Creativity Awakens Once Again

Posted on February 25, 2011 by lovelylinda

Today has been a lovely day despite the cold and rain splotched weather. I had only slept a few hours as sleep eluded me until 3am. Figured that my body needed some rewiring that involved me being awake but not very conscious, you know that dreamy state. I sing to myself, say prayers, daydream. Too tired to get up and do anything, eyes not able to focus to read, mind relatively quiet. Feeling strange tinglings and sensations in different parts of my body. How glad I am that I do not have to function in a 9-5 job. I recall the feeling of desperation as the clock would tick away the night time hours with me awake. “Oh no, it is 4 am and I have to be up in 2 hours, how will I survive?” Panic used to set in which only made the whole situation worse. Now I observe it and my mind, and drift with it.

I got up wondering if my car needed to be moved. The San Francisco parking patrol officers are very efficient at their jobs. The kids and I joke about adding to the support of this beautiful city each time one of us gets a parking ticket. We have gotten better since they got a parking permit that allows you to park for 3 days on your neighborhood streets, rather than the 2 hours for those without the permit. Due to my temporary status, I did not apply for a permit. Not sure how many you are allowed per address. My car has to be parked where you can stay for a day or two or three. That involved a walk of a few blocks, that leads you steadily up hill. The last block is so steep that you get quite the workout. Each street has its own street cleaning days, 2nd and 4th Mon, 1st and 3rd Wed. No uniformity on the myriad streets that constitute my parking area. So 8am is the deadline for moving the car, usually. Some are from 12-2pm, others from 10-12noon. I did get a ticket for a random one that was from 6-8am, There I was right before the stroke of 8am feeling righteous and delighted with myself for remembering to move the car only to see the flapping white envelope tucked under my wipers. $55! Another was for turning my wheels the wrong way for the grade (I am a bit dyslexic), and the others were missing the street cleaning times. $50-$65 a crack. I think that the times are purposely set so differently to keep everyone confused. You cannot go online and check the dates and times to watch for so…you have to remember. Which brings me back to this morning when I could not recall if it was the 1st and 3rd Thurs or 2nd and 4th. So, I pulled on some clothes and headed out into the morning mist for a quick hike up the hill. My car was safe until Monday morning. I repeated Monday morning aloud to myself a few times as I walked down the hill, to register it in my brain. It all becomes a blur after awhile.

Intended to do my exercises before showering. Lucy came home from an early morning work out, she made me a yummy breakfast of kale (never my favorite green but she makes it appealing) and an english muffin with egg and cheese. I began to play around with my art project. A friend called on skype and we spoke for quite some time. We shared our art projects and encouraged one another. Back to the project. I had begun it with what I had. I was pulling the wrong kind of needle through a difficult angle as the wooden frame of the small canvas was obstructing easy access. It made the whole process more laborious than necessary but I was determined to use what I had as I had no desire to head out to a store.

Another friend called who I had not spoken with in quite some time. We shared stories and encouragement. Truly we do need one another as we move through all the changes that are taking place. I told her that I had been feeling anxious yesterday. Old energy for me. She too had felt the same. We both had had dreams of men from our pasts, dreams where things were explained and growth had taken place on the part of the men. Nice to know I am not alone in this. Another friend emailed that she was feeling the continual releasing on a deeper level and that she was not judging herself but rather accepting herself where she found herself. That was a good reminder to me. When you have some time in the bliss state, the anxiety state can produce some panic, “Yikes, I am back here! What have I done wrong?”

When in truth, it is all as it should be. Accept what is in every moment. I remember this most of the time but the feelings of anxiety had thrown me for a loop. Thank goodness for friends on the path who can help bring me back home!

I was doing an outdoor boot camp with my daughter. She is just starting her own business so I went to support her, praying that I could get through her workout! At one point I was next to her and began speaking of things that I needed to take care of. She looked at me in surprise. I said, “I know, I am feeling anxious.” She said, “Mom, it is ok. You are safe. It will all be fine.” So dear that she can instantly be the mother and reassure me. You are safe..that was the dearest expression! I recall days on my couch where I repeated those words, “You are safe “, over and over like a mantra. It was my first apartment of my own as well as first time living alone at 51 years of age. After years of no solitude, I was suddenly immersed in the silence and aloneness.

Back to my art project, playing with the beads and seeing where it would all lead. I am more fluid in my art these days. Less planning, more of a co-creative process as I see where my soul leads me. Art has that aspect inherent in it, the flowing. But I noticed today that I did not worry about how it would turn out. Gave myself permission to simply play with the beads and colors. I love gold leaf though I do not know much about working with it. But I have used it as well as twigs and stones on most of my paintings. Also I like writing on the painting. I had sent my sister home with my twin flame chalice painting, as she really loved it. Today two people expressed regret that I had given it away as they really loved it. That was nice to hear. My sister called and was happily trying out the painting and a little ceramic buddha that I had made, in various places around her apartment. I am glad to think that she will get enjoyment from something that I created. I do like my art but once it is created, I am not so attached to it. The process of creating is the real joy for me. Though I have enjoyed going places and being pleased to encounter something that I have made at various friends’ houses. Also, the traveling lifestyle does not lend itself to keeping a stack of paintings with me, nor ceramics for that matter. So, most has been given away. My kids have some and friends the rest.

So, today I created a miniature painting, 5x7inches. I may go smaller. I am experimenting as I have a series of sketches for twin flame pictures that I want to create. Tiny ones would be fun but I had to see how the beads would work, to know how small I can go. It is kind of funny to me as my great desire is to paint with a house painting type of brush on huge canvases where my whole arm could sweep across and up and down. I can feel in my body that I have done that size painting before…..not in this lifetime but surely in another. So small is not my thing yet I have been attracted to mosaics and tiny intricate work. I was pleased with how this first attempt came out. The photo does not show the colors well. It has a light blue background and more vibrant colors…but you can get a sense of it. The writing says:

“Love is such a perfect lover, caressing and waxing our souls to blossom from seeds hidden within the soul. We are blissful in our love, lifted, transported, expanded into the cosmos.Love is such a perfect lover. I am love, You are love. We are love.”

Now I cannot recall where I read those lines, I added the last three but know that I did not write the others. If you know, let me know!

I then surprised myself by getting into gear and making miso soup, wholewheat muffins with orange zest and grated ginger and chocolate cookies for dessert. The kids came home late, cold and wet from their workout in the rain so I was happy to have some warm food prepared for them. I do not care for cooking for myself but when there are others to appreciate it, it becomes more of a joy to me. Baking is always a joy, I love to bake.

So, only a brief walk outside yet contentment as the art progressed. Just had a late night call from Eagle, my Lakota chief friend. He is coming for dinner tomorrow night if I can cook some wild meat for him. He asked, “Do you have any wild buffalo, deer or turkey meat?” No, not in my fridge but I am sure that somewhere in San Francisco I can find a place to buy some. It has been awhile since I cooked anything of that nature but I will make an attempt for my friend.

Time for bed, almost midnight and surely sleep will take me.

Transparency and Clearing our Hearts

Posted on February 22, 2011 by lovelylinda

This image is of in installation called Wood Line by Andy Goldsworthy. My sister and I walked along it (actually I walked on it, balancing as I raced along) in the Presidio of San Francisco. For me it reflects the clearing of my pathway through the jungle of my heart. Yes, you can see that I am not laying a straight path, rather it meanders and follows a rhythm of its own as it moves toward the light. It is a work in progress and there is always more jungle to clear and new paths to lay.

Strange couple of days. Full moon brought up the emotions yet today I was simply drifting all day. Bit of recovery from a wonderful full on week with my sister. Nice to have the time and space to be alone and simply BE. I definitely need the balance of social and solitude.

I have been experiencing the transparency that is happening on a planetary level. We are seeing it in government, corporations and in our personal lives. Folks are finding old stuff coming up to be released. I am watching the fears come up, will each of us still be accepted if this is known about us? Will people still love me if they learn of this behavior? I was in a nail salon with my sister getting a manicure and pedicure and leafing through the magazines that they had. One of the topics was that the current bachelor (of a reality dating show) had a criminal past that had come to light. He was asked if he believed in second chances for folks, considering that he had this past. He said that he believed in giving folks ten chances or more to remake themselves. I agree with him. Our Creator has gifted us with these opportunities over and over in life, in each moment we can be born anew.

I am so grateful for all of this as it is freeing us from shame, guilt, old hurts and wounding. A friend was sharing her concern that some incident from her past could be a roadblock as she applied for a new job. I could see the shame that was attached to the incident and how it was being transmuted as she courageously spoke of it. By speaking of it and being witnessed, the charge was lessened. To me it seemed insignificant yet she had been holding herself hostage to it. How wonderful that we can find compassion for ourselves for all the living that we have done. For every misstep that we believe that we have taken, we have gained an understanding of another part of life, of another group of souls. It is all part of the pattern of life.

Think of the weight that is being lifted off the planet as each of us lets our shadow side come to the light of day. As we expose and embrace all parts of ourselves, the dark is literally turned to light. I see it like a flower that finally has access to water and sunlight and can begin to grow to that light. We are all flowering, all blossoming into our essence. It is so beautiful! I can feel the lightening on Gaia’s heart as she can breathe more deeply. We were taught that hiding parts of ourselves was the way to freedom but it turns out to the be just the opposite. The hiding was our anchor, keeping us small. The more we expose all of ourselves to the light, the more freedom we have. It is amazing to feel that expansiveness as layers are peeled away.

Last night I participated in a group meditative journey with a woman who channels the Goddess of Light. http://www.goddesslight.net/ The Goddess focused on clearing out our old memories on a conscious and unconscious level. I have been asking to let it all go. Drop all the memories of this and other lifetimes. I want to be fully present in the here and now. After the journey, the Goddess takes questions. I asked to clear anything that remained in way of love filling all of my being. She said that she saw a wooden stake and a rope that I had tethered my heart to in some way as a means of protection. She asked me to breathe down deep and release all that I could. I did this as she worked on me and felt a letting go. She laughed and said that it was fun to see it release so deeply. A big sigh of relief to me! I feel my heart getting lighter, expanding so that I can live more of my moments in the reality of love. That is the home that I keep returning to.

It is not all light and rosebuds, nor bliss as yet. There are moments of that but the past couple of days I feel almost separate from myself. I know that I am here and yet so much of me seems to be busy somewhere else. I watch all of this with a sense of tenderness. I weep easily at so many random things; a father holding his child’s hand and stopping with her to examine something on the ground, a group of old men playing games of chance on the street, laughing and arguing with one another, a flower in the moment of its disassembling as its petals let go. I find myself so dear these days. That in turn, leads me to find others so dear. We are all trying our best to do good, to be good. We want peace on earth, harmony and abundance for all. We are remembering that we are our brothers’ keepers. I love feeling the competition and striving fall away. It is so easy to give praise to others as I see so much that is praiseworthy as we each do this heavy lifting of clearing our emotional bodies of the dross. We have all suffered earthquakes, explosions, fires and tsunamis in our worlds. We have been tested again and again as we walk the landscape of the heart. We are clearing our pathways and trails now. All that has been neglected and overgrown must now be cut back and pruned. We can come out of the jungle of old emotions, we can heal the old scars. I love being conscious of this as I feel so in tune with our Mother Earth. She is working to clear and heal the old dense energies on her surface. We are working in tandem, as I release and clear my energies, I am clearing my place on her. As she clears an area, I feel a co responding lightness in my being. I can be a vessel for dense energies to move off of her surface and she can funnel lightness and strength to me. More and more, I feel a sense of awe at how our lives are so beautifully orchestrated and how carefully we have crafted them for our healing and growth. We are coming home to ourselves. We are finding that our inner landscapes are the wonders of the world and we have been carrying them with us all along.

My most fervant wish is that each one of us awakens to the beauty of our own hearts and begins to sing our note of gladness. Oh, how our Mother’s heart will tremble and be overcome with the joy of it. I can feel it as my own. Of course, it is my heart and mine hers. She is my mother and I, her dear child.

Mount Shasta’s Magic

Posted on February 19, 2011 by lovelylinda

The energies of the recent solar flares and yesterday’s full moon have affected me deeply. I have to remember that when I am feeling the disconnect. I felt a bit removed from life, watching myself with more of myself in that observer role. The full moon brought with it bouts of weepiness. Not unhappiness, rather its opposite. I felt so full of it all, the mystery, the beauty, the possibilities presenting themselves at this time on the planet. It feels like we are right at the vortex of a huge shift in consciousness. So many will awaken, are awakening.

My sister has been visiting and I have not had the space to write in as we have shared beds and rooms. I need that reflective time and space to write. We traveled to Mount Shasta to engage in ceremony with my friend, Chief Golden Light Eagle. We also wanted to see the mountain, my sister had never been and had heard so much about it. I had felt called to Mt Shasta for the past few months. So…we went. I did not find magic in the way that I had thought. I had been making calls to connect to Telos, the city of light that is under the

mountain and to Saint Germain who has been known to “hang out” there.

It turned out that I missed the ceremony with Eagle. He was not driving so things happened at times and places that he was not aware of before they were happening. That was a momentary disappointment but then I realized that it was all fine. I will see him in early March to share some time together. I did not have any contact with Saint Germain or Telos.

The magic did not come in any package that I had thought. I love how this lesson comes again to remind me that Spirit works in its own way. To be open to it, I have to get out of my mind and its projections of how anything should present itself and open my heart.

The gifts of this trip were many. There was heavy rain on the drive there and all the first day. Folks told us that we would not see the mountain as the storm was to continue and turn to snow. The first night, I took advantage of the hot tub, the sauna and the large bath in our room. Yes, all three. It took all of that water for me to feel back in my body again for the first time in a few days. Eagle had called for me to meet him while I was soaking in the tub but I could not make myself get dressed to head back out in the rain at that point of the evening.

I went to bed and dreamt that I was in a gathering where I was told that I carried the Lemurian energies. They were placed deep inside me, not outward for others to see. A soul sister of mine who had lived in Shasta until recently, appeared and she told me that she had my orders. I was overjoyed as I felt that I had been waiting forever to receive them and begin my work.

The next morning we awoke to sunshine and the mountain! She is so beautiful. There was a light coating of snow on everything, turning the world into one of pristine whiteness and stillness. That is the magic of a snowfall, everything is reborn into beauty and peace. We went for a walk in the woods along a creek where we delighted in the mosses and the trees. We headed back into town and spent time in the crystal shops where all the colors and textures of rocks and crystals call out to you. I was fairly buzzing by the time we left the stores. Back for more hot tubbing and sauna!

I was given a gift by some of the folks that we met at the inn. One person told me that he felt that I was carrying a block in my heart and suggested that my writing made me seem more open than I was in my living. I took it in as information and had to process it to see what resonated as truth for me. Earlier in my life, I would readily take on what others’ thought

as my stuff. Thank goodness, I now use my discernment to identify what is mine and what is others. I could see the stone in my heart that needed loving. It was not huge but it was in the pathway of the river flowing through me. The other part of the comment was not true for me and I let that go. A couple the next morning told me the same thing (Spirit oft repeats what we need to hear and three times is the turning point for me). The man said, “Your receiving box does not seem completely open.” The woman gestured to her heart and said, ” There is a rock here.” I got a hit that she could help me so I said, “Yes, and you are the one to help me with that.” The man then turned to me and said, ” You are so beautiful.” I responded, “Thank you, I feel beautiful.” He began to laugh and exclaimed, “Wow, your receiving box is open, that was beautifully received! I am so happy that you did that. It gives me such joy!”

We shared a delightful conversation before they packed up to continue on their journey. As they were heading out the door, the woman turned to me and said, “Ok, do you want to do that right now?” I said, “Yes!” I had held the intention that she had some healing for me and waited to see how it would manifest. So she cleared my field and my heart. Took an energetic pipe cleaner all pink and gold and peach (lovely colors!) and ran it through my heart. She then brought in more of myself to fill in the space created. It took no more than a few minutes and I felt wonderful.

The innkeeper is a massage therapist so I had a massage shortly after this. I called in Archangel Raphael, Mother Mary and Hilarion to overshadow him to further integrate the heart healing that had taken place. They were all there as was my white dove, Annabelle. She had a satin ribbon in her beak that she used to weave the hole in my heart. I saw it all woven to perfection. She then continued her weaving, threading her ribbon through all of my chakras. She finished with figure eight loops from my crown to my toes. So beautiful! I drifted with her and felt entwined by ribbons of light. Another gift!

The second morning we awoke to a foot of snow on the ground

and heavy fluffy flakes floating down at a steady pace. Another foot accumulated quickly. I went outside in my bathrobe and plastic clogs to stand on the earth and be showered with the fat flakes. It had been over a year since I had been in snow. It

felt delightful! I began to tone and bring up the energies from the earth and wave them out with my arms and hands to the elementals to carry where they would. I felt like I was conducting the energies. I realized that I was in my bliss. That was my moment. When I am connected to the earth and allowing the sounds to come through me, I feel my truth. This is who I am.

It all connected that evening when we stopped in Sacramento to introduce my sister to a dear soul sister of mine. I began to tell her about the toning in the snow. She is one who knows when I have to channel information. She touched my hand and said, “Let it come through.” The tones rang out in the restaurant and the tears fell. I spoke my truth, it is all harmonics! The earth is balancing with the rest of the universe and galaxy. We are coming into alignment. This is my assignment! This is my order! I am a toner. I am part of bringing the harmonics into balance. We are so close. I was gifted with a vision of it and could see how there is only a tiny shift needed to be in balance. Oh, the sounds. The beauty of how we all resonate together. I felt a shiver of deep knowing travel through me. How wonderous it is that sound is so powerful.

My sister said that she was amazed at the angelic quality of the sound as a joke of our childhood was my poor singing voice. My former husband had reinforced that by asking me to not sing to the children lest I teach them to sing off key. So to open my voice this past couple of years, has been a breakthrough for me. My toning has been done in private, me in the car or in nature by myself. I had noticed that those were the times that I felt complete joy and the most myself. I knew that if I were singing my little dittys to myself, that meant that I was aligned. This experience took that to a whole new level. Sound is part of me, I can make beautiful sounds, I can be a conduit for the earth and the angelic realm. I can be that hollow reed and open myself to be played by the Creator. Oh, what joy! To be in my greatest joy and for that to be my assignment, my job!

I had read that in the New Earth, our joy would be our work. Our gifts are the things that feel good to do, the things that are our passion. I believed that yet had not put two and two together to see that this was my passion. I had recently signed up for a Tom Kenyon sound healers workshop. He is a world renown sound healer whose work I love. Two years ago I had wanted to attend his workshop but was on the East coast at the time and it felt too far to travel as he is in Seattle. Now, even though I have no idea of where I will be or what my life will be in September, I registered for the workshop. I do not think of myself as a healer, that never resonated with me. I know that I am a teacher so the healer part of sound healing did not draw me. The sound aspect drew me as I want to know more. Now I see how it is all coming together.

I went to Mt. Shasta looking for some magic through Eagle, Telos and Saint Germain. I received magic through the snow, hot water, sounds, people, the earth and trees. Life is magical. I am so filled with gratitude for it all. As we all come into resonance with ourselves, sing our own notes out loud and clear, we are helping one another and our Mother Gaia come into resonance. All the cosmos is one of harmonics resonating in balance. I am a part of this. You are a part of this. This is the life that I have been waiting for!

Being scrubbed clean

Posted on February 14, 2011 by lovelylinda

Sunday evening, apartment is clean in preparation for a visit from my sister. There is much to look forward to this week. Yet, today I have felt a bit out of sorts all day. I am witnessing myself. Not feeling unhappy, nor sad but not joyful either. Neutral is the best I can come up with. I have learned that it is not always my energy that I am feeling. Checking in on that. I did wake up this morning from a dream where I was judging someone for their actions. I was arguing that the person’s actions fell into the “unacceptable” category. That I would not be judging him except that his behavior had crossed over the line that I held in my mind. It was interesting to me as even in the dream, I was aware how silly that argument was. I do not judge others except when I judge their actions to be ones needing my judgment. What??

I was grateful that I am doing some of this releasing of these old patterns in my sleep so as to not have to outpicture them during the day with others. It feels like this cleansing process is hitting the dregs down deep and really scrubbing us clean. I like that visual, getting right down to the bottom of that garbage can. You know how you empty the trash and put a new bag in the can. Time after time you empty the bag and insert a new one to be filled up. At some point, you have to actually scrub the can as bits of debris and garbage get lodged there. That is what I picture taking place right now. We are being scrubbed clean from the bottom up. Every nook and cranny is being scoured. It will feel so good to sit in our shiny selves just as I love being in the energy when my living environment is clean from top to bottom.

I bought a gardenia from the flower shop. The young man wrapped it in clear cellophane and sprinkled drops of water inside. It looked like a corsage, the water drops sparkling. I carried it home and unwrapped it, took this beautiful blue and white dish out of the cupboard, added a bit of water and carefully set the gardenia afloat. The fragrance is intoxicating. For $1.50, I gifted myself with a sensory pleasure.

I can live on that for my day. One hit of beauty and all is well.

Lost and found

Posted on February 13, 2011 by lovelylinda

I spend a fair amount of time on the phone with friends, it seems. I am so grateful that we have one another on this path. We are finding our soul family connections that feel so deep and true. A friend had recently experienced the deaths of close family members, three in a row. Intense emotions and experiences for anyone but one right after another was overwhelming. I was amazed to witness her ability to stay present through it all and hold a center of stillness and peace for her family. She endured many challenging scenes as is oft the case when someone dies and feelings of guilt, regret or anger come to the surface. When the death of a parent is involved, siblings can revert back to playing their old childhood roles. Being back in the family of origin, in the old house, can all conspire to bring up old patterns. Cellular memory takes over and it takes great awareness to avoid being sucked into those old patterns.

My friend saw this play out with her mom with whom she had had a challenging relationship for most of her life. She and her mom viewed life through a different lens. The death of her dad had brought up some of these painful emotions as things were said and done that were anything but soft. Yet my friend kept on giving, kept on being present. Her perseverance paid off as she invited her mom to stay with her for some time. During her stay, her mom made a comment about some of my friend’s paintings on the wall. She is a gifted artist but her mom said, “They are not very pretty, are they?” Oh, the things we say to one another! Here is one of her pieces that her mom did not like due to “her eyebrows”.

Now if my friend had known that she would be bringing her mom back with her, she said that she would have removed the paintings, knowing that they would not be her mom’s cup of tea.

Yet something wonderful came from this as before her mom left, she told my friend that she was to be done with her caretaking role for the family. It was time for her to stay put on her island home and to paint! Yes, her mom actually told her that when she left, her desire was to see her daughter paint. She emphasized that my friend was not to let anything or anyone distract her. She should focus her energies on her gift and get her painting under way again. Can you imagine how amazing that would feel after sixty some years of not being seen to suddenly have your mom, who constitutes the fundamental relationship in our lives, accept and encourage you to shine your light? Oh, my heart was just bursting as she shared her story. How beautiful. How wonderful that my friend received this gift. How powerful a creator she is to have done her own inner work that enabled her to hold space for her mom all those years, to continue to love her and care for her through all the ups and downs. Amazing! The reward so sweet after all that she had gone without for so long.

It was a beautiful story for her mom also, to at last be clear enough to see her daughter for the beautiful heart that she is. To see her talents and acknowledge them. Don’t we all yearn to be seen? To be truly seen for who we are? I also love how Spirit works with us to create situations for healing. If my friend had removed her paintings from the wall, her mom might not have made the comment that ultimately led to the healing that took place.

My mom and dad disowned me twenty some years ago. My dad has since passed away and my mom has not spoken to me in all those years. ( A younger sister had to be hospitalized and it came out that there had been incest in the family. I was the record keeper and spoke the truth which led to their disowning me.) I tried calling about a year ago when I had experienced a vision of my parents in meditation where I saw them both healed and swimming in a chalice of love in my heart. I wanted to tell my mom that I loved her and forgave her. I did not have her number but was able to contact my younger sister who lives near her. This sister has also not had contact with me. When I asked her for mom’s phone number, she became very upset and said, “You have been dead for twenty years. You cannot just come back to life. It would upset Mom”. Wow, I had somehow forgotten that I was dead! It was a very strange feeling. So sometimes, the healing and love can only be expressed through Spirit and other times, it can be expressed in our world, as has been my friend’s case.

So much is transpiring now to awaken us to our own beauty and truth. I am filled with gratitude for it all. Another friend called to tell me of a new job coming her way that will be one she enjoys and that she will be able to make money at. She has struggled for so long and been so brave in the face of losing so much in her life. I cried when she told me the news. I cry so often these days, tears of joy as we all find ourselves closer to our hearts. We are moving into that world that we have dreamt of all of our lives. I finally feel like I am living in a world that fits me more and more each day. I fit! You fit! We all fit! All of us sensitives and empaths can breathe a sigh of relief to be living in a world in which we are moving towards peace and love.

We were lost from ourselves and now we are found. Found in our hearts of love. I love you all.

Painting can be found at:

http://leabard.womanmade.net/gallery.html

Lesson of integrity and love

Posted on February 12, 2011 by lovelylinda

Today I have traveled up and down, back and forth across the emotional landscape. Right now I feel like water cascading down a waterfall. Rushing torrent carrying me down and finally, under I go. Sleep waiting for me in the deep, deep water. Do you ever feel the fatigue hit you that way? Yet I am prompted to sit up and get this down before I succumb to that deep sleep.

Started off so bright at the beach, walking along, picking up stones that glistened in the sand. They are so beautiful, the colors so rich. Carry them home in pockets, lay them out on the table only to discover that they are rather dull. The sheen has evaporated with the water. Some still call me whether through the feel of them against my fingers as I turn them over in my hand or some texture or shape that captures my imagination.

Ran into a couple of my younger son’s friends coming out of the surf after a morning of riding ocean waves. Joyful to see their wet shining faces so full of life and vitality. What a way to greet the day!

Drove up to Sacramento for lunch with my eldest son. A total pleasure to see his beauty shining so bright. Sometimes I need the physical read on him. After a recent phone conversation where he sounded a bit low, it was time to touch base, check in and simply soak him up. We ordered salads and sandwiches and sat in the park surrounding the Capitol. The trees are immense and deeply rooted in their peace. The camellias were in bloom in all their different colors and shapes. We sat on a bench in the sun and enjoyed the beauty. There was a garbage can near us and a homeless man was digging through and collecting the bottles to add to his cart for recycling. He was very industrious. After he had moved off, my son said how he always felt such a deep compassion for folks like this guy. It is hard to see any of our fellowmen suffering. I shared that I had been reading the Anastasia stories that came out of Russia and how Vladimir spoke of his experience of spending some time with a homeless man. He followed him around and then offered him an opportunity for employment with a friend of his as well as a place to stay. The man concluded that Vladimir was simply out to take over his dumpsters and he was having none of it. Vladimir protested that he was offering the man a chance for a different life where he might enjoy more comfort and ease. The man could not take in the idea of a different life as his days were filled to the brim with his present world. The story went on to say how we create our realities and our lives are as big as we can imagine or as my daughter had read somewhere, as big as we have the courage to imagine. We spoke of enlarging our own visions to encompass a life better than we can presently imagine. This or better please! I often ask the Universe and my higher self for “this or better” as I am limited in my imagination and know that there is more that I could be reaching for but have no language for it. Only a faint heart memory of such beauty and love unending.

My son spoke of the wonderful news from Egypt. I had not heard so it brought immediate tears to my eyes. What a blessing, what power of the people that we witnessed. I do not read nor listen to the news. From the internet websites that I frequent I respond to calls for prayers and healing light to be sent places. I was filled with such joy for the Egyptian people and so inspired by what they had accomplished. We are witnessing a new earth being born. It is so powerful.

Later I had to do an errand that found me out of integrity. I neglected to make a call to make a request of someone who had asked to not hear from me. Yet the situation warranted a call. I am not one who typically avoids confrontation, as my life as a truth sayer has given me a great deal of practice in this area. Avoid I did and there was an immediate consequence. Thank goodness. I used to tell my kids when they were little that they had to be aware that they had a clear knowledge of right and wrong in their beings and that when consequences came back quickly it was a sign of how deeply there were loved. So the love came flooding to me as I saw where I was out of integrity. It was humbling. I was grateful that the anger was diffused within a couple of minutes as I accepted the anger, acknowledged my mistake and apologized for my action. A base level of civility was gained in that short time. It took me a bit longer to accept my mistake, forgive myself and find my equilibrium again. There were many layers of pain that the incident brought to the surface and many old patterns. Amazing how much could be contained in this one small incident. I did my ho’oponopono:

I love you

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

So the day held deep beauty and love and also deep sorrow at the distance of a heart from mine as well as a lesson for my heart. So much in one day. Time is so expansive these days, I often cannot recall all that a day contained. I am grateful for all that occurred today, all of it enlarging my heart’s capacity to feel love and express love. Hallelujah!

Warriors of the heart

Posted on February 11, 2011 by lovelylinda

I had my oldest friend visit for a day as he flew into town on his way back to Shanghai. We figured out that we have known one another for 37 years now. I met him as an 18 year old exchange student to Western Australia and he was a brash 16 year old who had the courage to ask me out. He was telling me today that he was an introvert and I an extrovert. I laugh as I recall how shy I was and how much courage it had taken to become an exchange student, going through all the interviews that had been part of the proceedings. I knew that I was to do this and had made it happen. On the flight over, I told myself, no one knows you. This is an opportunity to remake your life. Be friendly and outgoing and say yes to everything. I had not dated at all in high school, I was the person all my girlfriends’ boyfriends came to for advice but not to ask out. He on the other hand was popular and very outgoing. He had no shortage of girlfriends.

I have lost many friends and most of my family on this journey to myself. At different stages, I became too out there, too much, too threatening a presence to be around. (I am so grateful for my sister, Peggy’s presence in my life). Yet this dear man and I have always been able to share our hearts with one another. He calls me his alter ego. He is an executive who travels the world designing buildings, I am the woman who lies on the grass singing to trees.

We enjoyed some interesting discussions today. We were talking about the nature of guilt and shame which I feel are wasted emotions though I spent many years under their rule. He believes that they are necessary. I believe in the transformative power of love and that to truly love and embrace ourselves is where our work lies. I believe that it is the biggest thing facing our society as a whole. We have been programmed to believe that we are guilty if we enjoy a good lifestyle as there are others who do not. We are to carry shame if our bodies are not fit, if we do not give our all to our work environments and so on. We have been taught to temper our joy, to play small. If we have transgressed in some area, we are always a transgressor. I know that the 12 step groups have helped thousands of people to recover from lives of addiction. Yet at each meeting, you state the words: “I am…fill in the blank: an alcoholic, a drug addict, a sex addict, a gambler and so on. We know the power of those two words, I AM. They are creative. Whatever follows is a statement to the universe. So we are taught that you must continue to live under that label and continue to attend meetings for your problem, even when it is a thing of the past. Our inner critic and societal regulations have kept us under lock and key. We have been programmed so successfully that we enslave ourselves and believe that we are free. It is easy to condemn ourselves, to find fault with some aspect of ourselves, to carry shame and guilt. It is much more difficult a task to love ourselves. This is where we become warriors of the heart. This is where the transformation truly begins.

A friend who is currently in a beautiful conscious relationship called in tears. She told me that she was so emotional. That previously she could set a day aside to deal with the emotions that the relationship brought to the surface. But lately, the emotions would not be contained. They were spilling out all over. She was crying for “no good reason” and wondered how he could continue to love her as she was a mess. We talked about all the releasing that we are all going through at present. People are finding their lives turned upside down. We are being forced to live more of our truth and all that is no longer serving us, is coming up to be released. It comes out as intense emotion. waves of sadness without a seeming cause, irritability, anger, and fear.

This is such a vulnerable time and a time that calls for great courage. We have to become warriors of the heart as this is the emotional heavy lifting. It is much harder than physical issues as it deals with our core fears of being loved and accepted for who we are. And the person that we most need the love and acceptance and gentleness from is ourselves.

As my friend said, “How can he still love me as I am such a mess?”. I said, ” Just witness how you are judging yourself. You are courageously allowing your emotions to surface and be released. You are doing it so beautifully. How could someone not love your heart? How could you not love your heart?”.

Indeed she had had the experience of feeling so sad and her partner actually waking up because he felt her sadness. He asked her what was wrong and she spoke of what she was feeling. She was crying and he began to laugh. As he comforted her he told her that he could only laugh with joy that he was with someone who felt things so deeply and expressed them.

Wow! This man is a courageous warrior of the heart. She has created a beautiful relationship for herself to grow her heart.

We do not recognize this kind of courage in our society. We have rituals and physical competitions where we recognize people’s abilities to push themselves through various outer endeavors. But we do not recognize the inner work that must be done to free ourselves from the programming that we have been subjected to most of our lives. It takes tremendous amounts of courage and inner strength to confront our inner demons that tell us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not wealthy enough……on and on the list goes. If we saw someone saying those things to someone we love, we would be upset yet we say them to ourselves all day long.

The other thing that is happening as we move through these transformative times is that we revisit our wounds. We think to ourselves, “What is wrong with me? I dealt with the pain of my divorce long ago and yet here I am again, back at square one!”

I read an explanation by the Eloheim that Veronica Torres channels. It created a visual for me that locked it in. She spoke of how Michelangelo worked on a sculpture. He began with a block of marble and crude instruments. He roughed out the basic shape that he saw in the stone. As he continued to sculpt the figure, he used finer and finer tools. He progressed from heavy chisels to files to sandpaper (probably finer files but for the sake of illustration let’s go with sandpaper). He would work and work an area, getting it smoother and smoother as he kept cutting away what was not needed.

We are doing the same. We are sculpting new lives for ourselves. We are cutting away all that no longer serves. We cut away and then go back in and cut some more with a finer tool. Again we see that there remains more to be let go of and we take up a more delicate instrument as we get closer to the beauty that we seek to shine forth. We are all moving into the sandpaper stage. We can rejoice and congratulate one another for our accomplishments. We can praise the beauty that we see shining forth as our divinity shines forth ever brighter. It is such a time of celebration. The only thing that we must do is let the old pieces fall away. We cannot gather them up and attach to them. Rather we must sweep them into the dust pile and ask the violet flame to come in and recycle them into light. We can love them for being a part of our life but recognize that they no longer fit our new sleek selves.

We can see ourselves as the little frightened 5 year old or the confused and angry 14 year old and the overwhelmed 32 year old, and we can love each of these parts of who we were. As we learn to show this gentleness and compassion to ourselves, it spills out to all those around us. When we encounter an angry person, we can see the frightened child and have compassion. When someone criticizes us, we can see the child who was criticized and feels unworthy of love and we can extend it.

As we open our hearts and are willing to enter in and do this inner healing, we are healing the world. We are the microcosm. As we grow in acceptance and knowing of our divinity and beauty, we create a world of divinity and beauty. It is such a glorious system that I find myself in awe of its simplicity and grace. I am so grateful to be a warrior of the heart and for all of you who are taking up the chisel and sandpaper and uncovering your beauty. We are so beautiful!

Energy waves crashing in

Posted on February 9, 2011 by lovelylinda

I am so tired I can hardly think straight! Today I was hit with a wave that knocked me flat. Sometimes it is all that I can do to get horizontal fast enough for the energy to take over. I surrender as there is nothing else that I can do. I am in awe of folks who are able to work the 8-10 hour days that are the norm in this society. I was once one of them and am deeply grateful to my higher self for this open landscape that I am in to integrate the changes that are taking place.

Strange physical symptoms are coming and going in my body as energy blockages are being cleared. First it was in my lower back, then it moved to my left hip, coming and going for a couple of days. Now it is gone completely. I felt such a profound wave of gratitude for my body elemental today. She is amazing! Kiki (yes I have a name for her and an unusual one at that) has carried me through such difficult times so now I give her anything she wants. Tonight as I walked back from the library, I stopped and bought a beet salad that I had enjoyed the other day. It was the perfect thing at the perfect time. I love when that happens. I felt that Kiki was drinking it in like an elixir as it so completely satisfied my being. Beets, feta cheese, pecans, corn and radishes…yum!

My daughter was strugggling with some physical symptoms and the worry enters in, “What if this is something serious? Should I see a doctor? What is causing this?”

Our minds enjoy playing these games. I reassure everyone I know that it is all natural. It is a sign that you are right on track. Your body is transforming with the earth. There is nothing to do about it except send love and perhaps the energy of your breath to the area of concern. Remember that we are powerful creators and we are able to shift things.

Not to say all illness is ascension symptoms but much of the new things in our bodies, are just that. I realized how I am so used to wonderful health that I do not express gratitude for it. This last little bout of aches prompted me to feel and express that gratitude to Kiki and to my Creator for my health. It also opened my heart to all those who bear chronic illnesses. I do not know how they do it. Truly it must be quite a challenge. I was able to send love to those who have agreed to bear the physical challenge in this lifetime. I am grateful it is not my burden as I do not know if I would be up to the task. I am so grateful to be suited to the task given to me. When we think of it this way, it is easy to be flooded with gratitude for where we are and for what our challenges are.

I am glad that I went on the walk tonight though I was tired. The frigid wind of the day had dropped and the crescent moon hung bright in the sky. A shiver of aliveness seemed to pass through me as I connected to her. She felt like a blessing to me. There are days here in the city where I do not connect to the land, though it is essential for me.

I passed an open calla lily, raising its creamy throat to the sky. A brown decaying gingko leaf had floated down and was caught in the throat, held there with such tenderness. I went to remove it, so as to not obscure the beauty of the open bud but something stayed my hand. I thought of the kinship present there, the lily graciously catching and tenderly cradling that decaying leaf. Somehow, I knew that our hearts are to be that open. We can tend to one another with such grace and it enhances rather than mars our beauty. I want to be less concerned with the outer appearance in my life and more concerned with the inner heart opening and shining its beauty. A friend that I have not spoken to in awhile recently wrote:

“I did connect with you while I was meditating though to get a taste of your lovely expanded heart – a beautiful experience!”

How beautiful that we can connect in this way. That our hearts can continue to expand and experience more of the beauty around us. We are all so beautiful. This dear friend has one of the most beautiful hearts that I have encountered. Worlds exist in his heart.

Off to dreamland with the image of the newly birthed calla lily and the decaying gingko leaf in my heart. I too am being newly birthed in so many ways to my true self as many aspects of me are dying away. What a beautiful cycle, dropping the old, letting it decay and mulch the new growth. Yet, tenderly cradling the old aspects as they move on out.

NOTE: The picture is off a rock that had been split apart. The man who had hauled it out of the fields to be one of the sentinels on his land, had seen the beauty of what had once been whole, having been torn open. This spoke to me as the calla lily and gingko did. It reminds me that our scars and fissures are the evidence of the energies at work to open us more fully to our own beauty and divinity. I see your beauty shining bright tonight.

Heart expansion

Posted on February 6, 2011 by lovelylinda

Today has been a day of such wonder. I have been alone all day yet so filled with Spirit that I am simply flying. I feel like a kite that has been tugged free and is now soaring into the pink clouds that the setting sun has illumined outside my window. Amazing how I can still connect to nature from this tiny apartment on the second floor with no views (other than then neighboring building’s walls) other than from the front room where there is a bank of windows. There is a ornamental pear tree outside the window that is just beginning to put forth its tiny white blossoms. So sweet, I was watching a large black bumblebee (you know the ones that are huge and almost furry looking) as he made his way from blossom to blossom.

Where was I? Oh yes, the heart expansion. I subscribe to a site that sends out daily messages. It is from the Circle of Light which consists of three people who live together and give of their hearts to put out the twin flame message..(time for those reunions is now) as well as words from the Creator on connecting to Her/His heart. I love the purity of their vibration. Their book on sacred sexuality speaks deeply to me. It resonates with the ideals that I know intuitively are how I want to experience physical union and lovemaking. I should mention that of the three, two are twin flames who are married and the third has total contact with her twin in spirit and he works with her daily.

Yael, who has meditated and received messages from God daily for 40 years, was directed by Jesus to offer this heart activation to anyone who desired an opening of their heart. I sent my picture and request in yesterday. Yael does not tell you when it takes place as she is not in charge, Jesus is. I know that my activation has already occurred as I am feeling such bliss. I feel connected to everything and everyone in a new way. It is so expansive. It is like moving from a duplex to a mansion by the sea! There is so much more room in my heart for this beautiful world. Please take advantage of this if you feel motivated. As our hearts expand, we can hold more light and help bring in this golden age of peace that we came here for. http://www.circleoflight.net/

Another interesting thing happened. Of course, when I find something wonderful, I want to share it with everyone that I love. I forwarded the email to my friends and then thought of my beloved Joseph, who lives in the woods off the grid without access to internet and only occasionally a phone. This is his choice as it has been his choice to not contact me for the past three months or so. I asked Yael if she could do the activation on someone who would not ask of his own accord. Could she check in with his higher self? She said that she could but needed a picture. Most of my photos are still on my son’s external hard drive as my hard drive crashed a week ago. I was given a new one by Apple (total unexpected gift as my mac is 4 years old!). So I emailed a friend who had taken pictures of Joe and I our last weekend together on 10-10-10 in South Dakota. She graciously dug them up and sent them but was concerned that I was still “so embroiled in him” and wondered about my heart hurting. I loved her for her concern for my well being but I did not feel any pain around this. I wanted to gift him with anything I could no matter what comes or does not. Whether I ever see or speak to him again…it matters not. What matters is the impulse of my heart to reach out in love. I love that about myself! For a long time, I berated myself for my heart that continued to love where it was not returned. But I am clearer in myself and understand that we are made to love. Our hearts truly cannot be turned off due to someone else’s actions. Whether he is kind or unkind…..it is irrelevant to my desire to love him. I love loving him. Does that make sense?

I was speaking with a friend about this. She had experienced an intense meeting with someone that still came into her awareness years later. She is married so nothing came of the encounter yet it affected her deeply. Her strategy and mine for a long time, was to try to shove the experience into a box, slam the lid and put it on a shelf in the back of the closet. Yet the feelings would come unannounced into her thoughts.

In this new landscape that we find ourselves in, we can be oh so much gentler with ourselves. My friend has found that she can allow the feelings to come and not immediately try to squelch them but rather smile and enjoy them as they pass on through. I have experienced that with my feelings for Joseph. I was meditating the other day and he popped in as he is wont to do. I had been reading a channeling from Merlin about his magic wand. Now I am a woman who never had a magic wand to play with as a little girl so I LOVE magic wands! I was twirling it about in my imagination (yes, I get up to all kinds of silliness in my meditations/daydreams) and making figure eights with it. Joe showed up and I showered him with some of the magic sparkles as I was twirling it about. He began to laugh and so did I. We were having so much fun! That was a reality that I live in. I meet him there if he shows up and wants to play. I do not hold any intention that he show up in this 3D world, I accept what is.

But I do not close myself off from the fun to be had when it is offered. The pain has gone and there is only the love. It is so delightful to me that I can feel this way.

I was telling my friend about this as we were talking on the phone. She was walking in a nature center and when I said about Joe, “Oh, I am so happy as he is so free” (he had gone through a very dark night of the soul after he asked me to leave), she heard a hawk cry out. Hawks are dear to me and have been a messenger between Joseph and I. It was very powerful and I felt that his spirit was responding to mine.

Some of the magic that is finally here. I was certain that last year was the year of the magic but it did not materialize. Now it is here and I am feeling it more every day. Sprinkles of fairy dust to you all!

Another poem: Prayer Flag

Posted on February 5, 2011 by lovelylinda

Prayer Flag

Drop down

breathe deep

A long sigh

Ahhhhh…..

Let the pain unfurl

like a prayer flag

offered to the wind

Swirl it about

Send it over mountain tops

Let it whip the ocean white

Rain clouds drench it

Sunlight bleach it

Unravel the threads

until tattered cloth

so soft

gathered in my hand

Lift it to the mirror

Polish it so bright

Whose shining countenance

do I see

reflected back at me?

Pain transformed

into beauty deep

This I keep

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