Author Archives: lovelylinda

Forgiveness of Self……

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the magolia tree that I chose and helped plant years ago at my former home, revisited this spring to witness its beauty.

I just posted a blog indicating that I deleted the one from the day before. I have reconsidered and instead have edited it and decided to post what remained. The reason is that it was a knee jerk reaction in the old way. I was punishing myself as my mind was saying, ” How can you write about love when you just found yourself judging another? That if I observed a flaw in myself, then I am flawed all the way through. Old energy of self punishment. I am a complex character, holding great light as well as darker aspects. All of me is desiring to be only love. I ask for this each day, to be a living chalice of lovelight to be used by the Creator for the good of all. That is my heart’s intent. And as my call is answered with more love flooding in, the tides must wash out what no longer resonates. For this, my heart rejoices  but my personality self felt shame. I am allowing that to wash away on the tide of love that has once again flooded my being tonight. This is progress, in the old days I would have been laid low for a week from this experience. Thank you Creator for these quicker, lighter energies that move us to our truth.

Yesterday felt like the first day of Spring here in Northern California. The sun was shining, the air felt fresh rather than chilly and the earth emitted that delicious smell that portends new growth. I laid my blanket on the ground and took a nap. It was still a bit damp and cold yet my body soaked it in like a sponge. I so needed that elemental connection with my mother. This magnolia tree that I chose and planted years ago at my former family home was a delight to visit it as it opened its blossoms to the sky. What a color! The blossoms like hearts of love opening just as hearts are opening all over the world. What a time we live in! To witness this love explosion happening on the planet is a gift from our Creator.

The new moon stirred up the energies and it felt a bit unsettling as they swirled about. My eldest son texted me that he felt so emotional, weepy as if all boundaries between him and others had disappeared. He could feel each one’s heart and it was almost painful. He is a druid of old, a nature being with a deep connection to the earth. The energies move through him on a level most of us have not felt. I honored him for his pure heart of love and suggested he change his plans of the day to match his vibration. He was headed into San Francisco but needed to lie under his favorite oak tree in a park and be still. He chose the latter and we all benefited from that choice. When we care for ourselves, we care for all. When we allow the peace to enter in, we are being peace for the earth. This is such a fundamental lesson that we are not taught. We are all wired differently, all connected to the earth, the oceans, the sky in different ways. We are learning to honor the ways of our bodies and spirits. We are leaving behind the idea of “normal” and embracing the uniqueness as well as the oneness of all. In the past, we have cast out the mystics, the dreamers, the wanderers, who do not fit in one of society’s pegs. In the present time they are often our homeless wandering the streets. Now we are opening the door to them. I feel such a tenderness for all beings, for each one’s special gift. My daily prayer is for each person to know their own beauty and to share it openly with the world. A friend sent a poem with a line that lingered: “How strange now that I am walking my path, others see me as wasting my life.” He had stepped off the wheel of the working day world, letting go the house, the marriage, the job to enter into the mystery that has called his name. He is writing beautiful poetry and feeling new connections within. This is the blossoming of the soul that is happening all over this planet at warp speed. The heart is emerging as the pathfinder and no longer believes the limitations set by the mind and conditioned by society.

The love that is emerging on the planet is so much larger than any idea we have held. Recently I noticed how we are moving from our minds to our hearts. The old way was to allow our minds to have full rein, to attempt to control situations and people.The mind is what keeps the story churning, believing it can “make sense” of a situation if it only “thinks” enough. This is the lie.(How many hours did I spend trying to figure things out over the years!!)  It is only by turning to the wisdom of the heart, that truth can be known. I understand only too well that place of being stuck in the monkey mind and how difficult it is to surrender and let the story go. I was living there for so long.

The more we grow on this path of love, the clearer it becomes that what appears as suffering, has a higher purpose for the soul. I trust that this is the path that the soul has chosen to awaken further to their own truth. Suffering is often a catalyst for awakening, certainly it has been in my life. I am so grateful for every moment that it took before I turned to my heart and saw truth. I used to beat myself up for how long it did take but  have discovered that it takes as long as it takes for us to awaken. I had to forgive myself for all the years that I suffered and know that was what it took for my soul. (if you read the post on humility you will see that here I thought I had forgiven myself but there was another layer yet to go, shadows can be tricky characters) All that I perceived as coming from the outside to harm me, was a reflection of my not valuing my own worth and giving away my own power. 377923_150023841763777_100002684869050_174562_322300789_n-300x191.jpg

This photo was posted on facebook and I so love it! I do not know the person who took it but acknowledge your great photo skills! It expresses the liquid lovelight that I bathe in each day. Can you feel it?

We are truly entering into the new earth. The changes are apparent in our hearts. This is how it happens, not through some big revolution, though there will be changes in the outer structures of society, but it comes by way of the heart. Each person, letting go, loosening their ideas of right and wrong, good and bad. Returning love for anger, softness where there is hardness, peace rather than judgment. The hearts speaking rather than the mind. We are witnessing an inner revolution in the space of each one’s heart. Tune in to yours today. Love it dearly for the dearness that you are and remember to “turn on your heartlight” so that others can see it shine!

 

Humility

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What a day of lessons for me. I have taken down my post from yesterday and ask for an open heart of any who read it before I deleted it. If you read it, you would have witnessed judgment loud and clear from me. My shadow came leaping out in my need to judge a friend who was going through a difficult time. I was so uncomfortable with what I perceived as her pain that I  judged her rather than allowing myself to be with her. I used her as my mirror, I was still holding judgment of myself for how long it took me to wake up. For how long I stayed in suffering mode at the end of my marriage and the time it took for me to recover myself. I violated her trust by writing a judgment of her on my blog. Big shadow stuff…..processing it, asking for forgiveness from her, forgiving myself.

I had no idea that was still there. I had to sit for a time to really process this and get some understanding of what this shadow aspect was about. Wow, powerful stuff. My it is hard to forgive ourselves and let it go. Here I am cruising along, feeling more love each day and then this. I know that as more love comes in, all that is not love must flow out. I have watched this happen to others, felt it for myself but this was somehow trickier for me to catch. Now here it is for me to learn from. Whew…..not fun but I am grateful for this. I do not have to attach to this but rather see it, feel it and let it go. I know the words and now have to breathe deep to live them.

Linda to self: “OK, dear little one who thought that you did it all wrong, come here. It is alright that you suffered as you did. It all helped you to come to this place of knowing your own heart light. To understand that you are love and lovable. You were courageous, you are dear. You gave love and did not know that you had to learn to love yourself first. You are learning that now. It is all ok. You are safe now and are in my heart of love. I love you.”

I feel such gratitude that this storm came, that it shook me so deeply and turned my heart upside down. I am asking to continue to be bathed in liquid lovelight and to let go of all that is not love in my heart. I am grateful to my dear friend’s heart, for forgiving me. I am grateful for the moment to moment opportunity to begin anew with God’s love. I am grateful for my I Am presence for speaking truth to my heart and showing me what this shadow asked of me. Love. All of us seek love. Every part of us seeks love, especially the parts we disown. I had hidden this part so well that I did not even know it was there until it was! I pray for all my shadows to come out of hiding and to enter into the light of my heart. I pray for this for me and for all of our hearts. I bow to the power of love.

Shadows Come Knocking

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These oak trees created a portal on the pathway, gracious branches touching the sky.

Love day came and went, bringing in all heart light and stirring up all the undercurrents of my life as well as many others. Shadows coming up to be loved and embraced. I spent the last couple of days witnessing shoulds and fears coming up in me. My new exercise routine took a dive, my energy shifted and my joy quotient plummeted. When I was in Maui, I went deep into the Mary Magdalene energies with my friend. We were immersed in them for days on end. I came away wanting to offer an initiation that Mary Magdalene spoke  of in Claire Heartsong’s book of the Magdalenes. It was called, “Opening Your Mouth” and she said that it was time for women to do just this. Time for the truth to be spoken. I was shown the women to invite to such an event as I flew back to California. That was about three weeks ago and so now it seems time to do this. My ego was going on about how if I am a way-shower, it was time to be showing something to the world. Yet my being is loving this time alone in my own space and not feeling sure that I want to use my energies in this way. I am not wanting to be with lots of folks, rather meeting folks one on one for a walk or talk.

The shoulds came out in force: “You should do this, what else are you doing?:” “It is way past time for you to be engaged with the world!” ” What is your purpose anyway?” On and on they went. I wrote up the flyer, began the list of names to email and kept hesitating on a date. I found myself waking up and beating myself up by saying, “OK, today you have to send out that email! You know how to run a workshop or an event. This is easy for you.” Another day would roll by and I would not have done it.  I had loads of ideas flow through yet something in me kept hesitating. I did not want to commit, never knowing how my energy will be on any given day though of late, I have had more energy. Surely, I could commit to a two or three hour event.

This morning I woke up with the weight of this event on my mind. I asked my Mother-Father God to hold me in love and show my the way through this. I was taken up through a Maxwell Parrish sky (you know all soft blues and pinks and fluffy clouds), and was bathed in lovelight. I saw myself become infilled with light, I came apart in a way as I saw all of my cells as separate units being filled with love. I was amazed! A love filling station! After a time I came back down and found myself in my bed once again. I laughed and said; “May I do that again?” It was such fun! Up I went and I was assured that I could return at any time to be filled with love in every cell of my body. Wow! I also knew that it mattered not what I did, it mattered what I was. If I was joy and love, that is my gift. My “job” is to emanate the love that I am. I am love so that is easy. Oh yeah, if it feels easy and good……it is!! My ego had gone back to the old I must struggle and force myself to do something. Those days are over. I follow my joy. I do what I am inspired to do and trust that is my work. It matters not if someone sees it or if I am “teaching” in the traditional manner. When I do something with joy, it reverberates throughout the  universe. Love is all there is!

This bud is from a bouquet of lilies that have been providing me with joy for over two weeks! This one is just about to burst into bloom, much like me.

So, the event will happen but when the timing is right. For now, I crave this space of silence and solitude. It is a short window in time and I want to suck all the juice that I can out of it. I will know when the time has come for the event as I will feel joy in the whole process rather than anxious and uncomfortable. Our emotions are our guides and truly if I stay in the joy zone, I am on track! I feel like this beautiful lily bud, you can see the soft beauty, the fragrance is a hint in the air and the opening is but a breath away. That is me at the moment. There is a deepening that has been happening and I am ready to burst forth with wonderment at who I am. I am shapeshifting, finding new aspects of myself that stand at the door of my heart, waiting to be invited in. These past couple of days, I have had a visit from the shadows, asking to come in to the warmth of my heartflame. Yes, anxious self, come in and sit down by the fire. Oh, you controller, you want entrance, come, there is a cup of tea waiting for you. And you, the one who calls herself, Too Much, come on in, you are welcome here. All the shadow selves coming to the heart flames of love. I celebrate each one of you for how well you did your jobs. You helped me to feel safe in the world. I am here now to let you know that you are safe and so very loved. All is well. We can move forward in joy!

My latest couple is feeling the joy! The Rumi qoute for this one is:

“They say there is a window from one heart to another. How can there be if no wall remains?”

I love seeing how the couple appear. They are like characters that come alive under my fingers with my paint, beads, and gold leaf. I have so much fun creating them. My beloveds…..for that is part of the delight awaiting us all as we reunite with our other half. We have done the inner uniting of masculine and feminine and there will follow the outer uniting with the other. Some are in this already. I know it to be beyond the romantic ideals that we have held as it is a uniting in service to the world. Our ideas of love are enlarging as so many new ways of experiencing love will be present. I am loving myself by creating these images. They are all me! I will be excited to meet the man who can match the love that flows from my heart! And of course, there is the match for each of us as we are one another, two halves of the whole. This I know as I now know that my cells love the love fuel most of all!

Happy Love Day

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Valentine’s Day……It is somewhat strange as we are in the  midst of changing our perceptions of love. We are expanding the parameters in a very good way. There still exists the aspect of outward signs of affection to “show” others that we are loved. The flowers delivered to offices so that co-workers will know that you are loved and just how much by the size of the bouquet that your lover sent. Doesn’t that seem so silly? Then on the flip side, the feelings of rejection felt by those without a special partner in their life. Oh, we humans, how our egos have kept us in a small place. How we have allowed ourselves to feel rejected and unloved.  Our hearts are made to express love, it is their function just as our physical hearts are made to pump our blood. To stop the flow of love, is unnatural and harmful. And our hearts do not love simply the partner in our lives which would translate to nowhere to express love if one is not in a romantic relationship. What a narrow confine we have alloted it. My heart loves, it loves my cup of warm coffee this morning, it loves this nosegay of flowers I made for myself yesterday from a bouquet, it loves this heart rock that made me smile as I discovered it on my walk. Ask your angels to be shown expressions of love in your day and see what shows up! It can be through people as well as things, all different relationships where we express love: our friends, our family, the mailman who is always so chipper, the turkeys strutting their stuff on my walk, the cashier who returns my eye contact and smiles, on and on. We are the ones who can let our heart light shine. We do not need any condition to do so, we let it shine upon whomever and whatever shows up in our life. Today is a reminder to do just that: Let your heart light shine!

Yesterday I had an interesting experience in my mediation as I was surprised again by my beloved showing up. He was waiting for me on a bench overlooking a vista. As we hugged and kissed, I found myself feeling, “Don’t leave me!” Before the feeling could translate into words, he was helping me to understand that energy of grasping or holding was the energy that would do the very thing that I was not wanting…..it would take it away. The new energies we are moving into with our mother earth are of appreciation and love in the moments for what shows up. He let me know to appreciate our time together as well as appreciating all the other moments in my day. One not more special than another as we move out of comparisons, out of duality. All simply is. And all is beautiful. We can put on the glasses of choice to achieve the landscape we desire. Today I am wearing my rose colored glasses, my favorite by far, and see the world as a place of love and joy. I am not waiting for someone to show up to demonstrate their love for me. I am taking my love out into the world, knowing that it will be reflected back. Also knowing that I am so loved by my Father/Mother God and all my angels and guides as well as my higher self, dear Sophia. And by me!! I am the greatest lover of me. I had heard that for so long but only now do I truly get it. It is the most freeing feeling as I do not need anyone to show me that I am lovable, I know that I am! I am so grateful for this knowing in my life. It has changed everything. Love you today, you are so beautiful!

A few years ago, on my 50th birthday, my three kids all painted me a picture. This is from my non-artistic (though of course, he is artistic, as we all are) son. He recently moved and unearthed it. I have it sitting on the kitchen counter where I can see it often and it makes me smile with the dearness of it. The mama turtle leading her little one from the known world of the ocean into the world of rock and sky and beyond. There are planets and stars up near the Milky Way. It is such a symbol of his dear heart and of our relationship. We came together to remind one another about our home in the stars. What a tender love this is!

I am expanding my view of love to take in so much more these days. I love the heater in this house that takes away the chill of the mornings and evenings. I love the undines ( the elemental water spirits) in the hot water of my morning shower who come to take from me all that can be released this day, I love the violet flame that burns through all the non-love that surfaces in any form, I love my art supplies that give me such joy, I love my car that carries me so safely from here to there. Everything is vibration and is wanting recognition and love. So yes, I talk out loud to everything around me which some may find strange but it feels natural to me as everything is talking to me in some way. I am ready to hone these skills of communication and more clearly hear what each thing has to say.

A friend related a beautiful story of love to me. She saw her mother for a goodbye meal before leaving to return to her home thousands of miles away. Their relationship had been difficult as her mother had been critical and harsh all of her life which was doubly painful as her sister had been shown a loving face. The dinner was a dreaded duty call and the last effort my friend desired to give on her part as she knew it was time to let go. She had stepped out of the pattern in the past few months, no longer rising to the bait of the old energy and setting boundaries as she allowed her visits to dwindle.  An amazing thing happened. Her mother gave my friend her treasure box. In the past, these boxes consisted of broken bits and pieces of junk. But this time, it was all of her treasures. Her dad’s dog tags, her mom’s wedding ring, cameos that had been displayed as family treasures, a string of pearls. Her mom told her that she knew that she would keep them safe. It was the big “I love you” that my friend had waited for all her life. It was grace. I believe that my friend created this opening for grace by refusing to participate in the old story any longer. She allowed her mom to feel her shift and in that, allowed her mom the opportunity to shift also. We can’t be attached as to whether or not the other will shift, we can only walk our truth as we see it.

In walking her path of truth, my friend opened the door for grace to enter in. Grace on the part of her mom who it seems sensed that her time on this earth may be coming to a close and desired to let her daughter know that she was valued and loved. She was not able to say it in words but said I love you with this gift of her treasures. Grace on the part of my friend who gave her mom one last dinner, out of the desire to show up with her open loving heart, once again. This was the coming full circle, the coil of pain being unwound, the resolution to a lifetime of suffering. My friend is now free to rewrite her history. She can look at that treasure box and say, “My mom loves me. My mother loved me. I was loved.” What a blessing! Both women freed to move on in peace. This is what is worth celebrating!! These are the true moments of achievement, when we have mastered our hearts. When love has broken through years of density to shine forth once again in its truth.

Rewrite your history today, see all through the lens of love. Know that where another could not show their love, it is due to them not receiving the love and support that they needed at some stage of their life. We can love it all, we are the creators! By loving all that has made us who we are, we free ourselves. That was our intent all along when we planned this sojourn and chose the players in our play. As we free ourselves into love’s embrace, we free our world. Time to go out into this day and let my heart light shine!!! I love you!

 

 

 

Surrender and Flow

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We were upon this old buck before we knew it on a walk. He was so still and his gaze was steady. He had seen many seasons and knew it all.

Graying muzzle, head held high despite the weight of his rack of antlers…..I felt that he knew the mystery and was content to be a part of it all. The oneness, it is my theme song these past few days. Feeling a part of everything. I could feel his years, feel his wisdom, feel the heaviness of the body that was once limber and agile. He knew that moving slowly was his domain for now, He did not rail against it but rather, accepted it with grace. I read something that said that all that is required for our ascension is surrender and flow.

I can feel the truth of that. Moment by moment there are things to surrender, to let go as we trust in the stream of life to carry us forward. We are wired for evolution, we cannot get it wrong. Our DNA takes us there whether we are conscious of it or not. Trusting myself is the biggest thing for me of late. There is no rule book though you can find many on store shelves or online. Many folks will offer guidance as to the way yet I have to wade through and find my own path, the way that brings me joy.

I have created opportunities lately for me to state my truth clearly. I love how creative my higher self is in bringing to me exactly what I need! A friend is making plans for a future date and wanted me to join her for part of them. I could see that it would be fun to be together again, that I could make things easier for her to get about. I had spent time with her and she had driven me about. There is a desire to reciprocate. You know the old adding sheet, she did that for me, I need to do this for her. Old energy for me. Life is not a score card, I want to be more authentic in my interactions.  I want to trust that the universe

I am the clouds, the sky, the water and the rocks. What beauty surrounds me!

brings situations to experience with one another and that I may receive here and give over there. It is much less of a linear movement than we have been taught. Trust that the balance is there that allows us all to be the givers and the receivers. I could also feel a constraint in my belly from locking into someone else’s agenda when I do not know what will be my highest truth or path at that time. I have broken commitments and disappointed friends when I found that I was guided in a different direction. All part of the learning for this duty woman in unwinding that coil of super responsibility as well as being seen in a certain way. The wisest thing to do, is to say, “I do not know at this time.” That said, she pressed me for a commitment. I love how we agree to help one another by being the vehicle for our lessons. Ah…..yes, how we want to please others! Yet this is where pleasing ourselves first and foremost comes in. I know that to be true to my path, I have to be open to where my spirit leads me. If I had received a strong Yes about April planning, I would have committed but there was no clarity. I try to remember that if it is not an resounding yes, then it is a no. Even though my mind wants to play in the field of maybe, or possibly when living by the above frees up a lot of energy! (Note to self: remember this dear one!) The more I honor my own path, the more clear guidance I receive.

At this moment, I have committed to be in this place until the end of March. It surprised me when I wrote  the check that I wrote it for two months. (I am committing for two months??) Yet I got a clear signal to do so. I now know why as it feels freeing to me to have that expanse of time stretching ahead without wondering where I will be and figuring out all the details of living. It has freed up energy that I can use in new ways. Instead of traveling in the outer, I am free to take more inner journeys. I am also in a place where I lived a large chunk of my past and it is uncoiling much of that for me. I am learning that I can be joyful anywhere, the location is not the determiner, rather it is the inner landscape that holds the decision as to how I view my life. And at present, I am being guided to stay in the present and allow it to unfold with no boundaries on the end of it.

Red tulips for my valentine, my love.....that would be me!

I am surprised and delighted to feel energy coming back that I have not felt in ages. I have exercised for the past four days! My body is soft as other than occasional walking, I have felt no desire to move in any specific way, though for most of my adult life, I had been a regular exerciser.  My body seemed to need to be flabby  for the changes that it has undergone as well as needing lots of rest. Yet, now it is thriving on movement. I am having fun trying out different exercise videos and using some old ones. I went to the farmer’s market today with a friend and delighted in all the bright vegies for my body and all the flowers for my soul. I had not taken my camera so you are missing the picture of these bright red tulips in a metal pail. So much more appealing than the ubiquitous white  plastic buckets. They also look lovely in this glass vase I found in the cupboard when I got home.

Here it is in progress

Energy and materials at hand for art to emerge also! Here is my work of the past couple of days. It is a small (4×7 inch) canvas which I bought for making art while traveling. I love working with the beads even though threading the needles and adding each tiny bead takes time, I find it very meditative. I love making big art, using big brushes and my whole arm sweeping in the motion yet I also love the tiny, delicate art making. I know that one day I will have a large studio with huge canvases that I can use housepainting size brushes on. Till then, I have my small canvases and beads.  I love adding words and gold leaf to my images. And yes, the beloveds are still in my heart and continue to be a compelling motif. This one called for a Rumi quote, how can you not love Rumi? Here is what it says:

All done and it fills me with joy! The Chinese character at the bottom stands for passion. Making this allowed passion to flow.

“Your love lifts my soul from the body to the sky.

And you lift me up out of the two worlds.

I want your sun to reach my raindrops,

So your heat can raise my soul upward like a cloud.”

Time for bed and I go to sleep with another Rumi quote:

“Close the language door and open the love window.”

Contentment

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This jade bush outside the front door is covered in beautiful pink blossoms that the bees love. Today a butterfly wanted some of the sweet nectar.

Days of quiet joy. Tonight I am thrilled that it is a burn day here in Sacramento, you are allowed to have a fire. Logs softly falling in the grate, embers glowing, me knitting on the couch, lovely music in the background. Sigh…..I feel as contented as a cat. I made a casserole of vegies; beets, sweet potatoes, white potatotoes, brussel sprouts and asparagus. Olive oil, salt and pepper and into the oven and out came a delicious dinner. Body is content with its cup of tea and cookie now and I feel such peace.

Something that I read today has been in my thoughts. I can’t find the source right now but it was about how our judgments “pin” others to a spot in their journey when they may be trying to move from that spot. That really spoke to me and I could see how I had done this with others and how I wanted everyone to experience the freedom to be who they are in the moment. To not be limited by who I judge them to be. Certainly, I do not like others to limit who I am in this moment! Continuing lessons on detached observation rather than judgment. Not easy! I have to be vigilant with my mind as judgments spring up like weeds. As soon as I become more conscious of this in my life, the more it seems to appear but I know that it is in catching the judgments in the moment, that my victory lies. I am telling myself, “You are loved, dear Linda. You are love, you do not have to judge this.” I see that anything that arises in me that is not love, is an opportunity for me to practice self love. As all that arises is either fear or love so if it is not love, then I need to tend to whatever part of me is feeling fear on some level. I can soothe myself like a fussy child, “You are loved sweet Linda, you are love.” Sigh….

A friend and I were doing our "owning my power" stances on our walk yesterday.

The other idea that came through today was from a book I read years ago but just rediscovered in a box. It is called, Dance of the Jaguar by Terry Andrews. It is a quick and fun work of fiction about a middle aged woman rediscovering her power after a lifetime of giving it away to her deceased husband and her family. One statement about our power struck me: “If you are not using it, someone else is.” Wow. I know the truth of that.  I want to use my own power. She talks about when we give up our power to others (allowing others to make decisions for us, accepting our beliefs unchallenged to see if they still fit us) we compensate by feeling a need to control others. This resonated from my marriage days when I gave up so much of my power and yes, I definitely felt the need to control others. I wanted the kids to do what I wanted them to do. I wanted life to conform to my vision. I did not accept what was, so much energy wasted on trying to change the life that I was in! It took me falling apart to discover that I could only change me. There is no fufillment in controlling others. First of all, it does not work! You cannot make anyone but yourself behave in a different way. Continuing to try to change others or situations is a losing battle. We have the power to create the life that we desire. We are the creators of our lives by our thoughts and feelings. What we focus on, we create. I am loving how this new earth energy is streaming in. We are creating in the ethers, as it were. Our daydreams and visualizations are forming the new before our eyes.

This pretty pink primrose popped up from the duff of the garden bed. Its seed must have lain dormant all winter and now it is blossoming in all its glory!

In my meditation today, I was lying in my garden, admiring the beauty and fragrance of the flowers. I was so surprised to find myself lying in my beloved’s arms. He laughed at my surprise and told me to lie back down and savor all the beauty that I had created. I did with delight. After a time, we got up and began to walk into a wood that was near. It was a woods like I grew up with back East, beautiful decidious trees with sunlight streaming in. We followed a path until we came upon an enticing spot where there was a batch of sun. We lay down and took in the beauty of the branches and sky. We lay there in such peace and I watched as we dissolved into the duff of the forest floor. I had experienced this once before in a cranial sacral healing but not with another. It was fascinating to feel. Rich humus, perfect for growing anything. I watched as our spirits emerged from this humus…..we were particles of shimmering light. It was fascinatingly fun as we could merge and blend and flow with one another with ease. It was so cool!

We walked to a footbridge over a clear, running stream. As we looked at the dancing sparkles of sunlight on the water, we became one with them. We were dancing on the water! We could merge at will with anything, the water, the forest floor, the flowers in the garden, the trees…..everything. There were no edges, no distinctions. All flowed as one life.  It was truly an amazing experience! So freeing and fluid.

Sunset reflected on the water from yesterday's walk.

I felt only joy when I came out of this experience, knowing that I am creating all this on some dimension that I will be able to tap into when the timing is right. I felt no yearning for it to be here, rather glad in my heart for having been there for a time. Here, there, it is difficult to make sense of what is real. The feelings of joy were real and that is what I hold to. Moment by moment to be in joy, in my imagination or in this dense reality……it matters not. The feeling of joy is what matters. To experience it fully and let it go. So that I am free to experience the cashier at the grocery store, the sunset streaming across the sky tonight, the dying coals in the fireplace. LIfe is becoming more magical to me, day by day…..moment by moment.

 

 

Dreamy, Sleepy Space

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The river and sky, melting into one today on my walk.

I walked and yawned my way besides the river today. I have been in a dreamy, very sleepy space for the past couple of days. As if I am viewing life from underwater, moving in that slow way also. I had intense dreams of water, riding waves, crashing and tumbled about, some exhilarating, some a bit terrifying yet finding in the moments that I knew it would all be ok, All is well has been a big theme in my dreams. I seem so far removed from this life, venturing out as friends call to pick me up for an event but not moving under my own steam into the world. I am happy to be in the stillness of my own being and this house I am in. Realized that my time here is fleeting and I want to truly savor my solitude. I need to be conscious of this as I know that I am being gifted with this time with myself to move through the threshold that I have felt I am standing before. It is happening in increments as all ideas of who I am are loosened and shook free.

Krishna playing his flute among the grasses.

Yesterday, a friend mentioned a garden that I should check out. I did not think much of it but today with another friend, we drove right by the place. We decided to stop and enjoy its shrines and trees. I laughed at how quick a turn around that was from idea to manifestation. I am taking note of these things as they happen as by paying attention, we create more of these synchronistic events in our lives. I get a kick out of them. It is the magic beginning to show up!

The shrines had sayings from the various masters posted next to them. There was a lovely mix of Eastern and Western saints and sages. This one resonated as I do know of lifetimes spent singing the praises of God. Tonight as I look out at the full moon attempting to break through the cloud cover, I feel the presence of God. Nature is such a direct route to His/Her heart. As enduring as a tree…..I think that we are all pretty remarkable in this regard. We have come to bring this planet back to the embrace of our Father and in doing so, have played in this dense reality that took all of our endurance capabilities. We are so strong as we root into the earth and gaze heavenward with our hearts. I listened to a practice tonight to help our bodies during these intense solar flares. They are so beautiful as our sun is helping to awaken us with its enlightened energy but our bodies are having some issues adapting to the increased light that we are asked to hold. Judi Satori (website: sound of light. This is taken from the February full moon recording) suggests standing barefoot on the earth and saying: “With the power of God that I AM, I ask the great earth mother to pull all discordant energy from my physical body and energy fields and transmute it all into love.”  (you can state anything that you wish to let go of) then….. Then she went to a tree and hugged the tree and asked for its grounded energy to flow into her being. The words and ritual do not matter as much as your intention. When we set our intention to connect with the earth, we do. We can ask her and the trees and plants and water to help us feel their flow and stability. I have my favorite redwood tree that I camped by once that I call to most days as well as a big rock (Shiprock) out in the 4 corners area of the country that helps me keep my balance.

 

First blooms of the quince that I have seen

Flowers are my dearest companions on this earth walk. This coral quince was just beginning to break out of its buds. I feel in sync with it, feeling the pressure releasing as the casing begins to fall and the color begins to show itself in the unfurling petals. I do not know what kind of flower that I am in the process of becoming but I do know that I will have a fragrance that is sweet. We are all budding, opening our petals to the light of this unity consciousness that is streaming in. The love is so sweet and your colors so brilliant. I love you all so.

The Bliss of Being with Myself

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Blue blue sky and tree magic added to the joy of today

I awoke this morning pondering if I wanted to join a friend for a women’s group about self-love. One part of me insisted that I “should” go (should being the trigger word that alerted me to look carefully) as I feel guided to offer a women workshop or two while I am here. Perhaps I would learn something useful, so says my mind. My body weighed in with its knowingness by feeling nauseous. OK! Definitely does not want to go anywhere. I played on both sides of this field as the time ticked away. Finally I texted my friend that I was passing on the invite. Freedom instantly felt!

My body loved moving slowly, savoring the day’s approach. I moved downstairs to the kitchen to see what might settle my stomach. Tea and toast seemed to be the ticket. The sun was shining in the front windows and the couch offered the optimum view. I was drawn to the vase of lilies that I had set in the middle of the table. Their fragrance wafted over me in a delightful way. I marveled at their beauty, the tiny dots of

deep pink on the petals, the furry bits on the inner part of the petal, standing up to the light, the way the pistil stood so bold and upright surrounded by stamens dancing in attendance. Must be fun to have all that male energy about just waiting for its chance to brush up against that stately pistil! The flower seemed alive with sexual energy! I felt enlivened by it, felt that I was drinking in its beauty, drifting on the air currents of sweet scent, dancing around that proud pistil! Wow, all this with the sun shining so brightly through the window, stroking me with its golden touch of light. Had I ever seen a lily before??? It felt like a new experience, one which I gave over every sense to. De-light-filled moments. I took up my pen and paper and did a sketch that made my heart sing. I had watched my son do one the day before with his left hand (he being right handed) as he broke a wrist bone and so is wearing a cast to his elbow. For an artist, a big handicap. Yet he made a beautiful drawing that is my present computer screen saver: http://gaberobertsart.com/2012/02/february-2012-desktop-wallpaper/

I lay back down after drawing, soaking in my sunbath and toning all kinds of new sounds.

I loved how the sun backlit the petals, making everything glow with pink light!

I had a blast with myself. So this is why I had no need to venture out for more learning. All was right here, everything that I needed was being gifted to me as I allowed myself to interact with the energies that presented themselves to me. Everything is energy that wants to be admired, appreciated, spoken to with loving words. All kinds of ideas for creative handiwork danced through my mind. I went and retrieved my sewing machine from years past, and planned how to set up a work space to create in. Oh, what fun! I want to weave and sew ribbons and fabrics into something beautiful. Tapestries have been a theme that has been haunting me for a time as I see ribbons from my heart, weaving, weaving across the planes. I see the glorious tapestries that our hearts are creating with one another and the Creator. I want to let my fingers out-picture some of that delight. It does not matter what I end up with, only the doing of it interests me.

I was struck on my walk by the dark humus that had fallen from the space hollowed out behind the bark on this tree. Mushrooms had been growing inside and were now decomposing at its base. Just beyond is the verdant green grass, so alive in the sunlight. It felt like me, having recently passed through an inner dark, moist journey into my fears, leaving me decomposed on the floor. Truly, I felt hollowed out, alive yet deep in the earth of my own being. Today, I am like the verdant grass, gleaming in my vibrancy and joy! You can dance through me! A friend called to tell me that I had been doing just that, dancing all around her with her acting as the maypole to my flower decked flying hair and form. She said I was laughing and smiling with abandon! What an affirmation for how my energy was moving through the day! I love this universe. I love the dark days, the light days and all the days in between. I am giving up putting a label on it and relaxing into the beingness of life itself. 

I am so grateful that I allowed the day to carry me where it willed. As well for the privilege of having a life where that is the open possibility for me each day. I welcomed in more of me today and found her to be such a nourishing addition to my many aspects. What I feared has been disarmed and I look forward to all the aspects of myself returning. For there are more of us waking up every day and we are able to accept the gift of one another’s light as it matches our own. We are finding our heart connections and feeling the relief and joy they bring. Everything blessed me today as I blessed every thing.

Emptied Out

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The past few days I have been walking a rocky path to my inner landscape. This was reflected in my path to the river today.

A day of tears. I feel hollowed out, empty. I awoke to tears and pain surfacing in a way that felt overwhelming. I had an interaction with someone by phone that left me feeling weak. Intense waves of not being good enough, of being the outsider, of not being worthy of love. As if all the particles of fear in me (all that is not love is fear in some form) coalesced into a huge wave that crashed on my head and took me down to the depths. There I stayed, drowning in my own emotions.

The sun was shining so bright, beaconing me outdoors. I drove to the park and walked by the river. I listened to the ducks communing with one another, watched the geese performing their morning abulations. Saw their community and felt my singularity.

The ducks seemed to reflect the community that I seek.

The past few days have been intensely emotional, my beingness getting an overhaul. What came up strongly this morning was the sense of not being seen, not being accepted for the love that I am. Waves of grief crashed on the shores of my heart. Observing myself in it, knowing it is all me, not really to do with anyone or thing outside of myself. Breathing, watching how it moved in me. Mind judging, this is not pleasant….witnessing. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Only here now with this ache. Sensing the beauty offered by nature but not really able to feel it with all of me. Grateful for it but not extracting the joy that often flows so unbidden when I am with her. My feet carried me over my mother yet I was not connecting.

All busy cleaning themselves for the day ahead, made me smile.

Stopped for a short visit with my sons, brought flowers, my language of love. I could feel their colors and beauty and offered them as words as I looked at my sons brightness yet felt distant from their lives. Came back to this space, so precious to have the alone time. Sleep took me on a journey so deep. I did not really want to come back as it was so nourishing, asking nothing of me except surrender.

I awoke like a baby, wanting my mommy to take charge of what was next. No mommy, only me. I sat and felt the nausea that has been present the past couple of days. What food would calm it? What nourishment was I seeking? A bath, that sounded lovely. I put on some music that fed my soul as I lay in the warmth. Tears came again, a storm of grief. I saw that my feeling of not being accepted or loved in the allness that I am was false. I saw doors being closed to me as others said, too much, too bright. I felt every particle of that pain. But then I saw that it was I who was closing the door to the love offered by my own I AM presence. I was saying, “No, you are too much, too bright to be here.” What will happen if I allow more of my own light in? Who would be able to accept the allness of me? Fears of being even more of an outsider, a person with no place to land that felt welcoming. LIfetimes of persecution were being released from my cellular memories as I cried out to my own light, my own love, my own divinity. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you. I love you. I love you.

The outer world has been reflecting my own non acceptance to me so that I could awaken to the truth. Oh, huge sighs after the storm of tears cleared. No one can fully see me until I fully see and accept and love my own divinity. I have to offer myself a place of safety and rest. I am called to fully accept the gift of love I am being offered by me to me.  I spoke with a friend last night who thanked me for accepting the gift of her. It was a profound moment as I realized that in accepting and seeing the allness of her, her beautiful immense heart of love, I was given the opportunity to accept the magnitude of my own heart, just as she did.

I am left knowing nothing, I am emptied of all ideas of who I am. I let go all striving,

I see the sun's beauty reflected on the water, doing their dance together. Nature again teaching me that I can see my beauty reflected in another, as we gift each other with sparkles of light.

searching, yearning. I am here. I understand the Buddha touching the earth, claiming his selfhood. In the emptiness, I am found. I offer the chalice of my being, an empty cup to be used for highest good of all. There is nothing else. Shall I be filled? Will grace come again? I care not. I lay in this emptiness as a babe. No one told me that this birthing was so like birthing my children, fluids flowing, every fiber of my being engaged to the max, groans and deep sounds releasing.

I find that a bowl of applesauce settles my tummy and my little baby self is pleased. I am honoring the newborn that I am. I am cradling her in warm pjs and blankets. I know not who or what I am. I am here, hollowed out. Yet as I type this a feeling of peace floats in, almost imperceptible.  What a wonder! How gentle the feeling is, come to wrap me in her arms. I am able to feel the gratitude once again. I am going to tuck myself in and allow the dreams to come.

 

 

 

 

Attuning to Nature’s Rhythm

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Last night, sleep eluded me for a time as my mind wound down from the energies of the day. I began to think of the rhythm of nature and how she is always teaching me through her example how to be in life. It is winter here in Northern California. I am following that energy by drawing more inward, craving fires and warm food. My inner earth dweller wants root vegies baked in the oven, warm cookies and hot drinks. No wonder I felt out of synch in Hawaii! My body knew it was to be wintertime, though it was an inward journey that I took there with my friend. I did not do the vacation activities associated with the islands.

It amazes me how we can live with nature all around yet not see the clues she leaves for us, until suddenly we do! While in Hawaii, camping on the shore, we moved our tent after the first night, seeking to be as close to the cliff edge as we could. We had laughed as we picked up our tent, carrying it in its open state, to the next site. “We are moving to our new home!” It was so easy and fun. I have been thinking how nature is always in the process of change. Whereas we have forgotten what that means. We find a home and settle in. We begin to accumulate things, beliefs, relationships and find ourselves locked in density. We are no longer free to move like the wind or shed our skin like the snake as we have become hardened in place with our jobs, our roles, our beliefs. We join a religious organization and stay locked into those beliefs, We stay in family dynamics long after we have outgrown them. After all, our family of origin is often the training wheels that we arranged for until we could navigate on our own, At such time, we are to drop them and ride free but for the most part, we do not. We hold to everything with almost a religious fervor rather than taking our cue from nature and allowing ourselves the freedom to flow. We stay stuck in traditions that we have outgrown, think of how the holidays are weighted with expectations of how we are to act rather than allowing who we now are, to set the desired scene.

We can allow the waters of life to rush past us, bending and shaping us into new forms.

It is our nature to flow and evolve. Mankind has become stuck in this density, believing it to be solid and real. We can allow people to flow in and out of our lives without attachment. Some relationships are meant to be short, some are long term. All are there for our growth. One is not better than another, they simply are. We do not have to stay because society tells us that you must love your mother when your mother is no longer someone with whom you resonate. There does not have to be judgment or blame, she is wrong, I am right. There is only the resonance of energies, does this fit who I am today? We are asked to honor ourselves by aligning with what fits in the moment. The butterfly does not seek to return to the cocoon, it knows that its path lays in flying free in the air, not lying entombed in the confines of the cocoon. Yet that is what we are programmed to do, stay in the confines so that we do not  fly free and discover our own beauty and power. 

We can allow possessions to change hands. What I need as a single woman is very different from what was needed as a mother and wife. Yet how many of us, let go of all that clutter and stuff and lighten our households, or change our residence to a smaller one. We can give ourselves the freedom to feel what is right for us in this moment of time. Perhaps the house that grew children remains the perfect place for grandchildren or a place to invite others in to live as I am witnessing happening. New configurations being formed from economic necessity.As a society, things are breaking down to help us evolve.  All this is movement, is allowing change and growth though it may manifest as suffering in the old model. Again, it is perspective. Many are having to reinvent themselves and find a freedom in letting go of jobs that no longer fit, even if the letting go is scary and not consciously chosen. Often, we create change in our lives,  that from our conscious smaller self, we would not have chosen. I played victim to circumstances in my life that I now view as life saving rather than life ending. How grateful I am to now be a conscious co-creator of my reality with my higher self. I trust always that she is showing me the shortcut home, whether my rational mind can understand it or not.

As we allow possessions to flow in and out, we discover that there is so much stuff in the world! I have begun noticing how things show up when I express a need or desire. As my son returned my car keys to me, a couple fell off the flimsy keyring. I thought, I need to look for a sturdy one so that I do not lose a key. Later that day, one that had been mine years ago showed up and it suited me perfectly! Small thing but the more I acknowledge and appreciate how the universe is caring for me, the more caring I receive!

Beliefs are another area that we get caught in. We were trained to see the world as black and white, shades of gray were not available. We can allow ourselves to contradict ourselves, try on new ideas, drop beliefs that no longer fit. Others may try to put you back in the former belief box as your changing can feel threatening to their way of seeing the world. There is a sense that the black and white box is a place of safety. Yet in truth, it is a form of enslavement as we allow ourselves to be manipulated by the powers that were. (Yes, were, as the old order is crashing down.)

A friend wrote the following to me and it spoke so deeply to my heart. She is an artist and I think a poet as well. She has given me permission to share this: 

sometimes i am overwhelmed with my good fortune – to be alive, to be able to think and act and make choices, to see the sky brighten as dawn arrives,  to love the earth, pachamama, to know she is perfection and i am a part of her.  i am so blessed to have had this wisdom come to me.  and when my dying time comes, i know I will know how to do this – even with the fear.
But it really is time for me to bring my energies inward, to have at least some years before my next great passing to study nurture and love, recognize, appreciate and enjoy all my uniquenesses – and then to release this too – i am not done with myself yet – i want to know so much more about how i am and how i work and to sit in the dappling sun, to watch another season pass over the gardens, feel the winds lifting away the debris of my carcass, to watch those coils from and to mother loosen and fall flaccid to the ground.  ahhhhh – yes i am still breathing!

With that, I leave you and enter this misty morning.