Everything feels off these days. I intended to book a place to stay in an area on the Maine coast that I had heard of. Instead I booked a place where I had once intended to spend the summer with one of my sisters. She lived here for a couple of years. So, here I am. Is there some reason that I had to circle back here? How did I book this place?

I feel muddled. Everything shifts….intend this……that happens. Buy something to eat…..it does not taste right. Put on clothes….they feel uncomfortable. My belly is bloated……sleep is full of strange dreams and does not provide rest. I start something and then I am doing something else. I find myself stopping in the middle of things and asking myself,

Why am I doing this? What is going on?

It is as if I am shifting between timelines, between different aspects of myself.

The sound of waves crashing and gulls calling is comforting. I love long walks on the beach but find I am running out of energy quickly. Grey, rainy weather for the few days that I am here. Sky and surf blur in a soft liquid grey. Umbrellas and flowers offer pops of color.

It feels like I am seeing through a filter, my lens is salt encrusted and everything is muted. My senses seem dulled. I observe myself with a kind of wonder. Who am I in this moment?

I feel done with this earth experience. I cannot find anything to pull me forward with anticipation. I am present and find moments of joy in my grandkids, in the beauty around me, in the juice of a ripe peach dripping down my chin. And yet….it does not satisfy. I feel myself detached, floating in emptiness.

This open vista of sky, surf, sand calls part of me forth. I feel I could walk out into the barely perceptible horizon line and disappear. The old is fading, the new as yet uncreated. This space that offers only breathing room. I take a breath and then another. I am here.

Ok, photos will not load…..another glitch in my world.

From the time that I was a little girl, I saw my life spiral out in front of me like chapters in a book.  Lately, I feel a new chapter opening. Maidenhood and motherhood behind the crone calling me forth. I am the grandmother to three angels, a role that I cherish and accept responsibility for. It is a source of joy to me. Yet there is more.

These past few weeks, I have felt aspects of my relationships with my adult children and former husband come to the fore. The old patterns felt confining and exhausting. I spoke my fatigue to each one as I recognized that it was time for me to shift my overgiving energy.  My children responded well, for the most part, understanding and cheering me on as I claim more of me, for me. Former husband, not so much but that informed me as to the firmer boundary that I needed to reinforce and maintain.

It is difficult to embrace and enjoy aspects of another and at the same time maintain a firm boundary around aspects that are draining to me. There is that muddy area to traverse, as to how much room to allow the relationship in my life. Our frequencies are moving further apart and my job is to allow it to naturally fall where it will without my propping it up. I know that role of cheerleader well. It is time to put down the pompoms and let myself and each one find their own way. Always the love but from a wider viewpoint.

Nature shows us the divine design.

The crone is calling me from the personal into the wider more impersonal sphere. I recall a feminine deity coming to me, showing me her sword. She said, “Love is truth and truth can be fierce!” She guided me to a more compassionate place, showing me how sympathy was a lesser vibration as it was not seeing the soul as whole and capable. Compassion was a frequency of love that could feel with another without taking it on, without seeing the other as needing fixing or help. It was being present with another from a neutral space yet one full of love.

At first, I was surprised at how I felt. A shaming energy emerged that said that I no longer cared for others. This had been part of what I experienced in the past when I set boundaries with ones who wanted me to rescue them time and time again. This feminine deity showed me that the shame was to keep me in that space, to take me from the truth of love.

How did the universe create this heart on a piece of soap? Magic

This new stage is very present now as I feel a restlessness that heralds change ahead. I want to move, to create, to connect. Yet, my body feels exhausted. The thought of packing a bag, getting on a plane, searching for camping or hotel accommodations weighs me down before I even begin. A sea of aloneness surrounds me. All signs pointing to an ending and a new beginning. I sense that I am to move out of my hermit/ family stage and into the wider world. I can feel the swirls of energy and colors vibrating out ahead. It is a this AND that kind of time. Hot and cold, wired and tired, simultaneously.

The old ways of moving will not work which is likely why my body resists dealing with the restlessness in the old way. The new is not online yet. I can feel the void, the emptiness of the space. No familiar landmarks to guide one, no ancestors to lead me on, no inner promptings. There is only silence.

I have dreamt of this. A blank canvas to weave light upon, to create in ways I do not yet know. Wanting a life beyond what I can imagine. My imagination is limited by what I have lived and read and observed. I am eager for this unknown though my legs feel as wobbly as a toddler’s  first steps.

Playing with my two year old granddaughter yesterday, she gave me a clue. She said that she was the wife and needed to take a walk alone. She had her flashlight to illuminate her path and she hummed as she walked. I was the husband and my job was to stay put as she explored. She could travel out humming the new into life but be assured of my presence as she returned. For now, I take her advice and stay in the present as the new lovelights explore out ahead.

A little angel came to us a few days ago. My third grandchild, a boy, who made his way gracefully into this world. He has a deep, calm presence. Holding him in my arms is one of my favorite experiences of this lifetime. The weight is a solid bundle, legs and arms scrunched up in that pre-birth position from time in the womb. Now here on the earth plane, there is so much to navigate. How to open and close his eyes, how to nurse and how to eliminate. He is making it look easy as he lands more fully in each day. His smell is intoxicating . I read a recent study that found that the baby’s smell triggers pleasure hormones in the mother, further encouraging  her bond with her baby. We did not need science to tell us this, mothers know this as they nuzzle their baby’s neck and hold them close.

It has brought back that time in my life when I was raising my three little ones. My there were some challenges yet I knew myself blessed every day that I got to be with my babies.

Love picking wildflowers to fill my space.

Day six of this back compression and things are changing. This morning I put on socks by myself! Woohoo. I went downstairs yesterday for the first time, walked barefoot on the grass, played with my granddaughter. It felt wonderful. In past back incidents, I forced myself into a car for the half an hour ride to the chiropractor or a shorter ride to the acupuncturist. This time, I decided to take a gentle route. I rested and moved only as I was able. Today I was able to get up from bed without struggle, and trust that I will gradually regain full range of movement. I sense that if I tune in, my body will show me a better way to move and carry myself. There has been this feeling of excitement under the pain, letting me know that strength and flexibility will be mine.

Cows in a field of buttercups, imagine the milk!

Today is the Solstice and I awoke to find the village shrouded in mist. It feels magical, as if we are suspended between two worlds. I know that part of my back issues had to do with this influx of solar energy that has been streaming in the past few days. Both my eldest son and I have been forced to lie low, move slowly, rest more. We both bring through energy to ground in much the same way. Another thing that will be changing as the old pain and harshness gives way to ease and softness. Hallelujah!

Honoring myself, still moving slowly and will rest most of the day. I do intend to get a swim in to celebrate this day, if my back allows. I have had to let go of order and cleanliness in my place, surrendering to the moments and cherishing what I can do. All perspective.

My bouquet from a few days ago.

My two year old granddaughter shifted something for me. I have red fingernail size spot on the side of my nose from a skin graft after a surgery for sun damage issues. It has never lightened up as predicted. When I wash my face in the mornings, it is a minor irritation to me. I have not worn make up in this life though I have some cream to dot on it. It does not do much so it is something that I live with like so much else. My granddaughter comes up the stairs the other day, walks right up to me and presses her finger on that red spot. She says, “Nana, I love your red spot.” It was as if she had been thinking about it downstairs and decided to come tell me. So sweet. It has changed my own morning experiences of washing my face as I say to myself, I love my red spot, my crooked tooth, my varicose veins, my belly pouch……loving it all.

The little ones know truth. It is all about love. May love flow into all of our hearts this day and transform us.