature, took a walk by the river. A healing space. There was a fine mist falling that made me feel like a plant as I walked along. Non-human. Empty of attachment, wanting the earth and the moisture, knowing it as all. I walked and sought a balance with the earth. I felt the mother’s love rise up in me, the desire to wrap all in a blanket of love. I felt my tears. I felt alone. I longed to be met and found no one about in this new frequency I awoke to. Yet, I knew they were all about me. I had visions of their flames, and my standing in front of each one. Mother Mary, Archangel Michael, Buddha, St Germain……each known to me on many different levels. Can I stand and not be overwhelmed, not be reduced to a puddle of weeping on the floor?
The buck whose gaze pierced me through the distance.
A buck told me yes, yes I could. He was a distance from me and our eyes locked in an embrace. We both stood, rooted to the spot for a time, five minutes, maybe more. I know that I felt the weight of it, then surrendered, opening for more. He stood in quiet dignity, his antlers held high as he looked into me. He honored the feminine flowing in me and gifted me his strength. I received the blessing before he unlocked his gaze. I then raised my camera to capture his beauty and thank him before continuing on the trail.
White camellia blossoms that I picked from a huge bush on my walk to grace my bathroom sink, The bush was pretty but the individual blossoms displayed speak so much more clearly.
My phone rang and there was the smiling face of my daughter through the wonders of Tango, a free video call connecting our hearts from her in New Zealand to me in California. To think that she could join me on the remainder of my walk! Her cheery voice brought the tears again, weepiness has been with me off and on all day. It is amazing how the kindness in a voice can unleash tears that you did not know were there. She murmured sweet sounds to my tears, saying that 99% of the time it was the other way around. She relished being the one to offer me her strength and love.
Some tiny mist filled plants on the walk, so alive in their greenness.
I was nourished. From her sweet heart of love, the buck’s steady, strength filled gaze, the misty rain’s cleansing. I went home, to food prepared and a hug from my son. I took a long afternoon nap. A text had arrived from a dear friend saying, “I love you” and later she said she felt I needed her then. Another dear sister of my heart called saying that I had been in and out of her thoughts all day so she was checking in to see what was up. She helped me gain a little sense of it, the movement to a new frequency with its attendant disorientation. She has seen me through many movements so she could sense how quickly I was adapting and the grace that flowed within. She knew the blessing that I feel in each cell for this process we are all in. How grateful I am to be me, and play my part with my heart wide open. How grateful I am for all others, playing their parts that I could not.
Everything is holy. All of it. The shift is so close at hand. All that I know is gone and there is only the unknowing, and being present with it. I sense the freedom of this falling, trusting that I will remember how to fly.