It has been interesting to experience the sensations of the past couple of weeks. My physical body has been one that has served me well, occasional back or neck issues over the years but short-lived. My body has been a being that I could rely on at any moment to come through with the strength needed for the task or activity at hand. To suddenly be without that, has brought me to my knees. Toothache, last year’s root canal and crown costing thousands, suddenly is alive with pain. My back is a dull presence that reminds me of limitations as I attempt to use it in the old ways. I am taking a course to learn new ways to sit, stand, walk, lie. New exercises to lengthen and strengthen. All exhausting.

I accept that my body, in her infinite wisdom, is propelling me into new waters. This space of physical vulnerability has unhinged me. I did not realize how dependent I was on my health. It has been there for me to draw on with little attention paid. Now I am paying attention. Emotions are raw. I feel as if I walk about without a skin, everything prickling. I do not feel fit to live in the energies. That of course, is the invitation.

We are betwixt and between frequencies, finding our way in the dark. There are moments of anguish, crying out at the uncomfortableness that stretches me beyond where I thought I could go. There are moments of peace that flows like a river, carrying me gently in its wake. The rawness predominates. What are the words to express the feeling of climbing the mountain, the air thinning with every step, survival not guaranteed? I have been silent as when one is using every bit of air to simply breathe, it is not possible to do anything else. The summit has not been reached with its glorious view and perspective to sustain one. No, I am on the steep slope, in danger every moment of sliding back, taking tumbles as rocks give way beneath my feet. Getting up again by some interior will that no longer has anything to do with me or my desires.

What do I desire? From my limited view, focused as I am on putting one foot in front of another, it is a barren landscape. I can feel our mother earth, my body registers the winds that sweep over me, the mist that chills me, the sharpness of the stones. Fragments of beauty register, the shared look of incredulousness with a fellow climber, a blossom opening to the warmth of the sun, a drink of hot tea. Accepting all. That is the challenge, letting go of labels of good, bad, desired, not desired. I no longer know anything.

I simply am. A swirling field of energy. A deep thrumming, a hum inside. Intending to be the chalice for the liquidlovelight but not able to direct any of it. Not able to summon any umph on my own, simply being with what does arise or move. A thought can move in but the ability to decide how to respond, has disappeared. A more knowing part of me, holds the reins. I can only trust that she steers me well. Even that thought holds no juice…..she does or she does not, I do or I do not. There is no energy to desire it one way or another. All neutral, a field of quiet through which I observe myself writhing in this empty space. Searching for handholds, discovering none. Surrender is continual.

Buds of spring from seemingly dead wood.

I signed up for this. There was no way to imagine how difficult it would actually be. I witness others finding their connections, the passions arising as creativity takes hold. I am still in the shadowlands, nothing is clear. I offer what I am to the All that is. It is enough.

I was so captivated to witness this moment in the unfurling of this Lilly’s petals. It looked like hands held in prayer before offering their full beauty.

A”river of rain” is set to flow into our area today. My pink prayer flags are flying, the palm trees’ fronds dancing as gusts of wind enliven their movement. The fire is blazing on the hearth, the wood is stacked by the back door for easy access, a hot cup of coffee at my elbow along with a piece of sprouted toast topped with my childhood favorite peanut butter and orange marmalade. In a word…..ready.

What am I ready for? Peace. Peace on earth. Magic on a scale that beggars belief. Freedom for one and all, in every aspect of our lives. All of this is possible. We are the creator gods come to bring it in. Our every dream for what life could be; stuffed down to the bottom of our hearts and buried over a hundred times by disappointment, despair, betrayal, pain, rejection, obstacles, fatigue, anger, sadness…..come to life again. The past few weeks have seen a great purging wave wash through our hearts, throwing this debris up onto the shores of our consciousness. We have had to wade through it, at times it might have been hip deep and a mighty struggle. No matter. It has been a gift. Loving waves sent by the Mother, by our own selves, by our Father to clear our hearts so that the desires we came in with, could once again see the light of day.

Who knew it would be difficult to give up hardship? To let go of the patterns of struggle? To step off the wheel of worry and stress? Are we able to trust joy? To trust love? To trust peace?

A face in a gnarled branch, whispering to me.

It is time. We stand at the threshold and must remove the old robe of cares that kept us small and compliant. To let go of any idea of safety, of security in anyone or thing outside of ourselves. We are invited to stand naked before ourselves and our Creator, letting our heart lights shine like mighty beacons, to light the way ahead.

One step…that is all it takes to cross the threshold. A thousand voices scream out their warnings yet in the quiet of our hearts, we know truth. To take the step is our salvation. It is the step into freedom and the path that allows us to live our deepest desires. The surrender asks all, nothing can be hidden, nothing carried beyond the doorway. It is the eye of the needle which only heart light can pass through.

A dreamscape of my heart

I have been quiet as I acclimated to this new space. Is this real? the mind asks over and over. Yes. A deep peace permeates my being. All is well is a refrain that plays softly. There is a floating sensation, a feeling of being embraced by soft clouds of love light. Presence. I am called to the now more than ever. Future planning can be engaged in but feels surreal. I can look at an idea of it, yet the deep well in me knows it will be more magical than my consciousness could envision or execute. The past evaporates as quickly as it is lived. Time is known to be illusionary. The gifts of the present moment create waves of gratitude. Tears flow as part of the adjustment to this amazing love light. My body desires rest, my lower back continues its constriction that keeps me in this quiet zone. To enter into this house, is like entering the land of the lotus eaters. We move in a slow rhythm that matches the tones that play just below the surface of our hearing. The love shared is palpable, a nourishment as we each claim a couch, close our eyes and weave our liquidlovelight in patterns unseen. I am so grateful for my sons, for their willingness to be true to their inner knowing, to have answered the call of their hearts.

Our society does not allow this deepening. Survival has demanded that productivity must be adhered to in order to live. There is no space given for the dreamer. Nature has her cycles of growth and decay. Bulbs require their deep sleep in the ground, so as to offer their brilliant blooms in the spring. We have been underground, clearing the way for our green shoots to emerge. Resting until the creative force arises, pushing aside the dense dirt and reaching for the sunlight to bathe our pure heart. Innocence come again, we are creating a safe space for all our little children to come out and play.

A river runs under this store, I stood on the glass and watched it rush beneath my feet.

I can feel the shifting patterns swirl under my feet. I sense the many timelines stretching outward. For each of us, the most beautiful pattern is being woven, for us and by us. I stand still as to step now is not wisdom. Too much is in play for me to clearly see the path. I breathe in this peace and surrender. Trusting the timing and easy in the knowing that I will feel the impulse that will carry me forward. Every cell is attuned. The notes play a melody across my heart. I have always known my cue. There is no more preparation, no more to be done. Only this note of beauty, of peace, of quiet joy to be sung.

I am grateful to all who gave of themselves to bring me here. I am grateful to myself for the courage to drop the old robe and take this step. I am grateful to all who paved the way and all who follow. All responding to our cue. We are actors upon the stage and the new play has begun. The curtain rises. Places everyone.

Am I in love with me? Have I taken the gift of this life in and treasured it? I was reflecting on the ways I show love to my son, who is currently sharing space with me. How tender is my love, how it wants to place a soft blanket of protection and care about him. Do I treat myself with that same tenderness? What if I see myself as the very dearest person to me? How would that change things? Instantly I saw that our world would be born anew if all people did this. I saw energy fields expand in a flash and love explode its golden pink light across the earth.

I am the very dearest person to me. I am my own beloved. Oh, do you notice the shadow of old programming raise its spectral head at that statement?  I do! I have been sitting with all that this brings up. It is quite a lot.

The ways that I have not loved my body…my back has been keeping my movements limited and I have watched my reactions, my frustration. Our bodies are these warm blooded elemental beings, dedicated to us, to our growth and mastery. They are so deserving of our love. Can I look upon my own body the way I look upon a newborn? Precious, delightful, a magical creature of soft hills and planes. My body has its own tender terrain, pathways plowed across my face by sunlight and strain, veins popped to the surface in answer to some need, weight sagging off the pole of my spine, spots, moles, bumps and scars telling a story of use and more than a little neglect as I used it as a tool. She birthed and suckled children, she was a shovel to a landscape, an open chasm to a lover, a cushion to a tiny head.  She is my trusted friend.  In her greater wisdom, she paces me. She allows the ebb and flow that is perfect for my growth. She has assisted me to leave toxic situations that my mind and will would not allow. She did the dirty work, took the brunt of the energy in order to say no more. I recall the endless well of tears that flowed that finally carried me from a job that was consuming me. I had no control over them, they streamed unbidden whether I was at my desk or in a meeting. Leaving the job allowed the space to look at the marriage that required leaving also. I was numb but this body carried on.

Now, I am guided to make a move to a new state, a new life that I know nothing about. My body has decided to relieve me off any decision making as to when this will happen. She is fully in charge and I am learning to honor her wisdom and guidance. She is teaching me to be gentle with her. To care for her with ice packs and walks. To lie down and watch the clouds drift by, allowing the inner spaces to be filled.

The darkness invites me in.

I am my beloved. The inner landscape, is it a battlefield or a peaceful plane? I have just finished reading, Matterhorn by Karl Marlantes.  It is a novel of a soldier’s experience in the Vietnam War. It took me deep inside the horrors, the exhaustion, the pain, the mind numbing fear, the senselessness, the death and destruction. Not my usual novel of choice yet I am glad my elder son recommended I read it. The young men face themselves in all their shadow and light. If they were fortunate to walk out alive, they left the jungle with weighter burdens than their one hundred pound packs. Shame and guilt sloped their shoulders, along with all those they were trained to hate and kill,  and those they loved and watched die. That they stood at all, speaks of the courage of the human heart.

What am I carrying in my inner spaces? I look around to see the holes that have not been filled with love. I see all the spaces where I thought I did it wrong, I was not good enough, I did not deserve joy. I have been here, many a time, clearing out the overgrown brush, hacking away with a machete. I have learned to drop the machete, to take up streams of liquidlovelight, flowing it from my heart in a steady thread. I have closed many a gap, created a soft clearing to rest within. A peaceful abode where I sink into pink cushions of love. My spirit asks now for more room, a palatial expanse. This novel assisted me to go within to the remaining jungle and stare death in the face. To look upon the part in me that would kill and enjoy it. The ego that would sacrifice others to keep its shining visage. It is not as stark as these young men faced, yet their story is mine. In the end, we all have to stand on that battleground and make the choice to embrace our enemies with love. To drop the self imposed burdens that we have taken on over the years. To forgive everyone, and hardest of all,  to forgive ourselves.

The love flame must be built to a mighty blaze to burn away the ropes with which we secured our burdens, hugging them close to our chests. To stand in this flame, to offer ourselves, in full view of ourselves and watch it all go up in flames. We cannot know what, if anything,  will remain. One must wait until the smoke has cleared to see oneself. With the burning away of judgment of self, we are set free. A friend wrote on this, that the day of judgment that the Bible speaks of is not administered by some bearded god on a throne, rather it is our own selves who decide the timing of the day and whether we enter heaven or hell. We are our own judge and jury. We choose to walk in freedom or remain in chains of bondage.

In truth, only when our inner landscape is one of peace, will we witness peace in the world. It is time to witness all that is in the world as love. To take in the horrors and love it all without being plunged into a story of suffering. To trust in ourselves as creator gods who have had enough of the warring and death, separation and exile. Who seek peace with a full heart, knowing that cracking the whip on ourselves, brings it down on our brother’s back. Can I be the tender lover, whispering endearments to the raised voices of judgment and doom?

I am my beloved. I befriend every harsh thought with an embrace and show them room. There is space for all within me. The hidden mines are sought out and deactivated. The sunlight streams through as I grow in courage to step into the darkness that lies in wait. All aspects of my being are honored for their part. Everything in this world craves love, craves to be seen, to be acknowledged and valued. The darkest shadow seeks love’s caress.  Can I offer this? Can I love my pettiness, my anger, my blackened rage? Can I sit with sorrow and grief, offering my presence without words? The lovelight seeks the trembling terrors to cloak them in its flame. Come, come, step into this transfiguring flame of love as I honor each for a part well played.

The wisdom of my body has allowed this opening. This space of stillness has invited me in, the shadowlands asking full exposure, to share the mountain tops’ glory.

This day, I take myself, Linda Marie, as my beloved, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, till death us do part. I will love, honor and cherish you, all the days of my life.

Perhaps we were not meant to pledge ourselves to another forever. Truly, that pledge belongs to us alone. Today I open myself to cradle the newborn of my being. As I cradle me, I cradle thee. All One. All love.

A few bright leaves on this dormant maple, the rebirthing within the dying.

Today is my birthday, 59 years of age. This year it feels significant as I am being asked to take a leap of faith. I have leaped, jumped and thrown myself forward many a time, but this feels different. There is a newness to the energy available. I sense that the magic is there, awaiting me to bring it to life. The frequency of our earth has risen to a point where we can begin to co-create with all that is.

There has been an inwardness, a desire to be with oneself that I have noticed in those about me and myself. Seeking that quiet place of stillness that has been emptied out. The Linda Marie that has been up to this point has dissolved. I no longer have a framework of identity to hang on or structure to move from. I know only that I know nothing. There is no form to inhabit. Only space and beingness. I appreciate the role that frustration has played in breaking down my ideas of self. I became so frustrated and tired of the life I have been living, the me that I have been, that there was only surrender. In that “giving up” was the opening I did not know, I had longed for. Offering it all up, the emptiness, the destruction, the shell.

Here I am, housed in an elemental physical being which I no longer have the energy, desire or will to animate. Take it, use it, house it…it is yours. I offered it to the Creator as there remained no “me” to direct it in any way.

The light illuminating the ferns, bringing out their rich greenness. Allowing myself to be illuminated or shadowed as the Sun of my being desires.

I have noticed this in many, the detachment, the moving inward, the dropping away from drama, from control, from desire, the waves of sadness as all falls away. So many tell me of staying up later than their partner, getting up earlier as they seek that solitary time. I have witnessed the space offered for life to unfold rather that the old push and pull. All part of the divine dance. This, a step I did not know existed except for the saints and mystics of the ages. Yet, it is here for us all. Within reach of our ordinary, pedestrian lives.

I awake and allow the Creator to do as She/He will. Animate the form, flow or not flow. I have no preference. I am done with that dance of duality.

There is body discomfort, so many with back pain, chest and head issues. Strange electrical shocks in an elbow, pressure in an ear, sore throat for an hour or two that morphs into side pain. I hear that we are recalibrating, rewiring, regenerating. My back has gone through cycles of pain. I had a few days free, felt the joy of  exercising, moving lightly. Then a spasm again and limited movement as the energy arose to move southwest. Hmmm, yes, I feel this leap to a new state, a new place to be here and yet my back is not able to sit comfortably. Packing and a twenty hour drive ahead did not seem to line up. Yet I felt only that all would work, not to be concerned. Allow. There is this softening that came in with the new year. A dream like buffer of sorts that keeps anything from being sharp or intense. “All is well” plays softly in the background throughout the day.

A zen garden offering its serenity.

I have moved out of the “flatlands” where the landscape was an unremitting gray. I find myself in a new space, each moment arising in freedom as I have no hands on the controls. I am observing all from a place of wonder and curiosity. What will present itself? I know only that this is the opening and I am moving through it. Expansion explodes on my inner vision as my true being flows in. I sense that we are all about to burst our former bonds, to fly free as the butterflies. This is the quantum leap that creates a new world.

I see each one’s light bursting forth like a star. I see the earth being covered by the light of you and you and me until there is not an inch of ground that is not bathed in this loving light. That is what it takes. To surrender and allow our truth, our glorious divine nature to shine through. One must be emptied to make enough room for the fullness to enter.

The dreamscape, softening this world. What is real, what is illusion?

Words cannot describe it. There is a wonder as I live it. Weaving rays of light so bright, I feel a new world begin to shimmer into form. There is a deep peace in this allowing, this being lived rather than living. Not my will, but thine be done. This has been the magic I sought for so long. I know now that the end of seeking is when the living truly begins. I am so grateful.

Lift off!

The house is quiet, the hearth flickers and sighs with its flames, offering heat against the freezing night. The Christmas tree keeps me company. It has been many years of solitary New Year’s Eve vigils. I had my celebration a couple of nights ago, when we helped a dear one celebrate his birthday with an outdoor fire. He cooked over the hot coals that blazed as we all tended to that fire inside. There were the hushed conversations that fires bring. Bodies huddled forward against the frigid night. Quiet laughter and firelight dancing in one another’s eyes. The stars were singing their brilliance, lit by the half moon floating high. We ended the night with a launch of fire balloons, an idea my daughter had brought back from a festival she attended in Thailand.  I found some eco- friendly ones online and ordered them for the holidays. We chose this night to be our New Year’s Eve. As we lit our balloons and held them to the sky until they tugged to fly free, we spoke our wishes in our hearts. It was magical and felt in keeping with the fluid nature of time to set our own timing for the new year. I felt such exuberant joy as our small group watched our balloons float straight up to the moon. They were then caught by a breeze that took them southward, and finally, one by one, disappeared from our sight. We were as children, filled with wonder. Exclamations of joy rang out as we followed the fiery sparks of light on their journey across the night sky.

I love the tug I felt as the balloon sought release. I wanted to float with it into that night sky.

It  was a night of harmony that felt new and alive. The birthday man had issued this invitation: ” It’s about winter and darkness and the fire we can build in it….” We all felt touched by it as we ate the celebratory cake. Their was a giddiness to the conversation, laughter at the collection of hats on our heads, dug out from the basket collected over the years. Our hearts felt innocent and free. This…this is what is opening for us all. This sense of joy, of play, innocent delight in the elements of fire, cold air, luminous paper, brilliant stars, warm hands. The coal burns yet in my heart, I have only to think of that night,to ignite its warmth once again.

My bed calls me to dream in the new day. I thank the Christmas tree with its lights and the fire in the hearth for their company. I step out to thank the stars that wink in the icy canopy of this last night of 2014. I bring in an armful of logs to stoke the hearth for this long night. Gratitude for all that has been, fills my heart. I send out my lovelight to all that is a part of this world. May we all be blessed. May joy and love and peace be made real for each one, by each one.

The Madonna and Christ child that always stood over my in-laws’ mantel. Mom bequeathed it to us, knowing my love of Mary.

The Solstice came and went and I did not depart. There was a death and a resurrection which I sense so many of us went through. The following day I felt wrung out, limp, enervated. I spent the day on the couch reading a tale of mages and dragons, warmed by the salamanders dancing in the wood stove. A myriad of feelings arose, I allowed them all their time on the center stage of my awareness. It was an interesting show; depression, exhaustion, joy, confusion, peace, chaos, sorrow…the line up was quite impressive. My body had no energy to move away, I was a captive audience. I clapped for each one’s performance, grateful for their authenticity and courage to step out and be fully seen. I went to bed with a blanket of peace about me.

My former hubby and I have taken turns in the kitchen, me in charge of cookies, he is the bread baker and soup maker. He cleaned up the yard debris, I cleaned the house. We noted the ease and grace we both felt, moving so lightly and joyfully through Christmas preparations without the old frenetic energy. We took breaks to sit in the sun and eat our snacks. We watched long loops of gossamer threads waft on the slight breeze to land on a chair, a plant, the grass. The sunlight showcased its shimmering. It looked to originate from the nearest tree, ten feet up. It continued to spread its luminescence in a swath of a dozen feet or more. Now it seemed it must come from a taller tree, set further back in the yard. We pondered if it was a giant spider weaving this massive carpet of sticky delight. Where did it come from? We decided that it did not matter, rather we could sit and enjoy the wonder of it without knowing any facts. Grace weaving a carpet at our feet.

The flowering of vegetables, a bouquet of emerald life freely given by our Mother Earth.

A friend called and we wove understanding between us, the warp and woof interacting to deepen our knowing. I so love the tapestry of understanding we weave! We were speaking of the Solstice and this new space we have landed in. We felt the hush, the Divine Mother with her finger to her lips, shhh. Quieting us, soothing us, wrapping us in her magical pink blanket of love. Oh, this is the meaning of Silent Night! The world holds its breath for a moment in awe and wonder as the Christ light enters each heart. We are each offered this gift. All who choose to unwrap it this Holy season, whatever their religious belief, will fall silent in its presence. The Christ light is our birthright. We are Christed beings come again to bring forth the memories of the Oneness of which we are all a part. We are invited in these last days of the year, to step out from under the dark cloak of despair and duality to don our radiant raiments of liquidlovelight.

I slip on this shimmering gown, to stand poised in the doorway of the new. The light is blinding and disorienting. I take deep breaths to feel my center. There is no knowing. I allow my monkey mind its chatter. It is muffled, quieted. My heart assures me that it will lead. My crown chakra wears a crown of dancing energy that feels like faeries’feet, lightly landing as they dance their joy. My feet send forth shoots of light into this dear earth in gratitude. I allow her answering to flow up to my heart, a shoot of emerald lovelight. We both smile. I open my being in the center of that faery ring on my crown, sending my liquidlovelight in a wild stream out to our sun and the Great Central Sun. Our love, a power hose with a reach that spans light years in an instant. In stillness, I await an answer and it comes in a shower of lovelight, golden in hue. I drink it in, an elixir that infills, nourishes.

Sitting with the lights in the predawn hours.

I know nothing of what lies beyond this doorway, this moment in time. I know only that it will be new. That I am done with the life of the wandering mystic. That chapter has closed. We have done our work well. We have pushed against hardship, we have suffered under the weight and density of the despair mankind has created and lived. We have cleared lands, connected grid lines, anchored light, used ourselves as acupuncture needles to bring our earth and ourselves back to health. We have fought our inner dragons, wrestled with ancient demons come to sup on our light. We have been victorious with the aid of our brothers and sisters from the stars and the inner earth. The heavenly hosts of angels have had our backs along with the ascended masters, the devas of the elemental kingdoms, the elements of the earth. All came to our aid to complete this Herculean task.

We have become so used to the struggle, that we are reluctant to lay down our swords, to shed our armor. It is now safe to do so. Lay it all down. Let the tears fall. The earth receives them in gratitude for a job well done. The Mother beckons with her sweet smile. I go to her, innocence returning with each step I take from the armor I have shed. Oh, as she lifts me into her lap of love and cradles me to her breast, sobs shudder through me. I did not know! I did not know! I AM the Christ child. I am her child of love. I am the Holy infant. I did not know this truth my cells are singing. I am loved! I am cherished!

I knew I was loved by Mother Mary, she has long been my mother, ever since my parents disowned me, almost forty years ago, she has been the mother I looked to in my life. But this! To look at the Christ child in her arms and see myself. I never imagined it would be. She smiles down at me, her tenderness a benediction, her words soundlessly land in my heart.

“My dear child, I am so pleased that you have opened your gift! I can see that it pleases you. Yes, you are my holy child. You carry the Christ light. There is a halo about your head. This which is now known, may never be taken from you. It is offered to each of my children this Holy season of love. May all unwrap their gifts. A mother’s heart knows only joy in the giving. May each of my children open their hearts to receive. I love and cherish each heart as my own.”

Yeshua, my brother comes now to hold my hand as Mary rocks me. His smile is so radiant and his words stream in:

“Dear sister, you now know the truth of who you are. We are siblings bathed in our Father’s/Mother’s love. The time is ripe for this awakening. It is time for each to know their own beauty. It is the time I foretold, when you will do greater works than I, in my life as Jesus/Yeshua. You have accepted the Christ light with all its wonders and responsibility. As I told you, my burden is light. Wear your light with lightness, spread the joy of your being. The Golden Age of Peace has dawned. Welcome Home. my little sister. Welcome Home.”

I rest in this, I rest in this. Glory to God, peace and goodwill to all men. Hallelujah, hallelujah!